Tuesday, May 28, 2013

confessions of a drama queen

I'm 22. I look back at all the decisions and choices that I've made within in the past four years and I'm utterly horrified in which direction I have chosen for my life based on the unawareness. I feel as though the past is set in stone, and I just can't go over the fact of how many bad bad bad bad bad decisions I've made. I see how I've altered my road to success, for what? Because I thought it was more important to trip acid and mushrooms to discover where time and space came from? Because I thought it was more important to find a soulmate and get pregnant and have a child? Because I thought it was more important to heal my mother's karma? I just don't understand what I'm doing this for, or if any of the decisions I've made were really guided by my Higher Self at all. My ego became a very powerful toll, and she was just making decisions based on what she thought would be best; an idea that she thought was cool, or awesome, or that would fulfill her. My ego thought that being a mom would fulfill her,  and now I'm pregnant. My ego thought that a beautiful man who was older than her would fulfill her.  All these thoughts were filled with hope, and I REALLY fucking thought that all these scenarios with the cool people being my friends, the hot older male boyfriend, the baby growing inside my belly.... I thought that these other human beings were going to fulfill me. Is that why I did this? To feel fulfilled? Doesn't that make me the most selfish person on earth, wanting other people to fulfill my needs? I can't even make the connection to the fact that my father left when I was a kid so I now have abandonment issues, anymore. I'm so over my psychotic issues; in fact I'm over the mental illness world. I was diagnosed as bi-polar because I cry and yell and scream and express VERY outwardly the anger and sadness I feel and have felt since I was a kid, yet another past thought form that I don't want to play out. I have all these emotions within me, and I want to harvest them in a creative way, in a productive way, because they're sure as hell not going anywhere anytime soon... because let's face it, karma is real. I find myself doubting the One sometimes, is that normal? It's not because the things that I want to have happen aren't happening, it's because eventually people say "you're in control of your life,  you're thoughts are creating your world, you are the creator of your world, you are God".... well fuck dude, if my mind is God, then am I imagining that there is a formless being creating anything? If I am the creator of my world I am the one making the decisions, doesn't that mean I have to take full responsibility for my life, and what does taking responsibility constitute? Guilt over past bad decisions? Taking care of your basic needs? I get it, i get that in order to live that I need food and water and shelter and comfort.... but isn't that ego once again? Our minds are the ones that need to be producing... are there really two minds? We only have one brain. The overwhelming feeling of having to make a decision is casting over me, and I am torn between love and logic.... because love is definitely not logical. I have to have a plan, that's what my Dad said to me. I have a career plan, but what other plans do I need? I have the fantasy all mapped out in my head of the family I'm going to have with my significant other, raising our child together... love would let that happen right? Then all the questions about my relationship with my significant other pop up, "is it actually love" "will it last forever" "am I making the right decision to be his life partner" I think about what I said before I left for Florida to my friends... "When it's love, you know..." and I felt like I knew that I loved him.  So many people have told me how to live my life,  and people tell me that every choice that I have made has been wrong... but who the hell are you to tell ME how to live MY life? I understand that you care, I understand that you are aware of the things that I SHOULD have done, and I understand that you want to see me do great things... but let me stop here. I'm already great. I'm already doing great things. The battle that I'm fighting is not outside of me because if I know anything, I know that the true battle to be won is within. I seek outwardly to be told how to live my life, because I see how many ways there are to be doing it, and I want to make sure that I'm doing it the right way... but the only person who can tell me who is doing it the right way is me. Who is the one who is disappointed in my past decisions? Who is the one who is telling me to regret the past? Who is the one telling me that I have made mistakes and I should feel guilty for them? Who's voice is that? It's not even a voice, in fact those feelings have no voice at all.  The thought doesn't exist, only the image of a storm cloud getting ready to pour down on me and I'm umbrellaless. FUCK FEELING GUILTY, REGRETTING THAT I FORGOT, I'M GOING TO DANCE IN THE MOTHAFUCKING RAIN. I'm going to dance, and whoever is around me is going to love me, I'm going to spend my time living for ME. I'm going to spend my time living for WHAT I WANT.  They say after the rain is gone, you can see clearly. So what I might be a little wet, I can still go to work and get the things done that I want to get done. We all want to change the world, we all want to be the one person to create that awesome thing (like facebook) and been remembered forever. What makes that so important? It's not what other people make important, it's what we make important. What has been important to me has transformed with every choice and decision that I've made, and now what's important to me is having a loving family,  being a massage therapist and reiki master, writing a few novels, being a spiritual speaker, working a job and saving money this summer, cleaning up all my legal issues, and travelling the world. And that's it. This is it. The only world I can "save" is my own.... every man for themselves, right? Until Next Time, -Olivia

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