Ramblings

I think part of the reason I have such a hard time with school is the lack of personal connection I feel with my peers.

We are all on this journey together, but I don't really have anyone to talk about what my experience is, because they are just not at the capacity of understanding. Oh, the joys of being an Aquarius.

That's why I have my girls (tantra goddesses you know who you are adding a few who aren't in the group but should be), and occasionally my boys, although most have moved away. I am one of those people that needs friends to feel complete... so when the threat of losing a friend comes up, I do everything in my power to make sure that does NOT happen.

There is this guy at school who is on my level. He is taking up something different than I am, but he came in for a massage one day, and I gave him some reiki, and at the end he said "that was awesome, were you meditating or something" and after that we were friends. It's nice to have the closeness with someone in a world that makes you want to feel so separated.... it's all one though, and I am getting to a point where I just love because there is love.

I should probably start blogging more often now that Iris is getting bigger, and I'll be taking online classes, and I will have WAAAAAAAAAY more time to do the things that I have put on hold to finish up massage therapy school. Writing is good for me, and it's a way to get the voice in my head out... the voice that wants to be heard to badly.

Love. God there is so much love in my life right now. I have everything to be thankful for.

I have been learning more about the manifestation process; it's so sacred, and so profound, that words like "gratitude" and "law of attraction" are only parts of the pie.... IT'S A DIVINE BEING SHINING ITS LIGHT THROUGH US TO HEAL OUR SOULS AND SAVE OUR PLANET. It's amazing beyond belief. And this is the focus that I must maintain. I must just keep radiating the positivity, and being grateful for every single thing I have.

From observing the consciousness of my mind, I find that the negative energy is like a parasite that attached itself to my energy field (I remember at one point on my journey being told that you don't know what people's aura's are holding, so always protect yourself and be careful); it was never apart of me, in fact it was an entity of it's own. A life sucking piece of dark matter that wanted to take me down with it, but that's not happening. That negative parasite in my energy field comes from a long history of family karma, of my soul actually GOING to hell.... it's been a rough road for the human consciousnesses, myself included. Unity Consciousness is starting to really take hold nowadays. It's nice. The entity is gone, but there is still work to be done. A good friend of mine, Stasia Bliss, says the work is not done until ALL OF THE HUMAN race knows. We all have to know.... learning to spread the word effectively is a difficult one, thank god I'm not the only one who is doing ti though.

Love Love Love. All you need is love. Ramblings and such.

Going to write a more focused blog about parenting in the near future.

<3 <3 <3
Until Next Time,

-Olivia

Feels

Feeling.
What is it that i feel
when my voice begins to speak inside my mind.
that little part of me that controls the time.
intuition perks.
when new things come into my fruition.
Never losing track of the moment
Ego pops in... she knows how to do the job
but sometimes she let's herself get carried away by all of the outside world
what would you expect her to do? Not play?
Soul Olivia the healer inside
The majestic flying pegasus
She wants nothing but the love she feels to be everyone's reality
Love is her reality
It was the reality of all realities
Until she realized that she was through
She was done be told what to do in this and in that
She merely wanted to be free....
and that was a fact.
The desire to love combined with hope overpowers fear on any occasion.
Any at all.
The task for you to do is FEEL and BELIEVE
Writing my own script, staying in the moment
Do what is this and what is that
Pretty soon I'll be doing a lot of thinking
Leaving this school of feeling.
Oh the wonders that it has done for me
I am can really see what it is that I now need to be.
I am a feeling creature AND  thinking creature too
I know that the two combined will make me upright and honest and thorough and true

I'm still human

I did it again, but this time it didn't hurt so much.
I opened my heart to another one of those amazing men, and of course it got shut down pretty quickly. Do I do this to myself? Is this my karma? Maybe a man isn't what I need? I feel like the universe is fucking with me.... but then again I am the creator of my world My heart doesn't hurt, but I am realizing that my root chakra needs some serious healing love and light... and that I have been doing. Loving myself. Loving the fucking shit out of myself. Every step of the way.... love love love love love.

My mind is the selfish one. I think about what I want out of this life the majority of the time, and my desires just overwhelm my thought consumption. My mind has a fucking mind of it's own.... it's so weird. I am constantly fantasizing and dreaming about the day I meet my future husband, that when I meet any guy I instantly want to make him that person.

God how I wish I could go home and just lay down and go to sleep, but there is so much to do... all the time. Adjusting to mom life, work life, my new life. It's all an adjustment... which is why I am taking psychology of adjustment next semester... learn a thing or two.

So here's the new deal I am making with myself. From now on I am going to be selfless when I am doing my work as a therapist, when I am with my daughter.... and then when I am by myself I am going to nourish myself with thoughts that make me feel yummy and orgasmic. I want that more than anything. I want to love and be loved. So I'll do both for myself right now. My life is so amazing, and I am so happy with the financial success I will be achieving within a few months, which is definitely going to make my life a lot easier... I'm not one to leave a trace, ya know? That guy will come. I know he will. I just have to stop wanting it so badly that I don't let myself have it.

I'm still a human. I am a spiritual being having a human experience, and I am still a human.

<3 <3 <3

this too shall pass; one day when I'm with my husband I'll look back and laugh at myself so hard for wanting to be with him so bad when the time just wasn't right.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

My struggle is this.

I WILL NOT be a parent who spanks, I WILL NOT be a parent who yells at my child, I WILL NOT treat iris with disrespect or with anything less; and I will NOT allow anyone to watch her who thinks that that is okay... It's too damn important, she is too damn important. So I am calling it in, that person who is going to be able to treat iris with respect, compassion, gentleness, kindness, and love when she is older... it's okay now with my mom because Iris can't talk yet... but as she is approaching the later ages of childhood my mom just doesn't seem to fit into the idea I have for what I want iris to experience, what my child needs to experience. I am calling in all the help I can get on this issue. I believe that I will find a person who loves iris as much as I do and treats her with compassion, gentleness, kindness, and love. I cannot express how important this is to me angels, I am in need. I need to know that that person is going to be there with me in Washington to watch iris while I go to school. Someone who is safe for Iris to be around. This is what I need, and this is what I deserve. And So It Is.

-Olivia

moments after moments

It's these moments of stability that I crave.
And the great part about it is, if I continue to work at it I can be stable for the rest of my life.
I have a stable income.
I have a stable home.
I have stable relationships.
My foundation is healed, my root chakra is a beaming color of ruby red, and these color visualizations are what keep me stable and balanced and in the NOW.
The hard part isn't keeping it there, it's getting it there... putting all THOSE puzzle pieces together, and finally seeing the big picture.
Fighting the urge to do whatever learned behavior it was before that hurt me so badly in the first place... it was never the other person, it was always me.
It was always my subconscious negative self talk that got in the way of me thriving and getting the gold.
I don't ask why much, but damn... why did I have to do that to myself?
To re-learn who I was?
The illusion does not have an answer to why... the illusion is not real.
Real or not real.
That's always the question.
Is this re-al-it-y that I am experiencing emotionally real?
Most times, no.
Most times, never.
The illusion pops up and I don't really believe it anymore.
What's the point?
Do I need to go down the path of disillusionment?
Nope.
Never do I NEED to do that.
Bonnaroo is just one big illusion... but there is the truth that spreads it self there.
Illusions. fantasies.
Keeping me from reality.
Because my reality is too much?
Nope. Not at this point in my life.
In fact my reality is just right.
Pursuing my dreams of being a world-renowned healer.
Finishing up massage school.
Sacred sacred sacred.
It's ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL sacred!
So that path of illusion....
it was sacred too?
yes, yes it was.
And I learned something from it....
I learned about fear, I learned about greed, and I learned about anger.
Through transformation I gained love, through transmutation I gained compassion, through observation I gained knowledge, and through that knowledge I realized that competition does NOT exist, that jealousy is a farce... and that giving away my fucking power is not fucking worth it.
The illusion wants something it can't have... I can give it my power, but it can't do anything with it.
I can feed it as if it were real, but it will never be real.
It's sad how badly it craves something that it can't have....
Well, it craves something that it can't have in the way they it wants it
It gets what it needs
I need stability
I need stability
I need stability
<3 and it's okay
Illusions, fantasies, games.
Letting it go.
Seeing the light.
Living my bliss.
Being my true authentic self.
It's worth it, you all should try it.

The details.

Oh the details of life.

I used to say "all of the details take care of themselves", but in that I am not finding very much truth. Root chakra is the details- making sure we have everything we need in order to do the task at hand.... run a household, run a business, run a marathon, shit run life. I have a serious problem with pay attention to the details, and in that I find that's where most of my drama comes from.... me not paying attention to the details of the scene; forgetting to put the dishes up, forgetting to initial an appointment time in the book.... it's the little things that add up to the explosive dramatic reactions from others... they get so mad at me. My mom screams, my classmates get frustrated.... I am hindering them with my lack of attentiveness. Attention deficit disorder... I say that certain things don't bother me, and maybe they don't, but I have a feeling that they're going to bother me.... lack of attention to detail is a gateway for chaos to enter. Chaos in this world creates all these angry, frustrated, upset feelings.... order is what maintains the love. I must be the order in chaos. I need to make lists, so I can make sure that I have everything I need. I always miss something though.... I want to make it my goal not to miss a thing. I want to make it my goal to do it right the first time-I did not have a very good teacher when it came to that stuff.... but at this point I know what to do, now it just takes practice. I might need a list for everything, which I am okay with.

I am about to move into my own apartment, and I think being a good mom ensures paying attention to the details, and I really can't afford to buy Iris something new every time I forget it. Getting deeper into my root chakra, and clearing out all that is no longer needed. My spiritual journey is now on a basic level, and it's quite nice.As co-creator it is my job to make sure that I have everything I need in order to have a good time... I accept my job.

-Olivia

no name and unfinished just how i like it

It's been quite a while since I have had the time to write. I am happy I woke up early to study, and of course the urge came, and I just had to come here.

When I say SO much has been going on, it's true, my life consists of my dreams, Iris' dreams, and the demands made for me to perform. I struggle with the urge every single day to just leave this whole societal dream behind, and go live in the woods.... my rebel wants to watch this city burn to ashes, unfortunately my rebellion nature is not my journey this lifetime, and that's where my true challenge comes from... not nessecarily finding the motivation to get things done, but finding the meaning as to why I am here. I have been doing a really good job of containing my rebellion nature, but she is a fighter. She wants more than anything to be free to do whatever she pleases, to go whereever she wants to go, but that's just not happening right now. She has to deal with the day to day hustle, the back to back early mornings, and the truth is this struggle is helping her grow... I was made to concern myself with the whole, and despite my rebellious nature, I have this huge heart that loves every single person in humanity, and I want to reach them so badly.... it's such a paradox, I want to reach the people to set them free of this system.... I can't rebel yet, I have to emerge myself into this place, make a name for myself, do the paper work, jump through the stupid fucking hoops.... GOD DAMN it makes me so fucking angry that I have to jump through all these hoops to prove myself worthy of a certain title. I am so sick of this approval-based society.... I didn't come here to be approved of, and I am having to go against everything I believe in to get to where I want to be, so I can share my belief systems with the world, so I can reach all of the people.