Universal truths flowing through my fingers

Recently the focus has been so much on the divine feminine and I am now understanding that the reason is this; spirit IS the divine feminine while ego is the divine masculine. Our focus changed centuries ago to developing the divine masculine (ego) for reasons none of us really know, and in that process we neglected out divine feminine. She has waited patiently for us to return to her as she knew that we would eventually realize that there is not wholeness in this world without the balance of masculine and feminine energy. The oneness that we all speak of these days is THAT. It is the sacred union of the divine masculine and feminine energy which creates us. Emotions are out of balance when the feminine energy is neglected, looked down upon, or completely ignored. While I am writing this it feels like I am teaching myself something that I have known for a long time, something that I learned far and long ago which is probably why this lifetime it comes so easy to me; I have studied universal law since I was born, and this explains why I experience so much frustration at times. I am a bodhisattva of the earth, and I have come to show compassion for the human race, and my struggle is to actually show the compassion instead of the anger. My lesson is to be humble, understand that not everybody is going to learn as quickly or even at all, that some have come down to experience other things. I have said this all before, and I will say it again and again until each and every one of my brothers and sisters is awakened to the true potential of oneself and the universe. It is vital that we give birth, rebirth to our feminine selves once more. If I can find a way to explain this process to a nonbeliever I would be considered a modern day Jesus, and there are times when I think that that may be my calling. All I know is that my connection to source is abundant and strong, and I can only get closer to the love. I ask myself "when will it finally be my turn to teach what I know" and I know that time will be soon. The more I receive from my feminine source, the more my masculine source will learn, and the better the oneness will be. My mantra: my soul and ego are one. My truth: love. Sure, I can feel the sense of worry, but that is merely somewhere inside of me that is choosing to be disconnected. I want to rekindle my connection where it is lacking. The more connected I am, the more people I can help. The more people I can help open up to better understanding of themselves and why they are here the better I will be. The more sense I can make to other people the more people I can touch. The more people I can touch more love will be spread. We must honor life, we must honor sacred tradition, without it we would not be here. The feminine came first, we cannot deny our roots. We can not deny our creator any longer. We must accept that magic within us, we must accept our ability to change. We must no longer fear love; release old patterns of doubt, release old patterns of fear. The time is now to let go of old belief systems, they no longer work in this day and age!!! Be who our mother made us to be!!! GOD IS A FEMININE AND MASCULINE ENERGY ALL IN ONE. Spirit and ego are GOD. Which means when we are whole we become god/ess.  Life is full of lies, but once you know the truth, there is no looking back. Don't let your fear tell you any differently (because it will try to, like it always does) just know that fear is an OLD belief system. Don't be afraid because you don't know, be curious and corageous enough to find the answers you need to grow! Follow your bliss, forgive others, live the sacred path, embrace your inner god/ess! The time is now! The time is NOW. 

my life uncensored

THINGS TO BITCH ABOUT. 

Today started off a little bit on the wrong foot. I woke up late (I had been doing that for the past two days because I have just moved and I am getting adjusted and I feel tired) and had to pull over to the side of the road to feed Iris because she was just not having it. In doing this it made me realize that I had forgotten the breast milk at home. So back up the mountain I went, already running late for school. I just kept doing positive affirmations in my head, and I didn't let this set back get to me... I've been doing that a lot lately and it has truly done wonders for my life. I get to school an hour and fifteen minutes late, and when I arrive I find out that my teachers Dad is dying... I instantly hug her. The day went rather well until around lunch when I was called in to give a massage which wasn't on my clinic day, and I was totally fine with it. I came out of the massage and it was time to go, I told the massage manager of the day that my client needed to lay for about five minutes and that I had to go because it was time for me to take Iris to the doctor. Five minutes down the road I get a phone call saying that I had a massage to give that day from the lady who I just saw in the office, and I had told her that I wasn't going to be the one giving her one today... I don't really want to go into details about what happened, but basically I ended up getting sucked into the black hole of "we have to handle a problem you created because you forgot some things and we are now going to be super mad at you" and ended up crying. They had no fucking compassion. Not one bit. Which made me realize that this world is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too filled with hate for me. Seriously, the problem wasn't even that big of a deal, in fact it was solved so quickly and without me being there, but they all still felt like "i made the program look bad" and that I wasn't taking care of my shit, and it really wasn't even that big of a deal. Nobody died, she got a massage, she was happy, and everything went about smoothly. Why in the WORLD do we have to treat each other with so much incompassion? Yet another lesson learned in the importance of compassion. Of course, I forgave them for they know not of what they do, and I have compassion for them because they were suffering in that moment....

THINGS TO BE SUPER EXCITED ABOUT 

My living situation has finally been solved! I am living in the woods on a ton of land in an awesome house with my friends Mike, Satori, and Avian. We are building a community center here, and it is going to be soooo fantastic!!!!! I am mostly excited because I don't have to worry about going anywhere for a really long time and I can just chill and manifest goodness.

My new job is pretty cool. I make 7.25$ PLUS tips and the atmposphere is quite alright. Not too bad, i can see myself staying there for a while.

I am definitely growing as a massage therapist. The massage I got last night was a real eye opener about how I can improve SOOOOO much. I really need to get on learning the attachments and such because I realize the importance of knowing all this stuff, to really help someone's body.

Bonnaroo line up comes out today, and I am 100% sure that my all time favorite band Modest Mouse will be there.

IN CONCLUSION 

My life is fantastic and I have so much joy and wonderful times, and I would say minus the 5% of the day that I didn't recieve any compassion, 95% of my day was filled with so much love, compassion, and joy. So what some people just don't get it, that's why us boddhitsatvas are here, ya know... to teach the stubborn human race how to treat one another. I am gonna keep doing me, keep showing my love, and shining my light because I am fucking awesome regardless of the minor mistakes that I make... the perks of being a new momma.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

Speaking my truths

Well folks, the journey has been... Well the journey. 

I am not too sure where I last left you off, but let me tell you where I am now. I have been exploring myself, changing my belief systems, and expanding my consconciousness consciously for two years now, and it's funny how I totally forget that in order to release you have to follow a very much step by step process... I still try to skip steps, probably because i can see where the wave is taking me and I want to get there, but I must follow the process. Changing human DNA through positive thinking, rerouting our karmic spirals and letting the love in is a magic, a science, a solution to our problems. Doing the work means following your cycles, paying attention to your feelings, assessing yourself and why you feel that way. Becoming my own therapist has been the greatest healing modality for me, especially when nobody is available at that moment.... Literally just walking up to that emotion and saying "hey dude, why do you feel this way? What is it that you're not getting?" And usually the answer has something to do with not feeling loved, and being afraid to accept love because it was the people who loved me that hurt me... When I can stay objective to how i feel that's when I can get the work done. I have all these feelings towards old friends, old lovers, anybody who came in my life before I had iris, basically I have some attachment to some pain that I felt, and as much as I wish the pain would just go away, it doesn't. It stays until I fully let it express itself, until I let it grieve what it thought it had lost, or hadn't received, until I show compassion for myself, until I just let it all out, that is when I feel peace. It's like I am walking through all the dark parts of myself, while shining the light on it, and the light makes the darkness feel seen, which allows an open communication between self and ego. Ego has to express why it feels it can't do its job, and spirit shows ego that what was believed before is no longer true and can be let go of. When that happens I either feel an intense release or I cry it the fuck out. And when I cry I sob as loud as possible and when I do that I feel the love of god/ess fill me up and bring me closer to it. This shadow work that I do is probably the most important thing I am doing; by changing my belief system, balancing my chakras, and letting my authentic self shine, I am changing everything around me. It's not about "who did this to us" as a human family we ALL have to take responsibility for the whole of negativity we fell into, we chose this, all great religions say that. Eve chose to ate the apple by choice.... God did not force her. We wanted this experience, and now we can go back.... We can be gods children through our actions not just through our words. Raise vibrations, experience love, it's needed. 

Until Next Time, 

Olivia 

The Mask

I have been paying attention to my emotional cycles lately, and here is where I am at right now.

Root chakra:

I went and laid Iris on mother earth and we sat outside as the dogs ran around. I got a physic vision of Micheal being on his way to Chattanooga, and I immediately realized that whatever I send to the universe will determine the outcome of whether or not I see him. I was very clear in what I wanted, (which made me realize that the reason I have had such bad luck with men was because I was never really too sure as to what I wanted in a partner, so the universe was all like "is this what you want?"); I started with what I didn't want, and I said "I don't want to be in a relationship with Micheal"... "I want to be unavailable when he comes to Chattanooga". Seeing him would bring so much trouble into my life and I am seriously no longer creating that for my life. That's the reason why I don't hang out with the people who I used to be friends with. I keep thinking about Kalika, I can really feel this energy that her and I shared... when things got tough inside I would want to fight with her, which makes me realize that it was my choice to argue with her, she never forced me to argue with her... I chose that shit. I learned how to argue from my parents, and I had to play out that drama with someone, right? So I attracted people I could fight with, and hurt their feelings, get my feelings hurt, and never get to solution because that's how I grew up. Thank Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Mary Magdalene, Mother Mary, Mother Teresa, Ganesha, Kali, and all the Gods and Goddesses that that mask no longer has to exist.

I am tapping into my most sensitive, deepest, darkest emotions and I am feeling them, but I am not letting them control me. I have my sword with me, and I am conquering my lies with my truth. When you unveil yourself, you realize what was behind the mask was the unconditional love you were looking for all along, you just covered it up... maybe we thought unconditional love was something we could lose. Maybe because when we were children there was no explanation, or way for us to comprehend the amount of hate that surrounded our lives, so we created these masks to protect ourselves. Maybe the fear that we felt created the mask so it wouldn't happen again... after all, tiny humans are the most fragile emotionally. A lot of craziness surrounded me when I was a child; yelling, hitting, drug dealers chasing my dad trying to kill him, my mom never been available for me... when I look back and realize all of the events that happened in my childhood it is seriously a miracle that I did not end up worse off. Damn, our psyches, our bodies, remember every single feeling we have ever felt...  I felt legitimate fear one too many times when I was a child, but I have no memory of it in my mind, it's all in my body. Is it our mind that does it to the body? The masculine tries to control the feminine, tries to tell it what to feel, when to feel, how to feel, what it needs.... it's like "woah, back up a second buddy, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I need". When a baby is born that is its first experience of fear... right? Is fear just a concept in our minds? Is fear a belief system that can be reversed? I guess that's what I have been doing by healing myself, reversing the pain, telling myself that what I feel is no longer needed....

This is deep, deep healing work being done here in my body, in my mind, in my spirit. I can only hope that my friends are feeling this. Things that used to matter so much now make no sense as to why they were important, demons that used to control my thoughts no longer exist. I got deep DEEP into myself and I come out brand new each time and I really want more people to come with me. It's what is truly needed, and the time is now. The age of Aquarius is here, Peace is the outcome. I know, slowly but surely everyone will get there.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

cycles

My most recent ego obsessive behavior has been reminiscing on the past months when I was pregnant. The cycles I created based off the old paradigm I used to believe are back to haunt me. I have shown growth, because I am aware of these cycles and they are not the ones that are in control, I am standing my ground and staying heart center (probably because of all the yoga I have been doing lately), those cycles are merely background noise to the peace I feel.

There is something deep inside of me I feel really guilty about, and it has to do with Iris. I realized how irrational, unrealistic, and unreasonable it was for me to think that if I went to Florida I could convince the man the I "loved" (and I'm beginning to realize that I loved the idea of him, not who he actually was) to come to Chattanooga and live there with me was untruthful, beyond my reach, and impulsive. I am still trying to ask myself why I did it, and I feel guilty because I knew so much better than to do that, but I was so in fear.... and I was caught up in the magical world, and I wanted to learn how to use my new found power, but I didn't realize that by using my power I would first need to get rid of all the blocks so my intentions could be clear. I feel guilty and angry at myself because I added something into my life that wasn't a part of Divine Order, I used my free will to get what I wanted, and I still don't even know what it was that I wanted... Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Iris, it's just that I am still confused as to why I didn't use my brain.... I was following my heart, I had just gotten out of jail, I guess I should show compassion for myself.... regardless of whether or not I fully understand what I was feeling.

Part of the cycles I go through is impatience.... I get out into the world and I see everyone with their awesome boyfriend/girlfriend and my ego instantly is like "I want and need that, and I need it now" (which also may have been part of the reason why I ran away to Florida) and so I go out and seek it. I was told that I needed patience by a spirit guide of mine right before I left for California, and when I got to jail I was wiped with a wonderful healing light and cleansed by that spirit guide. She told me I had learned patience. I practice patience in almost every area of my life, but there are some things I feel like I can't live without, or that I have lived without it for so long that I am tired of waiting for it, and it feels like it is never coming. Impatience at its finest. It's the sense of angry and "why me? why do I have to wait so long to find the love of my life" Which turns into me trying to rush people into falling in love with me, which blows up in my face, EVERY SINGLE TIME. This self-destructive cycle has got to go.

I have just recently decided that I am in to win it, and that means there are going to need to be a lot of changes. The doubts I have about my writing are... there are no words for it. Language is a representation of communicating feel through symbols. We have done it since caveman era, the smybols have now developed into circles and angles that have a certain meaning. Progress. Growth. I should study language.

Enough ramblings for toeday

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

Seeing the Big Picture

So,

The journey to excellence has begun. Mostly what I want to talk about today is the relationship I have with my mom. This is something that I have resisted talking about for many years because I want to feel like there is a difference between "talking shit" about my mom and just expressing how I feel about how her actions have made me feel my entire life. There is a thin line between disrespecting her and honoring her all while trying to figure out what boundaries I need to create to protect myself from her emotional vampire tactics. 

My mom has a lot of emotional issues, and because she never really tried to deal with them for whatever reasons (probably because she felt like she had to take care of everybody else) she started treating my brother and I like shit. I have spent the past year and a half accepting her, forgiving her, and gaining compassion for her. She doesn't want me to be mad at her, and I truly have forgiven her, but two weeks ago she verbally abused me because of the friends I have, what? It gets old, and it's tiring, and every time I'm with her I feel drained. 

Today I finally set the boundary, I told her that until she started showing respect for my creative power that I would not be wanting to be around her and seeing Iris. I just need this time to really establish how I nourish myself, and being around her makes me feel like I'm denying myself nourishment. I end up feeling guilty and drained or angry and frustrated after hanging out with her. I need my space to figure out how to develop a healthier relationship with my daughter so we can change this family karma... my mom did the same thing when she had me, creating distance from her mom. 

It's not that I don't want my mom to know Iris, that's what I want more than anything, but now is not the time. I need to figure out things for myself, and feeling guilty and angry is definitely not a part of my path anymore, and it's no longer needed. 

I see where I need to improve my mothering skills... 1. talking to Iris in baby voices rather than in serious voices (she likes the baby voices best) 2. lessening my frustration (I mean I don't get frustrated that much, but I would like to lessen getting frustrated. 3. Interacting more with her when she is awake. Maybe singing to her more, and dance around with her. I need to have more fun around her, outwardly. I think that's important. I am one of those people that takes life pretty fucking seriously... I kind of have this rigidness about me sometimes; I love to have fun, but i have this idea of what fun should be.... are there "fun" gods out there? how does spirit have fun? I definitely need to have more fun in my life, and lighten up a whole lot. I focus so much on healing myself, which is not a bad thing at all, but damn I'm not all fucked up, and having fun and laughing and being playful is super healing in itself!

The journey has only begun, and I'm definitely seeing that I need to start seeing the big picture of thing, and receive more fun in my life, because this could be my last time I come down to earth, and there is no other place like this.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia 

baby luck :)

Am I seriously the luckiest person in the world?

So Iris is 3 weeks and one day old, and this transition into motherhood has been fucking great. I use the F word to emphasize how truly blessed I am that I have the most awesome new born in the world. I know what you're thinking, "everybody says that about their kid", but let me tell you, she is just SO well behaved already and it's only been three weeks.

*she has only cried for a matter of five minutes at a time and it's only when she is hungry, gassy/poopy, tired, or needs something.

*MOST of the time she sleeps for me, and I still get at least 7 hours of sleep a night.

*she eats like a champion, and totally has respect for when I need to take care of myself before I can take care of her... EX: I was feeding one day early on, and it was one of the first times that I was alone with her at the house; my nipples were SO sore and I just needed to take a shower, so I stopped feeding (and she didn't even fuss) and I told her in words "Mommy needs to take care of herself first, and then she can finish taking care of you". I brought the swing into the bathroom and I hopped in the shower. She sat there and stayed calm and just stared around the bathroom, giving me just enough time to relax myself and wash my body, then when I was done and she was tired of waiting she fussed and I got out. Perfect timing.

*SHE IS SO AWARE. Think about the most aware baby you could probably have, and that's my child.

*when I get frustrated for even a second she notices, fusses, and I realize that she can feel me and I instantly climb back up to the vibration it was on.

This is just my theory, but I am beginning to believe that all of the pre-natal yoga I did, pre-natal meditation I did, and just working really hard on myself rubbed off on her and she is just so pleasant to be around. I feel like she knows that I'm doing this alone and she is making it as easy as possible for me, also because I am taking the time to make my life easy as possible. When you're vibrating on grattitude, love, peace, joy, harmony, and passion life is SO easy, success is right around the corner, and the day to day routine is something enjoyable rather than dreadful. It's true what they say about kids, they know/are very connected to mother, and when something is good, they are good, and when something is "bad" (although I don't believe in bad anymore), they are "bad".

If this is the first three weeks of my kid's life, I can't wait to see the rest of it. It's amazing that I get to know this person a WHOLE lifetime. :) I get to see her grow from the tiniest to the biggest, and what an amazing journey this will be. It's amazing how much you can know about someone who can't even tell you who they are yet... and it's kind of weird that we start of knowing nothing about ourselves, but our mother's know every inch of who we are/how we will be.

I am so thankful for this wonderful, amazing miracle my little girl is. She is so filled with understanding and compassion for the world. My favorite thing to do with her is kiss her... and when I kiss her she makes the same face her dad made when I kissed him. I am happy that I loved the person I made a child with... that just makes it even easier.

I have come such a long way from the girl I was to the woman I am today, and I am truly thankful for my past self for working so hard, sooo hard to get where she is. She took out her sword and fought all the dragons without an ounce of doubt. You rock, now the warrior in me is learning how to be gentle  and kind in all the ways of the world, and as she proceeds on her journey to excellence, she knows that all is right in her and goddess Iris' world.

Peace, Love, Joy, and Gr attitude

Until Next Time,

-Olivia