confessions of a drama queen

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Redemption

So for many of you who read my blog, I would say 90% of you have known me since I was at least 18, and being completely honest here- I was a whole lot of insecure and not a lotta fun to be around. I didn't know what I was doing, and even after I grew into my 20s and developed some fake self confidence I was still dealing with all these emotional "issues" that I created. I may or may not have burned a lot of bridges, and when I look back I realize that it was all me, and the only person who hated Olivia, was Olivia. I would say leaving and travelling and discovering my true talents, becoming aligned with what the Universe wants to provide to the world through me was what saved me... Jesus saved me. Buddha saved me. The All Mighty Power who was protecting me as I was running away from my emotional body saved me. I don't talk much about the emotions I felt while I was travelling, because it was going so quickly and I was having so much fun that it's hard for me to inturrpret that- and because it's such a real part of me that I'm not too sure how to share yet. I'm at a point now where I feel healthy enough to establish good relationships with people again, but when I revisit old friendships I feel as though I have to redeem myself. Do I have to feel guilty for the way I acted when I was coming off of mood stabalizers? Do I have to feel guilty for being immature? Do I have to feel like I missed out on something great because I couldn't "handle" it? Do I have to show them who I have become, so they can forget who I was? Do I have to forget who I was? I wasn't all that bad, but what it really is that I wasn't at my best. I have forgiven myself, and I know they have forgiven me too... is it too late to express my true creative self? No. Never. Time always gives you as many chances as you need. I want to be at my best, and I am at my best when I am acting as a mature 22 year old prepared to go to work and school. I'm at my best when I'm hulahooping, I'm at my best when I'm spinning fire... the emotions can create a lot of things, and we are the judges of whether it's good or bad.... My past creations have been creative alright, and now I'm ready to create good things for the judges, because lets face it, we're all being judged by each other. All of the time. My writing is judged, but I don't care, becasue I know it's good, it's true, it comes from the heart. It's not a competition, I'm doing it just because I want to share, and when I hulahoop I do it because I want to feel good, and when I spin fire I do it because it's fun as shit, and when I speak of spirituality I do it because I love it. When I give reiki and do massage I do it because it feels good to give a service. Do any of my old insecurities of the person "I was", rather portrayed myself to be, need to come with me? Do I need to hear the criticism of my creative energy anymore? Mostly of my emotions, and how I was feeling, and how I expressed those feelings? No. I know how to express myself in a healthy way, I express myself in a healthy way. Agnes Scott was a year and a half of a girl who was sad, confused, and so desperately wanting to fit in to somewhere, and that year and a half is over, and has been over for the past two years. The only person who still feels those feelings of guilt, shame, hurt, and pain is me. Everyone went on with their lives, just as I went on with my life, there is no need for me to carry on an image of myself that no longer exists. If I could say anything to that girl, I would say "I love you. I love you and it's all going to be okay. Everything that you're going through right now is going to shape you into a beautiful, wonderful amazing contributing member of society, and you're going to have everything you want and everything you need. This too shall pass..." And that it did. It passed. Rather quickly. I remember being kicked out, wallowing in my saddness, hurting for friends, being forced to look within for comfort, instead running away... I'm thankful for those times of running, but I'm done running. My emotional body is not that bad, and is easily tamed with walking, yoga, and a few deep breaths. There is no need for a redemption... that's a song I don't know how to sing anyway. The truth is I went down a few wrong roads,  and there will always be greater and lesser people than I, no comparisons. I Am that I Am.  It's funny because ego is the emotions, ego is the thought creating the feeling. So if I'm gonna have an ego and it's gonna be this way, then I'm gonna keep my ego in check, and let it know that it's not the all mighty power, and from now on these emotions are going to give me pleasure rather than pain. Until Next Time, -Olivia

being honest with myself toward a friend

I went off on a tanget after a very good friend of mine called me out on some of the behavior that I have portrayed within the past year, and past some. Sometimes it's hard to be completely honest with yourself when you get into a habit that you've gotten comfortable in, but honesty helps you find a way out; creates the space for you to change and grow and become something more. Honestly money is a basic need, and as much as we all "hate" it, we must love it somehow because it allows us to direct, respect, and understand giving and reciving in a way we may never have if the power of money was not here. Money is our way of sharing life, money is our exchange, money is a truth, power is a truth. Boundaries need to be created, money creates the boundaries of what's safe and what's not safe, I wanted to know how to play well with my money, so I took a break, I let it go for a while, I wanted to understand the emotions, because I knew that's what I was experienicng with money, I wanted to understand the experience, but I now realize I can live the experience AND understand it at the same time. My inutition (creative energy, which tells me which way to go) is undergoing transformation, and has been for quite some time. I now am understanding, accepting, and changing the way I am going to experience life... and honestly it is absolutely for the better. It is such a liberating feeling to know that I can experience both at the same time. I can be free, I know longer have to put myself in an impovrished state, I can save my money, I can cut back on things that I think I need to taste, I can be fulfilled in what I already have- because honestly I got a lot, and I want to share the BEST me,  the most vibrant, radiant, truthful human being I can be... i want to share my true gift of spiritual speaking, massage, reiki, for the future, and for the now I want to spead my true self in the best way I can, and I know that working at a call center, calling people and asking them to take surveys, or working at a cafe in T-mobile is what I'm going to need to do, because there is A LOT I need to learn about reality, and how to do it well, with as many bumps as possible. I want to be smooth with my money, I wanted to experience full balance with my financial abilities. Here's the letter I wrote to my friend Amanda. I am so very quickly moving through this because the time is now, I'm growing a human inside of me that needs me, and hell I NEED ME TOO! I need for me to express myself creatively, I'm going crazy sitting at home! I know that time has come and I am ready to work!! I'm ready to share! I'm ready live in two worlds at once. Money always gives us what we need,  nobody denys money; which is a representation of God, always giving us what we need. Through taking control of our creative power, and harvesting it through the gift God gave us, we are now taking control of our body, we are listening to our body, and it is telling us what to do with our money, and the great part about it is God is still there! God has given us the guidelines through thought, through spirit, through our higher self to know what we need and don't need! I accept that us humans are all still learning, and that many things that I have accepted as true are not as such, however I know that the truth is within me. I know that I am able to go with the flow! I am taking the nessecary steps toward my goals. I am starting exactly where I need to be. I appreciate all that I am able to learn right now. <3 <3 <3 <3 Until Next Time, -Olivia

Outlet

I keep having these dreams. It's usually right before I'm going to wake up; I'm a place that I have been before, and mostly the dream is dealing with something that I have been wanting to change about myself, and i am just now recognizing in this moment that the dream is going in chronological order of how things happened to me last summer. I guess you could call it a reoccurring dream... the scene is different but my actions all, well completely inactive really. I am put into a comatose state of  the mouth, my tongue swells up like a big gum ball (i'm still able to breathe) and I can't talk. I can still here my thoughts though, and the first couple of times this happened I told myself that I was going to be okay. But then there is a voice whispering in my ear. Last night in my dream I was getting my job back at Panera Bread, my old managers were there, my old friends were there, and then the girl that I got in trouble with last summer at the Khol's was there. I was walking behind her, I said "Hi _____". She stopped and dropped her head back, in despair "Oh shit. Hi Olivia". I went to go clock in and we exchanged words something or other about how I'm completely over what ever the hell "happened" last summer (and honestly we all created it to be something so dramatic and upsetting, but in reality it was just fucking happening) and that I was taking the blame for the charges she should have had too, and that it was all going to be fine. I started walking away, and that's when it happened. I hit the floor in my dream, I couldn't move. I was afraid because I was at work and I needed to be doing other things; my tongue swell up like a gum ball again, and this time I was completely parched, I was in need of water, so badly. I attempted to open my eyes, call for help, asking for someone to get me water. Because of all this fear, I missed part of the message that was being said to me... but the end was something or other about working a minimum wage job just to pay for something that I did, and she did... I felt revenge and anger, but I knew the message was important. I finally was able to get up after what felt like forever, and I looked at my fellow co-workers, acting as if nothing had just happened. "Yeah, I saw you down there... but you looked okay". I dazefully walked back to the locker to get a drink, walking around the long way to avoid seeing the girl who I had gotten in trouble with. As I reached the locker, I found water, and I chugged. Then I woke up. When I was in Florida with my baby daddy we met a man, a man who spoke prophetically of this time and age, and what was going to happen. He said that we would be forced to be silent, and our ears would open up more widely. This is what has been happening to me in my dreams. I am forced to be silent, and I am forced to hear at least the most important part of what is being said to me. He said this would be spirit's way of letting us know that it will be coming down again soon... In my dream I keep searching for some sort of outlet not to listen, but sometimes when I have had this dream I was able to relax, and just hear what was being said, and sometimes I would just be moving, walking, not forced to lay down with my eyes closed. It's as if sometimes I'm attempting to merge two worlds into one, the dream world and reality, my mind is attempting to make them one. That's what Oneness is, this separation of subconscious and conscious was not always, and now as a single person I am attempting to merge the two back together, to create One. I am not the only one in the world doing this, but I have just become Aware, in this moment in time of what is really going on. But in order for these worlds to merge, I must first heal down here, in return healing up there. I am not too sure why my tongue has to swell up and I sometimes I have to be in the dark, but I'm just going to say this; I do believe our dreams have much more of a meaning than a lot of people would say they do. I cannot say what's going to happen within the next fifty years, but I can be certain that humanity is going to change drastically, and for the better. I say this with confidence, and hope my outlet of writing will awaken someone who is not yet to the reality of the spirit realm and the dream world. Until Next Time, -Olivia

i remember

I remember the day that you said we were done. My emotional body couldn't handle the thought of being left again. Now I'm sitting here listening to this song, and it strikes the same chord in my emotional body as you striked the day you said we were done. Emptiness. Regret. Sadness. Longing for. The good memories all rush back, and I think about how much fun we had together... and how much fun we can still have together. But you fucked up, you fucked up and so did I. We did exactly what we said we didn't want to do; we rushed. The time is not now. The time is later. Way later actually. Ten years down the road for me, but I convinced myself that I loved you so much that of course I would want to have a baby with you.  You lied to me, you lied to me so many times, and yeah I lied to you too... you said you had things that you had never had before, but I overlooked all of it... I overlooked it because I believed that you would change for me. But then I have those visions, those visions of the girl you let get away, and how you're still in love with her... because she was the only girl that you ever loved, and she's going stay that way. I'm not going to be second. I'm not going to be second best. We brought out the worst in each other, and I would be stupid to think that you coming here is a good idea, in fact... I'm not that stupid. I am not going to take care of you because you're mourning period is over, and it's lasted 15 years too fucking long. I feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for you because you know that I'm your only hope at making it in this world again, and you need me to push you- but you don't like being pushed.... and I digress, because it's not me that you really need. You need yourself to learn how to play by the rules. I write all of this, and I mean it all, but there is this part of me that just loves you.... I love you so much that I would take the risk with you every single time,  but if I give this baby away to a family who has it all, the chances of you and I being together probably would be slim to none... and I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with keeping the child just so you and I would be together, you mean a lot to me, but I mean a lot to me too. Your irresponsible actions have made you have no choice in this matter, and as you sit in jail not knowing what I'm going to do- I know you realize how much you fucked up.... but that's only half the battle. The other half is actually taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Stop wasting your creative energy with the formless, because we in fact are of form, and we are meant to do things with our form. I realize this, and I'm going to create a life for myself. I'm going to put myself first, and I'm going to make the decision I know that Olivia Claire Madlock is going to make- and you have no stability,  no necessities to provide for a child, and niether do I. I am in the midst of building my reality the way I want it, and we met in a reconstruction period, thought we could create together, but we did the rush job... and this is what rushed work gets. Lesson learned for me, I wish I could say the same for you. I now know that my impulses are not always right, I know now that I need to think the big stuff through, I know now that I am a Divine expression of life and I am allowed to be a form that is a part of the creation process. Writing, massage, reiki, spirituality, relaxation, healing, all those things are a part of my form and I choose to express them openly and widely. You can no longer be a part of my creation. And that's what my heart says.  It's time for me to grow up, it's time for me to be a big girl now, and this baby in my womb is going to go to a nice family that has it all- and when I see the kid in 18 years I know that they'll be happy I gave him/her up for adoption. Maybe you'll call, maybe you'll get out of jail, but my decision is going to be the same. I have a life to live, I have dreams to fulfill, I have the world to travel! Being a mom is no longer on my list of things to do. Indecisiveness is no longer a part of my form- all of the decisions I make are clear.  I'll be the first to admit that I have made inadequate decisions, turned down a lot of roads to nowhere, and eventually found my way back on the road to Heaven.  I'm done with that, I'm healed.  Until next time,  -Olivia

conversations with thoughts

To you: The baby growing in my womb. You are making me completely aware of my emotional body,  in fact I am so aware that I'm becoming overwhelmed with the amount of unfinished thoughts I say in a day. It's like you're awakening the part of me that is my type writer, my descriptive nature, my language. You're fluent in love, in fact so well that all I really feel most of the time is pure bliss, calm, tranquil waves of emotion on the sea shore of my life... but I must admit you do have a wonderful way of awakening the darknesses within my pain body; was it utterly necessary to point out the years of fear that has been installed in me for the past 10 years of my life? Oh yeah, I don't miss a beat... quite frankly I keep up so well with your little mind games, - wait. That was it right there. Yep. Right there. You did it, and you felt it, but... okay so it was like this.... "you just crossed a boundary you have within yourself, no biggie... the boundary, is called going down to the lower vibrations and harvesting them as a creative power that you can use". Is that what I should do then? Take all the sadness and anger that I have imagined in my life, along with the handy tool of the I Am presence (thank you Jesus), and write a novel? Write something magnificent, something great. Give myself the reward of breaking the mold FINALLY, and just coming out of my shell! Learning to fly, learning to hear my true self at all times. Gotta go, I'll talk to you again soon.
from: yo mama <3

never build from your memory?

Our thoughts manifest our world, yes? We can all be in agreement of that. Our thoughts come from an outer source through the subconscious mind, the area in which the formless creates the form for us to create our physical world. The formless is the magic of life, where the dream is being built, the mental image is created, and our formless mind becomes filled with cravings as soon as we are born to our parents. Their form creates our formless mind within the first three years of us being on this planet. Through gaining more awareness, becoming more mindful, and being a down right smart person I've discovered that what's in my subconscious mind was created at a very young age, and has just continued manifesting itself because I didn't know what I know now, or how to create anything different. I think about all the hours that I watched TV, and skinny blonde and brunette girls shopping at malls, driving fancy cars, and drinking coffee with their friends in Laguna Beach, CA probably made my body "issues" or the idea that I wasn't beautiful. Where would that even come from? Because I'm not on TV living in one of the richest cities in the world I'm not a beautiful girl? Because I have curves, a little extra on the tummy, and love handles I'm not a beautiful girl? This is what's in my memory; this is what stays in my subconscious mind, thus manifesting in my emotional body, creating feelings of ugliness, sadness, and sometimes downright hatred of the way I look. Why were we taught to hate our body? Why were we taught good vs bad? Just a measurement of the darkness, light, and somewhat in between. I watched inception last night, and the movie was basically saying that once you realize that there are not only two parts of you, but three parts of you (mind, body, and spirit) create the one dream, which is why there were three settings, three levels of dreaming. In the movie at one point, when Leo's character was teaching Ellen Page to build dreams, he said not to create from your memory, and when she did that, it sparked Leo's memory... I had the theory earlier in the week that the subconscious mind is the memory, the subconscious mind is what allows our hardwired brain to perceive the past as real and the future as something to move forward to... so my question is, it is even possible to not create from your memory? That's where the blueprint of the design of our life started. And that's where my conscious mind says, "Olivia- you've been healing your past, because you know that it's impossible to completely wipe away your memory and still be a healthy person, therefore you've been going in your subconscious mind, finding the memories that were "scary" or "bad" or "emotionally tolling" and you've been shining the light on them". There are many ways to do this, but I'm saying if you want to create something AMAZING for yourself surrender to the healing power of the formless... everyone has their own gfits, and everyone's mind was built as a different program of God, but it is ultimately all one. Ego is the designer of form, ego is creating this world for us. Be nice to ego, because if you want to live in this world ego is going to live with you. Allow the formless to create your ego for you, don't allow the ego to create for itself, it has too many needs, to many things that it needs in order to feel "safe"- but like Echart Tolle said wanting to feel safe is what keeps us from expanding into our true form the most. <br> I'm going to my brothers graduation today, and I am allowing the One, the I Am presence to guide me through this all. <br> Until Next Time, <br> -Olivia