Tuesday, June 24, 2014

moments after moments

It's these moments of stability that I crave.
And the great part about it is, if I continue to work at it I can be stable for the rest of my life.
I have a stable income.
I have a stable home.
I have stable relationships.
My foundation is healed, my root chakra is a beaming color of ruby red, and these color visualizations are what keep me stable and balanced and in the NOW.
The hard part isn't keeping it there, it's getting it there... putting all THOSE puzzle pieces together, and finally seeing the big picture.
Fighting the urge to do whatever learned behavior it was before that hurt me so badly in the first place... it was never the other person, it was always me.
It was always my subconscious negative self talk that got in the way of me thriving and getting the gold.
I don't ask why much, but damn... why did I have to do that to myself?
To re-learn who I was?
The illusion does not have an answer to why... the illusion is not real.
Real or not real.
That's always the question.
Is this re-al-it-y that I am experiencing emotionally real?
Most times, no.
Most times, never.
The illusion pops up and I don't really believe it anymore.
What's the point?
Do I need to go down the path of disillusionment?
Never do I NEED to do that.
Bonnaroo is just one big illusion... but there is the truth that spreads it self there.
Illusions. fantasies.
Keeping me from reality.
Because my reality is too much?
Nope. Not at this point in my life.
In fact my reality is just right.
Pursuing my dreams of being a world-renowned healer.
Finishing up massage school.
Sacred sacred sacred.
So that path of illusion....
it was sacred too?
yes, yes it was.
And I learned something from it....
I learned about fear, I learned about greed, and I learned about anger.
Through transformation I gained love, through transmutation I gained compassion, through observation I gained knowledge, and through that knowledge I realized that competition does NOT exist, that jealousy is a farce... and that giving away my fucking power is not fucking worth it.
The illusion wants something it can't have... I can give it my power, but it can't do anything with it.
I can feed it as if it were real, but it will never be real.
It's sad how badly it craves something that it can't have....
Well, it craves something that it can't have in the way they it wants it
It gets what it needs
I need stability
I need stability
I need stability
<3 and it's okay
Illusions, fantasies, games.
Letting it go.
Seeing the light.
Living my bliss.
Being my true authentic self.
It's worth it, you all should try it.

Friday, June 20, 2014

The details.

Oh the details of life.

I used to say "all of the details take care of themselves", but in that I am not finding very much truth. Root chakra is the details- making sure we have everything we need in order to do the task at hand.... run a household, run a business, run a marathon, shit run life. I have a serious problem with pay attention to the details, and in that I find that's where most of my drama comes from.... me not paying attention to the details of the scene; forgetting to put the dishes up, forgetting to initial an appointment time in the book.... it's the little things that add up to the explosive dramatic reactions from others... they get so mad at me. My mom screams, my classmates get frustrated.... I am hindering them with my lack of attentiveness. Attention deficit disorder... I say that certain things don't bother me, and maybe they don't, but I have a feeling that they're going to bother me.... lack of attention to detail is a gateway for chaos to enter. Chaos in this world creates all these angry, frustrated, upset feelings.... order is what maintains the love. I must be the order in chaos. I need to make lists, so I can make sure that I have everything I need. I always miss something though.... I want to make it my goal not to miss a thing. I want to make it my goal to do it right the first time-I did not have a very good teacher when it came to that stuff.... but at this point I know what to do, now it just takes practice. I might need a list for everything, which I am okay with.

I am about to move into my own apartment, and I think being a good mom ensures paying attention to the details, and I really can't afford to buy Iris something new every time I forget it. Getting deeper into my root chakra, and clearing out all that is no longer needed. My spiritual journey is now on a basic level, and it's quite nice.As co-creator it is my job to make sure that I have everything I need in order to have a good time... I accept my job.