Coming into my last trimester of this long transformational journey of being pregnant, I am starting to realize the amount of things that I am going to have to change about my lifestyle in order to provide the best possible life for my little girl...
and i am scared as fuck.
Did I really sign up for this? Am I really even ready for this? I mean, okay so I know I can do it, and I know it has been done by girls who are younger than me, and 22 is a pretty normal age to start popping out babies... but when I think about the way I live, and I think about the things I've done, I realize HOW MUCH THIS IS ABOUT TO CHANGE ME. And change is not a bad thing, it's not a bad thing at all. I am ready for the crying, and the changing of diapers, and the watching her sleep, and the making sure she has a person that I trust watch her while I finish massage school... but I don't know if my brain is ready to start thinking about this little human 24/7, at all times.
but i am really excited.
When I think about her actually being here, and me holding her, and telling her that she is safe and loved, and watching her grow, and putting clothes on her, and doing her hair, and cooking dinner for her, and making sure she drinks enough water, and breast feeding... all those things that come with being a mother really excite me. I think about when she is 2 or 3 or 4 and how she is going to start talking like me.... ahpwearuiawieourpewoiruawpeoriuewpoqiru.dvjkhadklpg!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY REALITY RIGHT NOW! I, Olivia Claire Madlock, former party diva, homeless living, acid tripping, bonnaroo going crazy hippie chick, am going to be a mom!! A MOTHER. what.the.fuck. She is going to be here in three months. I'm going to push a baby out of my vagina?!?!??!?!?! I'm going to raise my baby alone, without her father around?!?!??!?! I have no idea, absolutely no fucking idea, what to except. I am litterally just hoping and praying that I am going to have all the help I need, I'm going to take care of myself in the way that I need to be taken care of, and I'm going to take care of her in the way that she needs to be taken care of.
Its really not a matter of "am I going to do this" anymore, the decision has been made for me, and was made far and long ago... this is the path my soul chose. My daughter and I are going to share a crazy cool bond, and I know when she rebels as a teenager, just as I did, I will do the best I can to just make sure she is safe. I don't want to spank her, I don't want to yell at her, I really just want to love her, and give her disicpline in loving ways. This is my journey. This is my journey as a parent. It doesn't matter if anybody else thinks I'll be good at it or not, and my intentions are nothing but pure. I vow to always provide a peaceful, loving enviornment for Iris, I vow to always provide stability, I vow to always provide her basic needs, and I am going to do the best I can do to teach her the things that she needs to know about herself, and about the world so she can go out there and be amazing. I vow to let her know that it is okay to express emotions, and it is okay to cry, and when you cry that means it's gone forever, and God's light will fill you back up with unconditional love. I will let her know the truth about me, I will share the truths I know about the universe, I will allow her to be her true authentic self, never trying to change her, giving her freedom to create. I will teach her the boundaries (even though she will know from the beginning that she is a limitless being) of the Earth plane, and she will know to respect them. I will teach her to challenge her peers in a healthy way, and I will teach her how to stand up for what she believes in because the time is always now to spread the light... THE TIME IS ALWAYS NOW TO SPREAD THE LIGHT.
Iris Athena Madlock come Decemeber (insert date here) 2013, you will come into this world, and I will laugh, cry, and feel the ultimate rush of hormones release from my body when you are born. You will know your grandma and you will even know your grandpa, you will know your dad and his side of the family too. So many people love you, and even though you already know me as your mom, I promise you Iris, I will be more than a mom, I will be a friend too.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
late night healing is good for the soul
I've come to the realization that it's not even the fact that my mother wasn't there for me when I was a child, it was that she didn't take care of herself well enough to provide for my emotional needs for me when I was a teenager causing havoc and chaos in the home up until I left for college. I have a huge scar on my heart from the amount of times I was called a bitch, whore, cunt, motherfucker. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of calling her all those names too, and she probably hurts to know that her daughter has so much beef with her, but this stops now.
I forgive my mother for being insufficient to my needs later in life. I know that she was not taught the best way to deal with her emotions either; if she was even taught at all. This is not just a problem in my family, it is a problem in the world. I know that there are many parents out there that were not taught how to take care of themselves, and went on to raise children, and did the best that they could to take care of another life. I realized how important it is for me to be fully committed to my total health not only for my well being but also for the life that I am bringing into the world. It is my duty as a mother to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. That means meditating, doing yoga, writing about my feelings, being honest with myself, and just fully overcoming the anxiety and worry that I allow to manifest in my life. If I can help it Iris will be armed with the BEST tools to deal with her life, and hopefully one day she will say that I was a great example of how to live and base her model on me. I saw that my mom's life was NOT the best way to do it, and I had to go out and find my own way. I don't hold a grudge for that, but I know that I can do a much better job with my daughter. I know that I can truly give her what she needs as long as I truly give myself what I need.
I want to find out my true dietary needs, I want to discover what it takes to truly heal my emotions, I want to live in a miraculous world where even in times of chaos I am able to stand tall as the wall of water washes over me and know that everything is going to be okay. I want to get over the emotional issues I have with my mother, with women. I want to get over the emotional issues I have my father, with men. It's NOT worth it to me to carry on the pain of what they may or may not have taught me. It's not worth it to me to carry on the guilt I feel for being a bratty teenager. It's just not worth it anymore. I want to feel abundant, and use the abundance of knowledge that I have to make my life, to make my daughter's life, better.
If there is anything I can do for Iris I know it's that I can be totally and completely honest with her about things that have happened in my life, in her father's life (from what I know), and our relationship that we had. She will know that she was loved by both of us, and she will know that it was never her fault. I will be more sensitive to her needs, because I am more sensitive to my needs. This is my promise to myself. This is my promise to my daughter. This is my promise to life. I chose to learn this way this lifetime, and I am so thankful for the gift that I have. Whatever it takes for me to feel on top of my game at all times I will do. Society asks us to bring out the best in ourselves for the sake of us and others. I am probably going to be tired at school, but I know that I'm going to make it through. I would have rather woken up and gotten this out than laid in bed tossing and turning, antagonizing myself over how I need to feel guilty for not inviting my mom to a party, for "dropping the ball" with Micheal... because that's nothing to feel guilty over. I'm still learning, and the great part is I'm wise enough to actually learn from my mistakes and apply spirituality to the emotions so I can heal this shit. It's not worth it to carry around the restraints of guilt, and I know that nobody wants me to feel bad about myself. Learning how to communicate my feelings properly and effectively to my mother, to women, to others will be a lesson learned. I understand the seriousness of life, and the power of choice and what we can do with it. I understand how important it is to portray my true authentic self to the world, otherwise I will be criticized for my actions. I appreciate my ability to learn this at a young age of 22 so I set in the habits now.
I am aware of what I need to do in order to live up to the high expectations society and others hold to me, the high expectations I have for myself. I can do this. I can be my best self. I am my best self. I can manifest my best self.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
I forgive my mother for being insufficient to my needs later in life. I know that she was not taught the best way to deal with her emotions either; if she was even taught at all. This is not just a problem in my family, it is a problem in the world. I know that there are many parents out there that were not taught how to take care of themselves, and went on to raise children, and did the best that they could to take care of another life. I realized how important it is for me to be fully committed to my total health not only for my well being but also for the life that I am bringing into the world. It is my duty as a mother to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. That means meditating, doing yoga, writing about my feelings, being honest with myself, and just fully overcoming the anxiety and worry that I allow to manifest in my life. If I can help it Iris will be armed with the BEST tools to deal with her life, and hopefully one day she will say that I was a great example of how to live and base her model on me. I saw that my mom's life was NOT the best way to do it, and I had to go out and find my own way. I don't hold a grudge for that, but I know that I can do a much better job with my daughter. I know that I can truly give her what she needs as long as I truly give myself what I need.
I want to find out my true dietary needs, I want to discover what it takes to truly heal my emotions, I want to live in a miraculous world where even in times of chaos I am able to stand tall as the wall of water washes over me and know that everything is going to be okay. I want to get over the emotional issues I have with my mother, with women. I want to get over the emotional issues I have my father, with men. It's NOT worth it to me to carry on the pain of what they may or may not have taught me. It's not worth it to me to carry on the guilt I feel for being a bratty teenager. It's just not worth it anymore. I want to feel abundant, and use the abundance of knowledge that I have to make my life, to make my daughter's life, better.
If there is anything I can do for Iris I know it's that I can be totally and completely honest with her about things that have happened in my life, in her father's life (from what I know), and our relationship that we had. She will know that she was loved by both of us, and she will know that it was never her fault. I will be more sensitive to her needs, because I am more sensitive to my needs. This is my promise to myself. This is my promise to my daughter. This is my promise to life. I chose to learn this way this lifetime, and I am so thankful for the gift that I have. Whatever it takes for me to feel on top of my game at all times I will do. Society asks us to bring out the best in ourselves for the sake of us and others. I am probably going to be tired at school, but I know that I'm going to make it through. I would have rather woken up and gotten this out than laid in bed tossing and turning, antagonizing myself over how I need to feel guilty for not inviting my mom to a party, for "dropping the ball" with Micheal... because that's nothing to feel guilty over. I'm still learning, and the great part is I'm wise enough to actually learn from my mistakes and apply spirituality to the emotions so I can heal this shit. It's not worth it to carry around the restraints of guilt, and I know that nobody wants me to feel bad about myself. Learning how to communicate my feelings properly and effectively to my mother, to women, to others will be a lesson learned. I understand the seriousness of life, and the power of choice and what we can do with it. I understand how important it is to portray my true authentic self to the world, otherwise I will be criticized for my actions. I appreciate my ability to learn this at a young age of 22 so I set in the habits now.
I am aware of what I need to do in order to live up to the high expectations society and others hold to me, the high expectations I have for myself. I can do this. I can be my best self. I am my best self. I can manifest my best self.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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