I have been paying attention to my emotional cycles lately, and here is where I am at right now.
Root chakra:
I went and laid Iris on mother earth and we sat outside as the dogs ran around. I got a physic vision of Micheal being on his way to Chattanooga, and I immediately realized that whatever I send to the universe will determine the outcome of whether or not I see him. I was very clear in what I wanted, (which made me realize that the reason I have had such bad luck with men was because I was never really too sure as to what I wanted in a partner, so the universe was all like "is this what you want?"); I started with what I didn't want, and I said "I don't want to be in a relationship with Micheal"... "I want to be unavailable when he comes to Chattanooga". Seeing him would bring so much trouble into my life and I am seriously no longer creating that for my life. That's the reason why I don't hang out with the people who I used to be friends with. I keep thinking about Kalika, I can really feel this energy that her and I shared... when things got tough inside I would want to fight with her, which makes me realize that it was my choice to argue with her, she never forced me to argue with her... I chose that shit. I learned how to argue from my parents, and I had to play out that drama with someone, right? So I attracted people I could fight with, and hurt their feelings, get my feelings hurt, and never get to solution because that's how I grew up. Thank Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Mary Magdalene, Mother Mary, Mother Teresa, Ganesha, Kali, and all the Gods and Goddesses that that mask no longer has to exist.
I am tapping into my most sensitive, deepest, darkest emotions and I am feeling them, but I am not letting them control me. I have my sword with me, and I am conquering my lies with my truth. When you unveil yourself, you realize what was behind the mask was the unconditional love you were looking for all along, you just covered it up... maybe we thought unconditional love was something we could lose. Maybe because when we were children there was no explanation, or way for us to comprehend the amount of hate that surrounded our lives, so we created these masks to protect ourselves. Maybe the fear that we felt created the mask so it wouldn't happen again... after all, tiny humans are the most fragile emotionally. A lot of craziness surrounded me when I was a child; yelling, hitting, drug dealers chasing my dad trying to kill him, my mom never been available for me... when I look back and realize all of the events that happened in my childhood it is seriously a miracle that I did not end up worse off. Damn, our psyches, our bodies, remember every single feeling we have ever felt... I felt legitimate fear one too many times when I was a child, but I have no memory of it in my mind, it's all in my body. Is it our mind that does it to the body? The masculine tries to control the feminine, tries to tell it what to feel, when to feel, how to feel, what it needs.... it's like "woah, back up a second buddy, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I need". When a baby is born that is its first experience of fear... right? Is fear just a concept in our minds? Is fear a belief system that can be reversed? I guess that's what I have been doing by healing myself, reversing the pain, telling myself that what I feel is no longer needed....
This is deep, deep healing work being done here in my body, in my mind, in my spirit. I can only hope that my friends are feeling this. Things that used to matter so much now make no sense as to why they were important, demons that used to control my thoughts no longer exist. I got deep DEEP into myself and I come out brand new each time and I really want more people to come with me. It's what is truly needed, and the time is now. The age of Aquarius is here, Peace is the outcome. I know, slowly but surely everyone will get there.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
cycles
My most recent ego obsessive behavior has been reminiscing on the past months when I was pregnant. The cycles I created based off the old paradigm I used to believe are back to haunt me. I have shown growth, because I am aware of these cycles and they are not the ones that are in control, I am standing my ground and staying heart center (probably because of all the yoga I have been doing lately), those cycles are merely background noise to the peace I feel.
There is something deep inside of me I feel really guilty about, and it has to do with Iris. I realized how irrational, unrealistic, and unreasonable it was for me to think that if I went to Florida I could convince the man the I "loved" (and I'm beginning to realize that I loved the idea of him, not who he actually was) to come to Chattanooga and live there with me was untruthful, beyond my reach, and impulsive. I am still trying to ask myself why I did it, and I feel guilty because I knew so much better than to do that, but I was so in fear.... and I was caught up in the magical world, and I wanted to learn how to use my new found power, but I didn't realize that by using my power I would first need to get rid of all the blocks so my intentions could be clear. I feel guilty and angry at myself because I added something into my life that wasn't a part of Divine Order, I used my free will to get what I wanted, and I still don't even know what it was that I wanted... Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Iris, it's just that I am still confused as to why I didn't use my brain.... I was following my heart, I had just gotten out of jail, I guess I should show compassion for myself.... regardless of whether or not I fully understand what I was feeling.
Part of the cycles I go through is impatience.... I get out into the world and I see everyone with their awesome boyfriend/girlfriend and my ego instantly is like "I want and need that, and I need it now" (which also may have been part of the reason why I ran away to Florida) and so I go out and seek it. I was told that I needed patience by a spirit guide of mine right before I left for California, and when I got to jail I was wiped with a wonderful healing light and cleansed by that spirit guide. She told me I had learned patience. I practice patience in almost every area of my life, but there are some things I feel like I can't live without, or that I have lived without it for so long that I am tired of waiting for it, and it feels like it is never coming. Impatience at its finest. It's the sense of angry and "why me? why do I have to wait so long to find the love of my life" Which turns into me trying to rush people into falling in love with me, which blows up in my face, EVERY SINGLE TIME. This self-destructive cycle has got to go.
I have just recently decided that I am in to win it, and that means there are going to need to be a lot of changes. The doubts I have about my writing are... there are no words for it. Language is a representation of communicating feel through symbols. We have done it since caveman era, the smybols have now developed into circles and angles that have a certain meaning. Progress. Growth. I should study language.
Enough ramblings for toeday
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
There is something deep inside of me I feel really guilty about, and it has to do with Iris. I realized how irrational, unrealistic, and unreasonable it was for me to think that if I went to Florida I could convince the man the I "loved" (and I'm beginning to realize that I loved the idea of him, not who he actually was) to come to Chattanooga and live there with me was untruthful, beyond my reach, and impulsive. I am still trying to ask myself why I did it, and I feel guilty because I knew so much better than to do that, but I was so in fear.... and I was caught up in the magical world, and I wanted to learn how to use my new found power, but I didn't realize that by using my power I would first need to get rid of all the blocks so my intentions could be clear. I feel guilty and angry at myself because I added something into my life that wasn't a part of Divine Order, I used my free will to get what I wanted, and I still don't even know what it was that I wanted... Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Iris, it's just that I am still confused as to why I didn't use my brain.... I was following my heart, I had just gotten out of jail, I guess I should show compassion for myself.... regardless of whether or not I fully understand what I was feeling.
Part of the cycles I go through is impatience.... I get out into the world and I see everyone with their awesome boyfriend/girlfriend and my ego instantly is like "I want and need that, and I need it now" (which also may have been part of the reason why I ran away to Florida) and so I go out and seek it. I was told that I needed patience by a spirit guide of mine right before I left for California, and when I got to jail I was wiped with a wonderful healing light and cleansed by that spirit guide. She told me I had learned patience. I practice patience in almost every area of my life, but there are some things I feel like I can't live without, or that I have lived without it for so long that I am tired of waiting for it, and it feels like it is never coming. Impatience at its finest. It's the sense of angry and "why me? why do I have to wait so long to find the love of my life" Which turns into me trying to rush people into falling in love with me, which blows up in my face, EVERY SINGLE TIME. This self-destructive cycle has got to go.
I have just recently decided that I am in to win it, and that means there are going to need to be a lot of changes. The doubts I have about my writing are... there are no words for it. Language is a representation of communicating feel through symbols. We have done it since caveman era, the smybols have now developed into circles and angles that have a certain meaning. Progress. Growth. I should study language.
Enough ramblings for toeday
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Friday, January 17, 2014
Seeing the Big Picture
So,
The journey to excellence has begun. Mostly what I want to talk about today is the relationship I have with my mom. This is something that I have resisted talking about for many years because I want to feel like there is a difference between "talking shit" about my mom and just expressing how I feel about how her actions have made me feel my entire life. There is a thin line between disrespecting her and honoring her all while trying to figure out what boundaries I need to create to protect myself from her emotional vampire tactics.
My mom has a lot of emotional issues, and because she never really tried to deal with them for whatever reasons (probably because she felt like she had to take care of everybody else) she started treating my brother and I like shit. I have spent the past year and a half accepting her, forgiving her, and gaining compassion for her. She doesn't want me to be mad at her, and I truly have forgiven her, but two weeks ago she verbally abused me because of the friends I have, what? It gets old, and it's tiring, and every time I'm with her I feel drained.
Today I finally set the boundary, I told her that until she started showing respect for my creative power that I would not be wanting to be around her and seeing Iris. I just need this time to really establish how I nourish myself, and being around her makes me feel like I'm denying myself nourishment. I end up feeling guilty and drained or angry and frustrated after hanging out with her. I need my space to figure out how to develop a healthier relationship with my daughter so we can change this family karma... my mom did the same thing when she had me, creating distance from her mom.
It's not that I don't want my mom to know Iris, that's what I want more than anything, but now is not the time. I need to figure out things for myself, and feeling guilty and angry is definitely not a part of my path anymore, and it's no longer needed.
I see where I need to improve my mothering skills... 1. talking to Iris in baby voices rather than in serious voices (she likes the baby voices best) 2. lessening my frustration (I mean I don't get frustrated that much, but I would like to lessen getting frustrated. 3. Interacting more with her when she is awake. Maybe singing to her more, and dance around with her. I need to have more fun around her, outwardly. I think that's important. I am one of those people that takes life pretty fucking seriously... I kind of have this rigidness about me sometimes; I love to have fun, but i have this idea of what fun should be.... are there "fun" gods out there? how does spirit have fun? I definitely need to have more fun in my life, and lighten up a whole lot. I focus so much on healing myself, which is not a bad thing at all, but damn I'm not all fucked up, and having fun and laughing and being playful is super healing in itself!
The journey has only begun, and I'm definitely seeing that I need to start seeing the big picture of thing, and receive more fun in my life, because this could be my last time I come down to earth, and there is no other place like this.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
The journey has only begun, and I'm definitely seeing that I need to start seeing the big picture of thing, and receive more fun in my life, because this could be my last time I come down to earth, and there is no other place like this.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
baby luck :)
Am I seriously the luckiest person in the world?
So Iris is 3 weeks and one day old, and this transition into motherhood has been fucking great. I use the F word to emphasize how truly blessed I am that I have the most awesome new born in the world. I know what you're thinking, "everybody says that about their kid", but let me tell you, she is just SO well behaved already and it's only been three weeks.
*she has only cried for a matter of five minutes at a time and it's only when she is hungry, gassy/poopy, tired, or needs something.
*MOST of the time she sleeps for me, and I still get at least 7 hours of sleep a night.
*she eats like a champion, and totally has respect for when I need to take care of myself before I can take care of her... EX: I was feeding one day early on, and it was one of the first times that I was alone with her at the house; my nipples were SO sore and I just needed to take a shower, so I stopped feeding (and she didn't even fuss) and I told her in words "Mommy needs to take care of herself first, and then she can finish taking care of you". I brought the swing into the bathroom and I hopped in the shower. She sat there and stayed calm and just stared around the bathroom, giving me just enough time to relax myself and wash my body, then when I was done and she was tired of waiting she fussed and I got out. Perfect timing.
*SHE IS SO AWARE. Think about the most aware baby you could probably have, and that's my child.
*when I get frustrated for even a second she notices, fusses, and I realize that she can feel me and I instantly climb back up to the vibration it was on.
This is just my theory, but I am beginning to believe that all of the pre-natal yoga I did, pre-natal meditation I did, and just working really hard on myself rubbed off on her and she is just so pleasant to be around. I feel like she knows that I'm doing this alone and she is making it as easy as possible for me, also because I am taking the time to make my life easy as possible. When you're vibrating on grattitude, love, peace, joy, harmony, and passion life is SO easy, success is right around the corner, and the day to day routine is something enjoyable rather than dreadful. It's true what they say about kids, they know/are very connected to mother, and when something is good, they are good, and when something is "bad" (although I don't believe in bad anymore), they are "bad".
If this is the first three weeks of my kid's life, I can't wait to see the rest of it. It's amazing that I get to know this person a WHOLE lifetime. :) I get to see her grow from the tiniest to the biggest, and what an amazing journey this will be. It's amazing how much you can know about someone who can't even tell you who they are yet... and it's kind of weird that we start of knowing nothing about ourselves, but our mother's know every inch of who we are/how we will be.
I am so thankful for this wonderful, amazing miracle my little girl is. She is so filled with understanding and compassion for the world. My favorite thing to do with her is kiss her... and when I kiss her she makes the same face her dad made when I kissed him. I am happy that I loved the person I made a child with... that just makes it even easier.
I have come such a long way from the girl I was to the woman I am today, and I am truly thankful for my past self for working so hard, sooo hard to get where she is. She took out her sword and fought all the dragons without an ounce of doubt. You rock, now the warrior in me is learning how to be gentle and kind in all the ways of the world, and as she proceeds on her journey to excellence, she knows that all is right in her and goddess Iris' world.
Peace, Love, Joy, and Gr attitude
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
So Iris is 3 weeks and one day old, and this transition into motherhood has been fucking great. I use the F word to emphasize how truly blessed I am that I have the most awesome new born in the world. I know what you're thinking, "everybody says that about their kid", but let me tell you, she is just SO well behaved already and it's only been three weeks.
*she has only cried for a matter of five minutes at a time and it's only when she is hungry, gassy/poopy, tired, or needs something.
*MOST of the time she sleeps for me, and I still get at least 7 hours of sleep a night.
*she eats like a champion, and totally has respect for when I need to take care of myself before I can take care of her... EX: I was feeding one day early on, and it was one of the first times that I was alone with her at the house; my nipples were SO sore and I just needed to take a shower, so I stopped feeding (and she didn't even fuss) and I told her in words "Mommy needs to take care of herself first, and then she can finish taking care of you". I brought the swing into the bathroom and I hopped in the shower. She sat there and stayed calm and just stared around the bathroom, giving me just enough time to relax myself and wash my body, then when I was done and she was tired of waiting she fussed and I got out. Perfect timing.
*SHE IS SO AWARE. Think about the most aware baby you could probably have, and that's my child.
*when I get frustrated for even a second she notices, fusses, and I realize that she can feel me and I instantly climb back up to the vibration it was on.
This is just my theory, but I am beginning to believe that all of the pre-natal yoga I did, pre-natal meditation I did, and just working really hard on myself rubbed off on her and she is just so pleasant to be around. I feel like she knows that I'm doing this alone and she is making it as easy as possible for me, also because I am taking the time to make my life easy as possible. When you're vibrating on grattitude, love, peace, joy, harmony, and passion life is SO easy, success is right around the corner, and the day to day routine is something enjoyable rather than dreadful. It's true what they say about kids, they know/are very connected to mother, and when something is good, they are good, and when something is "bad" (although I don't believe in bad anymore), they are "bad".
If this is the first three weeks of my kid's life, I can't wait to see the rest of it. It's amazing that I get to know this person a WHOLE lifetime. :) I get to see her grow from the tiniest to the biggest, and what an amazing journey this will be. It's amazing how much you can know about someone who can't even tell you who they are yet... and it's kind of weird that we start of knowing nothing about ourselves, but our mother's know every inch of who we are/how we will be.
I am so thankful for this wonderful, amazing miracle my little girl is. She is so filled with understanding and compassion for the world. My favorite thing to do with her is kiss her... and when I kiss her she makes the same face her dad made when I kissed him. I am happy that I loved the person I made a child with... that just makes it even easier.
I have come such a long way from the girl I was to the woman I am today, and I am truly thankful for my past self for working so hard, sooo hard to get where she is. She took out her sword and fought all the dragons without an ounce of doubt. You rock, now the warrior in me is learning how to be gentle and kind in all the ways of the world, and as she proceeds on her journey to excellence, she knows that all is right in her and goddess Iris' world.
Peace, Love, Joy, and Gr attitude
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Monday, January 13, 2014
Boundaries, Responsibilities, and Freedom
This weekend I went down the road of nostalgia; My lesson this lifetime is to learn how to let go of the past so I can continue to grow, and if I don't do that because I'm comfortable where I am, I will miss out on a lot of the stuff I came here to experience this lifetime. I wanted to feel what it was like when I was drinking and smoking cigs, and not giving one shit about life... irresponsibility at it's finest. I don't know why I wanted to experience that again... It's something that I crave, and the next morning when I woke up and I got a call from my mom telling me how horrible of a person I am I realized that all irresponsibility brought on was unhealthy relationships, BUT because of that last phone call I got from my mother I set an important boundary for my life, and I decided that it's not worth the risk to talk to her anymore. I love my mother very much, and if any of you know me, our relationship has pretty much been the same since i was a teenager... and it's funny because she expects me to do all the changing, and it's funny because I have actually done A LOT of the changing, yet she is still stuck in the same emotional body she has been stuck in for a long time. SO this is me saying, I love you, but I need my space from you, goodbye. And that's that.
Boundaries, they're my friends now. I didn't realize how important it was to set boundaries until recently having a little human. There is a lot of energy out there, and this tiny being is super sensitive, and her chakras are just now developing, and anything that feels uncomfortable will cause imbalance, so I am working my hardest to balance my root chakra right now (that's the chakra she is developing right now) so Iris can have a balanced root chakra; thus I need to set boundaries in order to protect my child from ill energy. I thought boundaries were some sort of restriction on life, something that said "no, you can't do this because I said so" and maybe that comes from how I grew up, and I always wanted to defy what my mom told me because I just didn't give a shit about what rules she was setting, and then again maybe it was because she really didn't know how to set boundaries either. Mother Earth is the creator of boundaries, I learned this past week. Boundaries are created to protect us from the energies that we do not need to be around. This type of energy is allowed in my home, and this type of energy is not allowed in my home... boundaries. I'm okay with boundaries now. I am going to set boundaries for myself at school, I start back up on Thursday.
School is filled with youngens who just got out of high school and are trying to make it in a big world; they were probably taught that competition was a reality (God Bless them), and they probably have a lot of insecurities, just like I did. Last semester I played out a lot of my insecurities, like all of them basically. These next two semesters that is not my intention to do that.... in fact, I want to feel secure in my creative power. I want to know that my creative power is healing and my touch is good and my massage is always improving. I want to be able to support others in their massage, and I want others to feel like they can be honest with me about my massage. I truly want to intend to portray my best self. I feel my insecurities mostly in my sacral chakra. Sensuality, sexuality, creative power. I am done feeling insecure about my sexuality, sensuality, and my relationships in general. In fact, I am now affirming that I attract only healthy relationships into my life. I deserve healthy relationships, and I will have them.
So, where I started with all of this. I wanted to see what it felt like to be irresponsible with my actions, and when I came home the next day, my circulation was completely wacked; my arms and legs and hands were completely numb, and I was afraid that I was dying. I smoked a HALF of a cig and this happened.... I pulled the Goddess Card, White Tara the next morning (I had actually pulled her three times in the past week, but I wasn't paying attention, I had to learn first hand) and it read "stay away from harsh chemicals and energies you are becoming increasingly sensitive" which is a part of the ascension I am undergoing right now. I realized that regardless of how I wanted to be, I had no choice but to be responsible for all areas of my life. I am probably never going to get drunk again, and that's really hard and sad for me to say because I used to love being drunk as hell with my friends.... I loved being wild, and not giving a shit. I loved the rebellious Olivia, but that Olivia can be no longer. It is my souls mission in life to incorporate a good reputation, and I can't be wild anymore.... i physically can't be wild anymore. I am going to have to find new ways to express my freedom because I know myself and if I don't feel free I don't do the things that I am supposed to do. That's enough for today.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Boundaries, they're my friends now. I didn't realize how important it was to set boundaries until recently having a little human. There is a lot of energy out there, and this tiny being is super sensitive, and her chakras are just now developing, and anything that feels uncomfortable will cause imbalance, so I am working my hardest to balance my root chakra right now (that's the chakra she is developing right now) so Iris can have a balanced root chakra; thus I need to set boundaries in order to protect my child from ill energy. I thought boundaries were some sort of restriction on life, something that said "no, you can't do this because I said so" and maybe that comes from how I grew up, and I always wanted to defy what my mom told me because I just didn't give a shit about what rules she was setting, and then again maybe it was because she really didn't know how to set boundaries either. Mother Earth is the creator of boundaries, I learned this past week. Boundaries are created to protect us from the energies that we do not need to be around. This type of energy is allowed in my home, and this type of energy is not allowed in my home... boundaries. I'm okay with boundaries now. I am going to set boundaries for myself at school, I start back up on Thursday.
School is filled with youngens who just got out of high school and are trying to make it in a big world; they were probably taught that competition was a reality (God Bless them), and they probably have a lot of insecurities, just like I did. Last semester I played out a lot of my insecurities, like all of them basically. These next two semesters that is not my intention to do that.... in fact, I want to feel secure in my creative power. I want to know that my creative power is healing and my touch is good and my massage is always improving. I want to be able to support others in their massage, and I want others to feel like they can be honest with me about my massage. I truly want to intend to portray my best self. I feel my insecurities mostly in my sacral chakra. Sensuality, sexuality, creative power. I am done feeling insecure about my sexuality, sensuality, and my relationships in general. In fact, I am now affirming that I attract only healthy relationships into my life. I deserve healthy relationships, and I will have them.
So, where I started with all of this. I wanted to see what it felt like to be irresponsible with my actions, and when I came home the next day, my circulation was completely wacked; my arms and legs and hands were completely numb, and I was afraid that I was dying. I smoked a HALF of a cig and this happened.... I pulled the Goddess Card, White Tara the next morning (I had actually pulled her three times in the past week, but I wasn't paying attention, I had to learn first hand) and it read "stay away from harsh chemicals and energies you are becoming increasingly sensitive" which is a part of the ascension I am undergoing right now. I realized that regardless of how I wanted to be, I had no choice but to be responsible for all areas of my life. I am probably never going to get drunk again, and that's really hard and sad for me to say because I used to love being drunk as hell with my friends.... I loved being wild, and not giving a shit. I loved the rebellious Olivia, but that Olivia can be no longer. It is my souls mission in life to incorporate a good reputation, and I can't be wild anymore.... i physically can't be wild anymore. I am going to have to find new ways to express my freedom because I know myself and if I don't feel free I don't do the things that I am supposed to do. That's enough for today.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
The possibilities are endless
Below is an email I wrote to a friend in August of 2012 right before I left on my journey to becoming a Goddess. :) I just thought I would share it to encourage people that it is possible to change yourself, the odds are in your favor, the time is now. Light, love, and healing. <3
There are so many things that keep coming to my mind each and every single day. I feel myself getting closer and closer to it all, and I can feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I need this year in chattanooga to fix things with my mom. I know that if I can let go of the past, realizing that it can't be changed, and the only thing I can change is my future with my present thoughts only projecting positivity, I can just be happy every single day. I keep thinking to myself that I was looking for happiness outside of myself for all these years, when all along it was right inside of me. Once I can tap into that happiness, and be stable and at peace with my mind, I can start helping other people. I still have to figure it out a little bit more, but I was just having so many ephanines every single day last week my mind was seriously blown. Like for instance, I was in the car with Shannon (this girl from Humboldt Co. you gotta meet her, she's on our level of thought and wants to help people too) and I was thinking about something that Mikey said to me a long time ago, and it was "insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result". That's when it hit me, Mikey has been doing everything that he does right now getting fucked up, fucking girls on the side while he's in a serious relationship (which he is STILL doing... he's trying to get our friend Shannon to fuck him before she goes back to California), and thinking the same way since he was 12 years old. It all hit me at once, Mikey thinks he's insane... but the thing about it is, he KNOWS he can change, but he just doesn't want to change for whatever reasons... and that's when I let go of him. That's the day I realized that he and I have a very deep bond, always have and always will, but he has got some shit to figure out, and he will, because he has all the tools in his head. And when he does figure it out, he's going to do great things with his life. For right now I am probably not going to hang out with him anymore. School is starting, I'm working on staying as focused as possible on my positive thinking, and I have some things to take care of within the next coming weeks.
I started writing about, what I call it, my new found religion. But it's not a religion really, its a way of thinking. I guess it's what the Buddha was attempting to tell people all along? I don't know. Yesterday at work I made myself trip. When you're tripping your whole entire brain is stimulated, which is why people feel as though they are in a state of enlightenment sometimes. I realized that if I slow my thoughts down in my head, and if I focus really hard I can reach that state and be here now. I did it when I was at work. Something happened, and I was just like "wo, acid flashback". I walked over to Mikey and he was like "i heard you were having acid flashbacks" I said "yeah, i'm pretty sure I'm using 100% of my brain right now" and that's when he said "Those aren't even real, I think you're confused". It wasn't even something I thought about before I said it, but I was like "I love you, but your opinion doesn't matter to me anymore really". I walked away and it felt so good. I seriously didn't feel the need for him to be like "what, why? my opinion should matter to you" I just didn't care anymore.
Everybody's life is hard, that's something I've been realizing more and more every single day. I was sitting outside with this girl I've known since high school, and this guy was sitting next to us smoking a cig. He started talking to us and came out with his life story. He was from Arizona and lived on a Native American reservation. I got really excited and asked him how it was; without hesitation he said "pure hell". He said the gang violence, the amounts of suicide in the schools, and the alcoholism made the reservation miserable. He said countless numbers of his friends and family had been killed or killed themselves. He moved away from Arizona to start a new life, so he could be happy. The whole time I was just soaking in his background and realizing that for real though, EVERYONE'S LIFE IS HARD.
The power of my thoughts are ridiculous. I think something Jennilee, and it fucking happens. The number of South Americans who have been coming into Panera is countless. I met this family from Argentina the other day, and they gave me great aspect on where to go and where not to go. I have been thinking a lot about my background, and this black guy I work with name Demtrius, he and I have started talking about a lot of deep shit, and he's on that level to, which really suprised me because he's straitght up hood, but is helping me understand where my Dad came from, because he was like that. He told me that it was a good thing that I still talked to my Dad, because that's my black background, and I need to understand that so I can understand myself. SHIT SERIOUSLY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Then he went on to say that I shouldn't be afraid because if I can surround myself with positive people, everything is going to be alright. WHAT THE FUCK. This is the kid who gave crack to Mikey, and he's speaking such words of wisdom. That experience made me realize that the power of positive thinking and reaching the higher self is seriously in EVERYONE. I'm interested more and more each day about people's backgrounds, because like you said, everybody does come from a different background.
When you asked me if I was in this to make a name for myself, my ego was. The real Olivia, the higher self Olivia, the Olivia who I have always been, but lost track of along the way, was always in this to help others. I've had this knowledge my whole entire life, I've felt it. I just let the outside world distract me, discourage me, and beat me down, and lost sight of it all. Once I get the hang of this all, once I start mastering my mind every single day, once I can start dreaming while awake, then I will begin my journey to helping others. I get lazy sometimes, and I don't want to work on it, but I also know working on this every single day will not only benefit me, it will benefit all of humanity
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
shadow work at its finest
This morning as I was staring at my daughter, holding her little head in my hands, soaking in the unconditional love she was sharing with me, the healing light rushed through my veins, and I cried those big, sobbing tears of unconditional love... like the tears I cried when I was in Santa Rosa with Micheal and God touched me with his light. I found myself through someone else, and it may or may not work out, and it probably won't work out, I mean to say that I probably have no idea how the fuck that would work, and I don't really know if my heart desires that... If my heart truly desires Micheal, and if I do truly desire Micheal then how in the world do I make that work? How do we take back all of the things we said? How do we find ourselves in ourselves? I can't be with him because there are so many trapped emotions in my root chakra, and I just have to keep coming into my Goddess self, my Divine Feminine will allow me to balance, will allow me to thrive. The trick is being completely and 100% honest and raw with myself... and there are so many things that I just really didn't like about Micheal, because there were so many things that I didn't like about myself. All I know is that I want my life to be as simple and stress free as possible and my intuition tells me to not even worry about that... but that still doesn't answer the question, is that what I truly desire? It was what I thought I truly desired... it was my first taste of unconditional love, and that is something that I truly do desire. I have a feeling that Micheal is an ego game, but there is this part of me, this Goddess self of me that say if I am capable of being my Goddess self, I will attract my partner, God self to me. I think of the times where Micheal and I were just completely 100% in love and in the moment, and flowing with the infinite, and sure it was mostly when we were tripping acid, but every once and a while I would get a glimpse of what Micheal really was.... The day I met him I felt like a Goddess; I remember I had my hula hoop in hand and I had just learned a ton of new tricks; the sun was shining, I was discovering my divine feminine, Gaia was vibrating high above herself through me; I couldn't help but want to fall in love that day. I created a child with someone, that is a sacred union. We merged our DNA's, we created the baseline for the lesson our little girl is going to use to breakthrough karma. I don't have to feel guilty for not making a sacred relationship with Micheal; I wasn't even near that. I was still a wounded warrior, healing my wounds from the past. I am now moving into my Goddess self, the Divine Feminine energy that is waiting to pour through me, and all of the other women in the world. I cannot not wait to see what she can manifest. As far as the question goes for Micheal, a real Goddess does not worry about where her Divine Masculine is coming from, she knows that when the time is right he will appear in her presence. Although I honor my ego and respect her feelings, I must not allow her to block me from what I want, and that is a sacred relationship.
On another note,
I have all these weird feelings toward the people I am in massage therapy class with. I feel weird because like people want to connect with me, and I want to connect with others, but I want to connect with other people's God/ess self, not ego self. Therefore I immediately put up walls, and exclude myself from connecting with them. It's interesting because last semester I felt so much anger toward the girls who sat in the back corner and talked shit about me... I want to honor these emotions, because ego asks that I do. I felt angry out of defensiveness because what they were saying about me was not the truth of who I am, and ego's first instinct was to get angry... I have been carrying around this anger for quite some time and it will start to turn into resentment if I don't let it out. I felt a shit load of competitive energy in our class last semester, and because I am a natural at massage, and my soul's journey, and being the wounded warrior that I was, I attracted a lot of backlash/hate toward my being. This backlash/hate that I was feeling toward me in the classroom definitely effected me, confused me, and actually hindered my performance of my gift. It threatened me, it told me I wasn't good enough... I told me that I wasn't good enough. There is this one girl in particular who reminded me of myself in many ways, and also reminded me of the girls in middle school who I thought hated me. I began to look at her has the biggest competition, and I mean I even went so far as to sabotage myself and give a really bad massage just so she could feel worthy.... the anger I felt toward her and her clique was hindering me. All of the drama that goes on in the classroom was forced upon me since day one; Ms. Renee wanted us to feel like family, she wanted us to mesh well... and that just didn't happen. It didn't happen because it didn't need to happen... everyone is on their level, and I am functioning on another level than every single person in that class. I can offer them help in their lives, but I must let go of this anger and function at all times with complete compassion and joy. I must receive from the divine feminine to embody my Goddess self so I can overcome my struggle. These feelings of being left out, hurt, of not ever fitting in with my peers brings confusion; am i merely placed in certain places just so I give compassion and joy where it truly is needed? My ego wants to say "that if I try to act like a saint, the girl in the back of the classroom will say things about me", my ego wants me to worry about what others think of me. My ego is blocking my Goddess self from shining through and coming in, my ego need not protect me from compassion and joy. My ego has her reservations because she has showed kindness before and she has gotten put down for being nice. My ego has her reservations because she feels like she wants to give help to them, but she doesn't want to receive from them because she feels like they have nothing good to give her in the first place. This turns into a downward spiral of feeling guilty, feeling guilty because my ego wants to be able to have her own car, but she has to wait 3 weeks to get it, and she have to find a way to get to school, and rely on someone again. She thought maybe one friend would be able to help, but my ego now feels judged and put on the block because apparently "her parents just aren't having it" and that makes no sense to my ego, and that just proves to my ego that she was right, nobody in the class wants to help her... nobody can help her. And these are the emotions my ego feels, and these are the emotions that flow through my physical being, and even flowed through in words last night. My ego wants to make sense of what and how she feels this way. I must stop resisting, I must surrender and let go. I feel like I come off has a little bit damaged, a little dangerous and rebellious, and people don't like that. People tend to steer clear of the wild child, and let's face it, a lot of me is super wild. I feel guilty for having done bad things in my life... rephrase: i feel like I scare/have scared people away because my energy emanated "danger" and "risk".... but that was never my intention. I have falsely shown myself to the outside world for years, and I want to allow my Goddess self to shine through bright and loud and clear because now is her time to thrive. I am not a heartbreaker, I am not toxic energy... I no longer wear the mask of my wounded warrior, she is healed and she is falling more and more in love with life and herself each day. I ask for help, I ask for the Goddess and Gods that have come before me, as I bow in gratitude, to show me the way, help me release these trapped emotions in my intuition When I feel like I cannot act as my Goddess self, and my ego wants to break through, I create the boundaries needed to allow the Divine Feminine to flow freely.
On another note,
I have all these weird feelings toward the people I am in massage therapy class with. I feel weird because like people want to connect with me, and I want to connect with others, but I want to connect with other people's God/ess self, not ego self. Therefore I immediately put up walls, and exclude myself from connecting with them. It's interesting because last semester I felt so much anger toward the girls who sat in the back corner and talked shit about me... I want to honor these emotions, because ego asks that I do. I felt angry out of defensiveness because what they were saying about me was not the truth of who I am, and ego's first instinct was to get angry... I have been carrying around this anger for quite some time and it will start to turn into resentment if I don't let it out. I felt a shit load of competitive energy in our class last semester, and because I am a natural at massage, and my soul's journey, and being the wounded warrior that I was, I attracted a lot of backlash/hate toward my being. This backlash/hate that I was feeling toward me in the classroom definitely effected me, confused me, and actually hindered my performance of my gift. It threatened me, it told me I wasn't good enough... I told me that I wasn't good enough. There is this one girl in particular who reminded me of myself in many ways, and also reminded me of the girls in middle school who I thought hated me. I began to look at her has the biggest competition, and I mean I even went so far as to sabotage myself and give a really bad massage just so she could feel worthy.... the anger I felt toward her and her clique was hindering me. All of the drama that goes on in the classroom was forced upon me since day one; Ms. Renee wanted us to feel like family, she wanted us to mesh well... and that just didn't happen. It didn't happen because it didn't need to happen... everyone is on their level, and I am functioning on another level than every single person in that class. I can offer them help in their lives, but I must let go of this anger and function at all times with complete compassion and joy. I must receive from the divine feminine to embody my Goddess self so I can overcome my struggle. These feelings of being left out, hurt, of not ever fitting in with my peers brings confusion; am i merely placed in certain places just so I give compassion and joy where it truly is needed? My ego wants to say "that if I try to act like a saint, the girl in the back of the classroom will say things about me", my ego wants me to worry about what others think of me. My ego is blocking my Goddess self from shining through and coming in, my ego need not protect me from compassion and joy. My ego has her reservations because she has showed kindness before and she has gotten put down for being nice. My ego has her reservations because she feels like she wants to give help to them, but she doesn't want to receive from them because she feels like they have nothing good to give her in the first place. This turns into a downward spiral of feeling guilty, feeling guilty because my ego wants to be able to have her own car, but she has to wait 3 weeks to get it, and she have to find a way to get to school, and rely on someone again. She thought maybe one friend would be able to help, but my ego now feels judged and put on the block because apparently "her parents just aren't having it" and that makes no sense to my ego, and that just proves to my ego that she was right, nobody in the class wants to help her... nobody can help her. And these are the emotions my ego feels, and these are the emotions that flow through my physical being, and even flowed through in words last night. My ego wants to make sense of what and how she feels this way. I must stop resisting, I must surrender and let go. I feel like I come off has a little bit damaged, a little dangerous and rebellious, and people don't like that. People tend to steer clear of the wild child, and let's face it, a lot of me is super wild. I feel guilty for having done bad things in my life... rephrase: i feel like I scare/have scared people away because my energy emanated "danger" and "risk".... but that was never my intention. I have falsely shown myself to the outside world for years, and I want to allow my Goddess self to shine through bright and loud and clear because now is her time to thrive. I am not a heartbreaker, I am not toxic energy... I no longer wear the mask of my wounded warrior, she is healed and she is falling more and more in love with life and herself each day. I ask for help, I ask for the Goddess and Gods that have come before me, as I bow in gratitude, to show me the way, help me release these trapped emotions in my intuition When I feel like I cannot act as my Goddess self, and my ego wants to break through, I create the boundaries needed to allow the Divine Feminine to flow freely.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Friday, January 3, 2014
Anger Needs Compassion
So,
I have been feeling a lot of anger lately and I'm just going to let it all out. For some reason I have been allowing other people's judgement of my life effect me, and it's probably because I'm a human but it's okay. Let's get this straight real fast...
I don't give a FUCK what you think about my situation and how I "illegitimately" got knocked up by some homeless person that I met while travelling... it's my story, not yours so you can just back the FUCK up and leave your comments about living an honest life.... I LIVE MORE OF AN HONEST LIFE THAN YOU WILL EVER EVEN KNOW. It makes me laugh how people are oh so quick to judge me when they are probably still lying to themselves about who they are and what they came down here to do. But as I know, anger needs compassion.... so being the good person that I am, I am going to show you compassion. I understand that your life hasn't turned out the way that you want it, and you have no hopes of making it better... and the little stab that you have taken at me about MY life (a life that you are not in fact living might I add) may or may not have made you feel better, or I guess feel some sort of pride... I mean I don't really know what you feel, but it must have made you feel something good in order for you to want to say it. I mean, I'm not going to dwell on what your problem is, I am just going to pray that you find a solution.
Little tiny humans come into this world and no nothing about morals, and ethics, and judgements, and it is our job as elders/parents/lovers to teach them one thing, and that is HOW TO LOVE. Judgement is not a part of life. Iris is going to know exactly what happened between her father and I, and that is not going to stop her from knowing how to love. SHE WILL NEVER FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT BEING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, because she will know by watching me, despite said "adversity", separation is an ILLUSION, it does NOT EXIST, therefore we are all one. I will not allow my daughter to feel separate from everybody else because I got pregnant without being married. "The bible says..." no, no, no.... MAN TAMPERED WITH THE BIBLE BABY, there is no way Jesus judges me and denies me from heaven because I brought a BEAUTIFUL LITTLE HUMAN INTO THE WORLD. I will say this, I may have wanted her for selfish reasons, and to be honest, most people who have children do want them for selfish reasons, but now I am learning how to be totally selfless.
So with all of this said, despite what some may think (and of course I am attracting these feelings to me because I feel them somewhere deep inside) I am going to be a bad ass mother fucking mom, and all that really matters is that Iris is loved and knows how to become her true authentic self. :)
With all that said I let it go, I forgive myself for feeling guilty, I forgive others for their judgments.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
I have been feeling a lot of anger lately and I'm just going to let it all out. For some reason I have been allowing other people's judgement of my life effect me, and it's probably because I'm a human but it's okay. Let's get this straight real fast...
I don't give a FUCK what you think about my situation and how I "illegitimately" got knocked up by some homeless person that I met while travelling... it's my story, not yours so you can just back the FUCK up and leave your comments about living an honest life.... I LIVE MORE OF AN HONEST LIFE THAN YOU WILL EVER EVEN KNOW. It makes me laugh how people are oh so quick to judge me when they are probably still lying to themselves about who they are and what they came down here to do. But as I know, anger needs compassion.... so being the good person that I am, I am going to show you compassion. I understand that your life hasn't turned out the way that you want it, and you have no hopes of making it better... and the little stab that you have taken at me about MY life (a life that you are not in fact living might I add) may or may not have made you feel better, or I guess feel some sort of pride... I mean I don't really know what you feel, but it must have made you feel something good in order for you to want to say it. I mean, I'm not going to dwell on what your problem is, I am just going to pray that you find a solution.
Little tiny humans come into this world and no nothing about morals, and ethics, and judgements, and it is our job as elders/parents/lovers to teach them one thing, and that is HOW TO LOVE. Judgement is not a part of life. Iris is going to know exactly what happened between her father and I, and that is not going to stop her from knowing how to love. SHE WILL NEVER FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT BEING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, because she will know by watching me, despite said "adversity", separation is an ILLUSION, it does NOT EXIST, therefore we are all one. I will not allow my daughter to feel separate from everybody else because I got pregnant without being married. "The bible says..." no, no, no.... MAN TAMPERED WITH THE BIBLE BABY, there is no way Jesus judges me and denies me from heaven because I brought a BEAUTIFUL LITTLE HUMAN INTO THE WORLD. I will say this, I may have wanted her for selfish reasons, and to be honest, most people who have children do want them for selfish reasons, but now I am learning how to be totally selfless.
So with all of this said, despite what some may think (and of course I am attracting these feelings to me because I feel them somewhere deep inside) I am going to be a bad ass mother fucking mom, and all that really matters is that Iris is loved and knows how to become her true authentic self. :)
With all that said I let it go, I forgive myself for feeling guilty, I forgive others for their judgments.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Relationship Ramblings
Sometimes I come to my blog with someone in mind and those trapped emotions ready to flow through my finger tips, other times I come to my blog and I want to tell a story but the words haven't quite formed so I am unable to tell the tale I want to. There is something about my writing that I have to feel in order to fully express my being of the moment... and my best pieces come from a place of passion.
I've expressed many things on my blog about the father of my child, mostly rants and raves of his unfortunate characteristics that hold him back from being a man. I have expressed many things about my friends, one in particular, who effects me in a way a lover would. I have expressed about my feelings towards a man who I was dating for a short period of time, his presence effecting my daily life. All three of these relationships that I have had, had something in common with one another... they all bring out this part of me that is not-so-healthy.
Micheal: The Baby Daddy
Really, probably the first person in this embodiment that I have loved in a romantic, intimate way. It all happened so fast; one day we were just meeting each other in California, the next day I was having his baby... what the fuck just happened here? I can't help but wonder how the stars had to be aligned in order for us two individuals to meet, fall in love, and make one individual. It's like I have the best of him sitting next to me in the embodiment of this little girl, who is precious and adorable and wonderful. But how did Micheal not get this far with me? Alright, so if you have read any of my blogs from the past you can tell by the way I speak of Micheal that he has not made... well he has not made any good choices for his life; in fact I was probably the best choice he ever made. You see Micheal represents (to me) my rebellious side; the girl inside of me that wanted to say "fuck you society, fuck you court system, fuck you everyone" yeah that's what Micheal represents. That's who I was when I met him... (un)fortunately that MO didn't work out too well for me, and I ended up having to change.... I didn't realize that Micheal was STUCK, and has been stuck in a lifestyle for the past 16 years and there probably wasn't any chance of him ever changing... The heart ache I felt when I realized that the man I was in love with and having a baby with was never going to change hurt more than I could imagine heart break hurting... and although it doesn't hurt anymore, I still feel this lingering air of hoping that he will call me and say "hey, I love you, I want to change my lifestyle, I want to find out my purpose/role in society...." but it's too late for that, and besides if he didn't want to change the way he lived for himself, why would he want to change for Iris and I? The truth of the matter is, although he and I rocked each other's world, and shared a feeling of ecstasy for one another, our relationship was based on lies of one another, and the foundation fell apart quickly. Thank you for the beautiful daughter, you're not healthy for me, so I'll be on my way.
Kalika: The Best Friend
I love this girl more than life, I have cried tears of pure unconditional love for her, and if I think hard enough about it I could muster up the tears to do it right now. She enabled a lot of my bad habits at first, until the day we said no more and rebelled against it all.... there is so much karma in this relationship, so much love, so much hate, there is just SO much to who Kalika and I are, who Kalika and I have been, and when she tries to pretend that she doesn't care I don't believe her because I can tell in her heart that her "hate" for me, is her "hate" for herself. We know too much about the other, so much that we can tell what the other is supposed to be focusing on and learning... and instead of supporting the other with compassion and understanding, we (and by we I mean she) find(s) a way to make it as though the said bad habit/action is being done to the other on purpose, thus causing distrust, havoc, and chaos in the relationship. I couldn't tell you how many times in the past two years that I have been best friends with Kalika, then we hang out, then we aren't friends for a while, then we are friends again after much needed space to learn how to express our creative selves in a healthy way.... the unfortunate part of all of this is that when we finish one obstacle, another is shoved in our face, and the cycle repeats itself. How can this be? I just want my best friend and I to get along. I want to relate to her in a way that we can actually enjoy each other's company rather than hate on each other's flaws. Anger needs compassion.
Gabriel: The Fuddy
It started off like Pretty Woman; you know the part where they go to the polo match... yeah that was my life for a second. I had the guy, and we went on the field and we did the duggets, and we looked at the horses, and we kissed in my room when we got home. It was super cute, it was what I needed for the time... that rebound from Micheal was definitely what I needed. Then I started moving things along quickly; I was about to have a baby, I needed to know if he was going to get serious with me... I needed it to be one way or the other, I couldn't do the whole in between. He brought out my anxiety which turned into my jealousy which turned into my over emotional expression of my feelings of rejection. I am beginning to think I created it all in my head with my thoughts.... and I mean, I totally did. I felt like he was a drug, something that I couldn't get enough of... but I knew if I had it all the time I would easily get bored with it. We had a few things in common, but there was a whole lot we didn't have in common. He liked to carry a gun, and I'm definitely not about that life. It ended for the best, and it was a short lived fantasy... Fear of rejection caused me to pick a person who was not compatible for me. I am beginning to believe that I can be accepted for who I am, and the person who I would be most compatible with, most balanced with, will accept me once I accept me.
Why do I talk about these relationships? Because last night I found myself yearning for all three of these people...
Micheal had called, and the rush of hormones sent me into a love spell once more, and I couldn't say anything to him accept "you're not healthy for me".
Kalika stays on my mind, we are very in tune with one another's energy, and there are times when I want to call and tell her how baby Iris and I are doing, and there are times when I cry because I miss her so much. We let our egos get in the way of the reality that we are both two very amazing human beings on our path, creating love and light whereever, however we go. I hope she finds her way back to me, because in my heart I will never leave her side.
Gabriel still crosses my mind.... I told him I could love him, and I probably could have, but I'm happy I didn't try. I wasn't ready to bring much compassion to that relationship, we would have ended up fighting and making one another feel rejected and miserable. I think I just liked the fact that he was super into me... he was calling me and texting me and was chasing ME. He was accepting me, and then I let my jealous/possessive ego come out to play and attempted to make it a reality, and that's when he was rejecting me. I would reject someone like that too... nobody wants a jealous, possessive partner.... FUCK I don't want a jealous, possessive partner. I think he impacted me because he allowed me to see my dark side in the light of it all.
I wanted to shame myself for not being able to go out on new year's eve, not having someone to kiss at midnight, not getting drunk with my friends. I wanted to shame myself for staying at home and going to bed before midnight because I have a new born baby and I'm tired all the time. I wanted to shame myself for not being a sufficient partner to any of these people, I wanted to make it my fault that our relationship has failed/is failing. I didn't do that though. I told myself to stop.
I have come to realize in the years of my life that sometimes what everyone else is doing is NOT what I need to be doing. My birth chart said I have an internal battle between my wants and needs, and this is a prime example. I WANT to be with Micheal, but I need to stop rebelling against the system and go on with my life because that's what I came down here to do. I WANT to be hanging out with Kalika, but I need to grow up (something that she is not necessarily doing right now), not take so many risks with myself, and care for my life. I WANT to hang out with Gabriel, but I need to be focusing on accepting all of myself so the right man will come my way. This battle in these three relationships has to come to an end if I am to ever reach my goal of having a healthy, balanced, intimate, romantic long term relationship with someone.
It's the first day of the year, my 23rd birthday is in 28 days, and I am a mama now. My resolution is to continue on my path of becoming closer to who I truly am each and every day, perform my daily tasks with ease and a heart of gold, and learn how to have a healthy, intimate romantic relationship with a man. I can do all these things because I have a say in who I am, who I am becoming, and who I will be.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
I've expressed many things on my blog about the father of my child, mostly rants and raves of his unfortunate characteristics that hold him back from being a man. I have expressed many things about my friends, one in particular, who effects me in a way a lover would. I have expressed about my feelings towards a man who I was dating for a short period of time, his presence effecting my daily life. All three of these relationships that I have had, had something in common with one another... they all bring out this part of me that is not-so-healthy.
Micheal: The Baby Daddy
Really, probably the first person in this embodiment that I have loved in a romantic, intimate way. It all happened so fast; one day we were just meeting each other in California, the next day I was having his baby... what the fuck just happened here? I can't help but wonder how the stars had to be aligned in order for us two individuals to meet, fall in love, and make one individual. It's like I have the best of him sitting next to me in the embodiment of this little girl, who is precious and adorable and wonderful. But how did Micheal not get this far with me? Alright, so if you have read any of my blogs from the past you can tell by the way I speak of Micheal that he has not made... well he has not made any good choices for his life; in fact I was probably the best choice he ever made. You see Micheal represents (to me) my rebellious side; the girl inside of me that wanted to say "fuck you society, fuck you court system, fuck you everyone" yeah that's what Micheal represents. That's who I was when I met him... (un)fortunately that MO didn't work out too well for me, and I ended up having to change.... I didn't realize that Micheal was STUCK, and has been stuck in a lifestyle for the past 16 years and there probably wasn't any chance of him ever changing... The heart ache I felt when I realized that the man I was in love with and having a baby with was never going to change hurt more than I could imagine heart break hurting... and although it doesn't hurt anymore, I still feel this lingering air of hoping that he will call me and say "hey, I love you, I want to change my lifestyle, I want to find out my purpose/role in society...." but it's too late for that, and besides if he didn't want to change the way he lived for himself, why would he want to change for Iris and I? The truth of the matter is, although he and I rocked each other's world, and shared a feeling of ecstasy for one another, our relationship was based on lies of one another, and the foundation fell apart quickly. Thank you for the beautiful daughter, you're not healthy for me, so I'll be on my way.
Kalika: The Best Friend
I love this girl more than life, I have cried tears of pure unconditional love for her, and if I think hard enough about it I could muster up the tears to do it right now. She enabled a lot of my bad habits at first, until the day we said no more and rebelled against it all.... there is so much karma in this relationship, so much love, so much hate, there is just SO much to who Kalika and I are, who Kalika and I have been, and when she tries to pretend that she doesn't care I don't believe her because I can tell in her heart that her "hate" for me, is her "hate" for herself. We know too much about the other, so much that we can tell what the other is supposed to be focusing on and learning... and instead of supporting the other with compassion and understanding, we (and by we I mean she) find(s) a way to make it as though the said bad habit/action is being done to the other on purpose, thus causing distrust, havoc, and chaos in the relationship. I couldn't tell you how many times in the past two years that I have been best friends with Kalika, then we hang out, then we aren't friends for a while, then we are friends again after much needed space to learn how to express our creative selves in a healthy way.... the unfortunate part of all of this is that when we finish one obstacle, another is shoved in our face, and the cycle repeats itself. How can this be? I just want my best friend and I to get along. I want to relate to her in a way that we can actually enjoy each other's company rather than hate on each other's flaws. Anger needs compassion.
Gabriel: The Fuddy
It started off like Pretty Woman; you know the part where they go to the polo match... yeah that was my life for a second. I had the guy, and we went on the field and we did the duggets, and we looked at the horses, and we kissed in my room when we got home. It was super cute, it was what I needed for the time... that rebound from Micheal was definitely what I needed. Then I started moving things along quickly; I was about to have a baby, I needed to know if he was going to get serious with me... I needed it to be one way or the other, I couldn't do the whole in between. He brought out my anxiety which turned into my jealousy which turned into my over emotional expression of my feelings of rejection. I am beginning to think I created it all in my head with my thoughts.... and I mean, I totally did. I felt like he was a drug, something that I couldn't get enough of... but I knew if I had it all the time I would easily get bored with it. We had a few things in common, but there was a whole lot we didn't have in common. He liked to carry a gun, and I'm definitely not about that life. It ended for the best, and it was a short lived fantasy... Fear of rejection caused me to pick a person who was not compatible for me. I am beginning to believe that I can be accepted for who I am, and the person who I would be most compatible with, most balanced with, will accept me once I accept me.
Why do I talk about these relationships? Because last night I found myself yearning for all three of these people...
Micheal had called, and the rush of hormones sent me into a love spell once more, and I couldn't say anything to him accept "you're not healthy for me".
Kalika stays on my mind, we are very in tune with one another's energy, and there are times when I want to call and tell her how baby Iris and I are doing, and there are times when I cry because I miss her so much. We let our egos get in the way of the reality that we are both two very amazing human beings on our path, creating love and light whereever, however we go. I hope she finds her way back to me, because in my heart I will never leave her side.
Gabriel still crosses my mind.... I told him I could love him, and I probably could have, but I'm happy I didn't try. I wasn't ready to bring much compassion to that relationship, we would have ended up fighting and making one another feel rejected and miserable. I think I just liked the fact that he was super into me... he was calling me and texting me and was chasing ME. He was accepting me, and then I let my jealous/possessive ego come out to play and attempted to make it a reality, and that's when he was rejecting me. I would reject someone like that too... nobody wants a jealous, possessive partner.... FUCK I don't want a jealous, possessive partner. I think he impacted me because he allowed me to see my dark side in the light of it all.
I wanted to shame myself for not being able to go out on new year's eve, not having someone to kiss at midnight, not getting drunk with my friends. I wanted to shame myself for staying at home and going to bed before midnight because I have a new born baby and I'm tired all the time. I wanted to shame myself for not being a sufficient partner to any of these people, I wanted to make it my fault that our relationship has failed/is failing. I didn't do that though. I told myself to stop.
I have come to realize in the years of my life that sometimes what everyone else is doing is NOT what I need to be doing. My birth chart said I have an internal battle between my wants and needs, and this is a prime example. I WANT to be with Micheal, but I need to stop rebelling against the system and go on with my life because that's what I came down here to do. I WANT to be hanging out with Kalika, but I need to grow up (something that she is not necessarily doing right now), not take so many risks with myself, and care for my life. I WANT to hang out with Gabriel, but I need to be focusing on accepting all of myself so the right man will come my way. This battle in these three relationships has to come to an end if I am to ever reach my goal of having a healthy, balanced, intimate, romantic long term relationship with someone.
It's the first day of the year, my 23rd birthday is in 28 days, and I am a mama now. My resolution is to continue on my path of becoming closer to who I truly am each and every day, perform my daily tasks with ease and a heart of gold, and learn how to have a healthy, intimate romantic relationship with a man. I can do all these things because I have a say in who I am, who I am becoming, and who I will be.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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