You guys might already know what I'm talking about. Have you noticed any recent changes in your life lately? Maybe just a way you've been feeling, or even a way you have never felt before? It's the moon.
According to astrologists (and other spiritual astrologists out there in the world) the moon represents the ego. With the recent lunar eclipse of the moon and a new cycle beginning (and not to mention that I'm about to pop a baby out in two months) I have been focusing a lot of my light on the relationships I have with people. There are quite a few parts of me that have different opinions of what I want and need in a friendship and in a life partner.
1. The "I Need" Girl
I have come to the conclusion that I am a human. Yep, that's right folks, no matter how much I would like to believe that I am some spirit floating around exisiting in another time and space, I must be honest with myself. I must recoginze that I am a human being with needs, and when those needs are not met I am lacking nourishment. With the current events of my relationships going on in my life I am realizing that I must say what I need in order to feel nourished. There is a part of me that needs her space from it all; she needs her room to breathe, but more importantly she needs her room to fully express her creative self in the flesh. When it comes to love, I need to be affirmed that I am loved, that I am a good person, that I am doing it right; I need my lover to say those things to me in order for me to feel loved.
2. Nourishing Myself
Although I forgive them all (and I really do), my family absolutely sucked at making me feel nourished and loved; maybe when I was a baby I felt it and that's why I can feel it now, but I know that when I became a teenager, I REALLY needed to be told that my creative energy was positive, I REALLY needed to be told that I was loved a whole lot more than I was; i felt neglected. Because of that I started talking to myself in that way, saying that I was a horrible person who didn't deserve love and blah blah blah. Luckily that's changed, but I'm realizing how much of this talk has effected my emotional body... I'm realizing that I really need to listen to my body because she straight up knows what I need, and when I listen she tells me.
I'm determined to make healthy, long lasting relationships in my life, and I want to be able to do so with a man who I will call my husband one day. I want to find out what I need in order to develop long-lasting love in my life; I want to make the space for it. The time is already set. I am working towards it. I'm learning more and more each day.
Until Next Time
-Olivia
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Becoming the Now
I don't think I can even count the amount of times a day that I leave the now moment... It's funny because my body is automatically in the now; always where it needs to be, but it's my mind that wants to wander far out into the abyss and dwell on the past or fear the unknown future. I drive myself crazy. I have been meditating and doing yoga consistently for about a year now, and I have to remind myself everyday "it has taken you 22 years to become this way, and it will take you time to no longer be this way... change is a process, it takes time". I'm not nessecarily frustrated with the circumstances that I am in, because honestly my "now" moment is me sitting in the computer lab at school writing this blog, it's the past events of this weekend that want to sneak up on me and ask "how did that happen" or the expected arrival of my child that wants to make me fearful of the future.
I recoginze, and am continuing to recgoinze how important it is to mindfully tell myself "be here now, Olivia". Our mind has the ability to look at the past and future for a reason, and I can't tell you that reason, but it definitely becomes a problem when one completely forgets about what's happening in the now. A lot of where my anxiety comes from is pondering about the future and how it's all going to happen, not trusting the unknown circumstances of how life may or may not unfold, and remembering the awfulness that has happened in my life due to my lack of poor decision making. I must say, I'm getting better, and I have been getting better, but I want to become the NOW. I want to be able to just fully embrace the now moment in all times and space, not precieving my past actions as bad, and not wondering about the future that has yet to come. Only time will tell how my past has created my future, and only the now will create a good future for me.
There is more that I want to right about the Now moment, and I will come back to this as soon as possible.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
I recoginze, and am continuing to recgoinze how important it is to mindfully tell myself "be here now, Olivia". Our mind has the ability to look at the past and future for a reason, and I can't tell you that reason, but it definitely becomes a problem when one completely forgets about what's happening in the now. A lot of where my anxiety comes from is pondering about the future and how it's all going to happen, not trusting the unknown circumstances of how life may or may not unfold, and remembering the awfulness that has happened in my life due to my lack of poor decision making. I must say, I'm getting better, and I have been getting better, but I want to become the NOW. I want to be able to just fully embrace the now moment in all times and space, not precieving my past actions as bad, and not wondering about the future that has yet to come. Only time will tell how my past has created my future, and only the now will create a good future for me.
There is more that I want to right about the Now moment, and I will come back to this as soon as possible.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
just so you know
You may be sitting around watching Breaking Bad, or maybe you're just now getting home from a long day of college classes and are ready to smoke a bowl with your friends... I'm sure I've crossed your mind at least once today, so let me update you on what's going on in the Life of Liv. :)
1. I took pictures of my baby bump this morning.
Yesterday, I switched doctors and now my mom's doctor is going to be delivering my baby. Of course my mom told me to see her in the first place, but it was not until my yoga teacher told me to see Dr. Angevine that I decided to make the switch. 10 weeks and 5 days until my baby girl is going to be here, and man oh man that journey is going to rock my world for the rest of my life. I still can't believe that she's even made it this far....
2. I gave Kalika a massage today.
I must admit, I've been in school for a month and a half and I'm finally starting to get the hang of things. I recognize my room for improvement in the massage I give, and although I feel that little amount of fear because I'm not too sure if I'll have a well enough paying job when I get out of school to take care of Iris and I, but I know that's just the fear of the unknown. Kalika made me realize that I have to think with my hands, not with my intuition. My intuition is there already, now I have to let my hands tell me what to do, which is why I'm going to school. Although the learning environment can be strenuous sometimes because of there are 19 other people learning with me, and they all have their own journeys, and I want to keep my eyes focused and centered on my journey, I am enjoying it a lot. I am going to make it my goal to focus my eyes on myself, and to focus my hands on the body that I'm touching. I want to be good at this. I want to be really good at this.
3. Fly Free Fest is on Friday!!
I am very excited to be in the festival environment again, it's been since June and the time has come! It's going to be a great time, and my two friends are coming with me and i'm just all around excited. :)
Life looks good, life is good, and I can't wait until I'm a point in my life where I am financially stable enough to be paying all of my bills (house, phone, electric, water, car insurance, gas, iris fund, student loans, and debts) AND am able to keep up with the CEU's I want to do for massage AND have enough money to maintain all of the things I have. I'm going to get there. I want to get there. I will get there.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
confessions of my inauthentic self
I went to bed with the feeling of anger and rejection lingering over me.
Why is it that I am always put in situations where I am either going to have to reject someone or someone is going to have to reject me? I know that I need to be true to myself, I need to really understand what I need to thrive emotionally, phsyically, mentally, and spiritually, and I am in need of a life partner who can understand this, but this trial and error process of me finding someone who can last a lifetime is becoming a truly life long lesson.
I have this book called spiritual astrology, and ever since I've gotten it I have been able to align my life more and more each day to God's will and what the One wants me to do in order to fully manifest it's undying, unconditional love in the earth plane. The lessons that my soul has come down here to learn pertain to jealousy, possessiveness, detachment, love without attachment, and objectivity. This seems to make sense because I have felt this horrible feeling of clinging on to people, situations, things and feeling jealous when I was ignored and being extra possessive over my friends. I have felt this need to be detached to situations, but it has been an ABSOLUTE struggle for me to do so because I am so afraid of losing my friends. I see how my egoic fears in this lifetime pertain to what my soul has come to let go of, and I am MORE than willing to let go of them, in fact I am taking the nessecary steps in my life TO let go of them.
I'm tired of feeling overly attached to situations, because frankly it causes distractions to the purpose of my life, it causes havoc and chaos in my emotional body, and it makes me feel horrible on the inside. For instance, I'm in this situation right now where I am "dating" this guy. We just started hanging out and at first I was not attached to him at all, but of course the deeper I have gone into this "relationship", the more and more my demons have come out and the more and more he is seeing my jealous, over-attached, inauthentic self manifest in the flesh... and I am just done. I'm done feeling this heavy burden of emotional weight thinking "is he going to talk to me today, am I going to see him, I have to find a way to see him...." it's horrible. I feel fucking horrible when I allow those emotions to start flaring up. It's like I have rhemtoid arthirits in my emotions, and when jolts are triggered it's as though it's the que for my inauthentic self to just manifest fully. I have to stop this. I have to let this go. I have to learn how to love without attachement. I have to let go of the jealousy and possessiveness I feel, thinking that the person only loves me for what I can give them... what if they just love me because I'm me? Isn't that a possibility?
I read two articles this morning about surrender, and I am so ready to do just that. I'm done playing these games in my mind; I'm done feeding the monster of jealousy, possessiveness, and attachement. I have a daughter to think about... and that's the thing, if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone I have to make sure that I can show my daughter how to have a healthy relationship first and foremost, and I have to make sure that person is going to know and be willing to have a relationship with little Iris, because we're a package deal now... and if you're not down with that, on to the next because I'm doing this thing right, and that's that.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Why is it that I am always put in situations where I am either going to have to reject someone or someone is going to have to reject me? I know that I need to be true to myself, I need to really understand what I need to thrive emotionally, phsyically, mentally, and spiritually, and I am in need of a life partner who can understand this, but this trial and error process of me finding someone who can last a lifetime is becoming a truly life long lesson.
I have this book called spiritual astrology, and ever since I've gotten it I have been able to align my life more and more each day to God's will and what the One wants me to do in order to fully manifest it's undying, unconditional love in the earth plane. The lessons that my soul has come down here to learn pertain to jealousy, possessiveness, detachment, love without attachment, and objectivity. This seems to make sense because I have felt this horrible feeling of clinging on to people, situations, things and feeling jealous when I was ignored and being extra possessive over my friends. I have felt this need to be detached to situations, but it has been an ABSOLUTE struggle for me to do so because I am so afraid of losing my friends. I see how my egoic fears in this lifetime pertain to what my soul has come to let go of, and I am MORE than willing to let go of them, in fact I am taking the nessecary steps in my life TO let go of them.
I'm tired of feeling overly attached to situations, because frankly it causes distractions to the purpose of my life, it causes havoc and chaos in my emotional body, and it makes me feel horrible on the inside. For instance, I'm in this situation right now where I am "dating" this guy. We just started hanging out and at first I was not attached to him at all, but of course the deeper I have gone into this "relationship", the more and more my demons have come out and the more and more he is seeing my jealous, over-attached, inauthentic self manifest in the flesh... and I am just done. I'm done feeling this heavy burden of emotional weight thinking "is he going to talk to me today, am I going to see him, I have to find a way to see him...." it's horrible. I feel fucking horrible when I allow those emotions to start flaring up. It's like I have rhemtoid arthirits in my emotions, and when jolts are triggered it's as though it's the que for my inauthentic self to just manifest fully. I have to stop this. I have to let this go. I have to learn how to love without attachement. I have to let go of the jealousy and possessiveness I feel, thinking that the person only loves me for what I can give them... what if they just love me because I'm me? Isn't that a possibility?
I read two articles this morning about surrender, and I am so ready to do just that. I'm done playing these games in my mind; I'm done feeding the monster of jealousy, possessiveness, and attachement. I have a daughter to think about... and that's the thing, if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone I have to make sure that I can show my daughter how to have a healthy relationship first and foremost, and I have to make sure that person is going to know and be willing to have a relationship with little Iris, because we're a package deal now... and if you're not down with that, on to the next because I'm doing this thing right, and that's that.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
I might be crazy
Yep, that's right... me, Olivia Madlock, might be crazy. So to further this, let me fist post the google definition of what crazy means.
crazy: mentally deranged, esp. as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. OR extremely enthusiastic.
I think people would probably consider me mentally deranged if they heard about the dreams that I had, found out that I believed in ancient aliens, other worlds, and actually attempted to make heaven a reality on earth. I get so fucking pissed off when I realize that the institution I'm living in completely looks down upon anybody knowing anything about the truth... I need to stop because this rant isn't going to make much sense.
So here is where I'm at. I have been exploring the 4th demension, which is the magical world. In this magical world is where the fight between good and evil begins, and you can reach this magical world through astral projection, which I have experienenced. I recently learned about the 5th demension, which is the miraculous world, the first level of Heaven. In this world there is nothing but good things.... I got my way to the magical world through prayer, letting go of 3rd demensional ideas that would have held me back, and believing that it was real.... and talking about it with my friends, who in fact may be crazy too because they believe what I believe too. Anyway, so we all recently found out about the 5th demension, after existing in the 4th demension for sometime, and we have decided to take the voyage into the unknown to get where we need to be in order to experience Heaven on earth i.e. the miraculous world.
Of course, when jumping demensions, you face many challenges. The first always being the fear of the unknown; you litterally just have to believe that this place exisits, you have to know that by saying you're going to the 5th demension you'll get there, and you have to just have faith. Once you get past your fear of the unknown, there then begins the transformation of the self you thought you were into the self you are actaully supposed to be; your true authentic self, your self that was made in God's image. This self of yours is your soul, and is dying to manifest outwardly in the 3rd demension, but is waiting for your mind, heart, and action to be aligned so it can create through you. You see the mind and heart and intuition have been tainted over the millieniums of human existence, and many things have been created that are not the REAL nor do they speak of any real.... and this is where I want to scream.
Why in the world did we have to make it so hard for us to just be our true authentic selves? Why do we have to struggle so much to just be who we were supposed to be in the first place? I was born into this world and since the BEGINNING I was told that I needed to be this, and this, and this, and this and this, and I feel like nobody gave me the fucking room to find out who I was REALLY supposed to be this lifetime. I get overwhelmed with feelings of vulnerabilitiy, which isn't a bad thing, but the anxiety that comes with it is what makes me crazy. I know that I can't look outside of myself to know who I really am, but when I feel so anxious and covered in horrible feelings I NEED to look outside of myself to figure out what the fuck I'm actually trying to tell myself on the inside. Turmoil just boils over because I am trying so damn hard not to step on people's toes, not to run from myself anymore, and all I want to do is feel peace.
Scene change: Here is why I'm crazy. I may or may not have gotten pregnant by a schizophrenic homeless person who lives in another world and thinks that he has some sort of control over me.... (it is totally okay to laugh at this, because I'm laughing too). When it comes to accepting love I am absolutely terrified and that's when I start feeling this anxiety, and then the person that I am dating has to deal with my flightiness of "maybe we shouldn't do this" because I'm too damn afraid to see where it may or may not go... My belief in other worlds makes me see things, makes me see other light beings. I can see other people's higher selves if they are shining, I see flashes of black when bad energy is around, I see flashes of white when good energy is around. My inutition is VERY sensitive, and controls my emotional responses to things. I used to be addicted to drama when I was a kid, I watched way too much Laguna Beach. I don't think the person that I behave as now is actually who I am, I think that my true authentic self is just itching to come out but I have to break down my ego so she can actually be set free. I know that the person I truly am is a beautiful, divine expression of life... and I'm not hating on my ego, she's doing the best she can do with what she knows, but the truth is she doesn't know enough to make it through this world like soul knows. Soul has done this many times before, soul has gained a ton of wisdom from the many journeys she has been on.... so I'm done trying to be this ego person. I surrender to the soul exisiting within me, I surrender to the light within me. I no longer fight my true authentic self, I just allow her to shine. I'm tired of feeling anxious, I'm tired of feeling disconnected from source, I just want to be the light and love so I can share my light and love.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
crazy: mentally deranged, esp. as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. OR extremely enthusiastic.
I think people would probably consider me mentally deranged if they heard about the dreams that I had, found out that I believed in ancient aliens, other worlds, and actually attempted to make heaven a reality on earth. I get so fucking pissed off when I realize that the institution I'm living in completely looks down upon anybody knowing anything about the truth... I need to stop because this rant isn't going to make much sense.
So here is where I'm at. I have been exploring the 4th demension, which is the magical world. In this magical world is where the fight between good and evil begins, and you can reach this magical world through astral projection, which I have experienenced. I recently learned about the 5th demension, which is the miraculous world, the first level of Heaven. In this world there is nothing but good things.... I got my way to the magical world through prayer, letting go of 3rd demensional ideas that would have held me back, and believing that it was real.... and talking about it with my friends, who in fact may be crazy too because they believe what I believe too. Anyway, so we all recently found out about the 5th demension, after existing in the 4th demension for sometime, and we have decided to take the voyage into the unknown to get where we need to be in order to experience Heaven on earth i.e. the miraculous world.
Of course, when jumping demensions, you face many challenges. The first always being the fear of the unknown; you litterally just have to believe that this place exisits, you have to know that by saying you're going to the 5th demension you'll get there, and you have to just have faith. Once you get past your fear of the unknown, there then begins the transformation of the self you thought you were into the self you are actaully supposed to be; your true authentic self, your self that was made in God's image. This self of yours is your soul, and is dying to manifest outwardly in the 3rd demension, but is waiting for your mind, heart, and action to be aligned so it can create through you. You see the mind and heart and intuition have been tainted over the millieniums of human existence, and many things have been created that are not the REAL nor do they speak of any real.... and this is where I want to scream.
Why in the world did we have to make it so hard for us to just be our true authentic selves? Why do we have to struggle so much to just be who we were supposed to be in the first place? I was born into this world and since the BEGINNING I was told that I needed to be this, and this, and this, and this and this, and I feel like nobody gave me the fucking room to find out who I was REALLY supposed to be this lifetime. I get overwhelmed with feelings of vulnerabilitiy, which isn't a bad thing, but the anxiety that comes with it is what makes me crazy. I know that I can't look outside of myself to know who I really am, but when I feel so anxious and covered in horrible feelings I NEED to look outside of myself to figure out what the fuck I'm actually trying to tell myself on the inside. Turmoil just boils over because I am trying so damn hard not to step on people's toes, not to run from myself anymore, and all I want to do is feel peace.
Scene change: Here is why I'm crazy. I may or may not have gotten pregnant by a schizophrenic homeless person who lives in another world and thinks that he has some sort of control over me.... (it is totally okay to laugh at this, because I'm laughing too). When it comes to accepting love I am absolutely terrified and that's when I start feeling this anxiety, and then the person that I am dating has to deal with my flightiness of "maybe we shouldn't do this" because I'm too damn afraid to see where it may or may not go... My belief in other worlds makes me see things, makes me see other light beings. I can see other people's higher selves if they are shining, I see flashes of black when bad energy is around, I see flashes of white when good energy is around. My inutition is VERY sensitive, and controls my emotional responses to things. I used to be addicted to drama when I was a kid, I watched way too much Laguna Beach. I don't think the person that I behave as now is actually who I am, I think that my true authentic self is just itching to come out but I have to break down my ego so she can actually be set free. I know that the person I truly am is a beautiful, divine expression of life... and I'm not hating on my ego, she's doing the best she can do with what she knows, but the truth is she doesn't know enough to make it through this world like soul knows. Soul has done this many times before, soul has gained a ton of wisdom from the many journeys she has been on.... so I'm done trying to be this ego person. I surrender to the soul exisiting within me, I surrender to the light within me. I no longer fight my true authentic self, I just allow her to shine. I'm tired of feeling anxious, I'm tired of feeling disconnected from source, I just want to be the light and love so I can share my light and love.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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