Tuesday, July 30, 2013


Infinity. I am not too sure any of us here on this plane can comprehend what it is to be infinite.... It goes on forever and ever... and ever and ever. The infinite life exists this I am sure of, and because it is infinite it has no fears, it has no flaws, it is nothing but unconditional love. It fills me up every single day, and it shows me what needs to be dealt with.

When I was working at Abuelo's I learned a lot about my intuition (solar plexus), the revolving door that tells me how to behave in certain situations. Clarity. The revolving door was moving so fast, I am not too sure I grasped the lessons that was needed for me to learn. I must have done something right though, because getting fired was a gift. The dreams that I have about Abuelo's, and have been having for the past two weeks mostly consist of me still working there, but not really working there. Last night I was serving the food for the other servers, but I wasn't in uniform, and my housemate and his daughter were there. My housemate was holding a baby boy (which might be nugget, because Matt Horton did say it was a boy) and I served them the food... and he pointed out that I had the wrong shirt on, and I could feel that I had jeans on. I took the wrong food back, because that happened a lot there, and served them their correct food. When I walked back Marilyn and I were eating the mass amounts of food that had been sent back, because shit it was good food.

The dream changed, I was surrounded by white silk curtains and in front of me was a classical orchestra. I was wrapping myself in and out of the silk, and I felt like I shouldn't be doing that because I was pulling too hard, but I couldn't stop doing it because it felt sooo good to fully express my being in this way. I felt like a Caterpillar in a silk cocoon beginning to spread my wings as a butterfly. The music that was playing was so beautiful, and then my phone rang in real life and I woke up.

Whatever this transformation is that I'm going through, becoming my true authentic self, letting go of the judgments others place on me (and themselves), and just fully aligning with the light within myself is doing something huge to me.  I wake up feeling confused, but I know that I'm going in the right direction, so it's all going to be okay. The answers will be clear soon. I just want to make sure that I'm doing my job in the waking state as so to keep peace and harmony with the One life who wants to guide and protect me every step of the way. I am opening up in sweet surrender to the luminous love light of the One. The intuition is our driving force, our ego, our personality, our actions, our consciousness manifested in the flesh. I want to make sure my intuition is fully aligned in direct action with my soul, my destiny, and my true beliefs. I want to act as my true authentic self, I want to be known for my true authentic self.

Until Next Time,


Monday, July 29, 2013


Sometimes, just to be nostolgic, I remember what it feels like to be sad... and I get to the point where I would want to ball my eyes out, and feel absolutely hopeless and without direction, I smile. I smile because the saddness isn't even real anymore, and I can't convince myself that it's real. Within a year I completely transformed my life, with the help of many great healers and guides along the way. I found true authentic self, I have tapped into Christ Consciousness, I have gone home to heaven where my soul resides waiting for me to come back with lessons learned in order to advance further into the infinite life of the universe.

So this saddness card that I play, it's just a reminder for me... something that shows me that I did indeed struggle, I felt that guilt, I felt that anger, I felt that down right "i'm a horrible person" vibe... I used to say it in my head. I could think back to a time when I ate one of my roommates eggs and I cried myself to sleep because he was just screaming at me, and I was just saying in my head "God, Olivia you're such a horrible person, you're such a bitch" even after I offered to buy him a whole another package of eggs... how ridiculous was I to think that I was a horrible person that deserved to be punished because I ate an egg? I can laugh now, and I can forgive and let go.

I can remember how badly I wanted to fit in with the friends that surrounded me last summer, and I remember how uncomfortable I would make myself in order to do that. But I believed that they were the best friends I had ever had, and they were the only friends I was going to have... that fear of loss was eating at me. I remember what it felt like to get that text message from you saying how we were never to speak again, and how I let that hurt me. I remember what it felt like to let you watch me cry when you told me that I was no longer allowed at your apartment, because my self destructive behavior was too out of hand. I remember what it felt like a couple months ago when I got a message from you saying that we were not friends and it was clear that we were never going to be. The funny thing is, the only reason why I would ever reach out to any of you is not because I want to be back as a constant in your life, more so because I know that I wasn't that great of a person, I wasn't my best self, and I accept my faults, and because I did that I have changed, and because I've changed I can come to you with love in my heart regardless of how you feel about me. My tattling mouth may or may not have ruined your relationship, I may have left with your laptop in my hand, I may have stuck my fingers in your spaghetti one morning before work and you caught me... my intentions were always good no matter how bad the action may have seemed at the time, and that's how I know I'm a good person.

The love I have found for myself is not for anybody else, it was for me, Olivia Claire Madlock. I am a human being, and I deserve love just like the rest of you, and I have worked for the love and loyalty that I have earned... and I will continuing working for it. Maybe I owe you an apology, and maybe you owe me one too, for enabling each other's bad behaviors... and for me just being your doormat, allowing you all to talk shit about me behind my back, and then act as if we were best friends at work. I never called you out on your shit because I felt like my shit stank so badly it wouldn't have mattered. The point is this, I wish the best for every single one of you that may or may not have used to been a part of a group we called Team Murder Swag, and hell I LOVE every single one of you and the shit that you have that stinks up the place. Sure I was the butt of the jokes, the one who fucked a lot shit up, but it was never to hurt anyone, and it was never out of hatred... my intentions were always good. This is the first blog that I've written about you all, and I am at peace with everything that has happened.

I was pretending to be someone that I wasn't, and luckily that girl went away and figured out who she really was. I love that girl for doing that, and I love you all for pushing me out of your lives so I could do that. The more and more pregnant I become the more I begin to realize how easy it is to have healthy, honest relationships with people... and how good it feels. I don't take things without asking anymore, I don't take loans without knowing that I can pay them back, and I don't get so drunk on everclear I step on someone's laptop and break them (btw I know you still hate "me", but happy birthday). There are no hard feelings on my side for the unkind words, death threats, and lack of acknowledgement. You all are doing the best you can do, and the great part about it is I'm doing the best I can do too.

So here's to the nights we spent in the lower levels of hell drinking, drugging, listening to Girl Talk, and just being down right ronchy ass motha fuckers with no direction at all. Thank you for helping me grow, thank you for pushing me toward the light even when I didn't want to go. For that I will always love you Team Murder Swag... and there's that.

Until Next Time,


Sunday, July 28, 2013

There is a lot going on

I'm not entierely too sure as to what is really going on, and I can't even really comprehend a fraction of it because it's happening so quickly, that I'm just moving along with the flow hoping that all of the answers will be reveiled soon.

Micheal never showed up. He called me on Wednesday and said he was almost to Nashville and that he should probably be here on Thursday, it's Sunday and I've heard nothing from him. I honestly don't know if I'll hear anything from him at all because three thrings could have happened; he could have gotten arrested again, he could have got hit by a car and died, or he could have just said fuck it I'm not going to Chattanooga becuase she wants to give the baby up for adoption and I have no chance of getting back together with her. I remember when I was standing at the Blue Hole Suck Creek on Thursday, listening to the deepest wisdom inside me when all of the sudden a clear voice came from my heart and said "raising a child is a privilege, not a right" and that is when I realized adoption is the answer, because I would not look at this as a privilege, it would be a struggle. I know that I'm going to give this privilege to a family who deserves it and is ready for it and has worked for it. I thought of Micheal when I heard this voice, because he felt that because he got me pregnant it was a right to raise a child, I knew better though. I keep imagining if he's dead, and how I would find out, and how maybe it was his fortune to die because he could finally be free and back with God, and come back down when he was truly ready to learn the lessons he needed to learn this lifetime but had avoided for so long. I imagined myself crying, and just sending love to his soul, and being thankful that he was able to pass his genes along before he died. I imagined him in jail again, sitting there, thinking about how close he was, yet how far away he had become. I don't love him in that way anymore, and there is no chance of me loving him that way ever again. I'm not that girl that fell in love with him, and it's not that the girl I was had something wrong with her... she was wandering and searching for the correct path she needed to be on. She thought that maybe he would go with her and grow with her, but what she didn't realize is that some things must be done alone.

I had these crazy dreams last night, of girls just shooting each other with guns while I was trying to start my job at the new restaurant. I saw a friendship end maliciously yesterday due to jealousy and obsession. I get jealous, but I am honest enough with myself never to lie to someone about what another did in order to excommunicate them from my friend group... I know that most of my problems come from inside me, and I know that there is a solution to these problems. If we created the problem, then obviously we created the solution. Now we are all on this journey of discovering the answers to the mystery, and infinite intelligence is guiding us if we allow the One into our life. I woke up with a sense of mysteriousness, not necessarily fear but more of just like "I'm tired, and I don't know the answer right now, so I'm just going to not even try". I feel dangerous when I get like this, as though I am losing my seeking mind. I know that's not true, I need to respect that sometimes I need a break because shit get's real... fast.

I'm building trust with others, I'm building a trustworthy foundation within myself. I asked one of my best friends to grow with me, and she said she felt weird because her roommate and I weren't like best friends too... I love everyone unconditionally, but I can also tell when my forceful healing energy can cause others to feel uncomfortable, so I stay clear of them. I don't ask too many questions, and I don't get to know them because I feel like they don't want me to get to know them on that level. She tends to be in a different space than me when I'm around, and I know my job as a person who is Present is to stay Present at all times, and that's just it. I have to take the action at all times to be Present. I am in control of my emotions. I know that I've broken a lot of cycles this weekend, and it may have just been for me, and for nobody else, and I think that's okay too... because what's good for me is good for the whole. However, I still feel like there is a question that I've asked, and I don't remember the question, but the answer is soon to be revealed.

I have to take the action in order to see it done, and I am willing to do that. I have to take right action, and I am willing to do that. I also have to allow myself the time and space to hear the answer. I feel as though a plateau period is coming; I've made it up the hill and I've made it down the hill, and now I'm walking a straight road going exactly where I need to go. There is time for listening, there is time for speaking, there is time for taking action, there is time for reaction. There is a time and place for everything.

There is this girl that I love, and have loved since I met her. She is my best friend, my journey buddy, my soul mate. I could see myself growing with her from now... until forever. I think we may have done this whole life things together before, so that makes it a whole lot easier. I trust her with my whole being. Even when I feel unsafe, I feel safe. Even when I feel frustrated, I feel the love. I know when she needs her space, and she knows when I need mine. We create amazing magical worlds together, we discover the truths of Time and Space together... now the question is if I choose to love her for the rest of my life, will she choose to love me for the rest of my life? I think that neither one of us want to commit to another person until we are solid in ourselves, and I respect that need that I have, and I respect the need that she has. It's been a year, and sure Micheal came along, but I always told him it was never like the connection I had with this wonderful girl. I know you probably have more than one soulmate, but what if there is one just for this lifetime? We'll see.

Until Next Time,


Thursday, July 25, 2013

Love Ooh Ooh

A couple of things I would like to communicate on this fine morning.

1. I woke up feeling like I wanted to grab my AK and go kill three people, grab a sausage biscuit at Mickey D's, and then come home to mow the lawn. Seriously, what the fuck is up with me waking up and instantly feeling guilty for an incident that happened a year or more ago? I'm over this ego trip I go on about how "careless" and "thoughtless" I am. It turns into this feeling that I need to prove myself to the world, I need to redeem myself, because who you really saw a year ago wasn't the REAL, true authentic me... and I sold myself short by not caring about what other thought of me.

2. After restarting my day, finding my center, and do some yoga I came back down to earth and of course forgave myself for the evil thoughts I would never pursue (thank God for the power of choice). Micheal is going to be here today, maybe, if he can get a ride from Nashville to Chattanooga, and let's be honest I'm sort of freaking out. My mom came over yesterday and I learned a lot about the relationship she and my father had... This one time my Dad had gotten home from picking me up from daycare, and my mom wasn't home yet. He wanted to go smoke some crack with the boys so he came up with this master plan. He called my mom while she was at work (at the time she was a paralegal) and told her that he had AIDS and needed to come home. This was when I was a year and a half, and she's sitting at work crying her eyes out thinking I have AIDS, she has AIDS, and what the fuck would happen if she died and who would take care of me.... That's the kind of relationship my parents had. Pretty fucked up, but for some reason it makes me laugh so hard because my dad has the nerve to lie about something SOOOOOO important, something life and death, just so he could go smoke some crack.... like, seriously what the fuck were you thinking?

Which brings me to this. Micheal thinks I'm a liar. He thinks I'm a liar because we had just finished doing the do and were walking to the Whole Foods to grab some more wine, and I was telling him about this guy I had slept with before he and I met, (mind you this was immature, insensitive to other people's feelings Olivia) and he asked "Did you use a condom" of course we didn't because it was spur of the moment and we were drunk, but I said we did... he knew that I was lying, and he was like "you're lying" and I was like... "Yeah I am, we didn't..." This was eight months ago, and to this day he still is calling me a liar. Probably one of the worst fights we had in our relationship was him calling me a liar and then leaving me on the side of the highway to hitchhike home from Florida by myself.

Okay, so the only reason I'm hashing all of this and putting myself on blast is because I can now see the root of the issue... subconsciously we all recreate our parents relationships if we have not let go of the behavior we saw when we were children (if the behavior was bad then we're fucked). I saw some pretty fucked up behavior out of both of my parents, and my intuition has been recreating their relationship... and it's biting me in the ass. If anything I was taught what NOT to do in a relationship, and now I'm learning more and more each day through my healing process how to have a healthy relationship with a man... because that's important to me... I want to find a partner to settle down with and have children with one day. I've come to terms with the fact that Micheal may or may not be that person, regardless the child is still going up for adoption, because I have a lot of transforming to do before I'm to the point of feeling the unconditional-compassionate love of God resonating through my ego, creating truly loving, blissful relationship. It's not a means to an end, more of a journey that needs to be done alone, or with someone who is fully supportive and understanding of my inconsistencies, lack of knowledge on how a loving relationship between a man and woman really works, and my healing process. Preferably someone who has gone through it, and is no longer at the point I'm at, someone who has become the master of their mind, or is working on becoming the master... someone who will push me to be my best self, and not my worst. A man who is full of compassion, understanding, and kindness... someone who can bend and flow with ease.... a healer.

I'm not going to go out and seek this man, because I know once I get there myself, or once I feel as though I'm ready to grow with beautiful divine light,  the universe will provide him for me. The last time I fell into a relationship I was desperate to fill the void of my dad leaving, and I thought all the insecurities could be fixed if I had a healthy sexual partner... not to say I didn't learn a lot, and now I can let go of "power and control" because that's not what love is; love is a give and take... a balance, the highest consciousness one can reach. Where ever that consciousness is, however long it takes me to get there, I'm going there, I'm going that way. And so it is.

Until Next Time,


Wednesday, July 24, 2013


First and foremost I want to give a couple of aplogies. 

1. To anybody that I have pushed, or pulled, to change and they were not ready for it to happen, thus I created havoc change rather than a harmonic change I do apologize; I am learning to master my gift right now, and in due time I will be able to lead people to the change they want to see without forcing them... or they may just come to it on their own... this is the over-confidence issue I have when I want to rush the process for people. I am learning that everyone has their own pace, just as I do... yet I don't tend to ever feel rushed, because I'm always open to the change. I know that whatever somebody else is saying to me my ego (third chakra, solar plexus, which is directly connected to my second intuition, third eye) is already saying, I'm just not listening. 

2. Sorry for being super sparatic on the blogs. You'll get that story... right now! 

My baby daddy is almost here. In fact he'll probably be here tomorrow... after five months of intense emotions, going back and forth, not really knowing what Olivia (me) wants, I finally had a breakthrough yesterday. I saw they way I could change the world, I saw the way that I am going to change the world, and I'm going for it... and that's when I realized that it was a total choice to keep this child, not something that I had to do. Just as it was a choice for me to go to Florida to be with Micheal, just as it was a choice for me to attempt getting pregnant... I know realize that in me getting pregnant I was wanting to fill the void that the pain body created within me, but rather than filling that void I am in the void, and I'm learning so much about myself and the person that I am and why I do the things I do based on the exposure I got when I was a child and throughout my life. I am learning more and more each day about my intuitive powers, and when left unkept, how they can create chaos and havoc in my life. 

You guys have been reading and following on for five months now, and I have finally chosen which crossroads to go down (and i'm beginning to realize that this is one of many more I will face...). When we were in Florida, we met this man who watched me sob all day because my stuff had gotten stolen off the side of the highway, because my dumb ass just thought it would be safe there... Anyway, he let us camp out with him that night, and he good sense my white light, and he performed a ceremony on me with sage. He opened my heart chakra, and I heard the voice of a strict Japanese man, and in his native language he spoke. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but I felt what he was saying, and I could hear the intensity of his voice. It created some sort of protection within me, and for the millionth time in my life I was learning cause and effect, a lesson that I had learned many times before. After that, he brought me back to this reality with the gentle nudge of a weed pipe, and he looked at me and said "you are at your first crossroads". It took me until now to realize what the crossroads truly was, and now I can see. 

A crossroads is not one way is right and one way is wrong, it's the power of choice, and where those choices will take you. I am going to be a motivational speaker, and I am going to travel and speak the truths of the universal power and the One life and encourage and motivate people to heal their life; on top of that I am going to be a massage therapist, writer, small business owner, and whatever else comes my way through these four paths that I am laying out for myself. Finally reaching the breakthrough within myself, and today coming to terms with the self-doubt that I carry on my front side, I asked myself "can you see yourself adding mom to that list" and I said no, not right now. I told him today, "what do you think about adoption" and he said, "we'll talk about it when I get there"... a lot better response than what I thought it would be. 

This led me to a point where I was hanging out with my mom today and she began talking about all the things she wants to do for my brother (hence the apology for pushing people to change when they are not ready :p), and to make a sort-of long story short, I began to recognize guilt and how that guilt can create two things: First, I think guilt can be good, but in moderation. For instance, guilt is a sign of remorse, and can show that the other person actually has a sense of understanding for how their actions may have portrayed lack of compassion for their feelings. Second, guilt can be a horrible thing if you feel bad for something that happened so many years ago, and if you are holding on to a guilty conscious then you are going to create guilt along with other symptoms of pain wherever you go. I have this on the back of my chest, on the right side, and it's this weight that I'm carrying on, and part of it is this guilt I have for feeling jealous of others. I know that it's wrong to feel jealous, so I feel guilty when I do. But my question right now is how do I NOT feel jealous when someone has something that I want and I don't have it yet? Jealousy can manifest from self doubt, and that self doubt is lack of confidence in my ability to fulfill my destiny, (and let me tell you my destiny is pretty big this lifetime) which is all just fear. Fear seems so fucking real to the ego. It comes up with these excuses, and all they are are just insecurities that I am incapable of growing into the person that is going to fulfill my souls destiny.... but from what I've been reading, all I have to do is want to change, take the necessary steps to change, and then wa-la! I'm there. I'm definitely confident in my ability to change, to overcome my arrogance, jealousy, over-confidence, and abrasiveness... I'm pretty sure my loudness is going to come in hand, and if I let all of those go the loudness will come out in a beautiful way. I can't compare myself to other people, I just have to get in the zone and do it. 

I have to write that book. 
I have to go to massage therapy school. 
I have to start making those healing hoops (btw I order the material today!) and teaching classes 
I have to begin working on speeches to prepare for my motivational speaking 

These are the ways I am going to start expressing my creative talents, mother is going to be for another time and place (God Willing), and I am going to make some family very happy. 

Until Next Time, 


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

these are my confessions

Okay. I'm here. And there is a lot that is about to come out, so before you read this be forewarned that this is going to be probably the most truthful blog I've written. It's going to reveal the true woman behind the mask of this face. The soul that has entered this body combined with the mind that is driving my inutition I have discovered many important details about myself... about the true person living within. The more and more I discover about her the more and more I want to share her. But there is this hesitation, this feeling stopping me, and I can pin point it to the T- it's the hesitation that I won't be accepted into this world... but yet I can now see another side to where this lack of feeling accepted comes from... it's the deep feeling that, dare I say, my ideas are the best... that what I have to say is what can change the world, and anybody who denys this is someone who is not there yet.

Many of you who read know about the chakra system... spirit world, past lives, where we came from before, and how to apply all of this to your daily life. I have this too. I'm thankful that this part of life comes to easily and freely to me, and sometimes as much as I want to teach what I know I become my own worst enemy. I hold myself back, I trip over my feet when I start going to fast to catch up to where I think I should be, I don't allow the flow of life to just... fuck, flow through me. I want to edit it, help LIFE along, but sometimes... sometimes, if I don't listen I just trample over the path that life gave me and I don't even realize what I am doing. My horse nature comes out, and as strong as I am, I forget to use my strength to get me what I really want. Do I really seriously think that it is possible for every person that I work with in the massage therapy feild to be as open and receptive to the healing force of the universe to give me as many chances as I need to get things right? No. Which is why I'm practicing now. I'm becoming what I need to become in order to pursue my career, passion, and gift as an emotional healer of the world. I know that along the way things will pop up, but when they do I will have mastered my gift enough to share it with as many as possible.

At Abuelo's (speaking of which I got fired for crying, but that's a whole another pain body "Olivia" story for antoher day) all they cared about was image. Nobody there understood what was actually going on, but I wasn't making it any better because I was ignoring what criticism they had to say about others.... and when I did hear them it pissed me off because they were so mean about it. "YO UNEED TO FILL THOSE DRINKS UP NOW" but it was just like... are you trying to find a reason to fire me? I can't go on a tanget about the unawareness of my fellow coworkers, and I don't want to boast on mine, but I will congratulate myself for staying aware as much as possible. Finally, when my emotional body decided that was enough, she said "dude, you're ignoring me, and you're going to go on a self destructive path..." so I got fired. It's not the logical reason but part of it was to do with because I didn't fix the problem fast enough for them... but I felt rushed, and I needed to take my time, because sometimes I'm not ready to heal some of the shit inside of me because it can get really FUCKING reasl when you realize that a part of you manipulated another human being into feeling something they had never felt before, and now it's manifesting before your eyes... and if you think you manifested it for the wrong reason it sure as hell isn't going to feel too good. Have you ever felt so bad you wanted to die? Have you ever felt like such a sick, horrible, guilty, nonforgiveable  bag of scum that you literally thought there was no more to do in this life but to just kick the bucket? I have. And I want to know where this feeling is coming from and I want to gently, and lovingly bring this little girl inside of me to the light. I want her to know that she is a precious child of God, and is a miracle. I want her to know that the problems you may precive will one day be off in the far distance, and that there is nothing she could ever do that she couldn't forgive herself for. I want to teach this little baby Olivia ego inside of me how to do things right, and go with the natural flow of life, whether it be good or bad, taking everything in stride, and knowing that whatever she did she did her best to maintain the balance. I want to tell her to relax because everything is going to be okay, and everything was already okay in the first place. I give her the courage to do all the things that she thinks she may not be able to accomplish, and allow her the time and space to do all the things she wants and needs to do in order to grow into her true authentic self. My confessionals can just go on and on, but this inner dialouge feels greatly manifested. The silence is peacful. The balance is bliss. I'm giving the keyboard once last kiss with my fingers... until tomorrow of course!

Next blog: how about sending the white light to everyone you can?!

until next time,


Monday, July 8, 2013

Being Human

A part of being human is making bad decsions, mistakes, or harships for your life, and then surrendering to the almighty power of God/Universal Power/Higher Self to get it fixed. You see, I'm pregnant. I'm 14 weeks pregnant, and I came to the conculsion it was the best decision for me to have an abortion. 1. I didn't want to be nine months pregnant at the end of massage school because that sounds fucking uncomfortable, 2. I didn't want to be connected to the father for the rest of my life, and with the information that I recieved a couple days ago, he didn't want to be connected to me either... 3. I wanted to find the easiest way to establish my freedom again. So for the past two weeks my ego has been fighting with my higher self, creating angst, anxiety, and just downright hormonal outburts of crying trying as hard as it possibly could to convince itself that having an abortion was the best decision. My higher self didn't listen to ego, because something that my ego was unaware of was happening... not only was my mom praying for me to just give the baby up for adoption, so was my best friend, her mom, and my brother... After finding out that an abortion at this stage would be almost 800$, I cried, and I surrendered my creative power. I called everyone I needed to call, and I am now under the process of giving the baby up for adoption.

I know that everyone has an opinion on what I'm doing, and how I'm going about it, but you guys must know that I am doing the best I can fucking do with what I got. I'm not going to sit here and blame my past for my present state, and I'm not going to fear my future because of the state that I'm in. Everything changes, all the time... ALL OF THE TIME. I am afraid because a baby is a permanant mark on the world, the most permanant you can get, and if I were to keep this child I would come second. I would have to think about that kid first and foremost... and that sounds like a struggle that I am not REMOTELY prepared for... because being a mom is something you have to be ready for. I am ready, however to be human and to be grounded in this world. I'm ready to actually fufill my dreams of travelling, living in another country, and paying off my debts. I know that there is a man and woman out there who is more than ready to have a child, and if I can't give the baby the best life that it deserves, I know someone will.

I'm impulsive, I see all angles, and I too quickly take into account the hardships I might handle, and because I am strong and courageous I say "it doesn't matter which way I go, I know that I'm going to be okay". But this time it really DID matter which way I went... if I had an abortion I may or may not have regretted killing a life at such a late stage, but I told myself that it would be okay... I was too afraid to explore what this might actually do to me, because everyone is different, and I can't nessecarily listen to what someone else thinks I should do. If I had decided to keep this baby, I know that I would love and adore it, but yet again I was too afraid to explore how I would feel when my friends were taking road trips to Colorado or hiking the Appilachian Trail or  backpacking through Europe and I was at home taking care of a kid all by myself because the father never came around. I would actually say, I did explore that... and I saw for a second how it would have felt; I thought about how my child would have felt... growing up without a father has dug some deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep scars within my emotional body, that I am STILL healing, and there was no way I was going to pass along that karma to the innocent soul within me. I imagined it growing up and asking me "why didn't I have a dad" and my heart would just break over and over, because I would have to say "your mom fell in love with a man who didn't love her back, who was incapable of loving her back, and as much as he said he wanted you, he didn't want you... he didn't know what he wanted" and that would hurt.

Accepting pain as a reality is a tough one for me, because I want to stay in the clouds, and all of my pain comes from my bottom three chakras. But I know that somewhere, somehow, something inside me that is grounded to this world feels pleasure. I know that my emotional body is capable of feeling peace, harmony, joy, content, love, and pleasure, and I just have to find it. I have to go through the pain to get through the pleasure. It gets hard, it gets overwhelming, and I get scared. I think that I won't survive, or that I'll get fired for being too emotional at work, so I just push through, and I just keep that smile on my face and I trust that it's going be okay. I want to find that love, that true love that exists within me, and outside of me. I had a dream the other night, and I was seeing beautiful trees, and blue skies, and a voice was showing me mother earth and it said "you already know true love" and in that moment in my dream I felt the most pure uncondtional love I have ever felt... and I want that to last. I say that I want to do all these things, and I have my bucket list written out (which is like the millionth one I've written) and I feel guilty for not following through on a lot of the goals that I have set for myself, but I think that I didn't think I could do it. Now that I know that ANYTHING can happen, and I can choose to be open to the unconditional love that is all around me, and I can actually make a plan, make a goal, and work towards it, I know that this bucket list will come though.

The new journey has been laid out for me, and the man that I thought I loved and could love forever is no longer a part of the plan. My mourning period will not last long, soon I will be organized in ways that I have never thought of, and I'll be on top of my game. I am slowly but surely paying off all of my debts, getting to the point where I am going to start eating and nourishing my body in a very healthy way, and cutting through the bullshit to see what's actually out there. Life is not just a walk in the park, there are decisions to be made and action to be taken. It is up to me to make my life what I want. The fetus inside of me will live, and the life that it will have with the beautiful family that is going to raise it will be great.

No guilt.
God forgives.
God knows shit gets rough.
God does not blame me for anything.
God is unconditional love.
I am forgiven.

Until Next Time,