There are so many parts to me that boggle my mind; the way I change myself when I am around others, still exists. I become someone that I am not. My true self is pure love, for myself and for all around me. She never leaves me, her grace guides me through the drakness of my fearful emotions. She trusts herself fully and forever, and never once doubts the thoughts that come into her mind, whether good of bad. Her duality becomes one and she is now the center of all that is. But when around certain people she hides. I don`t know whether it is my empathetic nature to pick up on other people's feelings, I don`t know if I do it because of a learned behavior. For whatever reason my higher self becomes afarid of her power when it comes to sharing with others. Its because that powerful loving girl doesnt want to feel vulnerable to others' love for her. My concious self is her body guard, protecting her insecurities through anger, jealousy, doubt, and all fear-based, egotistical feelings. Why is it nessecary? Why in the world do i want to protect myself from MYSELF!!!????? Is this the duality that we as a humanity have been fighting for years? All the wars on money, land, oil, other people etc all came down to this; realizing he battle is within. The social interaction is one of the most interesting wonders to the world. The last three weeks I spent alone, and during that time I delved deep into myself. I swam in my pool of emotions, I healed myself as much as I could, and when the time was right, I came back. I came back to a place where I had made my second family. It`s funny how things work out that way, and you don`t even notice it. You ask for things, they come to you wihout even realizing it. However, if you are fortunate enough in this lifetime to recieve the knowledge of love-(the truth of all beings), your mind will drastically change. Life becomes more and more of a dream everyday, and the only thing that keeps me in this reality is my emotional and physical relationships. I can spend all day by myself thinking, never once coming down from the clouds. However, it is even in that time I am living in the reality of realness; feeling, and the five senses are probably the one thing in my life that allows me to feel who I am, fully and completely. I can feel the senses alone, I do feel the senses alone whether concious of it or not. I judge myself for wanting to do it with someone else, and really enjoy all the pleasures in life. I want to let go of that. I allow my past, still to this day, effect me in so many ways. The scars are real, the pains and fears are still there; "Well I have had my heart broken so many times". I have allowed myself to feel heartbreak for far too long. The falling in love process with another human being, is really a feeling of falling in love with yourself. I am still learning to fully love all of myself, but the one thing I do know, is that I am on the right path
Monday, November 19, 2012
It's been a while faithful bloggettes!! I have left the nest and started travelling again. Its funny how much help you get from others when you just ASK. That is something that I have had to learn throughout this journey; it is okay to ask your fellow humans for help, that is one of the reasons why there are so many of us. After leaving Fresno I took the greyhound bus back up to northern California. Have you ever looked around your society and imagined how small we actually are compared to the size of the universe? How small our emotional problems are? How small our body is?? Travelling does that to me. I look at my surroundings, and imagine everything as if I were in a doll house, or more like a Sims game. The lights glow brightly, but are dimmed at the same time; the wheels on the bus are hard rubber, yet they bend like clay. The people are dense their skin is solid, at the same time it is dull and squishy. Travelling allows me to be the center of the paradox of day and night; my eyes open and I am actually living on earth freely and safely. I am without funds at the moment, and when I first got to arcata I had no place to stay. I had to trust that my boyfriend would provide for me, I had to trust myself more importantly. I am not one to walk into things blindly, however as I continue to learn more about the person that I am through my emotions, I am letting go and going with the flow; I am allowing, actually ALLOWING, myself to enjoy the pleasures of life and not feel guilty. With this attitude, and asking for help, I have received much more than the basic survival needs; I have met people who in return need my help as well. Through this I am discovering my true path this lifetime. I encourage every single one of you to take a look in the mirror and look deeply into your own eyes and see the soul that you may or may not be hiding. The true self you are is in there, fulfill his or her needs and you will be everything you want to be.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Dealing with emotions pays off!! I had a fantastic day drinking with the family. I like to take my Sundays and relax, absorb the week behind me, let go of the skin, and continue forward with goals for the next week. Things to look forward to reading from life with liv this week??
1. A movie review of cloud atlas
2. Interpretation of my Mayan horoscope
3. My goal to dropping pounds during the holiday seasons
4. An appreciation tribute to all social networks
Readers out there- I thank you, you are the reason I write... well and because I love it too.
Until next time,
I’m mad at you for deserting me; for telling me that i have to do this all on my own, for telling me that you were mad at me, and that you had to get it out in your own home. I’m mad at you for making me feel abandoned. I’m mad at you for making me feel weak in my emotions, like i’m not good enough. I’m mad at you for making me feel like i’m not enough; that i did something wrong, and i’m being punished. I have nobody to share my thoughts with now, except me. I have nobody to say “i want to tell you what i did today”
I have nobody to cry to when I feel sad. I only have me now.
I’m mad at me. I’m mad at me for wanting to run away from me, for wanting to blame what I’m feeling on you. I’m mad at me for thinking that we can’t talk anymore. I’m mad at me for thinking that we aren’t friends anymore. I’m mad at me for being so dramatic about all of this. I’m mad at me for feeling alone. I’m mad at me for deserting myself. I’m mad at me for WANTING you to come back. I’m mad at me for telling myself that I’m okay, but in actuality I’m not at all. I am mad at me for stabbing desperately every chance I get to talk to you, even though I know that you’re done with me. I’m mad at me for thinking that I’m not capable of letting go. I’m mad at me for holding on to you, grasping at the bit, to constrain you back in my realm of reality. I am mad at me for making that voice in my head that tells me i’m amazing, that tells me that i am wonderful, and loving and beautiful and free, your voice; when reality I want it to be me.
I want to love and accept ALL of myself just as much as you do. I am very good at convincing myself that I’ve already done that; my ego is strong, she is bullheaded, she pushes through shit, and just says “i do accept myself fully” when in fact she is just saying that out of fear. She knows that she doesn’t. She is still SO afraid that not all of her dreams are going to come true, that her writing isn’t good enough, she is SO afraid of what she is going to show to the world, it’s not going to be good enough. She is SO afraid to focus on the goal, finish, and prosper. She is so afraid of actually succeeding, she actually just brings up old road blocks that she let go in order to hold herself back; and by doing that she is fearing the future once more. She is afraid that what she is doing isn’t enough. She is afraid that she is not enough for herself; she is afraid that her emotions are so heavy that she is not capable of supporting her own emotions. She is afraid to take responsibility for her emotions, understand them, accept them, and let them go. Why? Why is she so fearful? Because she feels like she doesn’t deserve this amazing reality her soul created for herself. She feels like if she let’s go of some HEAVY baggage that ways her down, she’ll change forever, and she doesn’t like change. She is afraid of the success she has created for herself, she is afraid that the success will change her, into an evil person; someone who “forgets” about the little people. She wants to get down to the bottom of it, she wants to be SHOWN how successful she is going to be. SHE wants to actually BELIEVE that she is going to be successful; that she doesn’t have to try and find a place within society; she wants to know that her plan is working; she wants to know that her book is going to be a best seller; she wants to believe herself when she thinks that… is she enough though? She knows though, she knows the secret to life. It all starts with you. She knows that if she 100% BELIEVES something then of course it’s going to come true. She knows that her mom, Mother Earth, is supporting her in all of her causes.
She wants to change her diet. She has a tendency to trick herself into think meat, cheese, and bread is all she needs, when in reality she functions much better on fruit, vegetables, and nuts. She wants to let go of lying to herself just to make herself feel protected.
I accept me. I accept all of me
1. the trusting one; the one that 100% believes in me all of the time; the one that is ALWAYS there even when I’m not conscious of it.
2. the doubter; the one that doubts it’s going to happen, but STILL believes in me
3. the guilty one; the one that feels bad for not doing what other people die, but STILL believes in me
4. the runner; the one that sprints away from emotions, even though she knows they’re going to catch up to her sooner or later, so why not sooner, but STILL believes in me.
5. the angry one; the one that gets so mad when other people doubt her, especially her family, BUT still believes in me
6. the traveler the one on a journey always searching for the next enlightenment, the next lesson, the next fix and ALWAYS believes in m e
7. the fearful one; the one who is SO afraid of what people will think of her, what the spirit world wants to do with her, how she is going to die, BUT still believes in me
8. the emotional one; the one who feels everything, and deep down at the core, wants to be accepted the most, but STILL believes in me
9. the impatient one; the one who wants everything to happen now, who wants to see it now, who wants to be happy ALL OF THE TIME and never feel any other emotion, but STILL believes in me
10. the perfectionist; the one that wants to be perfect ALL of the time; the one that wants to be accepted by all, the one that wants to show the world how amazingly awesome she is. She allows herself to be beaten down quite frequently by her other voices, but overall she STILL believes in me
11. the body; the one who brings pain into my reality quite frequently, grasping my attention and telling me “hey, listen to your emotions” and ALWAYS believes in me
12. the patient one; the one who tells me to calm down, and that i am at the right place at the right time; that i am only 21 and everything is fine, and ALWAYS believes in me.
Let me tell you something girl, I believe in you, I accept you, I am all of you all the time. I love you. I love all of you. You are amazingly wonderful. You are exactly where you need to be in this lifetime, and even though you feel as though too much is going on at once, you have control over your mind. you have control over your emotions. you have control over your body. I choose to take responsibility for my life. MY LIFE. Not her life, MY LIFE. I, right here, right now, am choosing to release all these fearful emotions, and I right here, right now, am choosing to continue forward in my life. Mother Earth supports me, she is my home, my mother, my power, and i love her. I am her. I am me. I love me, I accept my power and good. I am at peace.
I’m in love with you.
I’m in love with me.
It was instant attraction, I wanted to take your clothes off right then and there, and just fuck the shit out of you, and that be that. I couldn’t wrap my head around how that would happen, or if that was even possible. I felt so ugly, gross, and unattractive. I didn’t even KNOW how you and your bad self could be attracted to me. There were the little things that made me feel hopeful. When we would sleep in the bed next to each other, when we would cuddle in the bed together, when we would get close and all. When we would kiss, when we would just be physically touching.
I told myself it could never happen. I told myself that you didn’t want me, if you did you would have tried. I told myself that you weren’t attracted to girls like me based on your track record. I told myself that I was too sensitive to just have sex with you; we were too good of friends to do that. I made ALL of the excuses in the book. Finally when I was ready to have sex with you, when I REALIZED that I could ACTUALLY have sex with you, it was too late. We were at the end of the friendship. It was done, we were done. We had grown apart. I thought maybe if we had sex at that point, it’d bring us back together, I thought that it would bond us again. I was desperate. I didn’t understand why you were leaving me. i couldn’t wrap my head around why you were abandoning me. I didn’t know, I couldn’t stop myself from texting knowing that you would ignore me, i couldn’t stop myself from thinking about you, masturbating the thought of what you were doing, wondering why we weren’t friends anymore. I still can’t. I still don’t want to.
So here I am. I have this guilt for coming to California for imagining seeing you again, imagining fucking you so it’ll bring us back to the place where we started. So I can fulfill that fantasy of us having children together, of us building a home together and being presidential together. It’s funny because I asked for it, and I feel guilty for asking for that… but there in my soul I actually KNOW that is going to happen, because it is SUPPOSED to happen. Because I still want it to happen. I don’t have to focus on it anymore though, I don’t have to think about you now, or ever really. Because WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT you’ll be back in my life again. I can just let you go. I can let that guilt go, I can let that guilt of loving you unconditionally go. It’s just fear that you don’t love me back. It’s just fear that I’m not the person you want. But I’m the person I want. I want to have amazing sex with you. I will. I know I will. I want to have amazing sex with a lot of people. a part of me letting go of that emotional attachment is me letting go of the idea that “I will be yours forever” because really I don’t want to be anybody’s forever.
I have done SUCH a good job dealing with those emotions today, and I can just let it go. <3
Now that we’ve parted, and gone our seperate ways, I find myself feeling lonely at times. When the emotions come up I want to call you, I want to talk to you, I want you to tell me that it’s all okay. It only took a couple of seconds to realize though, that I’m never alone; I always have myself. Thus I posed the question as to “if we always have ourselves, why do we have other people”. The emotion that ran up after that was, heavy, discerning, empty. That question made me feel more lonely in the world than thinking I was actually alone. I have yet to come up with a solid answer to that question. I support myself in everything; I support my emotions, I support my decisions, I support everything. My ego says “i don’t really need anybody else then” but my soul longs for a companion in this world. Why? I thought about maybe it’s because I loved you before, and I was lucky enough to meet you again, and love you again. I know that’s what it is. You were my lover in a past life, you were. When we died we promised to come back to one another next life time, and remember.
I don’t think you want to remember, I don’t think you care. I want you to care though. I want you to see that you love me the most just as I love you the most. We are soulmates, we are lovers, friends, companions, we are eachother’s person. You cut me out of your life completely though. I want to tell you this in person, I want to show you that this is it; we’re it. I know you’re not ready to believe that yet. I’m not ready to believe that yet. I keep thinking the time will come when we meet again, and maybe it will. I want it to, I want it to so bad. I know I have to continue supporting myself in these emotions though; and that’s what I’ll keep doing.
Sorry for not blogging in a couple days; I have been dealing with loss. Nobody died, but friendships that ended are just now creeping up again, knocking on my door, and saying hey "deal with these emotions now or I'll kill you". It's for the better. I'm going to post a few blogs today. I know everyone out there can relate to letting go; it's something we all have to do. We love people, we think it's going to be forever, and when it's not forever we get sad, we sometimes want to die, we feel like "my life is ending right here, right now". Well, okay. Maybe that's a girls perspective, but I know there are some emo boys out there too. I had a friend, she was my soulmate, we seriously are on the same journey to life. I don't know if we always had been, or if we decided to go on the same journey because we felt as though we had known each other in a past life (Cloud Atlas: everyone needs to go see it). Anyway, our friendship is over (I'm going to end up writing a novel about it) and now it's time for me to deal with these emotions so I can go off and do something great. Here is a little insight on how I deal with my emotions; these next three blogs posted after this are going to be letters I wrote to myself I guess, so I could write them, and cry, read them and cry, and then re-read them and cry. I don't care what anybody says, CRYING IS THE MOST HELPFUL THING IN THE WORLD. You just have to know why you're crying. I encourage everyone to explore their emotions. I have this new thing when I cry, I stare at myself in the mirror and I watch my face srunch up from the tip of my chin to the top of my forhead. I stare as my eyes fill with tears, and open wide to allow them to flow. My mouth opens wide and I wale to get out all the feelings inside. It's beautiful really. EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH THEMSELVES CRYING. I tell myself that it's all okay, and that I'm beautiful when I cry. Emotions are a great part of life; it's something that is ACTUALLY real. I have this habit of making myself not feel when I'm afriad of my emotions; i'm breaking that habit. It only leads to more agnoy down the road when I'm in another relationship with someone and I realize I'm still not over the last, and am relating this new person to my old person. Enough about that though. I hope everyone out there is having a really great day! Leave comments and tell me how you guys deal with your emotions; do you cry? to punch walls? babies? grown men? little girls? do you not deal at all? I WANT TO KNOW.
peace, love, and all the above
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Today is a fine day on the vineyard. I haven't had much thought on anymore interpretations of religious texts, BUT I have something better today!
Now I know that I'm not the only person out there who watches The Real World. I grew up on it! My examples for how relationships were supposed to work were Trichelle and Stephen from the Real World Las Vegas; I really thought their love would never fade because they were having sex all of time. My 12 year old heart broke when I watched the after show and found out that their love didn't grow any farther than the bedroom in the penthouse. I couldn't understand why they said I love you but didn't mean forever. I would run around the house with my little friends pretending cameras were following us, saying "bitch you got me fucked up, i will fuck you up" imitating the drama I saw on TV. We would then make up after a long crying session, and go out for "drinks" at the "bar" and dance our problems away. Since most of my friends were girls we took turns pretending to be each other's boyfriends. Of course we didn't really comprehend what was actually going on when the couples would roll around under the sheets, so we did the best we could romping around. When I got into high school I had a better understanding of reality TV, and what I was watching. I watched as the housemates on The Real World: Austin drank and partied and fought and laughed and cried, and worked some of the time. I decided that I was going to go on The Real World one day. I was gonna do it! I was going to fulfill my lifelong dream of having cameras follow me around while I pranced around in a mansion with six strangers, creating drama and answering to my fame by blowing kisses to all the people who wished they were me. Of course, that has yet to happen.
So here I am now, not having watched much of The Real World since I was a young teen. It took a while for me to comprehend that all of the drama, alcohol, sex, and emotionalism I had watched had infiltrated my mind; I had convinced myself that that's how life was supposed to live. I eventually got over trying to make me life a reality tv show and found happiness (read more about it in my novel, soon to be published) and now am able to watch The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons without thinking my life should be lived that way. Now, if you don't know anything about The Challenge let me break it down from. Real World cast members from each season get together and compete for tons of money (they've raised the stakes to 250,000$ this round)! Most of the people who go on the show have known each other, have had sex with each other, have fought with each other, have basically gotten down and dirty with each other. The challenges they do is always entertaining, but what really gets me is the amount of drama that goes on in the house. I could give you a play by play, but that really isn't what I'm here to do. So let's just turn this way, why would they call it The Real World? It gives people the impression that if your life isn't filled with booze, drama, beautiful people, and a mansion you're obviously not living in the REAL world. Hmm, can we take a poll and see how many Americans actually live in the REAL world then? I would really like to know. Now, i'm not complaining at watching these beautiful people on TV fight about who got paid for gay porn and who didn't, but I am begging the question as to why it is real? It all seems preeeetttyy fake to me. The editing is amazing, I will give them credit for that; they manage to make up what people are saying and actually PUT IT IN their same voice; and the MUSIC. Oh man! The background music is what gives me the goosebumps.
So here's what I'm thinking; we can relate The Real World/The Challenge to what the Greeks used to do in the cathedrals have men fight to the death, while the women watched as their husband died. Now, the brutality of what the Greeks used to do and what us Americans are doing is a bit different; back then hurting someone physically was the thing to do, NOW we have taken it to other level; hurting people emotionally is what is more entertaining these days. We deemed it immoral to kill people, and are now broadcasting shows where we watch people's emotions on full blast, and call it good TV.My dreams of going on The Real World are still in the back of my head, and you will probably see me on TV one day soon. Just know though, I will NOT be the girl getting naked for all the boys, I'll be the girl crying because nodody wants to let me play with their toys.
Until next time,
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
This is probably about the 10th million blog I have started, but the only blog where I will be requesting donations/payment from my readers; I'm a writer, and I know people enjoy reading my writing, so why not request to make money from it, right? Creativity is hard work, and does not come easy to most. I'm putting in the effort and i'm gladly accepting love for it!
A little bit about the woman behind the computer: My name is Olivia. I'm 21 years old, and have lived a life full of adversity, struggle, hardship, pain, and unhappiness. It wasn't until six months ago did I come to the realization that life is what we make it; it's a choice, and the choices I was making were only following a pattern deeply in-rooted in my family's behavior. Being the knowledgeable truth-seeking, spiritual above all woman that I am, I called upon the universal power to help me find SOME direction in life. The story of how I found that direction is being told now in the novel I am writing, and will soon be published. Look out for it in 2013. I live in California and am a young travelling girl; I am currently staying with my family for the holidays, and soon to jet off again to where ever the wind takes me.
Enough about me though, let's get onto the topic of this blog for today. Have you ever thought about why in the world us humans have come to realize, since the beginning of time, how much easier it is to have someone with you to share all these experiences with? The bible has its interpretation of why there is partnership in life, and living in the Western world I would assume most of us know what it is; God created Adam first, and realized that he would need someone to play with down here on Earth, thus Eve was created. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, and BAM! Humanity was made. That's a simple answer; a man's answer. But let's be honest here; how many people can look at our home planet and think A MAN created this? If you do think that, you should just stop reading now. Click the back button, and go read your blog about cooking, travelling, and other "normal" actions. As I gaze out into the morning sun, I look up to the sky, and back down to the beautiful trees covering my Grandmother's lawn; the flowers blooming, the grapes being harvested from the vineyard. I examine the fine details of how our planet was perfectly detailed for humanity to enjoy, and how each little detail has its own beauty. She is called MOTHER Earth for a reason, right? Our home planet is nurturing above all things; she gives us land to live on, food to eat, water to drink, air to breath, fire to keep warm. As I began exploring the idea of our home planet, and wondering if she in fact was the God everyone has referred to for infinite amount of years, I came back to the creation story told in the bible; If God is of male descent, if he is our farther, the must mean Man created Woman. That boggled my mind. I couldn't wrap my head around the thought of a man pushing a baby out of his sex organ, or even thinking he had enough wisdom to create a woman. NOT to say, men are not important to this world, or that the male energy is not needed. I am discounting the fact that God is a He, a Father. Woman had to come first, woman created woman, woman created our home, Earth is our home, she is our mother, she is our GOD.
Now that we have established that woman was created first we can now go forth to the question asked first. Why do humans need other humans? So we're to the point now where our Mother has finally created herself, and of course being a woman, she needs to be desired, appreciated, told how beautiful she is all the time; she wants to see her hard work of making herself PERFECT paid off! Like a woman who creates the perfect dinner for herself but has nobody to share it with, nobody to be told how beautiful she is, she wants that affection. The other planets surrounding her (Moon, Sun, Pluto, Mars, Saturn, etc) weren't doing it for her; they weren't appreciating her enough, thus she came up with her own solution; create beings that could be conscious of her. The animals that were created were not good enough, well... to say the least they could only appreciate SOME of their home planet, the were not able to see how hard their mother worked; they did not have the appreciation for All That Is. She tried again, and again, and again, and again (Evolution) until finally the most perfect children were created. Now, Mother Earth was created by the Universe, which I have yet to determine was male or female energy, but that's for another blog. These women were created, and these women were perfect, but they needed something else; they were so delicate and fragile, and had all the emotional waves of the moon, and could appreciate the energy of the sun, but they did not want to work. Thus, man was created. Now, we have humanity. These women could feel the love on their own, they could even choose to get pregnant on their own (again for another blog, i will explain the human mind and how it controls everything in life), but they wanted someone outside of themselves (just like mother earth) to tell them that they were pretty, loved, accepted, etc.
Fast forward to my office at my Grandmother's home in 2012. As I am sitting here, writing this blog I am currently dealing with a loss of a friend; she didn't die she merely just said "I am no longer willing to support you emotionally, it's time for you to do it yourself. I'm tired, and I'm done". My heart can't help but sink to the bottom of my stomach. My whole life (and i know other people out there feel the same) people have wondered why they have that desire to find someone to share their life with; their soul mate, companion, friend, lover. Why couldn't we just do it all ourselves? There has to be SOME reason why we have that detail. So, if we were all created out of love, that detail must have been created out of love. Sometimes our voice isn't enough; if you think about it we are with ourselves ALL of the time, 24/7 until the day we die. The voices we have in our head is our voices, our thoughts, our world. Some may wonder what other people are thinking, some may want emotional support (someone to tell them how amazing they are), or simply just someone to share all the pleasures in life with (sex, food, drink, travelling, hiking, biking, etc). What is it for you? At first for me, I wanted to make sure that what I was telling myself, all my ideas, thoughts, feelings were correct. I used people as a check mark, a way to gauge where I was in life. Then I began to use other people as a tool to see if "what i was thinking" was "what they were thinking"; I wanted to see if each spider creates the same web, or a different one. Then it came down to the emotions. The emotions are like the ocean; vast, forever, vicious, and unknown of what's below when you jump in without a life jacket. I fear my emotions more than anything, and I know I'm not alone in that matter. I needed someone to to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that I'm on the right direction, i needed someone to support me, rather than appreciate me. I became dependent on others, I saw them as my rock, the ones that keep me grounded. The truth is boys and girls, we are absolutely capable of keeping ourselves grounded; emotions do not kill us, emotions are there as a gift from our mother to make this experience on this planet REAL. Feeling is the only thing I can say that is real to me; when I feel something in my body, I know that I am alive.
Thus, finding a life partner should not be someone's goal for their entire life, because they will ultimately miss out on finding what's actually around them. LIFE SHOULD BE SHARED WITH ALL OF HUMANITY. We as humans are on that path; through the internet we have found ways to share human life without even having to be with that person, and let me tell you it's a great thing! I can share all of beautiful ideas with millions across the world just by writing; facebook has become a phenomenon of the time. Support yourself, love yourself, be yourself. You are perfect the way you are.
Until next time,