Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Truth Hurts

It took a little under a year for me to kick out the bottom, and rebuild my structure. I am so appreciative of all the lessons that I have learned, and for the patience that I received from my friends and family. I feel as though I am coming close to a closing, which will be an opening to something greater and more of what I want to do. I feel so lucky to have come this far in such a short amount of time, and am continuing to practice the laws of the universe on a day to day basis, just as we all should.

There are a few minor mistakes that I have made along the way, but there is a solution to every problem. I am making the best decisions for my life, and the truth hurts... the truth hurts, but the outcome is better. It's personal, but I feel as though my blog is known for being interpersonal, and brutally honest about the feelings I hold within. I am not going to be a mother at this time in my life, and that is the clear and final decision. Love is blind, and boy was I blinded. I guess it really hit me when we were driving home from Bonnaroo, coming around the river bend, experiencing the lights of little, quaint downtown chattanooga when I realized there was no way Micheal Manneback was going to fit into my life, nor was there ever a way for him to fit into my life. There are countless reasons, and when I got home and saw that the letters I had written him had been returned, I knew that it was over... for the better. The universe was like "girl, you know better than to even try to make a homeless man of 15 years get a job... you don't have to be the hero of your story anymore, just be you... sweet, loving, caring, Olivia".

There are many more things in store for me, and I'm so young, I wanted to live fast.... I wanted to experience 35 at 22, but that's not how it works. I'm going to be my age, I'm going to grow at my pace, I'm going to change and become better and better every step of the way.

Until Next Time,


p.s. everyone check out my friends blog he takes NARLY pics!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


And I'm back.
Ladies and gentlemen Bonnaroo 2013 was a complete and utter success. The many moments filled with full unconditional love, peace, joy, and harmony. The first two nights consisted of an empty Center Roo still in the set up phase, vendors and volunteers alike jamming out to music and socializing. I would have to say my favorite part about the first two days were the amount of lessons that I learned.

The first was learning how to work as a team with my two wolf pack members. A group mindset is probably the most important thing; if one person is off, the whole team is off.

The second lesson was the journey. I met a girl, and her name was Journey. A beautiful, divine expression of life that loved Mother Earth more than anything. She taught me the importance of picking up after yourself, not leaving trash on our home anymore. She was quick in her learning, focused on staying positive. She taught me about fairies, psychics, and energy healing. She accepted my true self, she believed in my true self.

The third came when I learned how to change my vibrational pattern through imagining the infinity symbol spinning within my chakra wheels. After running into an old male obsession of mine, giving him back the terrible relationship karma he had, and actually saying sorry to him and receiving an apology back, I was able to open up my heart chakra even more. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros opened their show with 40 day dream, and I balled my eyes out... for the first time I felt the beauty that was within my body. I accepted beauty in to my heart. I accepted my soul into my sacral. I was free. I am free.

The best performance was definitely Passion Pit. Being the front row and seeing the handsome men of the band truly showing their passion of music through their performance created such a positive vibe for me.

Shout out to the Little Hippie for letting me play with your LED Hoops at night; I'm pretty sure my hooping skills are going to only get better from here. Thank you so much to the yoga teachers who guided me through my practice in the mornings, I would have not been able to get through work without it.

Bonnaroo was a true gift this year, and I am so appreciative for the second gift I received a day after the positive festival; I got a job serving at Abuelo's Mexican Restaurant today. :) I am choosing to stay in good vibrations and blessing all of the wonderful brothers and sisters of humanity out there.

Until Next Time


Monday, June 10, 2013

R.I.P Twenty One

I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss touching you, kissing you, laughing with you, being around you. I miss hearing your voice, and quoting random, quirky things you say to me when I'm sad.

Why did we manifest this? Did our higher selves know that in order to raise a child together we would have to grow up on our own. My body is wondering when I'll ever see you again, and if you really love me at all. My heart tells me you do. My sacral is the one that's questioning our relationship. When we were in Florida together it was awful at times, but at other times it was a perfect romance story. What it really came down to was this; you could feel that I wasn't telling you something that I needed to tell you, and what I needed to tell you was that I wasn't going to run away from home anymore, and I came down to Florida to show you how much I loved you so you would come back to Chattanooga with me. I felt like I was manipulating you, so I didn't tell you that... instead I just pushed you away. I pushed you so far away that when I first told you that I was carrying your child you said to me "i don't want you anywhere near me".  I was terrified of how good our relationship could be, and now I'm letting that go.

I'm not going to be the same girl you knew when you get to Chattanooga, finally. Your mind is going to be blown, you're actually going to want to have a relationship with me, and you're going to be so thankful that I am the one who you got pregnant. But I have to do this for me, I have to transform the way I portray myself in relationships for me, and only for me. You and nugget are my reward, and I am going to be so thankful that you're the father of my child when we are finally united once more.

My love for you transcends Time and Space, and although I haven't heard your deep voice in over a month know, I hear you next to me all the time. I feel your presence with me in moments of silence, peace, and harmony.

I feel like I owe you an apology, I feel like I should be sorry for what my emotions manifested in our relationship... but then there is this part of me that's so mad at you. That's so mad at you for saying all those hurtful things about who you thought I was, and how you saw me. But then I remember how far off in the distant those moments of hate are... and I look to the future when we can share many many moments of love. We're the lucky ones here, God has given us a chance to raise a beautiful child together and grow in our love for one another. I cried last night in deep gratitude for the being that is growing inside of me right now, and for the man who I get to share the rest of my life with because of this.

I have to forget the memories I have of you, I have to no longer feel what I felt for you, and in that regard I am opening up to feel something greater for you. So, for what it's worth, I let the image I have of you go, and I am now open to seeing who you really are. I am now open to my best self, I am now open to your best self. The day I fell in love with you was the day that I met you, and the day that I met you was the day that I fell in love with myself. I can let that feeling go... by letting that go, I know that someway somehow it will come back to me.

I'm going to miss the young 21 year old on the slack line having a great day when a young looking man with his beautiful golden, blonde hair down his back, reaches his hand out and says "let me help you". I'm going to miss the girl who slept next you in willow creek after you showed interest in me, gazing up at the stars you saying "every time you look up there is a memory of someone you love". I'm going to miss the girl who hitchhiked with you, and had a great time feeling the amount of freedom that we felt. I'm going to miss the girl that left you in Redding because she knew she had to go see her family due to some deep karmic healing that needed to be done. I'm going to miss the girl that knew she had to come back to you. I'm going to miss the girl that made amazing love to you in the kitchen of our friends house to "Everlasting Light" by the Black Keys. I'm going to miss the girl who yelled at you and told you to let it go, because it wasn't worth holding on to, and then grabbing your face and kissing you passionately as we walked back to camp. I'm going to miss the girl who you called baby after we got rained on in Santa Rosa. I'm going to miss the girl who said "go boy, fetch me my zebra" when we were with our wonderful new friends Masha and Chirs, gazing over the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge. I'm going to miss the girl that you pulled close to you at night so we could keep warm in the 30 degree weather. I'm going to miss the feeling of falling in love for the first time and actually knowing that deep inside me you were the one, you were it. You were my life partner, and there was nothing that I could do, or you could do to change that. I'm going to miss the girl who you asked "how does it feel to be young and in love" because that was first time her true dream came true, and she was so head over heals for you she just said "amazing" and you said "it feels good every single time". I'm even going to miss the little insecurities that came with all of the love that I was feeling. The jealousy when we were around skinny white girls, because I know I'm the first black girl you've dated... The anger when you didn't hold me at night... The sadness when you broke up with me for the first time, and I rode a bus to Southern California listening to Breathe Me by Sia sobbing my eyes out as I left San Francisco.

This death of me that's happening is probably one of the hardest, that I've been through. And I say hard in the sense of there was actually so much that I loved about the girl that I was when I met you. I had finally found the road that I was going on, and it was the beginning of a great life. I'm living that great life now, and life only gets better and better, and the weird part is it's only getting faster too. My deaths are happening more rapidly, and I know that in order for us to have what we truly wanted with each other, which is a family and nice life together, I have to let the homeless girl that was just figuring it out,  or as you say it was just waking up to this reality, go. I have to say bye to her. I have to move forward, or else life is going to go on without me. So this is my goodbye to that chapter of my life. This is my goodbye to that chapter of your life too. I have no control over whether or not you come with me, and die with me, and I sure as hell hope you do, because if we're being honest here, my life wouldn't be the same without you in it. I have to let the idea of you go in my head, because the truth is you may not come with me on this journey, it might be another man... and that's what scares me the most. If I let the girl that you know die, then the man that I know dies with her, and maybe you were only meant to get me pregnant, maybe there's another prince charming out there waiting for me, and I have to be open to receive the true husband and family that I want. I can't hold on forever, and although the idea sometimes pops in my mind that I may meet someone better, my body is still telling me that it's you. So I'm going to take a leap of faith, and I'm going to say goodbye to the 21 year old essence that I'm holding on to. I'm about to be 23, a mom, and a massage therapist, and I've already changed so much... and I'm hoping you're doing the same sitting in the jail cell of San Marcos, TX.

Until Next Time,



Well, this week is going to be the best week of MANY people's lives; that's right ladies and gents Bonnaroo is in t-minus 72 hours! People from all over the country, and maybe even the world, will be on the Manchester farm starting Wednesday afternoon!

Last year was my first year at Bonnaroo, and what a year it was. Although my coherency level quickly faded after day 2, from what I can remember of the shows I had a great time! This year I'm going to be working the show, so I get to have a whole new perspective on what Bonnaroo is actually about. There are many avenues and doorways opening up for me, and one of them is my new spot as a writer for vmremix blog. My first assignment is going to be on Bonnaroo and the shows that I get to see! I'm so pumped up!

Artists that I'm most excited to see:

1. Alt-J 
It's safe to say that I'm in love with this indie-european band. Their funky beats, and twisted lyrics caught my eye with their song breezeblocks. If you've seen the music video you were probably as mind blown as I was. To be able to see this group live should be good, my hula hooping hips are all ready in motion!

2. Passion Pit 
Or should I say Passion Hit? Their dancy beats have caught my eye since 2009 when I was a college freshman riding around smoking blunts with my friends. I remember the first time I heard them, and I know that I cried. Their hits, now played on the radio, which I think is pretty cool, have made me fall in love even more hard core...

3. MC Yogi 
He's going to be playing a DJ set list while an amazing yoga instructor from San Fransisco teaches a class! His songs about love, peace, and harmony struck my heart when I was driving across the country  learning how to love myself. His positive vibes send me goosebumps, and to be able to see him live while doing yoga will make my LIFE.

I probably won't be able to see more than these three people as I'll be working in the Crescent Foods tent, so FIND ME. I can't wait to see all your lovely faces there. :) Peace and Love.

Until Next Time,


Sunday, June 9, 2013

I just gotta get it out

There are some things that I just really need to get out, and it is about some past relationships that I've had, as well as past incidents. I think as a part of my healing I need to be open with myself about the little minor details I'm still holding onto. For sake of privacy I'm going to use fake names.

1. Suzy
You were a very good friend and you and I had a lot of fun together. It hit the HELL out of my pain body when I messaged you just to see how you were doing, and congratulate you on graduating college, and you just said "you left messes behind, and I have no desire to be your friend anymore". I can't really blame you, but I guess the part that hurt me the most was probably that you thought I had left messes behind for other people to clean up... it made me feel really irresponsible, and as if I didn't deserve to get the fuck out of this town for a while so I could go get my head right. I've gone between anger toward you and every time I see you driving down the street it's either "I hope she's doing okay" or "fuck that girl, she wasn't even that good of a friend of mine". I guess you just called me out on something that I didn't feel as though I needed to be called out on, and I am really sorry that I hurt you by telling you that your boyfriend was in love with some other girl, and then I just left after we had made up. It was nothing personal, and I'm sure your statements weren't meant to be personal either. So for sake of my life, and for sake of my healing I forgive you.... and I forgive myself. Goodbye suzy.

2. The Old Roommate
I was told yesterday as I was sitting at a friend's house that there was an article written in the UTC news paper about an incident that happened with my old roommate over a noodle on the stove.... they made me sound like a fat bitch who could have hurt my little roommate with my overpowering anger. I laughed. I laughed because I couldn't really believe that the angry girl inside of me just came out like that, and I laughed because the roommate of mine who just didn't want her boundaries crossed was perfectly fine, but I scared her... she was actually a really nice girl, and I was too, and I don't really have to analyze a past self that doesn't exist anymore, but to the old roommate who felt as though her life was threatened by 240 pound Olivia, I'm sorry. I forgive you... and I forgive myself. Goodbye old roommate.

3. To All the Bitch Ass Hoes... 
That hate me the most, oh yeah, I hate you too. But not really. Okay, so if there is anything that old Olivia (and new Olivia) can do is she can make people remember her for the rest of their lives... and because old Olivia felt a lot of pain, and manifested even more pain, there are a lot of haters out there. So this one is to you, haters. To all the people who hate me for taking without asking, taking without giving back, not asking, crossing your boundaries, saying awful things to you, and being a down right crazy bitch because I wanted all of you out of my life for no particular reason, I get it. I was a fuck up, because I said I was. I was a bitch, because I said I was. I was overly emotional, because I said I was. I was highly sensitive to insults, because I said I was. So if you have every experienced the wrath of my pain body, I'm sorry. I forgive you... and I forgive myself. Goodbye to all the bitch ass hoes.

It is so okay for my emotional body to feel pleasure, feel balanced, stable, and to manifest healthy relationships. It is so okay for my emotional body to forget the essence of her past relationships. It is so okay for my emotional body to forget who she was, focus on where she is going, and be a shining star. It is so okay for my emotional body to embody the aspects of my higher self, it is so okay for my emotional body to feel my higher self, it is so okay for my emotional body to be the light and love. I'm putting the work in, and I'm going to have and maintain healthy, long lasting relationships with people that I truly care about... not to say that I didn't care about those other people, but it's hard to care when you don't even care about yourself.

Until next time,


Saturday, June 8, 2013

Confessions of the ego

I got a letter in the mail today from my doctor's office, I have my appointment coming up very soon. This part of me, that just wants to run away from it... the part of me that just wants to make this the worst possible thing that could happen in the entire world, and that it's going to be so hard, and that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders is completely covered by sound, and I choose not to listen to those voices. They go so quickly, it's as though they are chasing after themselves. I don't really know which way the chaos is going or why it is even there... I try to analyze over and over in my mind what's happening, and why it's happening, and what decision I need to make, and how am I supposed to do this...

What I really want is to do my job, and to do it well. Being a mother is a job, and I want to make sure that I do it well. I want to make sure that this job reaps benefits, and this job is something that I'm very talented and good at doing. The stakes are higher now, because this job is caring for a child... and I've never had this job before. Ever. I don't even think in my past lives I was given the chance to be a woman, and that is something that I've felt deep within me. It's a truth that I've never shared, and now here I am being completely honest with myself. I believe that in many many, and maybe all, past lives I was man... and I have come down here to be a woman.

Okay, okay so maybe I'm giving a little too much meaning to the body, and maybe I'm going a little too far with this whole spiritual crock, but man it's really working! My higher self is just flowing through and this is how I wanted my ego to be revealed to, so this is how it's done. I, as ego create meaning to things that don't matter sometimes, yet they still matter to my pain body. I like to sit and contemplate the pain body, but I do that too much. I can get lost there.... because that is what gives me true pain, is making matter where there is not. The formless is not considered matter, right? That's where I'm wrong.

So I'm going to throw the ball on the wall and allow these thoughts to just come out they way they seem, and I'm going to piece them together and HOPEFULLY this will make logic enough sense to someone out there who MAY see where I'm coming from and MAY be able to help me expand a logic reason as to why the 1% just so happens to be the richest people in the world, and there is 99% of people who don't have as much as they do, which can then relate to my pain body being the 1% that matters in me, but then I think about what the 1% in REALITY makes matter and it's money... they make money matter, and I make pain matter. But each one has a different reward, because I make pain matter, I am able to heal all of the little wounds that I have given myself, and because they make money matter they get to make power matter. I made healing matter, they made money matter. Yet there is this sense of us and them, and "what they have is better".... they have more freedom. That's what I envy. I envy the freedom that "they" have (please excuse the generalities being thrown out of here, I may have listened a little too much to Pink Floyd last summer) have is a much different freedom than what I have. They have freedom to roam, and I have the freedom to share my gift, and they have an opportunity to share their gift. Essentially it's always going to be equal and balanced. More to come on this topic later. (a little musical inspiration totally inspired this whole blog)

My issue with money is this really; I think that I can't have it. I feel unworthy, and more so a lack of communication about money. I feel a really big block within myself that makes me feel really weird. I am holding on to the idea that my mom took money from me and so I just dealt with it... i always felt guilty that I had done something wrong, and she would always say "you owe me this" and not to mention the fact that she sued me on national television.... but what am I really even complaining about? There it goes again my ego is a smart one. Is referring to myself as a seperate entity okay? This whole bi-polar thing, I feel pain and pleasure, so I wanted a contrast, I wanted a contrast of day and night, black and gold. I wanted to relate to something dirty.... something that felt grimy, and heavy, and I wanted to know what it felt like to take it off when I was ready for it to come off.

So here I am using my writing skills and very very intense logical mind, that really doesn't make any sense at all, but it still kinda does because I like to create new logic so why not relate everything to something, right? It's all related anyway. I hope everyone enjoyed this little confession... I'm going to go make myself a grilled cheese w/ tomatoes in a tortilla. mmmmm.

peace and love,


Friday, June 7, 2013

Making a contract with ego

Dear Ego,

First and foremost I love you very much for all the little things you do, and you are utterly and always noticed and appreciated in positive ways. There are some things that you do that make it harder on you, and you do them anyway because you feel like you have to cross the boundary so you know that it REALLY is there, and also so you know that you exist. People notice you when you cross boundaries, trust that one. You don't have to give me any explanations as to why you've crossed the boundaries, but you also need to do what Bahar just said... use the limitations that you have and created unlimitedness with them.

You have a job ego, and your job is to simply produce and create the gift that God has given you this lifetime, and through being aligned with that higher power deep within you, you can actually do even more! You must first start with the one job that you were given,  and then go from there. You need to get good at your job. So here is going to be an easier way for you and I to communicate. I know you have a lot of things to say, and I know sometimes you just want to tune out because you don't want to listen to the chaos you caused through crossing a boundary, which then leads to guilt, shame, and ultimately negative emotions, which I get.... so let me help you. Allow me to be your guide:

You have gotten really good at paying attention more closely and remembering names; today when you were counting money, it was a lot easier than before, and I was really proud of you. You didn't freak out when you didn't have a ride home, and you made the best of it when Michelle told you not to get stuff on her computer... I know one of the questions you have is "why does it matter if stuff gets on things" and I've never given you an answer, but also because you didn't want to listen... you hear your mom's voice (because she was the one who told you this), and you don't respect your mom's voice. You said so yourself tonight, "yeah my mom's a bitch" and in all honesty, she kind of is. She creates a very bitchy personality for herself, and you have had to deal with that your whole life. You say you don't care, but you also don't realize how that has hindered you to learn respect for other people's things. So here is the first rule I have for you, and this is a part of our contract.

1. Be Mindful 
My job as your higher self is to keep you safe, and to lift the weight of the world off your shoulders, so in return I want you to be mindful; in order for me to work for you, you have to work for yourself too. It's the gift that doesn't stop giving... so keep giving to yourself, and be mindful of the amount of food you consume, the actions you portray to others, take it slowly if you have to. Appreciate every bite you get, and appreciate all the clothes you have. Part of being mindful is recognizing that the material you are wearing represents YOU to the world; your appearance matters. What you show to the world is what you show to yourself, and if you want to see yourself as the person you see yourself on the inside, become that person! BE MINDFUL.

2. Always Show Respect For Others 
No matter the circumstance, if you are wrong or right (or even when you're in the phase of "well I know that I'm right) show respect for other people's creations, show respect for the being that they are, place nice. It's not fair to create jealousy, anger, angst, or irritation... be grateful that you have the chance to use others' tools to create your life, and be grateful that there is another being to appreciate your creative work!!! Be thankful you can share your gift and you don't have to just know you can do all these awesome things, and just not do them!!!

3. know that you're always taken care of 
You will, no matter what, always have everything that you need, and that is not a dream that you need to wake up from. You can live in the fantasy as long as you want to, because that is what keeps you safe from attacking yourself.... I must say, that you've done such a good job at the whole surrender thing, and it's only getting better baby girl. No matter what, you will never ever have to worry about anything, because no matter what you may "think" you're creating, I am always one step ahead, and everything that you need to know will be revealed to you in a timely manner... trust that I know what you CAN and CANNOT handle.... allow me to be the judge sometimes,  you don't always have to be your own worst critic, because in reality that hurts you.

I love you little ego, you are my pride and joy and I want you to thrive, I want you to become everything, I want you to share your gift with the world. Reiki and Massage are AMAZING gifts and you are SOOOOOOO lucky to be gifted with those healing powers. Use them to your advantage, and allow me to do the rest.


Your Higher Self

Pregnant People Problems

Okay, so I haven't been pregnant that long, and I'm not really showing that much right now, but I am starting to foresee the issues I may run into along the way, and I've already had some of the normal issues as well. Seeing as I'm going to Bonnaroo this year, I'd like to highlight the problems that I'M NOT WILLING TO HAVE while sleeping in a tent with randoms that I don't know. :)

1. Morning Sickness 
-i don't know if any of you have ever woken up first thing in the morning, eaten some food, and then ran to to the toilet to reject it, but I have. I don't think I've thrown up this much since I was sick with the flu that one time in 8th grade.

-after I throw up I always get this refreshed feeling as if I had just gotten the worst poison out of my body, and I'm so thankful to be alive... and then I taste my mouth and I want to throw up again.

-I've learned not to eat things super heavy in the morning; the other morning I had the choice to eat some lasagna for breakfast, and I passed for an apple, thank God I did because the Carta Bus Driver would have had a way bigger, nastier, mess to clean up in the back of the bus... *sorry about that, btw Carta.... LOVE YOU!*

2. Tiredness
-Probably one of my main concerns is the amount of energy my body is using to create this small human inside of me, and the amount of energy Olivia needs to use to get things done... like make money, clean the house, go hiking, stuff like that.

-I haven't been too tired, but when I am I can fall asleep standing up, it doesn't matter. Sometimes I just need to lay down in the middle of the street... or whereever I am.

-I'm going to be working 10+ hour shifts at Bonnaroo, so this is going to be a true test of how much Olivia can do before she just falls asleep/develops *insert name of disease that makes people fall asleep wherever they are here*.

3. Weight Gain/Balance
-Okay, so I haven't gained weight, and I'm determined to actually lose weight during this pregnancy.... but caring another human in your body for 9 months is going to cause the balance of my body to change, and boy it has... for the better.

-If any of you reading remember me, and for those just now tuning in, I was the queen of rolling my ankles.... all the time. The incident of the 2010 Agnes Scott College Bonfire need not be remembered, but let's just say I partied like it was 1991 on an almost broken ankle thanks to the amount of alcohol I consumed. ANYWAY, I've actually been doing VERY well and feeling very balanced. It's like I have a guardian angel watching me, and every time I almost fall it catches me... it's pretty mystic, actually.

-Okay, so I already have stretch marks, but I'm NOT WILLING to get more stretch marks for this kid, so the weight gain (or should I say expansion of my belly outward) better not do that. I've been taking necessary precautions as to not get any more stretch marks by rubbing coca butter/oil on my body... and it's actually working!

My pregnant people problems sometimes transcend Time and Space when I end up dreaming about coffee, cigarettes, pizza, beer, whiskey, and all the other things I have given up so I can have a healthy baby/body. Have you ever drank whiskey while dreaming? I did this one night, and I felt so guilty, EVEN IN MY DREAM, because I was like "omg I'm pregnant and I'm drinking alcohol".  Today begins the first of 11 days that I will be working at music festivals, come see me at the VIP tent at Riverbend and on Thursday, find me behind a vendors cart at Bonnaroo! Summer time just got ten million times better.

Until Next Time,


Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Quick Update

   -why didn't anybody tell me/didn't i find out until just now that Yoga (free yoga I mind you) is offered at ROO?! I love how the mysteriousness of life is just unfolding before my eyes, and each step is getting better and better. 

2My creative juices are flowing, and everything is falling into place.
   -Today I learned that 2013 is the year of the Water Snake (Chinese New Year), and for a Horse like me that loves to gallop along is forced to slow down, and see which way to gallop... which explians A LOT of the year that I've had, but it's totally paying off!! 

3. Timing is EVERYTHING. seriously. 
  -if there is one thing that I've learned is that in order for anything to happen the way that my higher self wants it to happen, I have to CHOOSE (that's right boys and girls, free will is a real thing) to be in the right place at the right time.

With the three main topics of my life which are setting off completely, I am leanred that the order in which the events are falling into place are happening perfectly, and through making the healthy choices to keep my body alive, my body nad mind are finally learning how to REALLY work together well. It's a really great feeling, and the motivation to do what I want and need is not going away, because this is what I've been working toward. All the healing that I have done within te past year (considering I went to Bonnaroo last year) has completely transformed my life, and I am so happy with the results that I have found. I feel as though I can actually just be who I really am, who I have always been. I look back and i see my struggle, but I realized that I am so lucky to have learned perserverence, because at the end of the day the girl inside me that wanted to FORCE the change, was the girl that was pushing me to do the work to EMBRACE the change. I honestly am so grateful for the struggle, and I'm so grateful for what I'm recieving. Looking ahead is a lot better than begging for the past.

Until Next Time,


Tuesday, June 4, 2013


It's all about who you know, and how close you are to them, right? Well, recently I've been rewinding, and discovering a lot about myself through analyzing the relationships I've had with people in the past. A huge part of me feels deep remorse, mostly because I took so much without giving nearly as much, I cried on their shoulders, I dragged them into my drama of life, and I took advantage of the fact that most of my friends were really good people and I was lucky to have them as friends, but never fully provided to them what they provided for me.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 14 years old, I began taking medicine and throughout the first two years of high school I had a minimal amount of friends, and the ones I were close to there was always just fights, crying, screaming, yelling, and tons of "well why am I not included" talks. The medicine helped me focus in school, and I got good grades, and when I switched schools my junior year of high school to go to CCA I felt as though I had found a place where I could fit in. I met my best friend, who I am still friends with thank God, and we had a core group of friends that was just splendid. I continued taking medicine, and things were going fine until I decided that I wasn't good enough to date the boy I had had a crush on all year long, and when senior year rolled around I became friendless mostly because I had decided to strap some C4 to the relationships I had, and blow them up. As I watched the flames of my relationships go up in the air, I felt free... but then I realized that I had absolutely no friends, and nobody to talk to.

That's when I started skipping school, acting out in class, and just being down right out of control emotionally. The only reason I didn't get in trouble was because my teachers knew that I was an academic star, I had just won a 20,000$ national scholarship, and the principal was so proud of me and loved me so much she just didn't care to put me in trouble. I was sad. I was sad because nobody wanted to talk to me, I was sad because I had no real relationships to have, and I was sad because I was confused as to why I thought it was a good idea to ruin friendships with people who were amazing to me. They always paid when we went out, they always picked me up from my house, they always did everything I would ask for, and hwo did I repay them... by telling them they were a piece of shit, and to get the fuck out of my life? Yeah, great job Olivia.

College came, and I was happy as hell to get out of my mother's house and Chattanooga. I went off thinking that maybe it was the enviornment that was causing my behavior, and learned very quickly that that was not the case. I started self destructing, hard core. I wasn't supposed to be drinking on the medicine that I was on, but I did anyway... and almost died a couple of times. A young girl who shall remain nameless called me out on my behavior and told me to stop doing that, because she could see that it was going to become a problem. I didn't listen, of course. We became very good friends, and it wasn't until the melt down of 2010 at Agnes Scott College did I slightly wake up to the reality of how my behavior was innapropriate. I had played lacrosse, and the girls on my team didn't like me, so I thought. I just never really showed them a girl to like, and they didn't know how to react to my crying outburts. We ended up partying together, I ended up getting really drunk, threatened to kill myself because I thought nobody liked me, and got kicked out of college a week later for failing a drug test. Once again I had taken the C4, strapped it to my relationships, and blew them to peices.

Why was any of this happening? They said that it was because I had stopped taking my medicine, but even when I was on medicine it had happened. I didn't want to think about it, I stopped taking the bullshit pills they had given me, and began smoking a ton of weed everyday. I had two friends left, and if it weren't for them I probably would have ended up a crack whore on the streets of Atlanta, GA. That was when we tripped together for the first time. Acid and mushrooms probably saved my life, to be honest. If I had not found these two hallucenagins I would not have the amount of freedom in my mind that I do now. These drugs showed me who I really was, my soul. I became in touch with the trees. Things got put back together, and the puzzle began to look somewhat okay again. That's when I got into University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, and went back home.

I was excited, back in college and I got a fresh new start to try one more to build lasting relationships. I had learned not to threaten to kill myself because I had no place to fit in, and I was ready to try this college thing one more time. I met some amazing people the January I started at school, and I started seeing a side of my hometown that I didn't know existed, and it was awesome. The parties, the people, everyone I met thought I was the shit, and I felt like I was the shit. Need weed? I was your girl. Need acid? I was your girl. At the end of the spring semester in 2011, my friends went back to Nashville, and that's when I met some amazing people.... and that's the summer I got arrested at the Blue Hole.

Going to jail while tripping mushrooms wasn't as scary as one might think, but it was a bonding experience for me and the two boys (who became my two best friends) I had gotten arrested with. I remember being perfectly fine while the mushrooms were still in my system, then I stopped tripping, and that's when I started crying. Nine hours later we were out of jail... and I remember thinking that this was the start of a forever relationship, but something inside me said "you're not going to be friends with them forever so you might as well not get attached..." I got attached anyway. A year later, after dabbling with a ton of ecstacy and other speed products all summer, we were no longer friends... why? Because I wanted to die.

The long run of thinking that my friendships were forever had ended, and I was friendless once more. I had met a girl a while back who portrayed the same life experience as me, and she and I became very close, and we still are to this day. Most of you know the story after this, I ran away from home, went to California and found peace of mind. Now I'm here, back in Chattanooga rehashing the details of my past relationships, and recoginzing the patterns that I had... find friends, get close to them, when you're just close enough you can feel that it's going to be forever, act crazy, say something mean as fuck, and destory, then wallow in your saddness.

Frankly, the only person I can blame for this pattern is myself. I can't say it's because of my bi-polar disorder because with or without medicine I still was portraying this pattern, but what I can recognize is the root of my issue. I took a walk this morning and I pretended to be my own therapist, and I asked my inner child what it was like growing up with my parents; I remembered the fights, the strife, the struggle the portrayed to me, and I remember when my dad left and how I felt like it was my fault... and that's when it hit me. I had been pushing all these people away for the past five years of my life because I didn't want them to leave me first. Then I recognized the behavior of my past self, and what I was showing my friends wasn't even the real me, it was the angry child within me that was still upset that her dad left. It's amazing how one small incident that goes unnoticed or untreated can effect you a lifetime if you allow it to.

Today, I am making the choice to no longer identify with abandonment issues, today I am making the choice to create long lasting, healthy relationships. To all of you out there that has every experienced the wrath of Olivia, or the lies of saying I was going to do something and then didn't, or the user, or the manipulator, or the overly emotional girl this is for you; I'm truly sorry. You all were my victims, and I created myself as the victim when you left me... or stopped talking to me. It's safe to say that my lesson has been learned, and I now know that the path of self-destruction leads to nowhere... relationships are EVERYTHING down here, and I want to be known for the mature person that I truly am. I know what it requires to get myself healthy, and I know what it requires to stay that way.

Until Next Time,


Monday, June 3, 2013

Baby Daddy Problems

Okay, So I've been having the most cramped dreams ever. Tons of people everywhere, faces that I remember from high school, and then all of the sudden Micheal's there. Sometimes we're together and sometimes we're not. Which is a reflection of how our relationship was and has been for the past three months, a "well we'll see how it goes" kind of thing. When I'm with him it's fine. This time we were somewhere near a beach. We were enjoying pizza at a resturant with our friends, talking about this and that. I don't really want to go into the details of what happened I want to more talk about how it felt.

I feel fulfilled, I have a man I can kiss and touch and hug, and he kisses and hugs and touches me back, and it feels great. When my best friend Kalika was around him I felt the insecurities of thinking "omg he's going to like her better than me" pop up, but I assured myself that it was not the case, the weird part is I litterally felt the insecurity... it was this burning feeling in my gut, like a fire had been started, but was slowly being put out and then started again. I was able to identify what it was, and just ignore the thoughts that went with the feeling. I just said I trust Micheal, he is with me, and I trust Kalika.

 I remember there was a part where I reminded myself that I should not try to manipulate others feelings or control their feelings because that would in return cause chaos and havoc in my sacral chakra as well, just allow them to flow the way they want and it will all work out. I just let my emotional body feel the insecurities.

Micheal left with some people, and I was at the library now studying for something or other. I called Kalika to see where they were, and I remember feeling relief at this point because I was focused on something else, something other than my relationship with Micheal. I was focused on school, something that I love, something that I'm really good at, something that gets me excited for life. This type of relief that I felt was mental relief, I was forced to focus my mind on something other than what Micheal was doing with other people, and it made me feel good to know that I was doing something of importance to inhance my life.

 A second set of relief was granted to me when I found Kalika in the bathroom with another boy that wasn't Micheal. My sacral stopped buzzing, I was saved from the wild fire of jealousy and angst.  It didn't matter where Micheal was after a while, I was in the zone of school work. I decided to go find him, and I remember feeling confident. I knew that he was wanting to see me, I knew that he was having a good time with his friends, and I knew that the space between us had given us time to just do other things rather than dwell on our relationship etc etc etc.

I found him, and we hugged and kissed and it was fine and dandy.  I wasn't afraid to asked for what I needed, and he wasn't afraid to give it to me. I remember feeling fulfilled, if that's the word that can describe it... nourished might be better. I felt nourished in the heart and in the sacral, I felt nourished all over. I was then cited for touching Micheal innapropriately... I was to pay 11.55$ to the school. I felt confused.

The whole time from the pizza palor to the scene where the woman gives me a ticket, I had gum stuck in my teeth.  I would chew it, but then the wad of gum was so big it would get stuck in my back molars and I would have to pull it out. I remember feeling discomfort at this point. Teeth represent decisions, so I'm thinking the gum represents me making a decision in a sticky situation, because my relationship with Micheal is a sticky situation.

I have not once dreamed about the baby inside of me and the more time passes by the more I know that there is a huge possibility that I am not ready to be a mother, nor do I need this in my life at this time. I also know that if I choose to do that, Micheal and I will not be together anymore. I'm seeing this from all angles, but this is seriously the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. It doesn't help that Micheal is in jail- but then again God does work in mysterious ways.

 I care about Micheal, but he is not capable of taking responsibility for himself, let alone a child. He has lived as a homeless man for the past 15 years and relied on others to take care of him. Being completely realistic here, that's not somebody I want to have a child with. The more and more I reflect on my situation the more and more I think about how I don't really want to be a mom, and I fantaize about giving birth finally and then giving the baby to a wonderful family who can't have children and who will love the baby forever and ever and then I can go on about my day with Massage Therapy school free of child. I'm the hero to those people who don't know me, but I'm no hero to the baby's father or anybody else in my family.

Then there is a strike in my sacral, an insecurity that I might actually be attached to this child growing inside of me and that I might actually want to keep it and love it and cherish it forever and ever.  I am in control of who the child gets to go to, and I'm in control of the type of family it has- and honestly I could even adopt the baby out to another family member so I could still see it... and that's what it really comes down to.

I want this baby to live in a home where it is surrounded by open minded people, and I don't want to adopt the child out to an avangelical christian home where they are only taught about Jesus; I want my child to have the best chance of attaining enlightenment as quickly as possible. I also want my child to be raised around people who have healthy emotional bodies, who are mature in their relationships, who can let things go easily, and who can teach  the child how to deal with the emotions in the healthiest way possible. I want my child to have a father figure around, not just a mother figure... which is part of the main reason why I don't know if I want to keep little nugget, because it is not a gaurentee that Micheal and I will stick together (unless we're held together by the gum in my teeth) unless some serious shifts happen in me (mostly me maturing in my sacral, communicating clearly what it is that I want and need) and in him (he becoming a responsible man who I can trust to have a baby around, his track record is not that great I mind you).

 I want my child to be raised around people who will love them forever and ever, and I want my child to know that they are loved and supported. I want my child to be free to explore the many talents its going to have, and I want my child to be able to express its creative talents in the utmost way. I want my child to know where they came from, because it's important to know- but there is something inside of me that is just telling me I am not ready for this.

I hit the breaks the second I see that I want to be the one to raise this child. It's not the right time, I'm not married, I'm not settled in my own home, I don't have my career yet, I rushed this all to soon. I remember all of the dreams that I have of travelling the world, sitting at hotel bars with rock stars writing about their daily life for the Rolling Stone, working on a cruise ship as a massage therapist, and honestly having a child is a forever sort of thing... it's my choice how I raise the child, but I want to make sure this child has a fair shot at life. I want to make sure this child will have minimal emotional issues that he/she will have to struggle with. Do I have control over that if I give the child up for adoption? I would say I have more control over it if I keep the child and install some really good beliefs in them, so they know how to deal with the emotional body it has karmically inherited from me. People who have jobs that make them travel have children, and do it all the time. My child would be very cultured due to its obsure way of living.

 I forever will be known as mom to a little human being... and this little human being may or may not have a father around, but I know that there are plenty of men in the world who would be great role models to my child. It's a huge responsibility.... I digress. I have a lot to reflect on, and I know that I am going to make the right choice. The last time I listened to my heart it told me to run away to Florida to be with the man of my dreams, when I did that it turned out to be a complete homeless nightmare- full of sadness and anger. Me pushing him away because that's what I saw my mom do with my dad, and him just running away from me because he didn't want to be with a "liar" and someone who yelled all the time. When it was good with us, it was really good with us, but when it was bad, it was immidiately over because neither one of us knew how to deal with the situation that was going on. It is safe to say that I can now clearly make a choice because I can see how it will work out. This choice that I made may or may not have been the best choice of my life, only time will tell.

until next time,

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Sunday, June 2, 2013

Truths about my emotional body

We come into this world not knowing a damn thing about how to live a healthy, prosperous life, and if we're lucky we find some good teachers, and they tell us what we need to hear so we can be on our way to become a contributing member of society. This is where I'm at. I've been having dreams where older people from my past have showed up in the most random places, last night I was in an airport when Will Smith was a flight attendant and passed by me, and then immideiately afterward a woman I have known since I was fourteen years old calls my name. She sees me sitting next to these kids and says "oh, are you travelling with these children, you got a nanny job didn't you? I bet you're great at that!" I wasn't with the children, in fact what had happened before hand was a little rocky, unhealthy. The scene before this consists of Micheal and I at a gas station spending money on food and beer, Micheal racking up the bill to 75$ when I only had 35$. I get the clerk to bring the bill down to the correct amount, and Micheal is complaining about the beer that we didn't get as we walk outside into the pouring rain. We don't have proper shoes on, but I didn't care I was with Micheal and we were being all lovey dovey, kissing and smooching. The clerk walks out, and says "tennis shoes 4$ a pair", I ignore what we should have bought, and we start walking. Micheal starts running after a few kids, apparently they had stolen his blanket (mind you, right now I'm in homeless girl mode in this part of the dream) and the rain just keeps on pouring down. I'm soaking wet carrying the food we had just bought. At this point I feel as though the events that are happening are completely unnessecary, and I want to find a way home because I know there is something else i should be doing. Micheal and I end up at an airport where we begin walking through the crowd of people. I tell him we are in Chattanooga and I have tons of friends that will let us sleep there because I don't want to sleep in the rain tonight... he says "no you don't, I'm not coming with you". I don't turn back to see if he's behind me, I keep trucking forward. When I get to the end (which turns into the walgreens on Frazier and Market ST) he's not with me and I'm surrounded by people who's faces look familar. I feel a jolt of fear in my body, but I don't let it stop me from walking back. I can do this, I think. I walk back where I came from, and I realize that I have a home in Chattanooga because I live there, and I can get a job and I'm registered for school... all of this satifies my survival needs, but there is still this part of me that feels empty.  There is a hole in my belly that needs to be filled, and Micheal filled that hole, but he is long gone and I don't have time to find him. That's when Will Smith and the Buddhist friend show up.  I scramble to grab my things, and leave the Asain children I was sitting next to, to go see if I can get a ride home. The Buddhist friend assumed that I was working, being responsible.... she believed that. I woke up. Everyone in my support circle absolutely 100% believes that I am more than capable of working, taking responsibility for my life,  and being a contributing member of society.  There is something in me, a block in my scaral chakra (which represents relationships with other people) that is just not allowing me to believe it. The insecurities I have had my whole life have just been stewing there. I was told since I was a teen that the way I expressed myself was too loud, too much, and I needed to calm down, take a breath, and blah blah blah. But what people didn't understand was that was where I was at, and that is what my emotional body feels like, almost all of the time. I remember people telling me what to fix within myself so I could fit in... I would cry because I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I felt as though because all of these insecurities overflow my relationships with other people that I must not be a good person, therefore I don't deserve good friends. I think about all the relationships I've had since I was in high school- and I think about how many of them actually lasted until now. Some have come back to me, some are gone forever. At first it was bi-polar disorder, so they gave me medicine, lots of it. Now, now it's just a matter of me not wanting to grow up, because I'm afraid of how well I'm going to succeed once I just put my mind to it. I have a direction, a clear direction this time. I feel as though I know what I'm "supposed" to be doing this life time. There are still questions though, and I don't want my societial duties to get in the way of my healing of my self. There are answers for that, but what I really mean is that when I go out into society and begin creating relationships in the work place I want to be able to be mature, not take things personally when I am given constructive criticism, and I want to be able to do it right the first time. I want to be good at what I do, because let's face it we live in an approval based society, and that approval is what gets you farther and farther in life. I have had so many opportunities to meet many of the most successful people in the world, I didn't jump on the chance to get to know them on a personal level because I felt as though I wasn't mature enough to actually show them what I can really do.... and I wasn't even performing at the level that I can truly perform at. I feel a sense of frustration because I want to change what approval means, I want to change the way our society works. I want everyone to be accepted where they are, and I want EVERYONE to have a fair opportunity to express themselves creatively and recieve money for it. My mind knows that I am just going to be playing a role in society, and I am not that role, I am a child of God. My emotions don't know that. My emotions take everything in this world as a personal attack toward Olivia. My emotions tell me that I'm not a good enough worker, but I work well enough to get by, so I'll be okay... yet still takes things personally when she doesn't get the trainer position at work. My emotions tell me that my relationships with others are important, and it is personal because those relationships are a reflection of you. My emotions have surrounded me with people that are "better than me" because I have never felt good enough, and those people put me down; they call out my flaws, and tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing, they say that I'm not up to par, that I need to be doing better, because they know I can do better. I cry. I cry because I know that I can do better too, but I don't feel like I can do better. There is a difference between knowing something and believing something. I have a very sensitive emotional body,  the vibrations I work on are low sometimes, I feel guilty because I think of all the times I could have made the mature decision and chose not to because I wanted to stand my ground, I wanted to protect the immature girl in me that acted out for attention, that told people things to hurt them, that didn't sweep properly at work just to say a big fuck you to coroprate America. My mind understands exactly why things need to be done the way they are done, my emotions do not. My emotions are seeking for something, and that something is approval. My emotions want to be approved of. People don't approve of saddness and anger, people don't approve of not doing things correctly, people don't approve of attention seeking manipulative bitches who say things just to stir shit up; they feel as though their buttons are being pushed, or their boundaries are being crossed. My emotions are all of those things, and those are all of the things I would say my past and present friends haven't approved of... I have made messes and I have run from them, I came back and cleaned them up when I was ready, but because I did that I lost friends. I make friends easily, but I don't keep them very well. My mom said "Being perfect is being mature".... becoming mature means becoming completely honest with  what you do to other people in the relationships you have with them. The angry, sad girl that I call my emotional body wants to feel loved and noursished so badly and she is angry, she is angry because she was denied the type of nourishement she truly needed in her younger years. I remember flipping off cameras because I was so mad that my dad left. I was so angry that he hurt my mom, and I was sad that I didn't have a daddy anymore because he wanted to go off and hang out with other people instead, and he wasn't ready to take responsibility for his children. Later in life it became me being mad at both of my parents because my mom denied me a relationship with my father "to protect me". My emotional body tells me that she's mad because she, just as many others, was not given the chance to know a very important part of her. The phone calls when I was a teen were mostly screaming and crying, and eventually there wasn't anything left to say so I just stopped talking to him, and I told people that my Dad was dead. Immature to the max. The little kid in me wants to still be angry and sad that she didn't have a daddy, but my mind knows that if I were to allow my child to stay on this emotional vibration,  the same defiant acts would continue to manifest in other relationships. I have the time and ability to help the angry, sad girl inside of me feel nourished. If anybody is denying the needs of my emotional body anymore, it's me. I'm an adult and I can make my own choices now. The time is now, and it's always now. Until Next Time, -Olivia

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Saturday, June 1, 2013

It's time

We get to this point in our life where we realize that we actually are becoming the voice of society; our generation are the people who are becoming the politicians, the writers, the artists, the singers, the worker bees, and the question is no longer "who will you become" it is "who are you now". I stopped the process of "who will you become" because I felt as though I wasn't on the right path, I wasn't practicing my gift, nor was I on the road to doing something I actually wanted to do. I now have a vision, and that vision is slowly but surely becoming true. One of the main goals I have is to write a novel about my travels in California and along the west coast. Getting the creative energy to flow is easy; all of the memories are there for me to write down, and the story is a beautiful one at that. I'm stuck though, I'm stuck at that crossroads of what happened, what's happening, and what's going to happen. Confusion. Not knowing if my feelings are mine or someone else's. The voices I hear in my head are not very clear, and I don't allow a lot of them to speak fully. Listening to myself. Being honest with myself. Knowing my truth vs others truths. This all factors in to the question of "who you will become". If you don't know yourself you're not going to know who you're going to become, and if you have some sort of idea of what you'd like to do you sure as hell won't be happy doing it if you never figured out what role you were to play in society.  I have many roles I can play, and it's just a matter of believing in myself, being clear with my choices on how to get there, and taking action to do it. It's the motivation, the fire that gets me going. I thought I needed love from another person to get my fire going, then I thought I needed to be pregnant to get my fire going, but now I'm starting to realize that all I need to get my fire going is... well is me. I need to do all of this stuff for myself, because I'm a creative expression of life. I get stuck at "what will others think of me" and "will they understand me", and I usually just blow those questions off, or ignore the feeling that it gives me... I seek approval, because this is an approval based society. Society approves of a lot if you really think about it, considering the amount of roles there are you can play.... and society is going to approve of the roles I'm choosing to play this lifetime. I'm going to be a certified reiki healer, massage therapist, writer, and spiritual speaker.   I can start at any time, and the time is now to start. I am already all of those things, but I'm acutally going to express this to the world.

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