I'm coming home

If you hadn't heard the big news ladies and gents I'm COMING HOME! The funny thing about leaving a place like Chattanooga, is that when you think you're leaving forever, there's that little voice in your head that says to you "nah, you'll be back sooner or later". Throughout this journey I've been to many places that have pulled me in like a vortex would. Arcata, CA was the healing vortex that I needed when I was so stuck in the fear of what I was going to do with my life, and how I was going to achieve it. When you get into the plaza, (the center of town) and see 20+ street hippie kids chilling, smoking weed, drinking brews, and looking for acid it's a bit intimidating. But when you get into the center of the nitty gritty and begin speaking with your fellow brothers and sisters of humanity, realizing they are all there for the same reason you are (to heal), the fear seems to fade away. The redwood trees in the community forest became my family for three months. Could you imagine seeing the aura of a tree so intensely that you had to sit down and just absorb the energy being thrown at you? There is much more to be said about my six month journey, and hopefully a long long book will come out of it when the time is right. The most important lesson learned was that ANYTHING, is possible in life. Let go of all fear, live in the light, the love, the place God made for us forever ago. It's all love. Expect to see me in Chattanooga on Wednesday. :)

stop, look, and listen

I have found myself in many of the same situations time and time again. The surroundings were the same, and even though I was three thousand miles away from the friends I had left behind in Tennessee, the people who I had met were exactly the same. I couldn't quite wrap my head around why in the world I was changing and progressing so much, but my surroundings were not. I would go from town to town and continue to manifest the same "cool shit hippies" I had met before. I must say though, it didn't bother me too much this last time, because I had come to learn to accept this as a part of me. I love hippies, I love acid, I love weed, I love having a good time and talking about world peace and how the government needs to die. Ocean Beach, CA was the last place I thought I would end up on this journey, but I'm sure as hell glad I did; the lesson I learned there catapulted me to the place where I wanted to be. I met a man 5 days after being in Ocean Beach. His name was Q. I was sitting in the park after walking around by myself, wondering what in the world I was doing here all by my lonesome. He caught my eye with his long, blonde hair and beautiful chest. When I looked up to check him out a little more, we locked eyes. "Hi" I said in my sweet southern girl voice. "Hello" his voice reigned heavenly over all of the other people around. It was as if a magnetic pull from his body to mine had gravitated us together in this moment, and as I found myself getting up to go toward him, he put his guitar and backpack down and walked toward me. In the moment of us meeting in the middle we hugged like we had known each other many lifetimes before. It didn't take long for the attraction to set in, and we ending up making love under the stars that night. I was excited because I had just gotten out of a relationship and was in need of some good loving; my egotistical mind (and the actions that were being portrayed by my partner)jumped to conclusions, and even though Q was going to see his mother for the holidays, I knew he would be back and we would begin our lovely relationship together. I continued wandering around Ocean Beach, taking care of the little things I needed to get done, and walking through my mind trying to find the answers as to why I was still suffering. I had made friends, who I later called family, and they all loved me for who I was. Q came back a week later, and it wasn't until the slap in the face he gave me (not literally) did I realize that I was not in OB to do anything but learn about emotional attachments, and God. He quickly saw how I acted toward him, and could tell that in my mind I was considering us dating. I played my manipulative game with him, and that will honestly be the last time I ever do that. Manipulation is a reaction to the fear of loss of love. I wanted to feel love so badly by him, more importantly being on the streets, and homeless, and a pretty girl in a city full of heroin and meth addicts, I wanted to feel protection. He told me we were NOT dating, and we never were to sleep together again. As much as this hurt, I continued to push through, because even though I had no idea what I was doing at the time, I knew there had to be SOMETHING to gain from this experience. Q had all these books. The first one I began reading on new year's eve was written by the Free Masons. It discussed how our relationship to the I Am presence (God) was the ultimate key to unlocking the "secret" to life. I read and read and read, and continued reading for the next 10 days. I started my period, and caught a cold, and continued smoking weed, and cigarettes, and eating junk food, and drinking because everyone else around me was and hell... i wanted to escape my reality for that moment in time. The only thing that kept me alert was my yoga, and the books. The emotional attachment I had to Q was continuing to manifest itself, and I knew deep down that it wasn't what needed to be happening right now, even though I wanted it to happen so badly. I was with two people I had met, taking bong rips of hash in the car when it happened. As we all laid down to go to sleep, I closed my eyes. A purple body with no face popped up in my vision, I had a feeling it was going to take me somewhere, and that it did. I astral projected; it flew me around the universe, and showed me all that needed to be seen. The last stop was a warehouse where more purple people were climbing up and down ladders, and in God's voice I heard them chanting "work harder, work harder, work harder". They wanted to take me down farther, but I jolted up quickly and woke myself up because the fear of leaving my body still exists. The vision stuck with me for the next couple of days as I continued to read A Parenthesis in Eternity, a book that broke down the God Consciousness, saying in order to live a life full of peace, harmony, and happiness we must allow the I Am presence to live through us; we must allow our sense of self (i.e. calling myself Olivia) die. Our ego must DIE. The person that we THINK we are must surrender to the fact that we are not what we think we are. I wanted answers as to how to do this, the book was giving me the answer of being still and silent, but I wanted Q to tell me how. He would say "you must not ask ME anything, I am not of this world, you must be still and silent, you MUST meditate". I wanted to be free, I wanted peace so badly, but mostly I wanted the emotional attachments I had to the hippie culture to disappear because they were holding me back completely from where I wanted to go. I spent hours on the beach by myself, practicing silencing my mind, meditating, and listening to my body for the signs of which emotions I was storing into my body. The day came when God lived through me and I was allowed to witness it. I had smoked weed only once that day, and the high got me to the place where I needed to be. I was on the beach walking through the ocean, and God started signing through me. The most beautiful song came out of my mouth, and Olivia, my ego, was STILL there, yet she was witnessing the Divine living through me. I cried when I realized I had reached that point. I ran and told Q, and appreciated God for giving me someone to share my success with in the exact way that I needed it at that time. I went to sleep that night knowing I was on the right path. When I awoke the next day, I immediately found Q so I could start reading more of the book, hoping to gain more knowledge of God and how to break down my ego so I could live a fulfilled life. I smoked weed once again, and the high got me EXACTLY where I needed to be one more time. I walked off by myself, away from the family, to figure out what was going on. As I got into the ocean, and began hula hooping on the beach God intervened again. The I Am presence took over my body, told me to release all judgements of myself, and just allow the music to flow through my body and hula hoop to the beat. That's exactly what I did. I allowed my body to be used as instrument for God, which is WHAT WE WERE MADE TO DO. I ran back to the wall to tell Q that I had achieved it once more, and more and more understanding was happening as I spoke. I sat down and turned around, to find myself looking at yet another beautiful blue-eyed long brown hair man in front of me. The soul connection was intense. "What's your name" I said with excitement. "Christopher" I jumped off the wall and sat down next to him. We didn't say much of anything to each other, just allowed the energy to flow through us. It was the light, it was pure, it was amazing. I knew I had to know him for a least a while, and that came true. I am now in Yuma, Arizona living with him, his mom, his girlfriend, and her child. Letting go of that emotional attachment I had to the "healthy" ego I had created for myself was the catapult I needed to get where I wanted to be. IF it were not for my determination to become better, to allow God to live through me, I would not be here today. I would have never stopped, looked, and listened to my surroundings. Being in the present moment is the MOST important thing anyone can do if they are wanting change in their life. God lives in all of us, whether we want to believe it or not. Stop your mental chatter, look around as to where you are, and listen to the people around you. We are ALL capable of becoming everything we want to be and more, and the ultimate goal for most is pure happiness. Accept that there is a God power, accept that we have no control over our life, realize that god is in you, realize that having a relationship with the I Am presence (your higher self) is the best thing you can do for yourself. Live in the light, live in the love, enjoy your mother-fuckin life!!! Release all emotional attachments, become what God wants you to become. Until Next Time, -Olivia

is money actually necessary?

So here is the thing. I've been going, and doing, and when I started this journey 6 months ago I was with 6000$+. That money quickly vanished to the habits I had been participating in prior to finding the truth in the word of God, the Divine, Mother Earth, Universal Power, whatever you want to call it. Since the money has been gone I have had little spurts of money pop up here and there, but I have not had a steady income in months. I had created tons of debt in my past life, including almost 20,000$ in student loans. When I talk about money I feel completely numb; just as money probably feels towards humans. Money is a numb energy, it is neither here nor there, up nor down, it just is. I was camping out outside until I met a wonderful man, who can see the light just as much as I can, who decided it was in his best interest, and mine to take me under his wing and give me a home to stay in as long as he possibly could need. Now I'm here, and I'm doing, and i'm living, and i'm going, and i'm learning, and the money subject comes up once more. We as humans have created an outside source (money) to constitute our survival in this world. It has been beaten into our consciousness for centuries that unless we have money, we will amount to nothing in life, we will not contribute to the source of all good, and so on and so forth. Does God see money? Does God say "you need money to meet me"? If that is the purpose of all human existence, to find some way to end up in the state of heaven, nirvana, good karma etc. then why in the hell have we created a piece of paper to value our existence in this world? In the bible it clearly states to live by the Grace of God. God takes care of everything, and speaking through experience God has been taking care of me my whole life. The higher power that is within all of us, and lives through us, and comes to us in many ways, has been guiding me up until this point and will continue to guide me. The question for me right now in this moment, is money necessary for my survival? I have all the things I could possibly need right now, and I appreciate all that is in my vicinity to make my transition into the next level of consciousness. I just can't seem to come to a conclusion on this issue. Part of me wants to force myself to stress out about all the debt I have to pay back, and on top of it the amount of money I "need" to survive, however I know that everything is going to be okay. It's like I want to fall back into the old pattern of NOT trusting the higher Self, and seeing things from a human point of view. If there is anything that I have learned to do it is to completely surrender to the Higher Power, because whatever It wants to have happen, will happen. Money is not an necessary factor to leading a happy life, however it can make life much more comfortable, peaceful, and enjoyable. Therefore, when the time is right, when all the planets are aligned, and everything is ready to shift and change, I know that I will make money in the exact way I am supposed to. I will see all things I do through spiritual eyes, which is the true real. No longer will I look at my past debts as good or bad, I will see them as they are; numbers on a piece of paper. Until Next Time, -Olivia

the process

I have chosen possibly the hardest journey there is to choose in this day and age; the journey to ultimate truth. It's a journey many people have attempted lifetime after lifetime, yet there still seems to be a greater amount of people who absolutely refuse to believe there is a God or higher being at all, than there are to believe there is something. Therefore the question lies in, how can I attempt to explain through words to the world what I know about the world? I guess I should continue on my healing process. There is so much to be said about the past couple days of my life. The conscious changes that have been happening have been phenomenal. It was as though as soon as I let go of all the emotional attachments I was carrying around I found the exact thing I was looking for. Now I'm in a place, a place where I have been before, yet nobody here knows me. I'm uncomfortable in the amount of wealth I am surrounded by. Someone once said to me, if you're not uncomfortable you're not changing. Change is good. I went to San Diego attempting to find wealth in whatever the hell I was searching for, and I came out with 3 new people in my life and in Yuma, Arizona. God sure does work in mysterious ways. I don't really know why I'm here, or what is going to come of it all. Am I running? Not necessarily. Do I know what I'm looking for? Not really. I guess this process is the process of learning trust, and living by the grace of God. It's weird though, once I have surrounded myself by people who have money, I get this feeling in my bones, that I don't belong. More like, they had to work for it,it wasn't just given to them. Why can't we just live? There is a way to do it. I may sound crazy, but I know there is a MYSTICAL way of doing this all. I must tap into it to get what I am actually searching for, which is the truth. WHERE IN THE HELL DID ALL OF THIS WORLD COME FROM? The more and more I read, the more and more I learn, and the more and more I want to keep going. I meditate as much as I can every single day to understand where The Self, or God, came from. It's the "impossible" it's never been done before, but I'm Olivia. I'm up for a challenge. If this is what I signed up for this lifetime, I'm putting all my chips in. Until Next Time, -Olivia

attachments to external objects, becoming internal subjects

I bet you all have been wondering where the in the hell I am, right? I know I have. Sometimes in life you're going about your day, thinking you're going one way, then all of the sudden the wind blows... and when the when blows the direction of the sailboat turns. Well, at least that's what's been happening to me. You see, I was blogging, and I was at my grandmother's hosue, and I call my ex-boyfriend. Calling him would probably be considered a mistake by most, but by me, it was an important learning process. I end up getting persuaded to go back up to Arcata, CA (where I had already been living in the redwoods for 3 months prior my excusion down south to hash it out with the family) and get back together with the young lad I had called my boyfriend. Grandmother bought me a bus ticket, and of course the goodbye was utterly dramatic to say the least; "you're calling him birthday boy? He's using you olivia"! I could see the digust on her face, and it only turned my heart into pure sadness knowing she was living in the fear of it all. I waved goodbye and proceeded to give love and let go, that's the only thing i knew how to do. 2 months later, after 60 whole days of travelling with the boyfriend, we ended up breaking up in Santa Rosa, CA; this time my mother came to the rescue. SHe bought me a bus ticket down here to San Diego, where I am stationed now for the time being. I had never felt emotional pain in the way I felt when the man I loved unconditionally was telling me it was over, always and forever. We had made so many plans for our future, and had gone through such a deep transformation together, my mind could not wrap my head around the idea that we weren't getting married and having kids. I knew something had to be done, I wasn't going to allow this breakup to break me, myself, and I up. I went straight to the body, I turned my mind off, and I felt where the pain was; I felt where the tears were coming from, and the right side of my heart breaking. I cried until I couldn't cry any longer, and it was done. If there was anything I learned from the situation that led me to where I am right now, it was how to let go in a healthy manner; and the funny thing is I am still learning. Emotional attachements are the basis of my problems in my life; whenever it comes to anything that I "feel" upset about its because of the emotional attachment I have to the object or subject at hand. For instance, as I am wiritng this blog right now I clicked a wrong button and it looked as though all of what I had just written ahd gone away. My first HUMAN reaction was to be upset, and second, was to try to figure out how I had did that. Forturnately, because of my training my whole life as to losing things, I was able to let it go, and I clicked the button I thought I had clicked, trusting it would come back to me; and it did. Emotional attachments to creative work is not so much of a problem for me; my creativity flows at all times. Now, now. Don't go about thinking that I am perfect, or that I am trying to present my perfection to you. There is definitely a huge emotional attachment I have and this will be the hardest to let go. My attachments to people. When I say people I don't want to nessecarly use that word loosely, therefore let me define what I mean. I have emotional attachments to my family (my brother and mother), to people that have watched me grow in my learning process (friends, best friends, extended family) and finally I have an attachement to people who I have made love with. What it really all comes down to is the feeling that I have allowed myself to feel throughout my 21 years of life when all these experiences with all these people happened, and it was BECAUSE of that emotional attachment to the people, which created the emotional attachment to the past experiences, that make our PAST real. IT IS THE EMOTIONS WHICH MAKE LIFE REAL. Without those attachments to our feelings how would we remember? Is the memory important? If it is importnant what is it important for? These are the questions I am asking myself, and until I find out the answer I will not be able to see why in the world being attached to your emotions is such a bad thing. I am discovering more and more about myself every single day, and the quest to infinite intelligence is soon to become my reality. There is no reason for the world to fear "The Self" anymore. God is real in ALL aspects of life, and he lies within our conciousness. For anybody reading this; if you are having a hard time in your life, STOP searching outside of yourself and go within; float into the place where space and time no longer exist, and all your answers will be clear. I am talking to myself as well, because we are all students of the one great Master. Until Next Time, -Olivia