Late Nights with kitty, baby, and thunderstorms

I keep waking up at 3am angry as fuck because I'm not having contractions yet; literally that is my initial reaction. I was dreaming that I went to the doctor on Monday and they told me that because her head was low so that means she is ready to come.

Seriously these last few days are building up the anticipation even more, and all I ask is that she comes before January because I would really like more then 16 days with my little girl before I have to go back to massage therapy school. I feel the hormones raging already, and I know that I am going to have to deal with the challenges of a new born baby with grace and gentleness or else I am going to fuck myself up. I should be enjoying these last few days as a single woman with no kids, but I am just so damn ready to start this next phase of my life! The universe is probably giving me time to soak it all in, soak in all of the lessons that I have learned in the year of 2013 and just marvel at how well things have turned out for me.

I know that I am going to have to definitely have a strong sense of authority in myself because EVERYBODY is going to want to tell me what to do, how to hold her, how to feed her, blah blah blah....

hormone reaction: back off bitches, this is MY baby. 
appropriate reaction: thank you for your wonderful advice I will be sure to keep that in mind 

I don't want to be one of those super possessive moms that doesn't allow anybody else to hold Iris (not that that would happen anyway) and I definitely don't want to be one of those moms that just doesn't hold her baby at all (not that that would happen anyway); I am probably going to find some balance between. Also, I'm sick of everyone telling me how "hard" it's going to be... Okay, so I know that being a mom isn't like the easiest job in the world, I'm not flipping burgers at the McDonald's, no. I am teaching a little human all the basics of love, all while learning more about love at the same time. But damn. Let's not make it so scary anymore okay? Let's just recognize that as women we were designed for this hard work, we were MADE to be mama's, so with that being said if I was made to do this, then I'm going to be just fine. It's not that anybody is saying that it isn't going to be fine, but I just always feel this sense of "fuck off" when people want to tell me how I am going to react to the experience of being a mom....

you don't know me, and if you think you know me, then you know that I don't do it how everyone else does it, now do I? 

Now that we have gotten a bit of the hormone rage out of the way here is how it's going to be. I am going to adjust perfectly fine to my little new born baby. I plan on getting her on a good schedule so when I go back to school it will be a lot easy for her to function....

people always seem to forget there is ORDER in CHAOS. 

It's all about mindset, so if I see my new born as something that brings me challenges and such, then that's what I'll get. If I face the sleepless nights with compassion and understanding that this little human being just got to earth and has no idea what's up or what's down, then that's what I'll get in return. Law of attraction at it's finest.

change excites me. 
I think about what the majority of my generation/people my age are doing right now; probably passing out on a friend's couch after a long night of drinking and smoking and doing the do that the 20somethings do, and I am going to be learning how to love on a whole another level. I know I have always wanted to be different, and I may have taken this one pretty far this time, but I know I'm going to do a good job as a mama. The confidence has definitely kicked in, and all of the sudden I feel like my mind knows what to do, THANK GOD. I am pretty excited for this change, I don't want to feel like I am waiting for the discomforts of contractions to get me going, though and I am praying praying praying and asking that she comes before the end of December, please little girl!

they say you find your real friends when a baby comes. 
And ain't that the truth. One of my best friends was officially called it off with me. It hurts, yeah. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass, but I still want to honor the loss that I am at right now. I know that it's for the best, because I don't have time to play these silly little ego games that she wanted to inflict on our relationship every single time we hung out, and it hurts me that she couldn't find a way to just grow up, grow out of it, stop making the illusion real, and recognize the reality of it all. Talk about energy vampires... I forgive her, but there was just a lot left unsaid, and I think that it's just going to have to be that way... because if we try to say anything to each other I will get distracted from my new path and she will just feel emotionally drained and imbalanced. So it is what it is, and I love you all the same, and I know that it's time to go our separate ways.

So here are the things that I am going to focus on:
1. Get a weekend job paying 9-10$ an hour (save money!)
2. Get a reliable, affordable car
3. Find a cheap two bedroom house in St Elmo w/ awesome/trustworthy roommate to share with
4. FOCUS SOLELY ON MY MASSAGE AT SCHOOL DO NOT COMPARE ANYMORE
5. love my baby like I've never loved anything else
6. Show compassion for myself, love myself in all areas of my life
7. Maintain balance in the upcoming events of my new busy ass life


Enough ramblings, rants,raves, and goal setting for this girl here. Signing off.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

rants and raves and tiredness

It's not just me anymore, everyone out there is seeking some sort of truth. People are tired of being lied to, people are angry that they have been taken advantage of and deemed "not worthy" without being given proper chance to even remotely show the "leaders" what we are capable of. On the other end everyone else seems to be afraid for some reason or another... the "leaders" because "their" people (yes, as if they own us) are awakening to the illusion they have portrayed for centuries, and the people because their "leaders" are threatening to no longer support their survival on this planet. What's going on here? I can't help but ask myself, why am I here on earth at this time? There is a lot that I'm feeling today, mostly tired because I'm getting ready to push a baby out, but let me see if I can make any sense of how I feel.

I sat at the DHS office for almost two hours this morning... I need help because I don't come from a family that has money, I am still a student, and I have a baby on the way. I would like to say a lot of people in the world would deem me irresponsible... and honestly I don't give two fucks what anybody else would think about the decisions I have made. As a collective whole we put sooooooooooooooooo much weight on the choices we make, granted something has to be important to us humans or else we would go crazy without having meaning of SOMETHING. But the thing is, people have made bad choices, and I am one of those people, and we shouldn't be put in a category of "less than" because of it. What happened to helping people just because you had enough? Why do all these strings have to be attached? There is such a lack of trust between the government and its people, it's fucking ridiculous. Stop lying to us and maybe we will trust you more.... that seems logical right? Fortunately it's not my job to try and figure out why the hell there is so much distrust in our society, in our world. Fortunately it is my job to find truth within my life, my realm, to take care of my responsibilities, and to not feel fucking guilty for accepting help when it is needed. Trust me, if I have to live here on earth and do this whole thing I want to do as much of it by myself as possible, but don't create a system where only some people win and others lose, create a win-win situation for all to be able to thrive. It's all about love dude, and love is not something that should be kept away, love is not something that should be earned, love is something that should be shared because there is an abundant amount of love in the world, in the universe. It's time to say goodbye to greed, it's time to say goodbye to anger. The revolution begins within; eliminate all of the negativity within you, and the world will be a better place. Evolve.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

Transitions upon transitions

Sometimes when I sit down to write I find it hard to find that true voice inside of me that's screaming to come out; it's like I have to dig to find her. Sometimes I have to force her out, and sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the feeling to write that I just have to gush.

My writer is my introverted side, my deep voice within that sees and feels and loves and laughs and cries all while watching her life pass her by. My writer is my warrior, who will never give up fulfilling her dreams. My writer is my fear-based ego, my writer is my spirit, my writer is my truth. I am my writer, my writer is me. I can move forward from writing about the non-existent fear I feel.... It's interesting because I may "feel" the fear, but I know that the fear is not the truth, fear is just a side effect of not knowing the truth. I find more truth in myself each and every day, and with this truth the fear seems to disappear. People are afraid of the truth, because it may actually set them free. I used to be one of those people.

TRANSITION. 

I can look at my life and say that I have been on "this" particular journey since the day I was born, and that would be true. Throughout this journey there have been check points, and one of the most recent check points started when I was nineteen years old; when I started tripping a lot of acid and mushrooms as a result of me getting kicked out of Agnes Scott College. From that person I became a wild child for two years, and when I was 21 I finally decided to stop running from my responsibilities by, well running from my responsibilities to go take care of the one of the most important things, myself. Above all else I needed freedom from the responsibilities that I wasn't taking care of in order to find some sort of inner peace in myself because the pressure was weighing down, and I felt like I was at the bottom and there was nowhere to go but up, and I had to fully hit the 3 dimensional rock bottom of being homeless, to un-ground, to re-ground.

I started the transition of awareness taking the masculine approach first; I had to master my mind to even to begin to feel spirit in my heart. Positive affirmations, conquering the voices in my head that I was holding onto; there was a point last year where I heard my mother's voice in my mind screaming at me "you're not good enough!" I heard her voice, and that was the day that I just let it all go. That was the day that I said fuck it, that was the day that no longer would I hold hate in my mind. Because of this I found spirit in my heart.

I am now sitting here on December 18, 2013 at 10:02pm, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Iris Athena is her name, and she has come here to restore peace in my life. Her energy is vibrating high, and it's truly so surreal that my emotions, my body, my mind, my heart went into growing a tiny human; her spirit is enlightened and pure, beautiful as the rainbow she uses to travel from the underworld to heaven. My transition of the masculine energy within myself last year has brought me to this point to what is about to be another intense transition; my feminine transition, my initiation into the feminine energy.... giving birth. I am aware of how deep of a transformation this is going to be, and I am immediately casting out all fear. What a beautiful thing it is to be able to have two deep transformations so close to each other. Throughout being pregnant I have learned so much as to what my body needs as a woman, as a human. I have discovered how important it is to really be mindful of what you are putting in your body because it does effect your emotional state; if your body is working too hard to digest things, or if it is filled with things that it doesn't need, or if does not have enough of what it needs it will cause dis-ease,thus causing imbalance physically, and in many cases emotionally. Nourishment is key to a healthy, happy physical and emotional state. Meditation and awareness is key to a healthy, happy spiritual and mental state. The mind and body can work together as one, and when they are doing so the better and better life gets. I am an example of this, I am going to continue to live my life this way.

Letting go, or rather moving forward, is always a part of the journey. Iris is about to move forward from womb to earth, I am about to move forward from my 19 year old emotional state, predominately masculine based, to my 22 year old emotional state, predominately feminine based. It's going to be a beautiful transition  in all honesty; I am able to do this the way that I want to thanks to a lot of things. Every way that I receive  I am so grateful, and right now I have a lot of financial support until I am able to legally make money as a massage therapist and then I will be able to give and receive all in one. I will still receive support for schooling, and that is definitely NOT a bad thing. Moving forward from hating on the government and all they do, and truly appreciating the amount of wealth they dish out on my behalf as a single mother, student taking all of the necessary steps to establish freedom, individualism, and the ability to use MY creative energy to give to the system. That is completely possible. I am not going to stay on welfare for long, I will overcome this just as I overcome everything else. Patience is key. I have all of the time I need. I will produce results in the investments I have made. I will pay back all of the money that I have borrowed from the government in some way. For some reason I really feel the need to affirm and voice that here on my blog, I think once us as a people stop hating the government, bashing them for all the wrong decisions they make, then something will change. They are taking on too much responsibility for any humans to deal with successfully, and I do believe its up to us to show them that we don't need them, and in us showing them that we don't need them something will have to change. But right now, I need the government. I need them to give my money so I can go to school, eat food, buy diapers, I need the government to help me out right now... and then once I have my job working and giving 4 massages daily as a massage therapist (which I am making happen right now) I will be able to take responsibility for my own survival in this system.

This is me staying the course, this is me affirming that positive things are going to happen, and this is me finishing my ramblings and going to sleep.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

How Much Am I Worth in One year?

This question popped into my head as I am deciding how much I want to make as a massage therapist within the first couple of years. What the number really came down to was how worthy am I as a massage therapist. Here's a little bit of creative logic for your day.

According to many spiritual teachers, gurus, meditators, lovers, and positive thinkers worth comes from within; the abundance that we want and acquire on the outside is in fact a physical manifestation of our creative power on the inside; abundance is having the ability to do what you need to do when you need to do it. What many people do not realize is that if able to tap into the God Source within, us humans become infinitely abundant. I am on a journey to fully manifesting my infinitely abundant self, and I am now realizing what it means to feel worthy. I do have to look at myself and see how much I have to offer.

First things first, I know that I am abundant enough to have what I need to have in order to survive, and I don't have to work too hard to get that. This is an accurate picture of where I am right now, and where I am going to be in the next coming months as I continue the journey. I figured people out there who want to create abundance might want to see how a student-single-mother manages her finances...

December 2013-February 2014
1. Housing: free
2. electric/water: free
3. food: free
4: phone: 65$ per month
5: transportation: 50$ a month
6: cloth diapers: 15$ for 10 pack new born

February 2014-August 2014 major expenses:
school refund check: 5,439$ tax credit: TBA (hopefully @ least 1000$)
1. court costs/expungement fees: 866.76$
2. doula costs: 760$
3. Mblex Test: 195$
4.Massage License: 400$
5. Car Insurance: 472$
6. LicenceFee: 165$
7. Reliable Car: 2000$
8: funds for miscellaneous fees: 580.25$


After finishing school my intention is to land a job making at least 19,000$ a year which will allow me to pay for rent, bills, gas/car maintaining, baby, and saving money to pay off debts. Calling upon the universal powers, the stars, the ascended masters, angels, gods, and goddesses of all kinds to guide me in the right direction, show me the path that is aligned with you, and allow me to co-create with Divine Order.

The question has been answered, after one year of training in massage school I am worth 19,000$ a year. :)

emotional ramblings of yours truly

I need to feel these emotions, I can't be afraid of them. If I don't feel them I will never grow. They flow through me like the ocean tide pulling back and forth. Sometimes the energy begins to feel overwhelming, and my world begins to shake, and I am not too sure as to what's happening, but the vibrations within my intuition help my eyes perceive this world as something truly miraculous. It feels like I am constantly telling myself the same things over and over and over and it is the utter frustration that my higher self is probably one of the most fucking confusing things I have ever encountered. I am frustrated that I will never know.... that I will never know what love is.... I will always see love as something separate of me. I will always see love as something that needs a two in order to make the one. I guess I'm just asking myself what I want from myself, because the only person who is capable of giving me a peace of mind is me.

Actor 1: teaches me love without attachement.
 Actor 2: teaches me jealousy and posseiveness=fake confidence
When you're not trying to make anything, the times when you want to try the most but you don't have any sense of knowing what difference your move will make for you and those around you, who do you ask for help? Do you ask for help? Are you worth knowing? What really matters? It physically frightens me to think that actor 1 and actor 2  could potentially have sex, that is a possibility but does that actually mean the stars are aligned that way- wait I need to stop myself. I mean I understand that this is important for growth, but how much of this actually matters? It matters because I need to berid myself of these feelings of fake confidence, jealousy, and possessiveness. "You don't own me, and I don't own you"

Everyone has their own sexual energy. Everyone creates things in their own ways. The way I interpret sex... I don't think it's dirty, I think it needs to be done in a very specific way. I think there needs to be loved involved. I think it needs to be treated as sacred, and I have no fucking idea how to do that. Well, I thought I did know how to do it... or at least I thought the bible told us how to do it... is that the "right" way to do that? Or is is what feels right for you? Okay I've had both; Can love only be shared between a man and a woman? A lot of people have their definition of love, it's all one...

I don't know if it's just the way things work, or if I have to see what I want before I can have it. Is too much of me to ask for the relationship I see.... seeing is believing, right?

Things I would like to avoid:
1. feeling smothered
2. feeling jealous
3. feeling possessive
4. feeling angry
5. feeling sad
6. feeling confused
7. feeling as though I have a lack of understanding
8. feeling unloved
9. feeling fake
10. feeling unsure of my decisions, but still continue to make the wrong decisions
11. using my ability to fuck things up for myself/other people in spite
12. feeling as if there isn't a solution to the problem I have


It's funny because learning who you are is a huge fucking life long journey.... it's eternal, and I am beginning to understand that life=love=learning=eternity.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

To my faithful followers!

It has been quite some time since I have last dropped a note, but now that Christmas break is here I have some time to get down to the dirty dirty and let you all know what the skinny is! 

First and foremost, I am so grateful for the journey of pregnancy and I cannot wait for it to be over! In 12 days my baby (maybe) will be here, and the beautiful person that I have transformed into has filled me with confidence that I will be an amazing mother. As I recount the steps that I took to get where I am today, and as I can nostalgically look back and realize how far that I have come I give myself a huge pat on the back; if you all have learned anything from me and my "struggle" I hope it's that you can overcome adversity with a little elbow grease and a positive attitude. 

As I approach giving birth and following in the foot steps of many of my sisters, I am reminded of the rite of passage I am passing through; women have been the vessel of physical life since the beginning of time, and I am now making the journey into womanhood. One of the documentaries that pushed me to give birth naturally and NOT in a hospital was The Business of Being Born; just like everything else in the world, things got mixed up and throughout the past 200 years giving birth has gone from something women do naturally to something women now use tons of medicine to get through. As a true nature girl I was already in the mindset of honoring birth on a sacred level, and watching the documentary (done by Rikki Lake) only confirmed my beliefs. Birth is probably as close to death someone can get while living, and being a woman I get to experience it. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. Natural birth is the way to go, and after I give birth I will write a blog on my experience. 

on another note. 

Massage therapy school and interacting with people who aren't very much like me but I still have to tolerate them have taught me three of the most important lessons anybody and everybody needs to learn this lifetime. 

compassion: Anger needs compassion in order to manifest into love. The lower vibrations need this loving, positive vibration in order to heal. I have grown and moved into this space of fully practicing compassion for myself, having a sense of understanding of the emotions that I feel and loving them, forgiving them, and letting them go. 

always being true to me: I walked into that classroom one person, and I have grown so much into the person that I have always been/need to be. Somewhere along the way in these last five months it stopped mattering what anybody else thought about me, it only mattered who I was on the inside; once I started allowing that girl to come out the easier it got to allow everyone else around me to be who they were. 

integrity: acting with honest intent is probably one the greatest lessons that I have learned. It brings me closer with the source more and more each day when I am able to fully express what my intentions are, and honestly speak. 

Have more gratitude, and you will see more results. Give more love and you will receive more love, giving and receiving are the same thing. The next time I write I will have a sweet precious baby girl in my arms. 

Until Next Time, 

-Olivia 

There's something about it....

You guys might already know what I'm talking about. Have you noticed any recent changes in your life lately? Maybe just a way you've been feeling, or even a way you have never felt before? It's the moon.

According to astrologists (and other spiritual astrologists out there in the world) the moon represents the ego. With the recent lunar eclipse of the moon and a new cycle beginning (and not to mention that I'm about to pop a baby out in two months) I have been focusing a lot of my light on the relationships I have with people. There are quite a few parts of me that have different opinions of what I want and need in a friendship and in a life partner. 

1. The "I Need" Girl
I have come to the conclusion that I am a human. Yep, that's right folks, no matter how much I would like to believe that I am some spirit floating around exisiting in another time and space, I must be honest with myself. I must recoginze that I am a human being with needs, and when those needs are not met I am lacking nourishment. With the current events of my relationships going on in my life I am realizing that I must say what I need in order to feel nourished. There is a part of me that needs her space from it all; she needs her room to breathe, but more importantly she needs her room to fully express her creative self in the flesh. When it comes to love, I need to be affirmed that I am loved, that I am a good person, that I am doing it right; I need my lover to say those things to me in order for me to feel loved. 

2. Nourishing Myself
Although I forgive them all (and I really do), my family absolutely sucked at making me feel nourished and loved; maybe when I was a baby I felt it and that's why I can feel it now, but I know that when I became a teenager, I REALLY needed to be told that my creative energy was positive, I REALLY needed to be told that I was loved a whole lot more than I was; i felt neglected. Because of that I started talking to myself in that way, saying that I was a horrible person who didn't deserve love and blah blah blah. Luckily that's changed, but I'm realizing how much of this talk has effected my emotional body... I'm realizing that I really need to listen to my body because she straight up knows what I need, and when I listen she tells me.

I'm determined to make healthy, long lasting relationships in my life, and I want to be able to do so with a man who I will call my husband one day. I want to find out what I need in order to develop long-lasting love in my life; I want to make the space for it. The time is already set. I am working towards it. I'm learning more and more each day.

Until Next Time

-Olivia

Becoming the Now

I don't think I can even count the amount of times a day that I leave the now moment... It's funny because my body is automatically in the now; always where it needs to be, but it's my mind that wants to wander far out into the abyss and dwell on the past or fear the unknown future. I drive myself crazy. I have been meditating and doing yoga consistently for about a year now, and I have to remind myself everyday "it has taken you 22 years to become this way, and it will take you time to no longer be this way... change is a process, it takes time". I'm not nessecarily frustrated with the circumstances that I am in, because honestly my "now" moment is me sitting in the computer lab at school writing this blog, it's the past events of this weekend that want to sneak up on me and ask "how did that happen" or the expected arrival of my child that wants to make me fearful of the future.

I recoginze, and am continuing to recgoinze how important it is to mindfully tell myself "be here now, Olivia". Our mind has the ability to look at the past and future for a reason, and I can't tell you that reason, but it definitely becomes a problem when one completely forgets about what's happening in the now. A lot of where my anxiety comes from is pondering about the future and how it's all going to happen, not trusting the unknown circumstances of how life may or may not unfold, and remembering the awfulness that has happened in my life due to my lack of poor decision making. I must say, I'm getting better, and I have been getting better, but I want to become the NOW. I want to be able to just fully embrace the now moment in all times and space, not precieving my past actions as bad, and not wondering about the future that has yet to come. Only time will tell how my past has created my future, and only the now will create a good future for me.

There is more that I want to right about the Now moment, and I will come back to this as soon as possible.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

just so you know

You may be sitting around watching Breaking Bad, or maybe you're just now getting home from a long day of college classes and are ready to smoke a bowl with your friends... I'm sure I've crossed your mind at least once today, so let me update you on what's going on in the Life of Liv. :) 

1. I took pictures of my baby bump this morning. 

Yesterday, I switched doctors and now my mom's doctor is going to be delivering my baby. Of course my mom told me to see her in the first place, but it was not until my yoga teacher told me to see Dr. Angevine that I decided to make the switch. 10 weeks and 5 days until my baby girl is going to be here, and man oh man that journey is going to rock my world for the rest of my life. I still can't believe that she's even made it this far.... 

2. I gave Kalika a massage today. 

I must admit, I've been in school for a month and a half and I'm finally starting to get the hang of things. I recognize my room for improvement in the massage I give, and although I feel that little amount of fear because I'm not too sure if I'll have a well enough paying job when I get out of school to take care of Iris and I, but I know that's just the fear of the unknown. Kalika made me realize that I have to think with my hands, not with my intuition. My intuition is there already, now I have to let my hands tell me what to do, which is why I'm going to school. Although the learning environment can be strenuous sometimes because of there are 19 other people learning with me, and they all have their own journeys, and I want to keep my eyes focused and centered on my journey, I am enjoying it a lot. I am going to make it my goal to focus my eyes on myself, and to focus my hands on the body that I'm touching. I want to be good at this. I want to be really good at this. 

3. Fly Free Fest is on Friday!! 

I am very excited to be in the festival environment again, it's been since June and the time has come! It's going to be a great time, and my two friends are coming with me and i'm just all around excited. :) 

Life looks good, life is good, and I can't wait until I'm a point in my life where I am financially stable enough to be paying all of my bills (house, phone, electric, water, car insurance, gas, iris fund, student loans, and debts) AND am able to keep up with the CEU's I want to do for massage AND have enough money to maintain all of the things I have. I'm going to get there. I want to get there. I will get there. 

Until Next Time, 

-Olivia 

confessions of my inauthentic self

I went to bed with the feeling of anger and rejection lingering over me.

Why is it that I am always put in situations where I am either going to have to reject someone or someone is going to have to reject me? I know that I need to be true to myself, I need to really understand what I need to thrive emotionally, phsyically, mentally, and spiritually, and I am in need of a life partner who can understand this, but this trial and error process of me finding someone who can last a lifetime is becoming a truly life long lesson.

I have this book called spiritual astrology, and ever since I've gotten it I have been able to align my life more and more each day to God's will and what the One wants me to do in order to fully manifest it's undying, unconditional love in the earth plane. The lessons that my soul has come down here to learn pertain to jealousy, possessiveness, detachment, love without attachment, and objectivity. This seems to make sense because I have felt this horrible feeling of clinging on to people, situations, things and feeling jealous when I was ignored and being extra possessive over my friends. I have felt this need to be detached to situations, but it has been an ABSOLUTE struggle for me to do so because I am so afraid of losing my friends. I see how my egoic fears in this lifetime pertain to what my soul has come to let go of, and I am MORE than willing to let go of them, in fact I am taking the nessecary steps in my life TO let go of them.

I'm tired of feeling overly attached to situations, because frankly it causes distractions to the purpose of my life, it causes havoc and chaos in my emotional body, and it makes me feel horrible on the inside. For instance, I'm in this situation right now where I am "dating" this guy. We just started hanging out and at first I was not attached to him at all, but of course the deeper I have gone into this "relationship", the more and more my demons have come out and the more and more he is seeing my jealous, over-attached, inauthentic self manifest in the flesh... and I am just done. I'm done feeling this heavy burden of emotional weight thinking "is he going to talk to me today, am I going to see him, I have to find a way to see him...." it's horrible. I feel fucking horrible when I allow those emotions to start flaring up. It's like I have rhemtoid arthirits in my emotions, and when jolts are triggered it's as though it's the que for my inauthentic self to just manifest fully. I have to stop this. I have to let this go. I have to learn how to love without attachement. I have to let go of the jealousy and possessiveness I feel, thinking that the person only loves me for what I can give them... what if they just love me because I'm me? Isn't that a possibility?

I read two articles this morning about surrender, and I am so ready to do just that. I'm done playing these games in my mind; I'm done feeding the monster of jealousy, possessiveness, and attachement. I have a daughter to think about... and that's the thing, if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone I have to make sure that I can show my daughter how to have a healthy relationship first and foremost, and I have to make sure that person is going to know and be willing to have a relationship with little Iris, because we're a package deal now... and if you're not down with that, on to the next because I'm doing this thing right, and that's that.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

I might be crazy

Yep, that's right... me, Olivia Madlock, might be crazy. So to further this, let me fist post the google definition of what crazy means.

crazy: mentally deranged, esp. as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. OR extremely enthusiastic.

I think people would probably consider me mentally deranged if they heard about the dreams that I had, found out that I believed in ancient aliens, other worlds, and actually attempted to make heaven a reality on earth. I get so fucking pissed off when I realize that the institution I'm living in completely looks down upon anybody knowing anything about the truth... I need to stop because this rant isn't going to make much sense.

So here is where I'm at. I have been exploring the 4th demension, which is the magical world. In this magical world is where the fight between good and evil begins, and you can reach this magical world through astral projection, which I have experienenced. I recently learned about the 5th demension, which is the miraculous world, the first level of Heaven. In this world there is nothing but good things.... I got my way to the magical world through prayer, letting go of 3rd demensional ideas that would have held me back, and believing that it was real.... and talking about it with my friends, who in fact may be crazy too because they believe what I believe too. Anyway, so we all recently found out about the 5th demension, after existing in the 4th demension for sometime, and we have decided to take the voyage into the unknown to get where we need to be in order to experience Heaven on earth i.e. the miraculous world.

Of course, when jumping demensions, you face many challenges. The first always being the fear of the unknown; you litterally just have to believe that this place exisits, you have to know that by saying you're going to the 5th demension you'll get there, and you have to just have faith. Once you get past your fear of the unknown, there then begins the transformation of the self you thought you were into the self you are actaully supposed to be; your true authentic self, your self that was made in God's image. This self of yours is your soul, and is dying to manifest outwardly in the 3rd demension, but is waiting for your mind, heart, and action to be aligned so it can create through you. You see the mind and heart and intuition have been tainted over the millieniums of human existence, and many things have been created that are not the REAL nor do they speak of any real.... and this is where I want to scream.

Why in the world did we have to make it so hard for us to just be our true authentic selves? Why do we have to struggle so much to just be who we were supposed to be in the first place? I was born into this world and since the BEGINNING I was told that I needed to be this, and this, and this, and this and this, and I feel like nobody gave me the fucking room to find out who I was REALLY supposed to be this lifetime. I get overwhelmed with feelings of vulnerabilitiy, which isn't a bad thing, but the anxiety that comes with it is what makes me crazy. I know that I can't look outside of myself to know who I really am, but when I feel so anxious and covered in horrible feelings I NEED to look outside of myself to figure out what the fuck I'm actually trying to tell myself on the inside. Turmoil just boils over because I am trying so damn hard not to step on people's toes, not to run from myself anymore, and all I want to do is feel peace.

Scene change: Here is why I'm crazy. I may or may not have gotten pregnant by a schizophrenic homeless person who lives in another world and thinks that he has some sort of control over me.... (it is totally okay to laugh at this, because I'm laughing too). When it comes to accepting love I am absolutely terrified and that's when I start feeling this anxiety, and then the person that I am dating has to deal with my flightiness of "maybe we shouldn't do this" because I'm too damn afraid to see where it may or may not go... My belief in other worlds makes me see things, makes me see other light beings. I can see other people's higher selves if they are shining, I see flashes of black when bad energy is around, I see flashes of white when good energy is around. My inutition is VERY sensitive, and controls my emotional responses to things. I used to be addicted to drama when I was a kid, I watched way too much Laguna Beach. I don't think the person that I behave as now is actually who I am, I think that my true authentic self is just itching to come out but I have to break down my ego so she can actually be set free. I know that the person I truly am is a beautiful, divine expression of life... and I'm not hating on my ego, she's doing the best she can do with what she knows, but the truth is she doesn't know enough to make it through this world  like soul knows. Soul has done this many times before, soul has gained a ton of wisdom from the many journeys she has been on.... so I'm done trying to be this ego person. I surrender to the soul exisiting within me, I surrender to the light within me. I no longer fight my true authentic self, I just allow her to shine. I'm tired of feeling anxious, I'm tired of feeling disconnected from source, I just want to be the light and love so I can share my light and love.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

here we go

Coming into my last trimester of this long transformational journey of being pregnant, I am starting to realize the amount of things that I am going to have to change about my lifestyle in order to provide the best possible life for my little girl...

and i am scared as fuck.

Did I really sign up for this? Am I really even ready for this? I mean, okay so I know I can do it, and I know it has been done by girls who are younger than me, and 22 is a pretty normal age to start popping out babies... but when I think about the way I live, and I think about the things I've done, I realize HOW MUCH THIS IS ABOUT TO CHANGE ME. And change is not a bad thing, it's not a bad thing at all. I am ready for the crying, and the changing of diapers, and the watching her sleep, and the making sure she has a person that I trust watch her while I finish massage school... but I don't know if my brain is ready to start thinking about this little human 24/7, at all times.

but i am really excited.

When I think about her actually being here, and me holding her, and telling her that she is safe and loved, and watching her grow, and putting clothes on her, and doing her hair, and cooking dinner for her, and making sure she drinks enough water, and breast feeding... all those things that come with being a mother really excite me. I think about when she is 2 or 3 or 4 and how she is going to start talking like me.... ahpwearuiawieourpewoiruawpeoriuewpoqiru.dvjkhadklpg!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY REALITY RIGHT NOW! I, Olivia Claire Madlock, former party diva, homeless living, acid tripping, bonnaroo going crazy hippie chick, am going to be a mom!! A MOTHER. what.the.fuck. She is going to be here in three months. I'm going to push a baby out of my vagina?!?!??!?!?! I'm going to raise my baby alone, without her father around?!?!??!?! I have no idea, absolutely no fucking idea, what to except. I am litterally just hoping and praying that I am going to have all the help I need, I'm going to take care of myself in the way that I need to be taken care of, and I'm going to take care of her in the way that she needs to be taken care of.

Its really not a matter of "am I going to do this" anymore, the decision has been made for me, and was made far and long ago... this is the path my soul chose. My daughter and I are going to share a crazy cool bond, and I know when she rebels as a teenager, just as I did, I will do the best I can to just make sure she is safe. I don't want to spank her, I don't want to yell at her, I really just want to love her, and give her disicpline in loving ways. This is my journey. This is my journey as a parent. It doesn't matter if anybody else thinks I'll be good at it or not, and my intentions are nothing but pure. I vow to always provide a peaceful, loving enviornment for Iris, I vow to always provide stability, I vow to always provide her basic needs, and I am going to do the best I can do to teach her the things that she needs to know about herself, and about the world so she can go out there and be amazing. I vow to let her know that it is okay to express emotions, and it is okay to cry, and when you cry that means it's gone forever, and God's light will fill you back up with unconditional love. I will let her know the truth about me, I will share the truths I know about the universe, I will allow her to be her true authentic self, never trying to change her, giving her freedom to create. I will teach her the boundaries (even though she will know from the beginning that she is a limitless being) of the Earth plane, and she will know to respect them. I will teach her to challenge her peers in a healthy way, and I will teach her how to stand up for what she believes in because the time is always now to spread the light... THE TIME IS ALWAYS NOW TO SPREAD THE LIGHT.

Iris Athena Madlock come Decemeber (insert date here) 2013, you will come into this world, and I will laugh, cry, and feel the ultimate rush of hormones release from my body when you are born. You will know your grandma and you will even know your grandpa, you will know your dad and his side of the family too. So many people love you, and even though you already know me as your mom, I promise you Iris, I will be more than a mom, I will be a friend too.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

late night healing is good for the soul

I've come to the realization that it's not even the fact that my mother wasn't there for me when I was a child, it was that she didn't take care of herself well enough to provide for my emotional needs for me when I was a teenager causing havoc and chaos in the home up until I left for college. I have a huge scar on my heart from the amount of times I was called a bitch, whore, cunt, motherfucker. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of calling her all those names too, and she probably hurts to know that her daughter has so much beef with her, but this stops now.

I forgive my mother for being insufficient to my needs later in life. I know that she was not taught the best way to deal with her emotions either; if she was even taught at all. This is not just a problem in my family, it is a problem in the world. I know that there are many parents out there that were not taught how to take care of themselves, and went on to raise children, and did the best that they could to take care of another life. I realized how important it is for me to be fully committed to my total health not only for my well being but also for the life that I am bringing into the world. It is my duty as a mother to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. That means meditating, doing yoga, writing about my feelings, being honest with myself, and just fully overcoming the anxiety and worry that I allow to manifest in my life. If I can help it Iris will be armed with the BEST tools to deal with her life, and hopefully one day she will say that I was a great example of how to live and base her model on me. I saw that my mom's life was NOT the best way to do it, and I had to go out and find my own way. I don't hold a grudge for that, but I know that I can do a much better job with my daughter. I know that I can truly give her what she needs as long as I truly give myself what I need.

I want to find out my true dietary needs, I want to discover what it takes to truly heal my emotions, I want to live in a miraculous world where even in times of chaos I am able to stand tall as the wall of water washes over me and know that everything is going to be okay. I want to get over the emotional issues I have with my mother, with women. I want to get over the emotional issues I have my father, with men. It's NOT worth it to me to carry on the pain of what they may or may not have taught me. It's not worth it to me to carry on the guilt I feel for being a bratty teenager. It's just not worth it anymore. I want to feel abundant, and use the abundance of knowledge that I have to make my life, to make my daughter's life, better.

If there is anything I can do for Iris I know it's that I can be totally and completely honest with her about things that have happened in my life, in her father's life (from what I know), and our relationship that we had. She will know that she was loved by both of us, and she will know that it was never her fault. I will be more sensitive to her needs, because I am more sensitive to my needs. This is my promise to myself. This is my promise to my daughter. This is my promise to life. I chose to learn this way this lifetime, and I am so thankful for the gift that I have. Whatever it takes for me to feel on top of my game at all times I will do. Society asks us to bring out the best in ourselves for the sake of us and others. I am probably going to be tired at school, but I know that I'm going to make it through. I would have rather woken up and gotten this out than laid in bed tossing and turning, antagonizing myself over how I need to feel guilty for not inviting my mom to a party, for "dropping the ball" with Micheal... because that's nothing to feel guilty over. I'm still learning, and the great part is I'm wise enough to actually learn from my mistakes and apply spirituality to the emotions so I can heal this shit. It's not worth it to carry around the restraints of guilt,  and I know that nobody wants me to feel bad about myself.  Learning how to communicate my feelings properly and effectively to my mother, to women, to others will be a lesson learned. I understand the seriousness of life, and the power of choice and what we can do with it. I understand how important it is to portray my true authentic self to the world, otherwise I will be criticized for my actions. I appreciate my ability to learn this at a young age of 22 so I set in the habits now.

I am aware of what I need to do in order to live up to the high expectations society and others hold to me, the high expectations I have for myself. I can do this. I can be my best self. I am my best self. I can manifest my best self.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

Update

Due to the fact that I know myself well enough to know that I am incapable of dealing with loss in an emotionally balanced way I have decided to keep my daughter. I didn't realize that the loss and pain that I was going to put myself through would be so intense. I had a glimpse of this pain on Monday night after my first (awesome) day of massage school. I went home and imagined not being pregnant anymore, and missing my daughter so much for just not being in my belly... that brought on the tears. Then when I realized that the decision I was making, to give my baby away to people that I didn't have any idea about except a book, was going to effect me more negatively, cause me so much more pain, than it would help me. I realized that it would be MUCH easier for me to change the few things about my already "broken" self and make them better because I would have a reason to make them better, than it would for me to deal with the mass emotional pain adoption causes.

Her name is going to be Iris Athena. Iris is the Greek Goddess that brings heaven and earth closer together. She travels between the underworld, earth, and heaven by rainbow. Athena is the Greek Goddess of wisdom. The initials of her name are going to be IAM, representing the I AM presence of God. <3 <3 <3

Massage therapy school has started and I know that I am totally on the right path; I already love the profession I am going into. It has allowed me to truly focus on the light within me, which feels great. I feel the balance kicking in, and although I can no longer enjoy the refer (R.I.P. Mary Jane) I am still willing to explore the darkness.... I think it's kind of a good thing though, that I can't smoke weed. I tend to get lost in the darkness, and when I get lost I want to get as far away from this world as possible. I have to stay the true course that my soul came down here to work.

In school, we keep referring to Jesus; our teacher says that we're not healers, we're not Jesus. My instant reaction is "we're not Jesus... yet". There is an opportunity for all of us to become as powerful a healer as Jesus, and of course you have to be chosen to do that, but in the bible it did say something or other about how "I and my Father are One", which to me represents that God exists within me and I have the chance to become Him fully manifested. More and more keeps making sense to me, but it is not fully ready to be shared... and I know how important it is not to push the creative process within. Massage is definitely going to help me release a lot of emotional pain that I carry around... being touched every day is really nice. It's like I'm going to be training my hands to find the pain, and pull it out to the best of my ability. It truly is a spiritual thing, massage. Almost everyone in my class has some sort of understanding of God.... and the great part is they are all open to learning more. I've just begun walking down a great path, and I can't wait to see where it takes me.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

taking the necessary actions

Discombobulated is the word that comes to mind right now. Lack of inner peace. Struggling through my fears, approaching the surface, and breaking through the pain to see the light. I get criticized so much, day in and day out. Why do I subject myself to such things? Positive criticism is good, and I have friends that I do that with. There are friends that criticize me based on the actions that I portray to them, and then there are friends that criticize me based on the decisions that I have made for my life.

This morning I was told that it was wrong of me to give my baby up for adoption, in fact it was selfish. When I get overwhelmed with emotions I know that I am not being my true authentic self, and I know that my intuition is not functioning properly. It is very important for my intuition to be aligned with the true authenticity of my self or else I will lead myself astray. When I try to cater to others' emotional issues, forgetting that I am a sensitive being that feels much more than the average person. I feel so much that it causes me physical pain, sometimes so much that I have to lay down until it passes through. I evoke the emotional pain through my strong arrogant human nature sometimes; lack of willingness to back down, listening to others and giving them credit where it is not due.

I want to be emotionally healed so I can heal others emotionally as well. I want to feel as though I have a sense of belonging in the world, isn't that what everyone is searching for? Are your criticisms actually helping me? Are your intentions to hurt me when you say those things to me? We, as humans, play emotional games with one another. We create these scenarios within our minds, and act them out through our intuition. There must be a better way to relate to one another, and I know that I have seen another way for people to live. I want to get to that level of financial, emotional, and overall inner peace where I am just there and I know that it is okay. I want to be completely honest with myself and release all unnecessary actions that portray my character as something other than what I truly am, or can be. I want to let go of the things that are not meant for me.

I find such difficulty in actually wanting to live a financially stable life, because I'm so used to not being stable in that way. I'm so used to getting free food from the church, and eating unhealthy because that's all I can afford, but my spirit desires something better for me... I desire something better for me. I have to go what's emotionally grained in me, I have to re-write my sacral chakra, and I have to be confident in my skills to budget, my skills to make money and be a professional, my skills to take responsibility for the debts I have created and pay them off. I have to know how to save money (something that I have never done before) and I have to know how to ultimately manage my money in a responsible way. I can't just go out and blow money on things that I want in the moment, I have to say it for things that I will get me to that place of peace, that place where I want to go. The scariest/stressful part is that I have to make enough money to do all the things that I want to do. I can't live this way anymore. I'm done being impoverished. I choose to tap into the abundance that exists within me. I choose to manifest my true, responsible being... I choose to be mature.

I guess the first step is admitting to the bad habits that I have. I blow money on weed, eating out, etc. when what I really want to be doing is saving that money to move to California. I write out a budget but then I don't stick to it. I borrow money, with no intention of paying it back and just allowing the debt to occur. I don't take into account the necessary expenses, and always end up cheating myself and not nourishing myself in the way that I had planned. The way I handle my money is immature, irresponsible, and downright horrible. I have to fix this part of me. It's not something that can be changed overnight, and I definitely am willing to do the work to get where I need to be. The journey has just begun.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

It's kind of about the money...

Alright, so bear with me as I try to find out where this feeling is flowing from. I need to get this off my sacral and heart. I feel the block there, and I hear the thoughts, so it's just time for this to go.

Money. Yes, that's right ladies and gents I'm going to talk about the "root of all evil" as some would like to say. But here's the thing... we all want to say "it's not about the money" and I mean I absolutely agree, it's not ALL about the money, but to a certain extent it IS about the money. In fact when I called T-Mobile to see if they would let me do a payment arrangement becasue I won't have money until around the 29th, it was definitely about the money. And when I went to City Cafe the other day to eat before the Writer's Guild, it was defnitely about the money. So with that being said, it's about the fucking money. We all need it to survive, and if we choose not to survive with it, we live a completely different lifestyle. I've lived that lifestyle, and I did experience a certain sense of freedom and abundance while I had none. However I was not "allowed" to experience A LOT because I didn't have money. When I realized that I wanted to travel around the world, go to Hawai'i and see the dragons and walk through time warps, I came to the conclusion that I was going to need some money. I basically had chosen not to give my creative power to the world in the way that they wanted it, and instead I was going to just live off the grid and attempt to heal people on the streets. I felt like a modern day Jesus.... but then I realized what I was capable of. I understood how I could actually hone my healing power, and be able to spread it to EVEN MORE people if I just went back home, went to massage school, got my license and get paid for it... in return I could go to Hawai'i and see what I wanted to see, I could make many connections in the world I may not have been able to make because of my homelessness status I was rocking a little over six months ago.

So here is where I'm at right now. I'm on the road to success, I am going in the direction that I wanted to go, and not only am I starting massage school but I am starting my own business with my dear friend Mike Frazzitta, and we are in the midst of applying for grants to get funding. These great things are happening, and I'm actually getting the chance to fulfill my destiny and passion for life through the monetary system... and it feels great. I'm so excited and so thankful for the many opportunities, but today I realized that I was still living in poverty.... and I realized how DONE I am living in poverty. I live such a limited life, but I am filled with unlimited potential to create my own little heaven on earth. I've been doing abundance meditations, because I know that when we say "it's not about the money", what that really means is "hey, money isn't the only thing that can bring you abundance... let's talk about spirit" and I totally agree with that. I want to feel abundant in my mind, my body, and my spirit, thus creating a holistic way of living. I feel a little bit of stress and pressure because I know that the road that I'm taking will lead my to prosperity and wealth, and I know the pace that I'm taking it will insure that I will be happy and fulfilled on the inside when I get there.... we say that when we have no money "I'm broke" and to a certain extent that's true. Everyone in the entire world has the potential to be infinitely abundant, because all that money represents is faith... we all have faith that this green piece of paper is going to get us exactly what we want in order to satisfy our needs. When we're broke, that means we aren't utilizing all the faith that exists within our heart chakra, we are still enthralled in the dark side of things. I'm not too sure getting rid of the dark side is the answer, and it probably isn't, but I think illuminating the darkness within me will help me achieve in this lifetime.

I know that I am very capable of doing all the things that I want to do in this lifetime, and I know that I have been very honest about the darkness within me, partly because when I'm near or at the top of my game I don't want any "scandals" coming out about my past sabotaging my reputation.... if people already know the choices that I have made, they have no reason to say that I wasn't honest, and I think that's what people want the most out of anybody who is a prestige leader in their community, total honesty. Money brings you a lot of power, and with a lot of power comes a lot of decisions, and with a lot of decisions, you have to know how to make the right choice not only for you but for your peers as well. Ultimately we are all in this together, and the people who gain power are the ones who have worked to find that power within themselves to shine their light the brightest. I want my light to shine as bright as it possibly can.

I was going to talk about how I feel stressed about getting my scrubs in time for school to start, paying my phone bill so it won't be turned off for a week or two, and blah blah blah.... but I don't have time to feed that monster in me that wants to create stress. Soul has already figured out a way to get around it, and now it's my job to tap into that manifesting power and ensure that it won't happen. Taking action is probably the most important thing down here; if we didn't do it, it would never get done. I can't get mad at the people who have the power to take my freedom in this world away.... because obviously I wanted to regain it this way or I wouldn't have come down here this lifetime.

Freedom will be regained. Heaven will be restored. This is the beginning of a revolution.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

I'm just being honest

I love you then I hate you, I want you then I need you to leave. My emotions continue to create (of course) a chaotic, bumpy road for me to go down, but this stops now. I am done toying with my emotions, I am done trying to play with yours too. There must be something wrong with me, because I gain a certain sort of pleasure with this power and control bullshit... it comes so naturally to me. I want to be mature about this, I want to be healthy about this.

I already had made the unhealthy decision to run away to Florida to come be homeless with you, and then I ended up getting pregnant, and then you came and saw me, and now we're here. You're gone, which is obviously what I needed because I declared that I would NOT re-create my parents relationship, and I made the healthy decision to do adoption. But then I realized that I MAY be able to do this alone, but it really comes down to the question of whether or not I want to do this alone.

If this story were fictional I would probably end up having my character kill you out of spite, just to get her aggression out. Unfortunately this is my real life, and you're a real person, and I am going to forever know you as the father of my child. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Good Job Olivia, GREAT JOB ACTUALLY. You couldn't have just stayed your ass in Chattanooga... nooooooo you had to go FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND MAKE A FAMILY WITH HIM. Lies. If anything you really just lied to yourself, but of course I forgive you. I can't even be mad at Micheal, because he chose to play my game with me, because he actually loved me and all that jazz,  and I was a manipulating little girl trying to work out her daddy issues. It doesn't even really hurt to admit that... because it's the truth.

I must say I am very thankful for this life growing inside of me, and hell I'm even thankful for the way you came about. I am SOO thankful I don't have to pretend to be in love with someone when all I really wanted you for was your nice penis (you're welcome for the ego boost). I gotta get my emotions together though. I realized that my sacral is probably the most imbalanced of my chakras, and being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder means I have a chemical imbalance. So I realized that I am going to attract people with chemical imbalances as well... until I become balanced. Taking medicine is NOT the answer, but what I have been doing lately has actually really helped me (yoga, meditation, counseling, etc). I am so used to the highs and lows, it has become a part of my psyche to think that I have to be high and then low, and that I can't just have a regular balanced life. That pattern is done, as of right now. Seriously, why can't I just make a decision, know that it's the right decision, and then stick with it? I think I need to stop entertaining so many scenarios that could happen and be realistic. I need to know when to quit. I need to know what I can REALLY handle, not what I think I can handle.

Truth is, I can't handle a mature adult relationship with a partner right now... I'm not even to the point of being much of an adult myself. Truth is, by admitting all my flaws to myself (and to the public of whoever reads my blog) I am clearing the air, making room for new... and none of this is really coming out of a bad place, because my intentions are to be balanced in all of my chakras, and to have the healthiest emotional body I possibly can have. You were a huge part of my pain body, and the fact that I even cared so much about you that I got you to come here just so I could be the one to break up with you this time, because my little ego couldn't handle the fact that you left me not once but twice... God, how immature of me. I can't even ask why I do the things I do, because I know that it doesn't even matter... my intentions are to gain some sort of satisfaction out of the action that I commit, but then when I impulsively do something it leaves me with this feeling of "wait... why the fuck did I just do that".

I am learning to enjoy the build up, which is helping me understand that patience really is a virtue. I have a lot of great things going for me right now. I start school in less than three weeks, I sold some hula hoops yesterday, and am continuing to make them, I have GREAT friends who know who I really am and can see past the bullshit that I make out to be "real life" (and also because I've stopped trying to ruin friendships), I do yoga, make hula hoops, exercise, write, and meditate everyday. My life is getting better because I am no longer drinking and drugging myself to death, and I am no longer (as of now) making impulsive decisions just to satisfy my emotional pain body... because that pain body doesn't even know what true satisfaction is. I know how to act in a healthy manner now, and I am taking the nessecary steps to do so. With Micheal and I being over my pain body part of me that wants to ruin things, hold on to things, act impulsively, lie, steal, cheat, live off of other people, remain in a state of constant paranoia, gain attention because I feel the need to be noticed, say mean things just to hit him where it hurts, maybe that girl can just go ahead and die already. Because I'm not impressed with you, and nobody else is either. Nobody really likes you, and I know that you just do that because you feel the need to protect/defend yourself... but you're just living in fear. People love THE real you which is why they stick around; people love the person you are and they love what you bring to the table. So Olivia (yeah this one is for you), just stop creating drama, and go out and create a reputation worth living up to.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

To The One I Love

It's difficult to overcome my heartbreak when images of us running around Northern California and falling in deep love with one another keep playing in my head. Or when I think of the imitate nights laying next to one another in bed, heads pressed together, staring deeply into each other's eyes, forming a connection of unconditional love. I think of the last time we made love, and when you whispered in my ear "i love you" I knew that it was real. I knew that you meant it. You said "I'm not here to change you, I'm here to love you" the unfortunate part was, I was here to change you... in fact I was going to need for you to change in order for our love to truly grow and stick. Sure, I could have not honored myself and at one point I was even ready to just take care of all expenses for you, me, and our child.... just because I love you.

Even though we give the feeling of unconditional love, compassion, ecstacy, and pure bliss to one another there are many sides to you and I both that are not healthy for each other. I express my anger vividly when I feel like someone isn't listening to me, and it comes out even more when that anger is toward my intimate partner. You run away from things like that, and I don't blame you. I wasn't going to listen to you call me a liar, a manipulator, I wasn't going to fight with you about how I slept with other people when we broke up, I wasn't going to defend myself and then have you tell me that we had never broken up, we had been together for all these 10 months. I wasn't going to become completely detached from my true authentic self that I have been striving so hard to bring out to fight with you because you were planning on laying on the couch, and not getting a job, and just watching me not only grow our child, but birth it, and then take care of it financially, emotionally, spiritually.... I might as well be a single mom rather than have another child as a husband. Maybe I was attempting to predict the future, and maybe I listened way too much to the advice your mother gave me because she has seen you do this for 15 years.

At first I thought it was that you didn't love me, but that's not the case, you love me to the moon and back and I know that, now I think it's just that you've gone of the deep end... you're not here anymore in this reality, and I live in your dream world with you, because many times you have told me that you dreamed me before you met me. You wanted me. Olivia Claire. I hated when you would talk so stern to me, because I knew you weren't understanding where I was coming from, and I felt there was no way of communicating to you what I was saying because you would have defied it; you would have wanted to argue with me.... and I have a tendency of arguing for the sake of arguing, and that generally blows up in my face. I just needed you to leave. I needed you to not be here because I was losing focus on what actually NEEDS to be done in order to survive, thrive, and be the best absolute person I can possibly be this lifetime. I need to fufill my destiny.... I keep replaying the day I pushed you away, and I see how it could have gone totally differently,  but I chose to react a certain way, and now I'm writing a whole blog trying to justify my actions. The truth is, I fucking love you Micheal, more than I have ever loved anybody else, and in a totally different way. There is this huge part of me that just wants to say "YES I WILL MARRY YOU, YES I WILL BE YOUR SUGAR MAMA AND TAKE CARE OF ALL THE FINANCIAL NEEDS FOR YOU, ME AND YOUR CHILD, YES I WILL PUT UP WITH YOUR PHASES OF PARANOIA, YOUR PHASES OF DETACHMENT, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU" Yet, for some reason all of that seems unrealistic. I wish it was real. I wish it could be a reality. I wish you would come back and we could talk like adults, and actually make a life together, because I want to go through life with you... but sometimes what you want isn't what you need. This is where I need to ask my higher self "Is Micheal the partner that I need" and I'm the only one who can tell me that.

We need some more space, and I need to become more solid and secure in myself before I make a decision... adoption, or me being a single mom, or me being a single mom and then allowing you to walk back into my life. You're my cryptonite, when I'm around you I can't fight the feelings I feel for you, I just cave, I become a vulnerable creature that just says yes to every ridiculous idea you have, and I forget that I'm Olivia Madlock and I have my own life to live, and I have things to do this lifetime too. I'm pretty sure a relationship is a partnership, and we need to play as a team, and we need to communicate as much as we need to know about each other. You always find a way to turn it back around on me, you never ever have said "i'm sorry" to me for the way you have made me feel... and I have apologized many times.

I don't know your intentions, and I sure as hell don't know if that you're intentions are good or not. We see things completely differently, and in order for us to have a relationship there are some things we are going to have to see at face value, for what they really are not for what we "think" they may be... which is hard to do when you're intimately involved with someone, but shows a sense of maturity when it can be done. I'm looking for a mature relationship, because I'm getting too old to play high school games. I have no doubt that you're not going to contact me sometime soon, and if you left Chattanooga already, I know you'll find you're way back. I just can't take care of you, I can't provide everything for you, and our child and still be happy. I need to take care of me, before I can take care of we. My needs will come second when it comes to the child, which makes this time that I have now just for me even more important to ensure my status as healthy emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. I know the answers will come.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

The Good and the Bad

Well, 

He came. Micheal showed his beautiful blue eyes to my Chattanooga world and for two days it was absolutely magnificent. I felt the esctacy of our souls joining in love.... but when the feeling wore off, I knew that it wasn't going to be okay. I saw what he required, demanded, and needed from me in order to feel happy and secure in this world. I saw that I couldn't give it to him, I saw that he couldn't give it to him, I saw that he couldn't be a man because he was still trapped in his little boy emotional body. I don't know if me saying goodbye to him was the most painful part of losing my soul mate, or if the fact that he will probably never be the man he is capable of being. It breaks my heart to know that the first man I have ever felt unconditional, compassionate love for was not the man I thought he was...

The point is though, I am going to be okay. Through maturity I am learning that there is a choice between good and bad; there are things out there that will feed the chaos into creating more and more chaos, and when you sink further into the chaos you are no longer making choices for yourself, you are being played. However, when you make the conscious choice to create with the chaos around you, that's when things get better. I am very proud of myself because not only did I make a good decision, but in making that good decision it has allowed me to make even better decision. I took the chaos around me and started making hula hoops; as much as I wanted to dwell in the sadness, I had all the materials that I needed to make them, and he was out of the way, so I just did it. The flow has manifested itself very beautifully this time around, and I am forever grateful of the opportunity that I have to start something great. Liv Love Hoops be sold on our website, (coming soon), etsy account, Chattanooga Market (every Sunday), Chattanooga State and UTC, and during the summer we will be travelling as vendors to the music festivals. As the business continues to grow, we will be allowing you to put in custom-made orders, and you will also have the opportunity to make or own hula-hoop with our materials for only 10$! Liv Love Hoops comes from a place of pure creativity and absolute love of hula hooping! 

They say an end can be a start, and there are some things in my life I can't control... but there are a lot of things I can control, and I am thankful for the power of choice, and the ability, strength, and courage overcome this emotional adversity, and focus on something great. My reputation matters, I want to be seen for who I truly am, not who you may think I am or think I should be. I have a beautiful light being inside of me that is always dying to come out but is not allowed because she is not found yet. Through this process of being pregnant, becoming more grounded, gaining balance and strength, I am beginning to see who I am and what I am truly capable of. I want to continue with this flow of taking action in the direction that I want to go. I want to be focused on the vision board in my room, making all things happen at the right place at the right time. I am surrounded by great people who are definitely willing to help me, and who are willing to support me in my journey. 

I start school in 22 days and I am sooooooooooo very thankful the universe made it so easy for me to get the things I needed in order to fully succeed at school. The gifts just keep flowing as I continue to open and surrender more and more into the true love that exists within. I want to do this life thing the right way, the way that goes with the flow, my true flow, and towards my destiny. 

Things are going to be okay, and I am making healthy choices for my life. I know what's good and what's bad for me. I trust myself with life. 

Until Next Time, 

-Olivia 

Intuition

Infinity. I am not too sure any of us here on this plane can comprehend what it is to be infinite.... It goes on forever and ever... and ever and ever. The infinite life exists this I am sure of, and because it is infinite it has no fears, it has no flaws, it is nothing but unconditional love. It fills me up every single day, and it shows me what needs to be dealt with.

When I was working at Abuelo's I learned a lot about my intuition (solar plexus), the revolving door that tells me how to behave in certain situations. Clarity. The revolving door was moving so fast, I am not too sure I grasped the lessons that was needed for me to learn. I must have done something right though, because getting fired was a gift. The dreams that I have about Abuelo's, and have been having for the past two weeks mostly consist of me still working there, but not really working there. Last night I was serving the food for the other servers, but I wasn't in uniform, and my housemate and his daughter were there. My housemate was holding a baby boy (which might be nugget, because Matt Horton did say it was a boy) and I served them the food... and he pointed out that I had the wrong shirt on, and I could feel that I had jeans on. I took the wrong food back, because that happened a lot there, and served them their correct food. When I walked back Marilyn and I were eating the mass amounts of food that had been sent back, because shit it was good food.

The dream changed, I was surrounded by white silk curtains and in front of me was a classical orchestra. I was wrapping myself in and out of the silk, and I felt like I shouldn't be doing that because I was pulling too hard, but I couldn't stop doing it because it felt sooo good to fully express my being in this way. I felt like a Caterpillar in a silk cocoon beginning to spread my wings as a butterfly. The music that was playing was so beautiful, and then my phone rang in real life and I woke up.

Whatever this transformation is that I'm going through, becoming my true authentic self, letting go of the judgments others place on me (and themselves), and just fully aligning with the light within myself is doing something huge to me.  I wake up feeling confused, but I know that I'm going in the right direction, so it's all going to be okay. The answers will be clear soon. I just want to make sure that I'm doing my job in the waking state as so to keep peace and harmony with the One life who wants to guide and protect me every step of the way. I am opening up in sweet surrender to the luminous love light of the One. The intuition is our driving force, our ego, our personality, our actions, our consciousness manifested in the flesh. I want to make sure my intuition is fully aligned in direct action with my soul, my destiny, and my true beliefs. I want to act as my true authentic self, I want to be known for my true authentic self.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

Nostolgia

Sometimes, just to be nostolgic, I remember what it feels like to be sad... and I get to the point where I would want to ball my eyes out, and feel absolutely hopeless and without direction, I smile. I smile because the saddness isn't even real anymore, and I can't convince myself that it's real. Within a year I completely transformed my life, with the help of many great healers and guides along the way. I found true authentic self, I have tapped into Christ Consciousness, I have gone home to heaven where my soul resides waiting for me to come back with lessons learned in order to advance further into the infinite life of the universe.

So this saddness card that I play, it's just a reminder for me... something that shows me that I did indeed struggle, I felt that guilt, I felt that anger, I felt that down right "i'm a horrible person" vibe... I used to say it in my head. I could think back to a time when I ate one of my roommates eggs and I cried myself to sleep because he was just screaming at me, and I was just saying in my head "God, Olivia you're such a horrible person, you're such a bitch" even after I offered to buy him a whole another package of eggs... how ridiculous was I to think that I was a horrible person that deserved to be punished because I ate an egg? I can laugh now, and I can forgive and let go.

I can remember how badly I wanted to fit in with the friends that surrounded me last summer, and I remember how uncomfortable I would make myself in order to do that. But I believed that they were the best friends I had ever had, and they were the only friends I was going to have... that fear of loss was eating at me. I remember what it felt like to get that text message from you saying how we were never to speak again, and how I let that hurt me. I remember what it felt like to let you watch me cry when you told me that I was no longer allowed at your apartment, because my self destructive behavior was too out of hand. I remember what it felt like a couple months ago when I got a message from you saying that we were not friends and it was clear that we were never going to be. The funny thing is, the only reason why I would ever reach out to any of you is not because I want to be back as a constant in your life, more so because I know that I wasn't that great of a person, I wasn't my best self, and I accept my faults, and because I did that I have changed, and because I've changed I can come to you with love in my heart regardless of how you feel about me. My tattling mouth may or may not have ruined your relationship, I may have left with your laptop in my hand, I may have stuck my fingers in your spaghetti one morning before work and you caught me... my intentions were always good no matter how bad the action may have seemed at the time, and that's how I know I'm a good person.

The love I have found for myself is not for anybody else, it was for me, Olivia Claire Madlock. I am a human being, and I deserve love just like the rest of you, and I have worked for the love and loyalty that I have earned... and I will continuing working for it. Maybe I owe you an apology, and maybe you owe me one too, for enabling each other's bad behaviors... and for me just being your doormat, allowing you all to talk shit about me behind my back, and then act as if we were best friends at work. I never called you out on your shit because I felt like my shit stank so badly it wouldn't have mattered. The point is this, I wish the best for every single one of you that may or may not have used to been a part of a group we called Team Murder Swag, and hell I LOVE every single one of you and the shit that you have that stinks up the place. Sure I was the butt of the jokes, the one who fucked a lot shit up, but it was never to hurt anyone, and it was never out of hatred... my intentions were always good. This is the first blog that I've written about you all, and I am at peace with everything that has happened.

I was pretending to be someone that I wasn't, and luckily that girl went away and figured out who she really was. I love that girl for doing that, and I love you all for pushing me out of your lives so I could do that. The more and more pregnant I become the more I begin to realize how easy it is to have healthy, honest relationships with people... and how good it feels. I don't take things without asking anymore, I don't take loans without knowing that I can pay them back, and I don't get so drunk on everclear I step on someone's laptop and break them (btw I know you still hate "me", but happy birthday). There are no hard feelings on my side for the unkind words, death threats, and lack of acknowledgement. You all are doing the best you can do, and the great part about it is I'm doing the best I can do too.

So here's to the nights we spent in the lower levels of hell drinking, drugging, listening to Girl Talk, and just being down right ronchy ass motha fuckers with no direction at all. Thank you for helping me grow, thank you for pushing me toward the light even when I didn't want to go. For that I will always love you Team Murder Swag... and there's that.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

There is a lot going on

I'm not entierely too sure as to what is really going on, and I can't even really comprehend a fraction of it because it's happening so quickly, that I'm just moving along with the flow hoping that all of the answers will be reveiled soon.

Micheal never showed up. He called me on Wednesday and said he was almost to Nashville and that he should probably be here on Thursday, it's Sunday and I've heard nothing from him. I honestly don't know if I'll hear anything from him at all because three thrings could have happened; he could have gotten arrested again, he could have got hit by a car and died, or he could have just said fuck it I'm not going to Chattanooga becuase she wants to give the baby up for adoption and I have no chance of getting back together with her. I remember when I was standing at the Blue Hole Suck Creek on Thursday, listening to the deepest wisdom inside me when all of the sudden a clear voice came from my heart and said "raising a child is a privilege, not a right" and that is when I realized adoption is the answer, because I would not look at this as a privilege, it would be a struggle. I know that I'm going to give this privilege to a family who deserves it and is ready for it and has worked for it. I thought of Micheal when I heard this voice, because he felt that because he got me pregnant it was a right to raise a child, I knew better though. I keep imagining if he's dead, and how I would find out, and how maybe it was his fortune to die because he could finally be free and back with God, and come back down when he was truly ready to learn the lessons he needed to learn this lifetime but had avoided for so long. I imagined myself crying, and just sending love to his soul, and being thankful that he was able to pass his genes along before he died. I imagined him in jail again, sitting there, thinking about how close he was, yet how far away he had become. I don't love him in that way anymore, and there is no chance of me loving him that way ever again. I'm not that girl that fell in love with him, and it's not that the girl I was had something wrong with her... she was wandering and searching for the correct path she needed to be on. She thought that maybe he would go with her and grow with her, but what she didn't realize is that some things must be done alone.

I had these crazy dreams last night, of girls just shooting each other with guns while I was trying to start my job at the new restaurant. I saw a friendship end maliciously yesterday due to jealousy and obsession. I get jealous, but I am honest enough with myself never to lie to someone about what another did in order to excommunicate them from my friend group... I know that most of my problems come from inside me, and I know that there is a solution to these problems. If we created the problem, then obviously we created the solution. Now we are all on this journey of discovering the answers to the mystery, and infinite intelligence is guiding us if we allow the One into our life. I woke up with a sense of mysteriousness, not necessarily fear but more of just like "I'm tired, and I don't know the answer right now, so I'm just going to not even try". I feel dangerous when I get like this, as though I am losing my seeking mind. I know that's not true, I need to respect that sometimes I need a break because shit get's real... fast.

I'm building trust with others, I'm building a trustworthy foundation within myself. I asked one of my best friends to grow with me, and she said she felt weird because her roommate and I weren't like best friends too... I love everyone unconditionally, but I can also tell when my forceful healing energy can cause others to feel uncomfortable, so I stay clear of them. I don't ask too many questions, and I don't get to know them because I feel like they don't want me to get to know them on that level. She tends to be in a different space than me when I'm around, and I know my job as a person who is Present is to stay Present at all times, and that's just it. I have to take the action at all times to be Present. I am in control of my emotions. I know that I've broken a lot of cycles this weekend, and it may have just been for me, and for nobody else, and I think that's okay too... because what's good for me is good for the whole. However, I still feel like there is a question that I've asked, and I don't remember the question, but the answer is soon to be revealed.

I have to take the action in order to see it done, and I am willing to do that. I have to take right action, and I am willing to do that. I also have to allow myself the time and space to hear the answer. I feel as though a plateau period is coming; I've made it up the hill and I've made it down the hill, and now I'm walking a straight road going exactly where I need to go. There is time for listening, there is time for speaking, there is time for taking action, there is time for reaction. There is a time and place for everything.

There is this girl that I love, and have loved since I met her. She is my best friend, my journey buddy, my soul mate. I could see myself growing with her from now... until forever. I think we may have done this whole life things together before, so that makes it a whole lot easier. I trust her with my whole being. Even when I feel unsafe, I feel safe. Even when I feel frustrated, I feel the love. I know when she needs her space, and she knows when I need mine. We create amazing magical worlds together, we discover the truths of Time and Space together... now the question is if I choose to love her for the rest of my life, will she choose to love me for the rest of my life? I think that neither one of us want to commit to another person until we are solid in ourselves, and I respect that need that I have, and I respect the need that she has. It's been a year, and sure Micheal came along, but I always told him it was never like the connection I had with this wonderful girl. I know you probably have more than one soulmate, but what if there is one just for this lifetime? We'll see.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

Love Ooh Ooh

A couple of things I would like to communicate on this fine morning.

1. I woke up feeling like I wanted to grab my AK and go kill three people, grab a sausage biscuit at Mickey D's, and then come home to mow the lawn. Seriously, what the fuck is up with me waking up and instantly feeling guilty for an incident that happened a year or more ago? I'm over this ego trip I go on about how "careless" and "thoughtless" I am. It turns into this feeling that I need to prove myself to the world, I need to redeem myself, because who you really saw a year ago wasn't the REAL, true authentic me... and I sold myself short by not caring about what other thought of me.

2. After restarting my day, finding my center, and do some yoga I came back down to earth and of course forgave myself for the evil thoughts I would never pursue (thank God for the power of choice). Micheal is going to be here today, maybe, if he can get a ride from Nashville to Chattanooga, and let's be honest I'm sort of freaking out. My mom came over yesterday and I learned a lot about the relationship she and my father had... This one time my Dad had gotten home from picking me up from daycare, and my mom wasn't home yet. He wanted to go smoke some crack with the boys so he came up with this master plan. He called my mom while she was at work (at the time she was a paralegal) and told her that he had AIDS and needed to come home. This was when I was a year and a half, and she's sitting at work crying her eyes out thinking I have AIDS, she has AIDS, and what the fuck would happen if she died and who would take care of me.... That's the kind of relationship my parents had. Pretty fucked up, but for some reason it makes me laugh so hard because my dad has the nerve to lie about something SOOOOOO important, something life and death, just so he could go smoke some crack.... like, seriously what the fuck were you thinking?

Which brings me to this. Micheal thinks I'm a liar. He thinks I'm a liar because we had just finished doing the do and were walking to the Whole Foods to grab some more wine, and I was telling him about this guy I had slept with before he and I met, (mind you this was immature, insensitive to other people's feelings Olivia) and he asked "Did you use a condom" of course we didn't because it was spur of the moment and we were drunk, but I said we did... he knew that I was lying, and he was like "you're lying" and I was like... "Yeah I am, we didn't..." This was eight months ago, and to this day he still is calling me a liar. Probably one of the worst fights we had in our relationship was him calling me a liar and then leaving me on the side of the highway to hitchhike home from Florida by myself.

Okay, so the only reason I'm hashing all of this and putting myself on blast is because I can now see the root of the issue... subconsciously we all recreate our parents relationships if we have not let go of the behavior we saw when we were children (if the behavior was bad then we're fucked). I saw some pretty fucked up behavior out of both of my parents, and my intuition has been recreating their relationship... and it's biting me in the ass. If anything I was taught what NOT to do in a relationship, and now I'm learning more and more each day through my healing process how to have a healthy relationship with a man... because that's important to me... I want to find a partner to settle down with and have children with one day. I've come to terms with the fact that Micheal may or may not be that person, regardless the child is still going up for adoption, because I have a lot of transforming to do before I'm to the point of feeling the unconditional-compassionate love of God resonating through my ego, creating truly loving, blissful relationship. It's not a means to an end, more of a journey that needs to be done alone, or with someone who is fully supportive and understanding of my inconsistencies, lack of knowledge on how a loving relationship between a man and woman really works, and my healing process. Preferably someone who has gone through it, and is no longer at the point I'm at, someone who has become the master of their mind, or is working on becoming the master... someone who will push me to be my best self, and not my worst. A man who is full of compassion, understanding, and kindness... someone who can bend and flow with ease.... a healer.

I'm not going to go out and seek this man, because I know once I get there myself, or once I feel as though I'm ready to grow with beautiful divine light,  the universe will provide him for me. The last time I fell into a relationship I was desperate to fill the void of my dad leaving, and I thought all the insecurities could be fixed if I had a healthy sexual partner... not to say I didn't learn a lot, and now I can let go of "power and control" because that's not what love is; love is a give and take... a balance, the highest consciousness one can reach. Where ever that consciousness is, however long it takes me to get there, I'm going there, I'm going that way. And so it is.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia

update/healing

First and foremost I want to give a couple of aplogies. 

1. To anybody that I have pushed, or pulled, to change and they were not ready for it to happen, thus I created havoc change rather than a harmonic change I do apologize; I am learning to master my gift right now, and in due time I will be able to lead people to the change they want to see without forcing them... or they may just come to it on their own... this is the over-confidence issue I have when I want to rush the process for people. I am learning that everyone has their own pace, just as I do... yet I don't tend to ever feel rushed, because I'm always open to the change. I know that whatever somebody else is saying to me my ego (third chakra, solar plexus, which is directly connected to my second intuition, third eye) is already saying, I'm just not listening. 

2. Sorry for being super sparatic on the blogs. You'll get that story... right now! 

My baby daddy is almost here. In fact he'll probably be here tomorrow... after five months of intense emotions, going back and forth, not really knowing what Olivia (me) wants, I finally had a breakthrough yesterday. I saw they way I could change the world, I saw the way that I am going to change the world, and I'm going for it... and that's when I realized that it was a total choice to keep this child, not something that I had to do. Just as it was a choice for me to go to Florida to be with Micheal, just as it was a choice for me to attempt getting pregnant... I know realize that in me getting pregnant I was wanting to fill the void that the pain body created within me, but rather than filling that void I am in the void, and I'm learning so much about myself and the person that I am and why I do the things I do based on the exposure I got when I was a child and throughout my life. I am learning more and more each day about my intuitive powers, and when left unkept, how they can create chaos and havoc in my life. 

You guys have been reading and following on for five months now, and I have finally chosen which crossroads to go down (and i'm beginning to realize that this is one of many more I will face...). When we were in Florida, we met this man who watched me sob all day because my stuff had gotten stolen off the side of the highway, because my dumb ass just thought it would be safe there... Anyway, he let us camp out with him that night, and he good sense my white light, and he performed a ceremony on me with sage. He opened my heart chakra, and I heard the voice of a strict Japanese man, and in his native language he spoke. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but I felt what he was saying, and I could hear the intensity of his voice. It created some sort of protection within me, and for the millionth time in my life I was learning cause and effect, a lesson that I had learned many times before. After that, he brought me back to this reality with the gentle nudge of a weed pipe, and he looked at me and said "you are at your first crossroads". It took me until now to realize what the crossroads truly was, and now I can see. 

A crossroads is not one way is right and one way is wrong, it's the power of choice, and where those choices will take you. I am going to be a motivational speaker, and I am going to travel and speak the truths of the universal power and the One life and encourage and motivate people to heal their life; on top of that I am going to be a massage therapist, writer, small business owner, and whatever else comes my way through these four paths that I am laying out for myself. Finally reaching the breakthrough within myself, and today coming to terms with the self-doubt that I carry on my front side, I asked myself "can you see yourself adding mom to that list" and I said no, not right now. I told him today, "what do you think about adoption" and he said, "we'll talk about it when I get there"... a lot better response than what I thought it would be. 

This led me to a point where I was hanging out with my mom today and she began talking about all the things she wants to do for my brother (hence the apology for pushing people to change when they are not ready :p), and to make a sort-of long story short, I began to recognize guilt and how that guilt can create two things: First, I think guilt can be good, but in moderation. For instance, guilt is a sign of remorse, and can show that the other person actually has a sense of understanding for how their actions may have portrayed lack of compassion for their feelings. Second, guilt can be a horrible thing if you feel bad for something that happened so many years ago, and if you are holding on to a guilty conscious then you are going to create guilt along with other symptoms of pain wherever you go. I have this on the back of my chest, on the right side, and it's this weight that I'm carrying on, and part of it is this guilt I have for feeling jealous of others. I know that it's wrong to feel jealous, so I feel guilty when I do. But my question right now is how do I NOT feel jealous when someone has something that I want and I don't have it yet? Jealousy can manifest from self doubt, and that self doubt is lack of confidence in my ability to fulfill my destiny, (and let me tell you my destiny is pretty big this lifetime) which is all just fear. Fear seems so fucking real to the ego. It comes up with these excuses, and all they are are just insecurities that I am incapable of growing into the person that is going to fulfill my souls destiny.... but from what I've been reading, all I have to do is want to change, take the necessary steps to change, and then wa-la! I'm there. I'm definitely confident in my ability to change, to overcome my arrogance, jealousy, over-confidence, and abrasiveness... I'm pretty sure my loudness is going to come in hand, and if I let all of those go the loudness will come out in a beautiful way. I can't compare myself to other people, I just have to get in the zone and do it. 

I have to write that book. 

I have to go to massage therapy school. 

I have to start making those healing hoops (btw I order the material today!) and teaching classes 

I have to begin working on speeches to prepare for my motivational speaking 

These are the ways I am going to start expressing my creative talents, mother is going to be for another time and place (God Willing), and I am going to make some family very happy. 

Until Next Time, 

-Olivia