Sunday, December 22, 2013

Late Nights with kitty, baby, and thunderstorms

I keep waking up at 3am angry as fuck because I'm not having contractions yet; literally that is my initial reaction. I was dreaming that I went to the doctor on Monday and they told me that because her head was low so that means she is ready to come.

Seriously these last few days are building up the anticipation even more, and all I ask is that she comes before January because I would really like more then 16 days with my little girl before I have to go back to massage therapy school. I feel the hormones raging already, and I know that I am going to have to deal with the challenges of a new born baby with grace and gentleness or else I am going to fuck myself up. I should be enjoying these last few days as a single woman with no kids, but I am just so damn ready to start this next phase of my life! The universe is probably giving me time to soak it all in, soak in all of the lessons that I have learned in the year of 2013 and just marvel at how well things have turned out for me.

I know that I am going to have to definitely have a strong sense of authority in myself because EVERYBODY is going to want to tell me what to do, how to hold her, how to feed her, blah blah blah....

hormone reaction: back off bitches, this is MY baby. 
appropriate reaction: thank you for your wonderful advice I will be sure to keep that in mind 

I don't want to be one of those super possessive moms that doesn't allow anybody else to hold Iris (not that that would happen anyway) and I definitely don't want to be one of those moms that just doesn't hold her baby at all (not that that would happen anyway); I am probably going to find some balance between. Also, I'm sick of everyone telling me how "hard" it's going to be... Okay, so I know that being a mom isn't like the easiest job in the world, I'm not flipping burgers at the McDonald's, no. I am teaching a little human all the basics of love, all while learning more about love at the same time. But damn. Let's not make it so scary anymore okay? Let's just recognize that as women we were designed for this hard work, we were MADE to be mama's, so with that being said if I was made to do this, then I'm going to be just fine. It's not that anybody is saying that it isn't going to be fine, but I just always feel this sense of "fuck off" when people want to tell me how I am going to react to the experience of being a mom....

you don't know me, and if you think you know me, then you know that I don't do it how everyone else does it, now do I? 

Now that we have gotten a bit of the hormone rage out of the way here is how it's going to be. I am going to adjust perfectly fine to my little new born baby. I plan on getting her on a good schedule so when I go back to school it will be a lot easy for her to function....

people always seem to forget there is ORDER in CHAOS. 

It's all about mindset, so if I see my new born as something that brings me challenges and such, then that's what I'll get. If I face the sleepless nights with compassion and understanding that this little human being just got to earth and has no idea what's up or what's down, then that's what I'll get in return. Law of attraction at it's finest.

change excites me. 
I think about what the majority of my generation/people my age are doing right now; probably passing out on a friend's couch after a long night of drinking and smoking and doing the do that the 20somethings do, and I am going to be learning how to love on a whole another level. I know I have always wanted to be different, and I may have taken this one pretty far this time, but I know I'm going to do a good job as a mama. The confidence has definitely kicked in, and all of the sudden I feel like my mind knows what to do, THANK GOD. I am pretty excited for this change, I don't want to feel like I am waiting for the discomforts of contractions to get me going, though and I am praying praying praying and asking that she comes before the end of December, please little girl!

they say you find your real friends when a baby comes. 
And ain't that the truth. One of my best friends was officially called it off with me. It hurts, yeah. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass, but I still want to honor the loss that I am at right now. I know that it's for the best, because I don't have time to play these silly little ego games that she wanted to inflict on our relationship every single time we hung out, and it hurts me that she couldn't find a way to just grow up, grow out of it, stop making the illusion real, and recognize the reality of it all. Talk about energy vampires... I forgive her, but there was just a lot left unsaid, and I think that it's just going to have to be that way... because if we try to say anything to each other I will get distracted from my new path and she will just feel emotionally drained and imbalanced. So it is what it is, and I love you all the same, and I know that it's time to go our separate ways.

So here are the things that I am going to focus on:
1. Get a weekend job paying 9-10$ an hour (save money!)
2. Get a reliable, affordable car
3. Find a cheap two bedroom house in St Elmo w/ awesome/trustworthy roommate to share with
5. love my baby like I've never loved anything else
6. Show compassion for myself, love myself in all areas of my life
7. Maintain balance in the upcoming events of my new busy ass life

Enough ramblings, rants,raves, and goal setting for this girl here. Signing off.

Until Next Time,


Thursday, December 19, 2013

rants and raves and tiredness

It's not just me anymore, everyone out there is seeking some sort of truth. People are tired of being lied to, people are angry that they have been taken advantage of and deemed "not worthy" without being given proper chance to even remotely show the "leaders" what we are capable of. On the other end everyone else seems to be afraid for some reason or another... the "leaders" because "their" people (yes, as if they own us) are awakening to the illusion they have portrayed for centuries, and the people because their "leaders" are threatening to no longer support their survival on this planet. What's going on here? I can't help but ask myself, why am I here on earth at this time? There is a lot that I'm feeling today, mostly tired because I'm getting ready to push a baby out, but let me see if I can make any sense of how I feel.

I sat at the DHS office for almost two hours this morning... I need help because I don't come from a family that has money, I am still a student, and I have a baby on the way. I would like to say a lot of people in the world would deem me irresponsible... and honestly I don't give two fucks what anybody else would think about the decisions I have made. As a collective whole we put sooooooooooooooooo much weight on the choices we make, granted something has to be important to us humans or else we would go crazy without having meaning of SOMETHING. But the thing is, people have made bad choices, and I am one of those people, and we shouldn't be put in a category of "less than" because of it. What happened to helping people just because you had enough? Why do all these strings have to be attached? There is such a lack of trust between the government and its people, it's fucking ridiculous. Stop lying to us and maybe we will trust you more.... that seems logical right? Fortunately it's not my job to try and figure out why the hell there is so much distrust in our society, in our world. Fortunately it is my job to find truth within my life, my realm, to take care of my responsibilities, and to not feel fucking guilty for accepting help when it is needed. Trust me, if I have to live here on earth and do this whole thing I want to do as much of it by myself as possible, but don't create a system where only some people win and others lose, create a win-win situation for all to be able to thrive. It's all about love dude, and love is not something that should be kept away, love is not something that should be earned, love is something that should be shared because there is an abundant amount of love in the world, in the universe. It's time to say goodbye to greed, it's time to say goodbye to anger. The revolution begins within; eliminate all of the negativity within you, and the world will be a better place. Evolve.

Until Next Time,


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Transitions upon transitions

Sometimes when I sit down to write I find it hard to find that true voice inside of me that's screaming to come out; it's like I have to dig to find her. Sometimes I have to force her out, and sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the feeling to write that I just have to gush.

My writer is my introverted side, my deep voice within that sees and feels and loves and laughs and cries all while watching her life pass her by. My writer is my warrior, who will never give up fulfilling her dreams. My writer is my fear-based ego, my writer is my spirit, my writer is my truth. I am my writer, my writer is me. I can move forward from writing about the non-existent fear I feel.... It's interesting because I may "feel" the fear, but I know that the fear is not the truth, fear is just a side effect of not knowing the truth. I find more truth in myself each and every day, and with this truth the fear seems to disappear. People are afraid of the truth, because it may actually set them free. I used to be one of those people.


I can look at my life and say that I have been on "this" particular journey since the day I was born, and that would be true. Throughout this journey there have been check points, and one of the most recent check points started when I was nineteen years old; when I started tripping a lot of acid and mushrooms as a result of me getting kicked out of Agnes Scott College. From that person I became a wild child for two years, and when I was 21 I finally decided to stop running from my responsibilities by, well running from my responsibilities to go take care of the one of the most important things, myself. Above all else I needed freedom from the responsibilities that I wasn't taking care of in order to find some sort of inner peace in myself because the pressure was weighing down, and I felt like I was at the bottom and there was nowhere to go but up, and I had to fully hit the 3 dimensional rock bottom of being homeless, to un-ground, to re-ground.

I started the transition of awareness taking the masculine approach first; I had to master my mind to even to begin to feel spirit in my heart. Positive affirmations, conquering the voices in my head that I was holding onto; there was a point last year where I heard my mother's voice in my mind screaming at me "you're not good enough!" I heard her voice, and that was the day that I just let it all go. That was the day that I said fuck it, that was the day that no longer would I hold hate in my mind. Because of this I found spirit in my heart.

I am now sitting here on December 18, 2013 at 10:02pm, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Iris Athena is her name, and she has come here to restore peace in my life. Her energy is vibrating high, and it's truly so surreal that my emotions, my body, my mind, my heart went into growing a tiny human; her spirit is enlightened and pure, beautiful as the rainbow she uses to travel from the underworld to heaven. My transition of the masculine energy within myself last year has brought me to this point to what is about to be another intense transition; my feminine transition, my initiation into the feminine energy.... giving birth. I am aware of how deep of a transformation this is going to be, and I am immediately casting out all fear. What a beautiful thing it is to be able to have two deep transformations so close to each other. Throughout being pregnant I have learned so much as to what my body needs as a woman, as a human. I have discovered how important it is to really be mindful of what you are putting in your body because it does effect your emotional state; if your body is working too hard to digest things, or if it is filled with things that it doesn't need, or if does not have enough of what it needs it will cause dis-ease,thus causing imbalance physically, and in many cases emotionally. Nourishment is key to a healthy, happy physical and emotional state. Meditation and awareness is key to a healthy, happy spiritual and mental state. The mind and body can work together as one, and when they are doing so the better and better life gets. I am an example of this, I am going to continue to live my life this way.

Letting go, or rather moving forward, is always a part of the journey. Iris is about to move forward from womb to earth, I am about to move forward from my 19 year old emotional state, predominately masculine based, to my 22 year old emotional state, predominately feminine based. It's going to be a beautiful transition  in all honesty; I am able to do this the way that I want to thanks to a lot of things. Every way that I receive  I am so grateful, and right now I have a lot of financial support until I am able to legally make money as a massage therapist and then I will be able to give and receive all in one. I will still receive support for schooling, and that is definitely NOT a bad thing. Moving forward from hating on the government and all they do, and truly appreciating the amount of wealth they dish out on my behalf as a single mother, student taking all of the necessary steps to establish freedom, individualism, and the ability to use MY creative energy to give to the system. That is completely possible. I am not going to stay on welfare for long, I will overcome this just as I overcome everything else. Patience is key. I have all of the time I need. I will produce results in the investments I have made. I will pay back all of the money that I have borrowed from the government in some way. For some reason I really feel the need to affirm and voice that here on my blog, I think once us as a people stop hating the government, bashing them for all the wrong decisions they make, then something will change. They are taking on too much responsibility for any humans to deal with successfully, and I do believe its up to us to show them that we don't need them, and in us showing them that we don't need them something will have to change. But right now, I need the government. I need them to give my money so I can go to school, eat food, buy diapers, I need the government to help me out right now... and then once I have my job working and giving 4 massages daily as a massage therapist (which I am making happen right now) I will be able to take responsibility for my own survival in this system.

This is me staying the course, this is me affirming that positive things are going to happen, and this is me finishing my ramblings and going to sleep.

Until Next Time,


Sunday, December 15, 2013

How Much Am I Worth in One year?

This question popped into my head as I am deciding how much I want to make as a massage therapist within the first couple of years. What the number really came down to was how worthy am I as a massage therapist. Here's a little bit of creative logic for your day.

According to many spiritual teachers, gurus, meditators, lovers, and positive thinkers worth comes from within; the abundance that we want and acquire on the outside is in fact a physical manifestation of our creative power on the inside; abundance is having the ability to do what you need to do when you need to do it. What many people do not realize is that if able to tap into the God Source within, us humans become infinitely abundant. I am on a journey to fully manifesting my infinitely abundant self, and I am now realizing what it means to feel worthy. I do have to look at myself and see how much I have to offer.

First things first, I know that I am abundant enough to have what I need to have in order to survive, and I don't have to work too hard to get that. This is an accurate picture of where I am right now, and where I am going to be in the next coming months as I continue the journey. I figured people out there who want to create abundance might want to see how a student-single-mother manages her finances...

December 2013-February 2014
1. Housing: free
2. electric/water: free
3. food: free
4: phone: 65$ per month
5: transportation: 50$ a month
6: cloth diapers: 15$ for 10 pack new born

February 2014-August 2014 major expenses:
school refund check: 5,439$ tax credit: TBA (hopefully @ least 1000$)
1. court costs/expungement fees: 866.76$
2. doula costs: 760$
3. Mblex Test: 195$
4.Massage License: 400$
5. Car Insurance: 472$
6. LicenceFee: 165$
7. Reliable Car: 2000$
8: funds for miscellaneous fees: 580.25$

After finishing school my intention is to land a job making at least 19,000$ a year which will allow me to pay for rent, bills, gas/car maintaining, baby, and saving money to pay off debts. Calling upon the universal powers, the stars, the ascended masters, angels, gods, and goddesses of all kinds to guide me in the right direction, show me the path that is aligned with you, and allow me to co-create with Divine Order.

The question has been answered, after one year of training in massage school I am worth 19,000$ a year. :)

Saturday, December 14, 2013

emotional ramblings of yours truly

I need to feel these emotions, I can't be afraid of them. If I don't feel them I will never grow. They flow through me like the ocean tide pulling back and forth. Sometimes the energy begins to feel overwhelming, and my world begins to shake, and I am not too sure as to what's happening, but the vibrations within my intuition help my eyes perceive this world as something truly miraculous. It feels like I am constantly telling myself the same things over and over and over and it is the utter frustration that my higher self is probably one of the most fucking confusing things I have ever encountered. I am frustrated that I will never know.... that I will never know what love is.... I will always see love as something separate of me. I will always see love as something that needs a two in order to make the one. I guess I'm just asking myself what I want from myself, because the only person who is capable of giving me a peace of mind is me.

Actor 1: teaches me love without attachement.
 Actor 2: teaches me jealousy and posseiveness=fake confidence
When you're not trying to make anything, the times when you want to try the most but you don't have any sense of knowing what difference your move will make for you and those around you, who do you ask for help? Do you ask for help? Are you worth knowing? What really matters? It physically frightens me to think that actor 1 and actor 2  could potentially have sex, that is a possibility but does that actually mean the stars are aligned that way- wait I need to stop myself. I mean I understand that this is important for growth, but how much of this actually matters? It matters because I need to berid myself of these feelings of fake confidence, jealousy, and possessiveness. "You don't own me, and I don't own you"

Everyone has their own sexual energy. Everyone creates things in their own ways. The way I interpret sex... I don't think it's dirty, I think it needs to be done in a very specific way. I think there needs to be loved involved. I think it needs to be treated as sacred, and I have no fucking idea how to do that. Well, I thought I did know how to do it... or at least I thought the bible told us how to do it... is that the "right" way to do that? Or is is what feels right for you? Okay I've had both; Can love only be shared between a man and a woman? A lot of people have their definition of love, it's all one...

I don't know if it's just the way things work, or if I have to see what I want before I can have it. Is too much of me to ask for the relationship I see.... seeing is believing, right?

Things I would like to avoid:
1. feeling smothered
2. feeling jealous
3. feeling possessive
4. feeling angry
5. feeling sad
6. feeling confused
7. feeling as though I have a lack of understanding
8. feeling unloved
9. feeling fake
10. feeling unsure of my decisions, but still continue to make the wrong decisions
11. using my ability to fuck things up for myself/other people in spite
12. feeling as if there isn't a solution to the problem I have

It's funny because learning who you are is a huge fucking life long journey.... it's eternal, and I am beginning to understand that life=love=learning=eternity.

Until Next Time,


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

To my faithful followers!

It has been quite some time since I have last dropped a note, but now that Christmas break is here I have some time to get down to the dirty dirty and let you all know what the skinny is! 

First and foremost, I am so grateful for the journey of pregnancy and I cannot wait for it to be over! In 12 days my baby (maybe) will be here, and the beautiful person that I have transformed into has filled me with confidence that I will be an amazing mother. As I recount the steps that I took to get where I am today, and as I can nostalgically look back and realize how far that I have come I give myself a huge pat on the back; if you all have learned anything from me and my "struggle" I hope it's that you can overcome adversity with a little elbow grease and a positive attitude. 

As I approach giving birth and following in the foot steps of many of my sisters, I am reminded of the rite of passage I am passing through; women have been the vessel of physical life since the beginning of time, and I am now making the journey into womanhood. One of the documentaries that pushed me to give birth naturally and NOT in a hospital was The Business of Being Born; just like everything else in the world, things got mixed up and throughout the past 200 years giving birth has gone from something women do naturally to something women now use tons of medicine to get through. As a true nature girl I was already in the mindset of honoring birth on a sacred level, and watching the documentary (done by Rikki Lake) only confirmed my beliefs. Birth is probably as close to death someone can get while living, and being a woman I get to experience it. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. Natural birth is the way to go, and after I give birth I will write a blog on my experience. 

on another note. 

Massage therapy school and interacting with people who aren't very much like me but I still have to tolerate them have taught me three of the most important lessons anybody and everybody needs to learn this lifetime. 

compassion: Anger needs compassion in order to manifest into love. The lower vibrations need this loving, positive vibration in order to heal. I have grown and moved into this space of fully practicing compassion for myself, having a sense of understanding of the emotions that I feel and loving them, forgiving them, and letting them go. 

always being true to me: I walked into that classroom one person, and I have grown so much into the person that I have always been/need to be. Somewhere along the way in these last five months it stopped mattering what anybody else thought about me, it only mattered who I was on the inside; once I started allowing that girl to come out the easier it got to allow everyone else around me to be who they were. 

integrity: acting with honest intent is probably one the greatest lessons that I have learned. It brings me closer with the source more and more each day when I am able to fully express what my intentions are, and honestly speak. 

Have more gratitude, and you will see more results. Give more love and you will receive more love, giving and receiving are the same thing. The next time I write I will have a sweet precious baby girl in my arms. 

Until Next Time,