Friday, July 25, 2014


I think part of the reason I have such a hard time with school is the lack of personal connection I feel with my peers.

We are all on this journey together, but I don't really have anyone to talk about what my experience is, because they are just not at the capacity of understanding. Oh, the joys of being an Aquarius.

That's why I have my girls (tantra goddesses you know who you are adding a few who aren't in the group but should be), and occasionally my boys, although most have moved away. I am one of those people that needs friends to feel complete... so when the threat of losing a friend comes up, I do everything in my power to make sure that does NOT happen.

There is this guy at school who is on my level. He is taking up something different than I am, but he came in for a massage one day, and I gave him some reiki, and at the end he said "that was awesome, were you meditating or something" and after that we were friends. It's nice to have the closeness with someone in a world that makes you want to feel so separated.... it's all one though, and I am getting to a point where I just love because there is love.

I should probably start blogging more often now that Iris is getting bigger, and I'll be taking online classes, and I will have WAAAAAAAAAY more time to do the things that I have put on hold to finish up massage therapy school. Writing is good for me, and it's a way to get the voice in my head out... the voice that wants to be heard to badly.

Love. God there is so much love in my life right now. I have everything to be thankful for.

I have been learning more about the manifestation process; it's so sacred, and so profound, that words like "gratitude" and "law of attraction" are only parts of the pie.... IT'S A DIVINE BEING SHINING ITS LIGHT THROUGH US TO HEAL OUR SOULS AND SAVE OUR PLANET. It's amazing beyond belief. And this is the focus that I must maintain. I must just keep radiating the positivity, and being grateful for every single thing I have.

From observing the consciousness of my mind, I find that the negative energy is like a parasite that attached itself to my energy field (I remember at one point on my journey being told that you don't know what people's aura's are holding, so always protect yourself and be careful); it was never apart of me, in fact it was an entity of it's own. A life sucking piece of dark matter that wanted to take me down with it, but that's not happening. That negative parasite in my energy field comes from a long history of family karma, of my soul actually GOING to hell.... it's been a rough road for the human consciousnesses, myself included. Unity Consciousness is starting to really take hold nowadays. It's nice. The entity is gone, but there is still work to be done. A good friend of mine, Stasia Bliss, says the work is not done until ALL OF THE HUMAN race knows. We all have to know.... learning to spread the word effectively is a difficult one, thank god I'm not the only one who is doing ti though.

Love Love Love. All you need is love. Ramblings and such.

Going to write a more focused blog about parenting in the near future.

<3 <3 <3
Until Next Time,


Thursday, July 24, 2014


What is it that i feel
when my voice begins to speak inside my mind.
that little part of me that controls the time.
intuition perks.
when new things come into my fruition.
Never losing track of the moment
Ego pops in... she knows how to do the job
but sometimes she let's herself get carried away by all of the outside world
what would you expect her to do? Not play?
Soul Olivia the healer inside
The majestic flying pegasus
She wants nothing but the love she feels to be everyone's reality
Love is her reality
It was the reality of all realities
Until she realized that she was through
She was done be told what to do in this and in that
She merely wanted to be free....
and that was a fact.
The desire to love combined with hope overpowers fear on any occasion.
Any at all.
The task for you to do is FEEL and BELIEVE
Writing my own script, staying in the moment
Do what is this and what is that
Pretty soon I'll be doing a lot of thinking
Leaving this school of feeling.
Oh the wonders that it has done for me
I am can really see what it is that I now need to be.
I am a feeling creature AND  thinking creature too
I know that the two combined will make me upright and honest and thorough and true

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I'm still human

I did it again, but this time it didn't hurt so much.
I opened my heart to another one of those amazing men, and of course it got shut down pretty quickly. Do I do this to myself? Is this my karma? Maybe a man isn't what I need? I feel like the universe is fucking with me.... but then again I am the creator of my world My heart doesn't hurt, but I am realizing that my root chakra needs some serious healing love and light... and that I have been doing. Loving myself. Loving the fucking shit out of myself. Every step of the way.... love love love love love.

My mind is the selfish one. I think about what I want out of this life the majority of the time, and my desires just overwhelm my thought consumption. My mind has a fucking mind of it's own.... it's so weird. I am constantly fantasizing and dreaming about the day I meet my future husband, that when I meet any guy I instantly want to make him that person.

God how I wish I could go home and just lay down and go to sleep, but there is so much to do... all the time. Adjusting to mom life, work life, my new life. It's all an adjustment... which is why I am taking psychology of adjustment next semester... learn a thing or two.

So here's the new deal I am making with myself. From now on I am going to be selfless when I am doing my work as a therapist, when I am with my daughter.... and then when I am by myself I am going to nourish myself with thoughts that make me feel yummy and orgasmic. I want that more than anything. I want to love and be loved. So I'll do both for myself right now. My life is so amazing, and I am so happy with the financial success I will be achieving within a few months, which is definitely going to make my life a lot easier... I'm not one to leave a trace, ya know? That guy will come. I know he will. I just have to stop wanting it so badly that I don't let myself have it.

I'm still a human. I am a spiritual being having a human experience, and I am still a human.

<3 <3 <3

this too shall pass; one day when I'm with my husband I'll look back and laugh at myself so hard for wanting to be with him so bad when the time just wasn't right.

Until Next Time,


Monday, July 14, 2014

My struggle is this.

I WILL NOT be a parent who spanks, I WILL NOT be a parent who yells at my child, I WILL NOT treat iris with disrespect or with anything less; and I will NOT allow anyone to watch her who thinks that that is okay... It's too damn important, she is too damn important. So I am calling it in, that person who is going to be able to treat iris with respect, compassion, gentleness, kindness, and love when she is older... it's okay now with my mom because Iris can't talk yet... but as she is approaching the later ages of childhood my mom just doesn't seem to fit into the idea I have for what I want iris to experience, what my child needs to experience. I am calling in all the help I can get on this issue. I believe that I will find a person who loves iris as much as I do and treats her with compassion, gentleness, kindness, and love. I cannot express how important this is to me angels, I am in need. I need to know that that person is going to be there with me in Washington to watch iris while I go to school. Someone who is safe for Iris to be around. This is what I need, and this is what I deserve. And So It Is.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

moments after moments

It's these moments of stability that I crave.
And the great part about it is, if I continue to work at it I can be stable for the rest of my life.
I have a stable income.
I have a stable home.
I have stable relationships.
My foundation is healed, my root chakra is a beaming color of ruby red, and these color visualizations are what keep me stable and balanced and in the NOW.
The hard part isn't keeping it there, it's getting it there... putting all THOSE puzzle pieces together, and finally seeing the big picture.
Fighting the urge to do whatever learned behavior it was before that hurt me so badly in the first place... it was never the other person, it was always me.
It was always my subconscious negative self talk that got in the way of me thriving and getting the gold.
I don't ask why much, but damn... why did I have to do that to myself?
To re-learn who I was?
The illusion does not have an answer to why... the illusion is not real.
Real or not real.
That's always the question.
Is this re-al-it-y that I am experiencing emotionally real?
Most times, no.
Most times, never.
The illusion pops up and I don't really believe it anymore.
What's the point?
Do I need to go down the path of disillusionment?
Never do I NEED to do that.
Bonnaroo is just one big illusion... but there is the truth that spreads it self there.
Illusions. fantasies.
Keeping me from reality.
Because my reality is too much?
Nope. Not at this point in my life.
In fact my reality is just right.
Pursuing my dreams of being a world-renowned healer.
Finishing up massage school.
Sacred sacred sacred.
So that path of illusion....
it was sacred too?
yes, yes it was.
And I learned something from it....
I learned about fear, I learned about greed, and I learned about anger.
Through transformation I gained love, through transmutation I gained compassion, through observation I gained knowledge, and through that knowledge I realized that competition does NOT exist, that jealousy is a farce... and that giving away my fucking power is not fucking worth it.
The illusion wants something it can't have... I can give it my power, but it can't do anything with it.
I can feed it as if it were real, but it will never be real.
It's sad how badly it craves something that it can't have....
Well, it craves something that it can't have in the way they it wants it
It gets what it needs
I need stability
I need stability
I need stability
<3 and it's okay
Illusions, fantasies, games.
Letting it go.
Seeing the light.
Living my bliss.
Being my true authentic self.
It's worth it, you all should try it.

Friday, June 20, 2014

The details.

Oh the details of life.

I used to say "all of the details take care of themselves", but in that I am not finding very much truth. Root chakra is the details- making sure we have everything we need in order to do the task at hand.... run a household, run a business, run a marathon, shit run life. I have a serious problem with pay attention to the details, and in that I find that's where most of my drama comes from.... me not paying attention to the details of the scene; forgetting to put the dishes up, forgetting to initial an appointment time in the book.... it's the little things that add up to the explosive dramatic reactions from others... they get so mad at me. My mom screams, my classmates get frustrated.... I am hindering them with my lack of attentiveness. Attention deficit disorder... I say that certain things don't bother me, and maybe they don't, but I have a feeling that they're going to bother me.... lack of attention to detail is a gateway for chaos to enter. Chaos in this world creates all these angry, frustrated, upset feelings.... order is what maintains the love. I must be the order in chaos. I need to make lists, so I can make sure that I have everything I need. I always miss something though.... I want to make it my goal not to miss a thing. I want to make it my goal to do it right the first time-I did not have a very good teacher when it came to that stuff.... but at this point I know what to do, now it just takes practice. I might need a list for everything, which I am okay with.

I am about to move into my own apartment, and I think being a good mom ensures paying attention to the details, and I really can't afford to buy Iris something new every time I forget it. Getting deeper into my root chakra, and clearing out all that is no longer needed. My spiritual journey is now on a basic level, and it's quite nice.As co-creator it is my job to make sure that I have everything I need in order to have a good time... I accept my job.


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

no name and unfinished just how i like it

It's been quite a while since I have had the time to write. I am happy I woke up early to study, and of course the urge came, and I just had to come here.

When I say SO much has been going on, it's true, my life consists of my dreams, Iris' dreams, and the demands made for me to perform. I struggle with the urge every single day to just leave this whole societal dream behind, and go live in the woods.... my rebel wants to watch this city burn to ashes, unfortunately my rebellion nature is not my journey this lifetime, and that's where my true challenge comes from... not nessecarily finding the motivation to get things done, but finding the meaning as to why I am here. I have been doing a really good job of containing my rebellion nature, but she is a fighter. She wants more than anything to be free to do whatever she pleases, to go whereever she wants to go, but that's just not happening right now. She has to deal with the day to day hustle, the back to back early mornings, and the truth is this struggle is helping her grow... I was made to concern myself with the whole, and despite my rebellious nature, I have this huge heart that loves every single person in humanity, and I want to reach them so badly.... it's such a paradox, I want to reach the people to set them free of this system.... I can't rebel yet, I have to emerge myself into this place, make a name for myself, do the paper work, jump through the stupid fucking hoops.... GOD DAMN it makes me so fucking angry that I have to jump through all these hoops to prove myself worthy of a certain title. I am so sick of this approval-based society.... I didn't come here to be approved of, and I am having to go against everything I believe in to get to where I want to be, so I can share my belief systems with the world, so I can reach all of the people. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

New Vision

I've been doing life for 23 years now, and with all of it's ups and downs I have really learned a few things. Probably the most important that I have learned, and am continuing to practice is compassion. Without it, when you are in the down swing you will stay down... thus missing the point of life. I never knew how compassionate I was until I had Iris. She has forced me to learn how to have compassion for myself, so I can in return have compassion for others. It is such a sacred path that I am walking, and I have understood the spiritual aspect of my life since I was born. My intuition was built for me to never forget who I was.... I didn't want to forget. I think that writing down all of what I feel is important, and although most of my blog for the past year and a half have been documents of me doing work with my shadow, I feel like I am now transitioning out of shadow work and am now experiencing the beginning lessons of becoming a teacher. A mom, a spiritual teacher, a community teacher, a leader. This is something that I have always wanted to be, because I know I was made to be this person. My ego was the one in the way. With that being said I am going to start changing what I write about, and am now going to begin documenting the lessons on being a teacher.

Only being 3 months into this lesson, it's mostly been me letting go of the old baggage so I can break free and continue anew. I have moved in with Micheal, Satori, and Avian. We have a vision for the 3500 sq ft house we live in, and with that vision requires us to fully emerge ourselves into practicing what has been taught to us through Buddhism. If you do not know anything about the teachings of Buddhism, I first highly suggest you read a book about it (there are plenty out there) or if you want to know more about the Buddhism that I have practiced you can PM me on facebook. :) The term Boddhitsatva is definied as a soul that comes down to earth lifetime after lifetime to help the human race understand Love more. Boddhitsatva is also something that can be achieved by one who has just started the path, it is not limited to a certain group. To be a boddhitsatva one acts with compassion instead of anger no matter the situation or condition one is dealing with  I began doing this a long time ago, and left it behind for a walk on the wild side, after I came back I realized that walking the sacred path was really all that there was, and other stuff was an illusion; unproductive, and destructive. Back to my point- compassion. It's not a new concept, and in fact if you think about it, when you were a little kid didn't the grown ups around you SOMEWHERE want to teach you about compassion, or tell you to act with kindness? I know I was told at least a million times to treat others how I want to be treated, or to act with kindness.... too bad, I rarely ever saw it happen. There was always some reason for someone to be mad about something. It was weird because I was surrounded by people praciticng Buddhism, but I didn't really understand the sacred way until two years ago. It's been a process, a hard process at that, of consciously awakening to my bad behavior, and I say bad for lack of better term, and pushing myself to respond rather than react. If I am able to respond with compassion rather than react with anger the situation usually turns out much better. There is a difference between giving your power away (for instance, listening to someone tell you all what you did wrong, even though you know you didn't actually do any of those things, and feeling bad) and actually showing compassion for someone. When you give your power away you partake in the other person's suffering. When you have compassion for someone, you understand that their feelings are normal human suffering feelings, and you give them love and hope they find a way out of it. There is no need for you to suffer with them, by suffering you're not changing anything.

Now that I am driven with compassion, I have a new vision for my life... it's the same direction, just more love involved. We are wanting to help the community grow closer to the Divine. We are opening our home up as a sacred place for healing, rejuvanting, and all else that one's spirit is called to do. The new vision for our lives is not just for Iris and I, it is for the community. If you are in the chattanooga area and are interested in what we are doing here at 709 Parsons Lane, contact me.




I haven't fully expressed this, but it has come up twice this week so I am thinking that the time is now to let it go. I cried tears of anger and sadness because I have this beautiful child and no partner to share her with. And it's not even that I am mad at Michael not being here, I am mad that it's not going to work out between us and I am mad that I have to feel this pain. I am not suffering through it though, I am taking it for how it is because I know how not to suffer. I didn't think my plan through when I went to Florida last year, and as much as I hoped and wished and prayed that Michael would be able to get his shit together some part of me knew that it wasn't going to happen. I feel embarrassed and sad when I think about the choice that I made- this is me caring about others opinions. I feel sad that I have nobody to share these moments with me, I feel sad that Michael is missing out on iris life. I seriously do not want this to be an issue for the rest of my life so whatever it is that's holding me back from moving on from this I gotta get through it. I keep asking myself why, and I am not meant to know why.... I keeping asking myself when I will find that partner and I don't know when.... I keep thinking that it will be never... I am angry because there are no answers to these questions.... I am just not meant to know. I keep comparing my journey to others STILL. Why am I still this little girl? This teenage mind of mine has got to go... I am just going to have to accept the circumstances for what they are and do my best. I can't know it all right now, and that's the truth of it all. I just have to keep hopeful and stay moving forward. Having a child with someone and then not being able to experience raising the child with that person is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but with time it will get easier. With time I will feel better. With time I will know more. With time I will grow. 

Until next time,


Friday, March 7, 2014

Expressions of dark and light

Conflict arises and here is my point.

 I gave away my power again. I am not too upset with myself though, because my true intention was to let her feel what she was feeling, and let her say what she was saying. She thought we were friends, and I mean we were in the facebook friend type of way. You see, there is a very particular way that I am attempting to live my life, and if you want to "make memories" with me you're going to have to be on my level, and let me tell you honey, I virbrate pretty high. I come off as arrogant because of it but I have every right to feel this way. These are my feeling and I am entitled to them. I let you say what you needed to say and I showed you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fucking compassion. Fuck, I understood where you were coming from, I listened to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallll of those things you said I did wrong. The truth is, honey... I did all of those things, and you declined. I showed you the kindness, I showed you the love, I taught you the chants, but you didn't listen. You didn't see it. I was showing you the light, I kept it shining bright, but you just didn't see it at all. It's cool because I've had this happen to me before, and now that it's happening again it makes complete sense to me. People are jealous of me because I am SOOOO there. I'm about as there as a 23 year old can get, and you want to be there to. It's rough when you see people in front of you succeeding, and it's suffering when you think you can't do it because I'm doing it. No, you can do it. I want you to do it. I want you to live up here on this vibration with me. It's not an exclusive club, but you do have to work to get to this point, just like everything else. It's very specific, methodic, and you have to be decicated, committed, and completely honest with yourself. It's a spiritual healing, physical healing, emotional healing. You can't blame other pepole for your problems, and you can't put someone at fault for your feelings. If you want to be where I am you have to realize that you're giving your power away to me, and I don't want your power. Your powerful on your own. You possess the same wisdom as I do, but it's a journey in honing that power. It's a journey in becoming your true authentic self. Those masks that you wear, the ones that fill you with hate, anger, fear, and nasty words that's not who you really are. It's not. You may FEEL that way, but that's not really who you are. That's not how you're supposed to act. And here comes my point. We are ALL one, regardless of whether you think so or not, and because we are all one, we all feel the same struggles, the same emotions, the same energy, and it can effect us in different ways. Regardless of how it may effect us, we can still show compassion for other people's struggle... and I showed compassion for your struggle, and if you can't see that, that's when I no longer reflect back to you your energy, that's when I take my power back and I give you back yours, and that's when I let it go. There are other people who can and will and want to struggle with you, but I'm not one of those people. The struggle is real, but you know what else is real? The ending of the struggle. What goes up must come down. I'm on the other side of the tunnel, the light is pulling me closer to it, and your energy is trying to drag me down, but the great part about it is that I am a strong one, I'm really fucking strong, and you can tug and tug and tug but I am gonna keep tugging back because the light is calling my name. Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Kali, Ganesha, Mother Mary, and all of my spirit guides are rooting for me. "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you ain't never gonna bring me down". Just keeping on swimming, just pulling myself up, I can do this, I can get thorugh the whole to experience Divine Healing Light, to be embraced by the extrodanary presence of All That Is. Humans are suffering. I am here to end that suffering. Me and a lot of other boddhitsatvas are here. We know where we come from, and we know what needs to happen. Community, love, laughter, light, HEALING. This is it, either our energies are going to create a New Earth on this planet, or our energy is going to come together and a new planet will evolve in our solar system for us peace keepers to move forward to. Either way, I'm not staying at the level you want me to be on. I send you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much love my dear. <3 <3 <3 <3 Because regardless of what you may feel, it's all love and the other stuff is just an illusion from the past.

Until Next Time,


Tuesday, March 4, 2014

old masks must go


It's the first thing that we learn to do here on this planet. We learn to trust the people who are taking care of our bodies, nourishing us, and loving us. The first five years is all about building trust. Our root chakra soaks in all that is surrounding our little selves during that time, which is why it matters what happened in our childhoods.

My parents hated each other. From what I have been told, and from recently dwelving (just for you Satori) deep into my root, feeling the emotions and such, I have found all the wounds my inner child received during that time. Ever since I started massage therapy school (and even before then) when anybody would touch my thighs I would want to fight back because of the tickles I was feeling. Tickling sensation represents pain, whether it be physical or emotional. I worked on it a lot last semester and it's gotten better since then, but today when I was receiving a hot stone treatment I found myself wanting to fight back again. I couldn't help but clinch up and tense myself when he touched me, and that's when it hit me.

I lack trust in my root chakra because of the fighting, the yelling, the unstableness of my family life when I was younger. I lack trust because my dad left when I was seven years old and it pained me to see him go. I lack trust because any time my dad said he would do something, it wouldn't be done, and there would be no explanation as to why it wouldn't be done. I lack trust because my mom stopped coming to my band recitals when she got sick and could no longer properly take care of me. I lack trust because of all the sadness I saw my mom go through after the divorce; her pain became my pain. I lack trust because I was made fun of in 4th grade for my hair not being "crazy enough" on crazy hair day. I lack trust because despite my efforts to show unconditional love to all who cross my path, the favor is rarely returned and I am left with the short end of the stick. I lack trust because the father of my child said he was going to do this and this and this and he never, nor will ever do any of that. I lack trust because when I opened up my inside world to a man i thought I could have a relationship with, he shut me down and rejected me after the fact.

With all this lack of trust, and knowing the root of this issue, I can now heal, and I can now rebuild. I am surrounded by trust worthy people, I am loved and noticed and appreciated for who I am. I can let the pain of my childhood go once and for all because, well frankly I am done attracting untrustworthy partners to me. I am done attracting incompatible partners, and I am done carrying this needless weight around with me. I am protected, I can open up to receive the love that I need. I can trust the people around me. These old masks that I am carrying can be left behind because they are no longer needed. I honor them, as they protected me when I needed that protection, but now I am safe, and it is all well in my world. This is me asking mother earth to open up and take back what she gave me to protect myself, and transform it into something else. I ask that all my old wounds be healed and filled up with love and light.

Until Next Time,


Monday, March 3, 2014

Midnight ramblings of love

There are things I learned as a child that I still incorporate in my behaviors today.  Chaos. A constant on going source of rage. Anger. Fear. Tons of it. Impatience, sooooo much of it. Crisis. However because I am an optimist I was able to see the true path that I am on. My sacred path. 

Have you ever felt that feeling of oneness? When your spirit and ego align,  and spirit tells ego something it never knew before. Epiphanies. Oh the epiphanies. Emotions. Joy. Stemming from a sense of fear. Wanting to hold my personal power back because it may just be too potent.... Untrue. A learned behavior that I saw. Rearranging of the molecular stucture of my mind, my body, my spirit. Spiraling upward. Who would want to miss the ascension??? The time when we are all looking up and down at the same time, realizing ourselves within our selves. Communicating our truths, with no judgements passing us by. Flowing. Fighting sleep like the little infant does at least once a day, like my little infant in me. Infinity, divinity. 

And now I sleep

Until next time,

Monday, February 24, 2014

Universal truths flowing through my fingers

Recently the focus has been so much on the divine feminine and I am now understanding that the reason is this; spirit IS the divine feminine while ego is the divine masculine. Our focus changed centuries ago to developing the divine masculine (ego) for reasons none of us really know, and in that process we neglected out divine feminine. She has waited patiently for us to return to her as she knew that we would eventually realize that there is not wholeness in this world without the balance of masculine and feminine energy. The oneness that we all speak of these days is THAT. It is the sacred union of the divine masculine and feminine energy which creates us. Emotions are out of balance when the feminine energy is neglected, looked down upon, or completely ignored. While I am writing this it feels like I am teaching myself something that I have known for a long time, something that I learned far and long ago which is probably why this lifetime it comes so easy to me; I have studied universal law since I was born, and this explains why I experience so much frustration at times. I am a bodhisattva of the earth, and I have come to show compassion for the human race, and my struggle is to actually show the compassion instead of the anger. My lesson is to be humble, understand that not everybody is going to learn as quickly or even at all, that some have come down to experience other things. I have said this all before, and I will say it again and again until each and every one of my brothers and sisters is awakened to the true potential of oneself and the universe. It is vital that we give birth, rebirth to our feminine selves once more. If I can find a way to explain this process to a nonbeliever I would be considered a modern day Jesus, and there are times when I think that that may be my calling. All I know is that my connection to source is abundant and strong, and I can only get closer to the love. I ask myself "when will it finally be my turn to teach what I know" and I know that time will be soon. The more I receive from my feminine source, the more my masculine source will learn, and the better the oneness will be. My mantra: my soul and ego are one. My truth: love. Sure, I can feel the sense of worry, but that is merely somewhere inside of me that is choosing to be disconnected. I want to rekindle my connection where it is lacking. The more connected I am, the more people I can help. The more people I can help open up to better understanding of themselves and why they are here the better I will be. The more sense I can make to other people the more people I can touch. The more people I can touch more love will be spread. We must honor life, we must honor sacred tradition, without it we would not be here. The feminine came first, we cannot deny our roots. We can not deny our creator any longer. We must accept that magic within us, we must accept our ability to change. We must no longer fear love; release old patterns of doubt, release old patterns of fear. The time is now to let go of old belief systems, they no longer work in this day and age!!! Be who our mother made us to be!!! GOD IS A FEMININE AND MASCULINE ENERGY ALL IN ONE. Spirit and ego are GOD. Which means when we are whole we become god/ess.  Life is full of lies, but once you know the truth, there is no looking back. Don't let your fear tell you any differently (because it will try to, like it always does) just know that fear is an OLD belief system. Don't be afraid because you don't know, be curious and corageous enough to find the answers you need to grow! Follow your bliss, forgive others, live the sacred path, embrace your inner god/ess! The time is now! The time is NOW. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

my life uncensored


Today started off a little bit on the wrong foot. I woke up late (I had been doing that for the past two days because I have just moved and I am getting adjusted and I feel tired) and had to pull over to the side of the road to feed Iris because she was just not having it. In doing this it made me realize that I had forgotten the breast milk at home. So back up the mountain I went, already running late for school. I just kept doing positive affirmations in my head, and I didn't let this set back get to me... I've been doing that a lot lately and it has truly done wonders for my life. I get to school an hour and fifteen minutes late, and when I arrive I find out that my teachers Dad is dying... I instantly hug her. The day went rather well until around lunch when I was called in to give a massage which wasn't on my clinic day, and I was totally fine with it. I came out of the massage and it was time to go, I told the massage manager of the day that my client needed to lay for about five minutes and that I had to go because it was time for me to take Iris to the doctor. Five minutes down the road I get a phone call saying that I had a massage to give that day from the lady who I just saw in the office, and I had told her that I wasn't going to be the one giving her one today... I don't really want to go into details about what happened, but basically I ended up getting sucked into the black hole of "we have to handle a problem you created because you forgot some things and we are now going to be super mad at you" and ended up crying. They had no fucking compassion. Not one bit. Which made me realize that this world is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too filled with hate for me. Seriously, the problem wasn't even that big of a deal, in fact it was solved so quickly and without me being there, but they all still felt like "i made the program look bad" and that I wasn't taking care of my shit, and it really wasn't even that big of a deal. Nobody died, she got a massage, she was happy, and everything went about smoothly. Why in the WORLD do we have to treat each other with so much incompassion? Yet another lesson learned in the importance of compassion. Of course, I forgave them for they know not of what they do, and I have compassion for them because they were suffering in that moment....


My living situation has finally been solved! I am living in the woods on a ton of land in an awesome house with my friends Mike, Satori, and Avian. We are building a community center here, and it is going to be soooo fantastic!!!!! I am mostly excited because I don't have to worry about going anywhere for a really long time and I can just chill and manifest goodness.

My new job is pretty cool. I make 7.25$ PLUS tips and the atmposphere is quite alright. Not too bad, i can see myself staying there for a while.

I am definitely growing as a massage therapist. The massage I got last night was a real eye opener about how I can improve SOOOOO much. I really need to get on learning the attachments and such because I realize the importance of knowing all this stuff, to really help someone's body.

Bonnaroo line up comes out today, and I am 100% sure that my all time favorite band Modest Mouse will be there.


My life is fantastic and I have so much joy and wonderful times, and I would say minus the 5% of the day that I didn't recieve any compassion, 95% of my day was filled with so much love, compassion, and joy. So what some people just don't get it, that's why us boddhitsatvas are here, ya know... to teach the stubborn human race how to treat one another. I am gonna keep doing me, keep showing my love, and shining my light because I am fucking awesome regardless of the minor mistakes that I make... the perks of being a new momma.

Until Next Time,


Saturday, February 1, 2014

Speaking my truths

Well folks, the journey has been... Well the journey. 

I am not too sure where I last left you off, but let me tell you where I am now. I have been exploring myself, changing my belief systems, and expanding my consconciousness consciously for two years now, and it's funny how I totally forget that in order to release you have to follow a very much step by step process... I still try to skip steps, probably because i can see where the wave is taking me and I want to get there, but I must follow the process. Changing human DNA through positive thinking, rerouting our karmic spirals and letting the love in is a magic, a science, a solution to our problems. Doing the work means following your cycles, paying attention to your feelings, assessing yourself and why you feel that way. Becoming my own therapist has been the greatest healing modality for me, especially when nobody is available at that moment.... Literally just walking up to that emotion and saying "hey dude, why do you feel this way? What is it that you're not getting?" And usually the answer has something to do with not feeling loved, and being afraid to accept love because it was the people who loved me that hurt me... When I can stay objective to how i feel that's when I can get the work done. I have all these feelings towards old friends, old lovers, anybody who came in my life before I had iris, basically I have some attachment to some pain that I felt, and as much as I wish the pain would just go away, it doesn't. It stays until I fully let it express itself, until I let it grieve what it thought it had lost, or hadn't received, until I show compassion for myself, until I just let it all out, that is when I feel peace. It's like I am walking through all the dark parts of myself, while shining the light on it, and the light makes the darkness feel seen, which allows an open communication between self and ego. Ego has to express why it feels it can't do its job, and spirit shows ego that what was believed before is no longer true and can be let go of. When that happens I either feel an intense release or I cry it the fuck out. And when I cry I sob as loud as possible and when I do that I feel the love of god/ess fill me up and bring me closer to it. This shadow work that I do is probably the most important thing I am doing; by changing my belief system, balancing my chakras, and letting my authentic self shine, I am changing everything around me. It's not about "who did this to us" as a human family we ALL have to take responsibility for the whole of negativity we fell into, we chose this, all great religions say that. Eve chose to ate the apple by choice.... God did not force her. We wanted this experience, and now we can go back.... We can be gods children through our actions not just through our words. Raise vibrations, experience love, it's needed. 

Until Next Time, 


Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Mask

I have been paying attention to my emotional cycles lately, and here is where I am at right now.

Root chakra:

I went and laid Iris on mother earth and we sat outside as the dogs ran around. I got a physic vision of Micheal being on his way to Chattanooga, and I immediately realized that whatever I send to the universe will determine the outcome of whether or not I see him. I was very clear in what I wanted, (which made me realize that the reason I have had such bad luck with men was because I was never really too sure as to what I wanted in a partner, so the universe was all like "is this what you want?"); I started with what I didn't want, and I said "I don't want to be in a relationship with Micheal"... "I want to be unavailable when he comes to Chattanooga". Seeing him would bring so much trouble into my life and I am seriously no longer creating that for my life. That's the reason why I don't hang out with the people who I used to be friends with. I keep thinking about Kalika, I can really feel this energy that her and I shared... when things got tough inside I would want to fight with her, which makes me realize that it was my choice to argue with her, she never forced me to argue with her... I chose that shit. I learned how to argue from my parents, and I had to play out that drama with someone, right? So I attracted people I could fight with, and hurt their feelings, get my feelings hurt, and never get to solution because that's how I grew up. Thank Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Mary Magdalene, Mother Mary, Mother Teresa, Ganesha, Kali, and all the Gods and Goddesses that that mask no longer has to exist.

I am tapping into my most sensitive, deepest, darkest emotions and I am feeling them, but I am not letting them control me. I have my sword with me, and I am conquering my lies with my truth. When you unveil yourself, you realize what was behind the mask was the unconditional love you were looking for all along, you just covered it up... maybe we thought unconditional love was something we could lose. Maybe because when we were children there was no explanation, or way for us to comprehend the amount of hate that surrounded our lives, so we created these masks to protect ourselves. Maybe the fear that we felt created the mask so it wouldn't happen again... after all, tiny humans are the most fragile emotionally. A lot of craziness surrounded me when I was a child; yelling, hitting, drug dealers chasing my dad trying to kill him, my mom never been available for me... when I look back and realize all of the events that happened in my childhood it is seriously a miracle that I did not end up worse off. Damn, our psyches, our bodies, remember every single feeling we have ever felt...  I felt legitimate fear one too many times when I was a child, but I have no memory of it in my mind, it's all in my body. Is it our mind that does it to the body? The masculine tries to control the feminine, tries to tell it what to feel, when to feel, how to feel, what it needs.... it's like "woah, back up a second buddy, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I need". When a baby is born that is its first experience of fear... right? Is fear just a concept in our minds? Is fear a belief system that can be reversed? I guess that's what I have been doing by healing myself, reversing the pain, telling myself that what I feel is no longer needed....

This is deep, deep healing work being done here in my body, in my mind, in my spirit. I can only hope that my friends are feeling this. Things that used to matter so much now make no sense as to why they were important, demons that used to control my thoughts no longer exist. I got deep DEEP into myself and I come out brand new each time and I really want more people to come with me. It's what is truly needed, and the time is now. The age of Aquarius is here, Peace is the outcome. I know, slowly but surely everyone will get there.

Until Next Time,


Thursday, January 23, 2014


My most recent ego obsessive behavior has been reminiscing on the past months when I was pregnant. The cycles I created based off the old paradigm I used to believe are back to haunt me. I have shown growth, because I am aware of these cycles and they are not the ones that are in control, I am standing my ground and staying heart center (probably because of all the yoga I have been doing lately), those cycles are merely background noise to the peace I feel.

There is something deep inside of me I feel really guilty about, and it has to do with Iris. I realized how irrational, unrealistic, and unreasonable it was for me to think that if I went to Florida I could convince the man the I "loved" (and I'm beginning to realize that I loved the idea of him, not who he actually was) to come to Chattanooga and live there with me was untruthful, beyond my reach, and impulsive. I am still trying to ask myself why I did it, and I feel guilty because I knew so much better than to do that, but I was so in fear.... and I was caught up in the magical world, and I wanted to learn how to use my new found power, but I didn't realize that by using my power I would first need to get rid of all the blocks so my intentions could be clear. I feel guilty and angry at myself because I added something into my life that wasn't a part of Divine Order, I used my free will to get what I wanted, and I still don't even know what it was that I wanted... Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Iris, it's just that I am still confused as to why I didn't use my brain.... I was following my heart, I had just gotten out of jail, I guess I should show compassion for myself.... regardless of whether or not I fully understand what I was feeling.

Part of the cycles I go through is impatience.... I get out into the world and I see everyone with their awesome boyfriend/girlfriend and my ego instantly is like "I want and need that, and I need it now" (which also may have been part of the reason why I ran away to Florida) and so I go out and seek it. I was told that I needed patience by a spirit guide of mine right before I left for California, and when I got to jail I was wiped with a wonderful healing light and cleansed by that spirit guide. She told me I had learned patience. I practice patience in almost every area of my life, but there are some things I feel like I can't live without, or that I have lived without it for so long that I am tired of waiting for it, and it feels like it is never coming. Impatience at its finest. It's the sense of angry and "why me? why do I have to wait so long to find the love of my life" Which turns into me trying to rush people into falling in love with me, which blows up in my face, EVERY SINGLE TIME. This self-destructive cycle has got to go.

I have just recently decided that I am in to win it, and that means there are going to need to be a lot of changes. The doubts I have about my writing are... there are no words for it. Language is a representation of communicating feel through symbols. We have done it since caveman era, the smybols have now developed into circles and angles that have a certain meaning. Progress. Growth. I should study language.

Enough ramblings for toeday

Until Next Time,


Friday, January 17, 2014

Seeing the Big Picture


The journey to excellence has begun. Mostly what I want to talk about today is the relationship I have with my mom. This is something that I have resisted talking about for many years because I want to feel like there is a difference between "talking shit" about my mom and just expressing how I feel about how her actions have made me feel my entire life. There is a thin line between disrespecting her and honoring her all while trying to figure out what boundaries I need to create to protect myself from her emotional vampire tactics. 

My mom has a lot of emotional issues, and because she never really tried to deal with them for whatever reasons (probably because she felt like she had to take care of everybody else) she started treating my brother and I like shit. I have spent the past year and a half accepting her, forgiving her, and gaining compassion for her. She doesn't want me to be mad at her, and I truly have forgiven her, but two weeks ago she verbally abused me because of the friends I have, what? It gets old, and it's tiring, and every time I'm with her I feel drained. 

Today I finally set the boundary, I told her that until she started showing respect for my creative power that I would not be wanting to be around her and seeing Iris. I just need this time to really establish how I nourish myself, and being around her makes me feel like I'm denying myself nourishment. I end up feeling guilty and drained or angry and frustrated after hanging out with her. I need my space to figure out how to develop a healthier relationship with my daughter so we can change this family karma... my mom did the same thing when she had me, creating distance from her mom. 

It's not that I don't want my mom to know Iris, that's what I want more than anything, but now is not the time. I need to figure out things for myself, and feeling guilty and angry is definitely not a part of my path anymore, and it's no longer needed. 

I see where I need to improve my mothering skills... 1. talking to Iris in baby voices rather than in serious voices (she likes the baby voices best) 2. lessening my frustration (I mean I don't get frustrated that much, but I would like to lessen getting frustrated. 3. Interacting more with her when she is awake. Maybe singing to her more, and dance around with her. I need to have more fun around her, outwardly. I think that's important. I am one of those people that takes life pretty fucking seriously... I kind of have this rigidness about me sometimes; I love to have fun, but i have this idea of what fun should be.... are there "fun" gods out there? how does spirit have fun? I definitely need to have more fun in my life, and lighten up a whole lot. I focus so much on healing myself, which is not a bad thing at all, but damn I'm not all fucked up, and having fun and laughing and being playful is super healing in itself!

The journey has only begun, and I'm definitely seeing that I need to start seeing the big picture of thing, and receive more fun in my life, because this could be my last time I come down to earth, and there is no other place like this.

Until Next Time,


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

baby luck :)

Am I seriously the luckiest person in the world?

So Iris is 3 weeks and one day old, and this transition into motherhood has been fucking great. I use the F word to emphasize how truly blessed I am that I have the most awesome new born in the world. I know what you're thinking, "everybody says that about their kid", but let me tell you, she is just SO well behaved already and it's only been three weeks.

*she has only cried for a matter of five minutes at a time and it's only when she is hungry, gassy/poopy, tired, or needs something.

*MOST of the time she sleeps for me, and I still get at least 7 hours of sleep a night.

*she eats like a champion, and totally has respect for when I need to take care of myself before I can take care of her... EX: I was feeding one day early on, and it was one of the first times that I was alone with her at the house; my nipples were SO sore and I just needed to take a shower, so I stopped feeding (and she didn't even fuss) and I told her in words "Mommy needs to take care of herself first, and then she can finish taking care of you". I brought the swing into the bathroom and I hopped in the shower. She sat there and stayed calm and just stared around the bathroom, giving me just enough time to relax myself and wash my body, then when I was done and she was tired of waiting she fussed and I got out. Perfect timing.

*SHE IS SO AWARE. Think about the most aware baby you could probably have, and that's my child.

*when I get frustrated for even a second she notices, fusses, and I realize that she can feel me and I instantly climb back up to the vibration it was on.

This is just my theory, but I am beginning to believe that all of the pre-natal yoga I did, pre-natal meditation I did, and just working really hard on myself rubbed off on her and she is just so pleasant to be around. I feel like she knows that I'm doing this alone and she is making it as easy as possible for me, also because I am taking the time to make my life easy as possible. When you're vibrating on grattitude, love, peace, joy, harmony, and passion life is SO easy, success is right around the corner, and the day to day routine is something enjoyable rather than dreadful. It's true what they say about kids, they know/are very connected to mother, and when something is good, they are good, and when something is "bad" (although I don't believe in bad anymore), they are "bad".

If this is the first three weeks of my kid's life, I can't wait to see the rest of it. It's amazing that I get to know this person a WHOLE lifetime. :) I get to see her grow from the tiniest to the biggest, and what an amazing journey this will be. It's amazing how much you can know about someone who can't even tell you who they are yet... and it's kind of weird that we start of knowing nothing about ourselves, but our mother's know every inch of who we are/how we will be.

I am so thankful for this wonderful, amazing miracle my little girl is. She is so filled with understanding and compassion for the world. My favorite thing to do with her is kiss her... and when I kiss her she makes the same face her dad made when I kissed him. I am happy that I loved the person I made a child with... that just makes it even easier.

I have come such a long way from the girl I was to the woman I am today, and I am truly thankful for my past self for working so hard, sooo hard to get where she is. She took out her sword and fought all the dragons without an ounce of doubt. You rock, now the warrior in me is learning how to be gentle  and kind in all the ways of the world, and as she proceeds on her journey to excellence, she knows that all is right in her and goddess Iris' world.

Peace, Love, Joy, and Gr attitude

Until Next Time,


Monday, January 13, 2014

Boundaries, Responsibilities, and Freedom

This weekend I went down the road of nostalgia; My lesson this lifetime is to learn how to let go of the past so I can continue to grow, and if I don't do that because I'm comfortable where I am, I will miss out on a lot of the stuff I came here to experience this lifetime. I wanted to feel what it was like when I was drinking and smoking cigs, and not giving one shit about life... irresponsibility at it's finest. I don't know why I wanted to experience that again... It's something that I crave, and the next morning when I woke up and I got a call from my mom telling me how horrible of a person I am I realized that all irresponsibility brought on was unhealthy relationships, BUT because of that last phone call I got from my mother I set an important boundary for my life, and I decided that it's not worth the risk to talk to her anymore. I love my mother very much, and if any of you know me, our relationship has pretty much been the same since i was a teenager... and it's funny because she expects me to do all the changing, and it's funny because I have actually done A LOT of the changing, yet she is still stuck in the same emotional body she has been stuck in for a long time. SO this is me saying, I love you, but I need my space from you, goodbye. And that's that.

Boundaries, they're my friends now. I didn't realize how important it was to set boundaries until recently having a little human. There is a lot of energy out there, and this tiny being is super sensitive, and her chakras are just now developing, and anything that feels uncomfortable will cause imbalance, so I am working my hardest to balance my root chakra right now (that's the chakra she is developing right now) so Iris can have a balanced root chakra; thus I need to set boundaries in order to protect my child from ill energy. I thought boundaries were some sort of restriction on life, something that said "no, you can't do this because I said so" and maybe that comes from how I grew up, and I always wanted to defy what my mom told me because I just didn't give a shit about what rules she was setting, and then again maybe it was because she really didn't know how to set boundaries either. Mother Earth is the creator of boundaries, I learned this past week. Boundaries are created to protect us from the energies that we do not need to be around. This type of energy is allowed in my home, and this type of energy is not allowed in my home... boundaries. I'm okay with boundaries now. I am going to set boundaries for myself at school, I start back up on Thursday.

School is filled with youngens who just got out of high school and are trying to make it in a big world; they were probably taught that competition was a reality (God Bless them), and they probably have a lot of insecurities, just like I did. Last semester I played out a lot of my insecurities, like all of them basically. These next two semesters that is not my intention to do that.... in fact, I want to feel secure in my creative power. I want to know that my creative power is healing and my touch is good and my massage is always improving. I want to be able to support others in their massage, and I want others to feel like they can be honest with me about my massage. I truly want to intend to portray my best self. I feel my insecurities mostly in my sacral chakra. Sensuality, sexuality, creative power. I am done feeling insecure about my sexuality, sensuality, and my relationships in general. In fact, I am now affirming that I attract only healthy relationships into my life. I deserve healthy relationships, and I will have them.

So, where I started with all of this. I wanted to see what it felt like to be irresponsible with my actions, and when I came home the next day, my circulation was completely wacked; my arms and legs and hands were completely numb, and I was afraid that I was dying. I smoked a HALF of a cig and this happened.... I pulled the Goddess Card, White Tara the next morning (I had actually pulled her three times in the past week, but I wasn't paying attention, I had to learn first hand) and it read "stay away from harsh chemicals and energies you are becoming increasingly sensitive" which is a part of the ascension I am undergoing right now. I realized that regardless of how I wanted to be, I had no choice but to be responsible for all areas of my life. I am probably never going to get drunk again, and that's really hard and sad for me to say because I used to love being drunk as hell with my friends.... I loved being wild, and not giving a shit. I loved the rebellious Olivia, but that Olivia can be no longer. It is my souls mission in life to incorporate a good reputation, and I can't be wild anymore.... i physically can't be wild anymore. I am going to have to find new ways to express my freedom because I know myself and if I don't feel free I don't do the things that I am supposed to do. That's enough for today.

Until Next Time,


Wednesday, January 8, 2014

The possibilities are endless

Below is an email I wrote to a friend in August of 2012 right before I left on my journey to becoming a Goddess. :) I just thought I would share it to encourage people that it is possible to change yourself, the odds are in your favor, the time is now. Light, love, and healing. <3 

There are so many things that keep coming to my mind each and every single day. I feel myself getting closer and closer to it all, and I can feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I need this year in chattanooga to fix things with my mom. I know that if I can let go of the past, realizing that it can't be changed, and the only thing I can change is my future with my present thoughts only projecting positivity, I can just be happy every single day. I keep thinking to myself that I was looking for happiness outside of myself for all these years, when all along it was right inside of me. Once I can tap into that happiness, and be stable and at peace with my mind, I can start helping other people. I still have to figure it out a little bit more, but I was just having so many ephanines every single day last week my mind was seriously blown. Like for instance, I was in the car with Shannon (this girl from Humboldt Co. you gotta meet her, she's on our level of thought and wants to help people too) and I was thinking about something that Mikey said to me a long time ago, and it was "insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result". That's when it hit me, Mikey has been doing everything that he does right now getting fucked up, fucking girls on the side while he's in a serious relationship (which he is STILL doing... he's trying to get our friend Shannon to fuck him before she goes back to California), and thinking the same way since he was 12 years old. It all hit me at once, Mikey thinks he's insane... but the thing about it is, he KNOWS he can change, but he just doesn't want to change for whatever reasons... and that's when I let go of him. That's the day I realized that he and I have a very deep bond, always have and always will, but he has got some shit to figure out, and he will, because he has all the tools in his head. And when he does figure it out, he's going to do great things with his life. For right now I am probably not going to hang out with him anymore. School is starting, I'm working on staying as focused as possible on my positive thinking, and I have some things to take care of within the next coming weeks. 

I started writing about, what I call it, my new found religion. But it's not a religion really, its a way of thinking. I guess it's what the Buddha was attempting to tell people all along? I don't know. Yesterday at work I made myself trip. When you're tripping your whole entire brain is stimulated, which is why people feel as though they are in a state of enlightenment sometimes. I realized that if I slow my thoughts down in my head, and if I focus really hard I can reach that state and be here now. I did it when I was at work. Something happened, and I was just like "wo, acid flashback". I walked over to Mikey and he was like "i heard you were having acid flashbacks" I said "yeah, i'm pretty sure I'm using 100% of my brain right now" and that's when he said "Those aren't even real, I think you're confused".  It wasn't even something I thought about before I said it, but I was like "I love you, but your opinion doesn't matter to me anymore really".  I walked away and it felt so good. I seriously didn't feel the need for him to be like "what, why? my opinion should matter to you" I just didn't care anymore. 

Everybody's life is hard, that's something I've been realizing more and more every single day. I was sitting outside with this girl I've known since high school, and this guy was sitting next to us smoking a cig. He started talking to us and came out with his life story. He was from Arizona and lived on a Native American reservation. I got really excited and asked him how it was; without hesitation he said "pure hell". He said the gang violence, the amounts of suicide in the schools, and the alcoholism made the reservation miserable. He said countless numbers of his friends and family had been killed or killed themselves. He moved away from Arizona to start a new life, so he could be happy. The whole time I was just soaking in his background and realizing that for real though, EVERYONE'S LIFE IS HARD. 

The power of my thoughts are ridiculous. I think something Jennilee, and it fucking happens. The number of South Americans who have been coming into Panera is countless. I met this family from Argentina the other day, and they gave me great aspect on where to go and where not to go. I have been thinking a lot about my background, and this black guy I work with name Demtrius, he and I have started talking about a lot of deep shit, and he's on that level to, which really suprised me because he's straitght up hood, but is helping me understand where my Dad came from, because he was like that.  He told me that it was a good thing that I still talked to my Dad, because that's my black background, and I need to understand that so I can understand myself. SHIT SERIOUSLY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Then he went on to say that I shouldn't be afraid because if I can surround myself with positive people, everything is going to be alright. WHAT THE FUCK. This is the kid who gave crack to Mikey, and he's speaking such words of wisdom. That experience made me realize that the power of positive thinking and reaching the higher self is seriously in EVERYONE. I'm interested more and more each day about people's backgrounds, because like you said, everybody does come from a different background. 

When you asked me if I was in this to make a name for myself, my ego was. The real Olivia, the higher self Olivia, the Olivia who I have always been, but lost track of along the way, was always in this to help others. I've had this knowledge my whole entire life, I've felt it. I just let the outside world distract me, discourage me, and beat me down, and lost sight of it all. Once I get the hang of this all, once I start mastering my mind every single day, once I can start dreaming while awake, then I will begin my journey to helping others. I get lazy sometimes, and I don't want to work on it, but I also know working on this every single day will not only benefit me, it will benefit all of humanity

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

shadow work at its finest

This morning as I was staring at my daughter, holding her little head in my hands, soaking in the unconditional love she was sharing with me, the healing light rushed through my veins, and I cried those big, sobbing tears of unconditional love... like the tears I cried when I was in Santa Rosa with Micheal and God touched me with his light. I found myself through someone else, and it may or may not work out, and it probably won't work out, I mean to say that I probably have no idea how the fuck that would work, and I don't really know if my heart desires that... If my heart truly desires Micheal, and if I do truly desire Micheal then how in the world do I make that work? How do we take back all of the things we said? How do we find ourselves in ourselves? I can't be with him because there are so many trapped emotions in my root chakra, and I just have to keep coming into my Goddess self, my Divine Feminine will allow me to balance, will allow me to thrive. The trick is being completely and 100% honest and raw with myself... and there are so many things that I just really didn't like about Micheal, because there were so many things that I didn't like about myself. All I know is that I want my life to be as simple and stress free as possible and my intuition tells me to not even worry about that... but that still doesn't answer the question, is that what I truly desire? It was what I thought I truly desired... it was my first taste of unconditional love, and that is something that I truly do desire. I have a feeling that Micheal is an ego game, but there is this part of me, this Goddess self of me that say if I am capable of being my Goddess self, I will attract my partner, God self to me. I think of the times where Micheal and I were just completely 100% in love and in the moment, and flowing with the infinite, and sure it was mostly when we were tripping acid, but every once and a while I would get a glimpse of what Micheal really was.... The day I met him I felt like a Goddess; I remember I had my hula hoop in hand and I had just learned a ton of new tricks; the sun was shining, I was discovering my divine feminine, Gaia was vibrating high above herself through me; I couldn't help but want to fall in love that day. I created a child with someone, that is a sacred union. We merged our DNA's, we created the baseline for the lesson our little girl is going to use to breakthrough karma. I don't have to feel guilty for not making a sacred relationship with Micheal; I wasn't even near that. I was still a wounded warrior, healing my wounds from the past. I am now moving into my Goddess self, the Divine Feminine energy that is waiting to pour through me, and all of the other women in the world. I cannot not wait to see what she can manifest. As far as the question goes for Micheal, a real Goddess does not worry about where her Divine Masculine is coming from, she knows that when the time is right he will appear in her presence. Although I honor my ego and respect her feelings, I must not allow her to block me from what I want, and that is a sacred relationship.

On another note,

I have all these weird feelings toward the people I am in massage therapy class with. I feel weird because like people want to connect with me, and I want to connect with others, but I want to connect with other people's God/ess self, not ego self. Therefore I immediately put up walls, and exclude myself from connecting with them. It's interesting because last semester I felt so much anger toward the girls who sat in the back corner and talked shit about me... I want to honor these emotions, because ego asks that I do. I felt angry out of defensiveness because what they were saying about me was not the truth of who I am, and ego's first instinct was to get angry... I have been carrying around this anger for quite some time and it will start to turn into resentment if I don't let it out. I felt a shit load of competitive energy in our class last semester, and because I am a natural at massage, and my soul's journey, and being the wounded warrior that I was, I attracted a lot of backlash/hate toward my being. This backlash/hate that I was feeling toward me in the classroom definitely effected me, confused me, and actually hindered my performance of my gift. It threatened me, it told me I wasn't good enough... I told me that I wasn't good enough. There is this one girl in particular who reminded me of myself in many ways, and also reminded me of the girls in middle school who I thought hated me. I began to look at her has the biggest competition, and I mean I even went so far as to sabotage myself and give a really bad massage just so she could feel worthy.... the anger I felt toward her and her clique was hindering me. All of the drama that goes on in the classroom was forced upon me since day one; Ms. Renee wanted us to feel like family, she wanted us to mesh well... and that just didn't happen. It didn't happen because it didn't need to happen... everyone is on their level, and I am functioning on another level than every single person in that class. I can offer them help in their lives, but I must let go of this anger and function at all times with complete compassion and joy. I must receive from the divine feminine to embody my Goddess self so I can overcome my struggle. These feelings of being left out, hurt, of not ever fitting in with my peers brings confusion; am i merely placed in certain places just so I give compassion and joy where it truly is needed? My ego wants to say "that if I try to act like a saint, the girl in the back of the classroom will say things about me", my ego wants me to worry about what others think of me. My ego is blocking my Goddess self from shining through and coming in, my ego need not protect me from compassion and joy. My ego has her reservations because she has showed kindness before and she has gotten put down for being nice. My ego has her reservations because she feels like she wants to give help to them, but she doesn't want to receive from them because she feels like they have nothing good to give her in the first place. This turns into a downward spiral of feeling guilty, feeling guilty because my ego wants to be able to have her own car, but she has to wait 3 weeks to get it, and she have to find a way to get to school, and rely on someone again. She thought maybe one friend would be able to help, but my ego now feels judged and put on the block because apparently "her parents just aren't having it" and that makes no sense to my ego, and that just proves to my ego that she was right, nobody in the class wants to help her... nobody can help her. And these are the emotions my ego feels, and these are the emotions that flow through my physical being, and even flowed through in words last night. My ego wants to make sense of what and how she feels this way. I must stop resisting, I must surrender and let go. I feel like I come off has a little bit damaged, a little dangerous and rebellious, and people don't like that. People tend to steer clear of the wild child, and let's face it, a lot of me is super wild. I feel guilty for having done bad things in my life... rephrase: i feel like I scare/have scared people away because my energy emanated "danger" and "risk".... but that was never my intention. I have falsely shown myself to the outside world for years, and I want to allow my Goddess self to shine through bright and loud and clear because now is her time to thrive. I am not a heartbreaker, I am not toxic energy... I no longer wear the mask of my wounded warrior, she is healed and she is falling more and more in love with life and herself each day. I ask for help, I ask for the Goddess and Gods that have come before me, as I bow in gratitude, to show me the way, help me release these trapped emotions in my intuition When I feel like I cannot act as my Goddess self, and my ego wants to break through, I create the boundaries needed to allow the Divine Feminine to flow freely.

Until Next Time, 


Friday, January 3, 2014

Anger Needs Compassion


I have been feeling a lot of anger lately and I'm just going to let it all out. For some reason I have been allowing other people's judgement  of my life effect me, and it's probably because I'm a human but it's okay. Let's get this straight real fast...

 I don't give a FUCK what you think about my situation and how I "illegitimately" got knocked up by some homeless person that I met while travelling... it's my story, not yours so you can just back the FUCK up and leave your comments about living an honest life.... I LIVE MORE OF AN HONEST LIFE THAN YOU WILL EVER EVEN KNOW. It makes me laugh how people are oh so quick to judge me when they are probably still lying to themselves about who they are and what they came down here to do. But as I know, anger needs compassion.... so being the good person that I am, I am going to show you compassion. I understand that your life hasn't turned out the way that you want it, and you have no hopes of making it better... and the little stab that you have taken at me about MY life (a life that you are not in fact living might I add) may or may not have made you feel better, or I guess feel some sort of pride... I mean I don't really know what you feel, but it must have made you feel something good in order for you to want to say it. I mean, I'm not going to dwell on what your problem is, I am just going to pray that you find a solution.

Little tiny humans come into this world and no nothing about morals, and ethics, and judgements, and it is our job as elders/parents/lovers to teach them one thing, and that is HOW TO LOVE. Judgement is not a part of life. Iris is going to know exactly what happened between her father and I, and that is not going to stop her from knowing how to love. SHE WILL NEVER FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT BEING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, because she will know by watching me, despite said "adversity", separation is an ILLUSION, it does NOT EXIST, therefore we are all one. I will not allow my daughter to feel separate from everybody else because I got pregnant without being married. "The bible says..." no, no, no.... MAN TAMPERED WITH THE BIBLE BABY, there is no way Jesus judges me and denies me from heaven because I brought a BEAUTIFUL LITTLE HUMAN INTO THE WORLD. I will say this, I may have wanted her for selfish reasons, and to be honest, most people who have children do want them for selfish reasons, but now I am learning how to be totally selfless.

So with all of this said, despite what some may think (and of course I am attracting these feelings to me because I feel them somewhere deep inside) I am going to be a bad ass mother fucking mom, and all that really matters is that Iris is loved and knows how to become her true authentic self. :)

With all that said I let it go, I forgive myself for feeling guilty, I forgive others for their judgments.

Until Next Time,


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Relationship Ramblings

Sometimes I come to my blog with someone in mind and those trapped emotions ready to flow through my finger tips, other times I come to my blog and I want to tell a story but the words haven't quite formed so I am unable to tell the tale I want to. There is something about my writing that I have to feel in order to fully express my being of the moment... and my best pieces come from a place of passion.

I've expressed many things on my blog about the father of my child, mostly rants and raves of his unfortunate characteristics that hold him back from being a man. I have expressed many things about my friends, one in particular, who effects me in a way a lover would. I have expressed about my feelings towards a man who I was dating for a short period of time, his presence effecting my daily life. All three of these relationships that I have had, had something in common with one another... they all bring out this part of me that is not-so-healthy.

Micheal: The Baby Daddy 
Really, probably the first person in this embodiment that I have loved in a romantic, intimate way. It all happened so fast; one day we were just meeting each other in California, the next day I was having his baby... what the fuck just happened here? I can't help but wonder how the stars had to be aligned in order for us two individuals to meet, fall in love, and make one individual. It's like I have the best of him sitting next to me in the embodiment of this little girl, who is precious and adorable and wonderful. But how did Micheal not get this far with me? Alright, so if you have read any of my blogs from the past you can tell by the way I speak of Micheal that he has not made... well he has not made any good choices for his life; in fact I was probably the best choice he ever made. You see Micheal represents (to me) my rebellious side; the girl inside of me that wanted to say "fuck you society, fuck you court system, fuck you everyone" yeah that's what Micheal represents. That's who I was when I met him... (un)fortunately that MO didn't work out too well for me, and I ended up having to change.... I didn't realize that Micheal was STUCK, and has been stuck in a lifestyle for the past 16 years and there probably wasn't any chance of him ever changing... The heart ache I felt when I realized that the man I was in love with and having a baby with was never going to change hurt more than I could imagine heart break hurting... and although it doesn't hurt anymore, I still feel this lingering air of hoping that he will call me and say "hey, I love you, I want to change my lifestyle, I want to find out my purpose/role in society...." but it's too late for that, and besides if he didn't want to change the way he lived for himself, why would he want to change for Iris and I? The truth of the matter is, although he and I rocked each other's world, and shared a feeling of ecstasy for one another, our relationship was based on lies of one another, and the foundation fell apart quickly. Thank you for the beautiful daughter, you're not healthy for me, so I'll be on my way.

Kalika: The Best Friend 
I love this girl more than life, I have cried tears of pure unconditional love for her, and if I think hard enough about it I could muster up the tears to do it right now. She enabled a lot of my bad habits at first, until the day we said no more and rebelled against it all.... there is so much karma in this relationship, so much love, so much hate, there is just SO much to who Kalika and I are, who Kalika and I have been, and when she tries to pretend that she doesn't care I don't believe her because I can tell in her heart that her "hate" for me, is her "hate" for herself. We know too much about the other, so much that we can tell what the other is supposed to be focusing on and learning... and instead of supporting the other with compassion and understanding, we (and by we I mean she) find(s) a way to make it as though the said bad habit/action is being done to the other on purpose, thus causing distrust, havoc, and chaos in the relationship. I couldn't tell you how many times in the past two years that I have been best friends with Kalika, then we hang out, then we aren't friends for a while, then we are friends again after much needed space to learn how to express our creative selves in a healthy way.... the unfortunate part of all of this is that when we finish one obstacle, another is shoved in our face, and the cycle repeats itself. How can this be? I just want my best friend and I to get along. I want to relate to her in a way that we can actually enjoy each other's company rather than hate on each other's flaws. Anger needs compassion.

Gabriel: The Fuddy 
It started off like Pretty Woman; you know the part where they go to the polo match... yeah that was my life for a second. I had the guy, and we went on the field and we did the duggets, and we looked at the horses, and we kissed in my room when we got home. It was super cute, it was what I needed for the time... that rebound from Micheal was definitely what I needed. Then I started moving things along quickly; I was about to have a baby, I needed to know if he was going to get serious with me... I needed it to be one way or the other, I couldn't do the whole in between. He brought out my anxiety which turned into my jealousy which turned into my over emotional expression of my feelings of rejection. I am beginning to think I created it all in my head with my thoughts.... and I mean, I totally did. I felt like he was a drug, something that I couldn't get enough of... but I knew if I had it all the time I would easily get bored with it. We had a few things in common, but there was a whole lot we didn't have in common. He liked to carry a gun, and I'm definitely not about that life. It ended for the best, and it was a short lived fantasy... Fear of rejection caused me to pick a person who was not compatible for me. I am beginning to believe that I can be accepted for who I am, and the person who I would be most compatible with, most balanced with, will accept me once I accept me.

Why do I talk about these relationships? Because  last night I found myself yearning for all three of these people...

Micheal had called, and the rush of hormones sent me into a love spell once more, and I couldn't say anything to him accept "you're not healthy for me".

 Kalika stays on my mind, we are very in tune with one another's energy, and there are times when I want to call and tell her how baby Iris and I are doing, and there are times when I cry because I miss her so much. We let our egos get in the way of the reality that we are both two very amazing human beings on our path, creating love and light whereever, however we go. I hope she finds her way back to me, because in my heart I will never leave her side.

Gabriel still crosses my mind.... I told him I could love him, and I probably could have, but I'm happy I didn't try. I wasn't ready to bring much compassion to that relationship, we would have ended up fighting and making one another feel rejected and miserable. I think I just liked the fact that he was super into me... he was calling me and texting me and was chasing ME. He was accepting me, and then I let my jealous/possessive ego come out to play and attempted to make it a reality, and that's when he was rejecting me. I would reject someone like that too... nobody wants a jealous, possessive partner.... FUCK I don't want a jealous, possessive partner. I think he impacted me because he allowed me to see my dark side in the light of it all.

I wanted to shame myself for not being able to go out on new year's eve, not having someone to kiss at midnight, not getting drunk with my friends. I wanted to shame myself for staying at home and going to bed before midnight because I have a new born baby and I'm tired all the time. I wanted to shame myself for not being a sufficient partner to any of these people, I wanted to make it my fault that our relationship has failed/is failing. I didn't do that though. I told myself to stop.

I have come to realize in the years of my life that sometimes what everyone else is doing is NOT what I need to be doing. My birth chart said I have an internal battle between my wants and needs, and this is a prime example. I WANT to be with Micheal, but I need to stop rebelling against the system and go on with my life because that's what I came down here to do. I WANT to be hanging out with Kalika, but I need to grow up (something that she is not necessarily doing right now), not take so many risks with myself, and care for my life. I WANT to hang out with Gabriel, but I need to be focusing on accepting all of myself so the right man will come my way. This battle in these three relationships has to come to an end if I am to ever reach my goal of having a healthy, balanced, intimate, romantic long term relationship with someone.

It's the first day of the year, my 23rd birthday is in 28 days, and I am a mama now. My resolution is to continue on my path of becoming closer to who I truly am each and every day, perform my daily tasks with ease and a heart of gold, and learn how to have a healthy, intimate romantic relationship with a man. I can do all these things because I have a say in who I am, who I am becoming, and who I will be.

Until Next Time,