Being such a free spirit, I am so confused on the concept of boundaries.
Here's the thing, I can always see where people are actually coming from when they do things that may "effect" me emotionally, and "cross" something that hasn't been crossed before. I think about God and I think about how God has no boundaries, and based on all the definitions we put on God, we GAVE it boundaries. God is spirit, spirit can do whatever it wants, spirit has no boundaries, spirit is free. When we come down here, Death becomes a reality, and people play into that fear of death. What they didn't tell any of us (as still some of you who read this may not believe me, and are too caught in the logistics of it all) is that DEATH IS NOT FUCKING REAL. Spirit is eternal. We all have a spirit, therefore we never die. Our consciousness (Universe) is forever just as much as our body (Mother Earth) is. Until our spirit decides to split off and do something else, which is highly unlikely any time soon, we're all going to be just fine. So I come back to boundaries. If we eliminate the fear of death, as I have told myself many times before, then what would we need boundaries for? Boundaries come from wanting safety within your home, within your body. Wanting to feel comfortable, wanting to feel joy, ease, and basically no discomfort at all. Our human way of fixing this "problem" of wanting to feel safe? Boundaries. Don't do this because it will lead to this, and it will cause this, and this and this and this and this. Alright, you basically just predicted your future because you created all of that happening in a certain way IF your boundaries would be crossed. Is more at stake when you begin to acquire things (i.e. a car, a home and all the THINGS that come within the home, and the responsibility of maintaining the home), is there a need for boundaries when you begin to raise children...
I can come to this point, yet I can go either way. I'm at a crossroads within myself. Do I create boundaries, or do I allow my true essence to guide me and I know that I'm going to have all the time and space I need to do all the creative expressions I want to do in THIS body, and if I choose, I can live forever (because I am spirit, and spirit is God), IN THIS BODY if I choose. It's all choices. Each person has their own way of learning, and each person has their own journey. Some create many many many many MANY boundaries, while others only have a few... I can create mine right now.... and as I sat there for a second, I couldn't.
I was raised in a home with absolutely no boundaries, and ALL THE TIME my body boundaries got crossed when my mom would hit me... in fact I felt as though I was never allowed to have boundaries for myself because I was too busy trying to respect others' boundaries, and I never had time for my own. So I became free, I created a place with no boundaries.
If having boundaries is knowing when to get the fuck out and when to stay, then I guess you could say I have a boundary for that, and that defines me safety. I know what's good and I know what's bad, because I guess I do have to face the fact that I live in a world of duality, attempting to bring the oneness through the backdoor to save me from the sufferings of birth and death.
I put a lot of boundaries on the lover that I want, and those boundaries actually got me in a lot of "trouble" based on my last relationship. How can you be honest with someone, when they're not even being honest with themselves? The monster of duality is haunting our relationships, is creating a struggle, a contrast, a push and pull between our brothers and sisters, and we are not living as harmoniously as we could be. God is all of us. God is one. Our spirits all come from the same place, but down here because we are all in separate bodies, we seem to believe we are all separate entities, and I am even guilty of separating myself from my brothers and sisters in life. I want to take all the good and say "yep that's a part of me too" and I want to let go of all the bad, recognizing it as something that is not mine... but the fucked up reality of it all is that, the good and bad came from the same fucking place... and that place was God, and spirit created this duality to learn something about itself... to learn what it could do? To learn how much it could ACTUALLY create? Spirit didn't realize by splitting into two, that Matter would turn into Anti-matter, maybe? No, of course God realized it was doing... and that's where the emotions come in. The mystery of life. Boundaries, safety, security. Keeping God close. Knowing that GOd is always there, and never left us anyway. Whatever I do, I am safe. Wherever I go, my true essence is guiding me. The only boundary I have is to be aware, be conscious, be open and receptive to new ideas and new perspectives, create ALWAYS out of love, be honest with myself, let go of what is no longer needed, and be free.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
summer shenanigans
Well folks, as everyone is wrapping up with their finals at the University here in Chatty, I'm preparing to go on TV with my mother. My summer shenanigans are starting off with a huge bang! I'm going to be going on the Judge Mathis Show with mother dearest; you see there was this house that I really wanted back when I was 19, and mama got it for me. Too bad her silly daughter (i.e. me) didn't know what the fuck she was doing, and proceeded to not pay the rent... needless to say mama lost about 3000$, and she is now suing me on national television to get her money back.
If you don't know how these silly judge shows work I'll let you in on the skinny: 1. All expenses are paid, including meals, (and probably booze) room and broad, and travel. 2. There is a 5000$ pool of money set aside for the case, and once the judge has ruled the case, the plaintiff gets his/her money, and whatever is left over of the pool of 5000$ is split between the plaintiff and defendant. That's right folks, I'm getting paid to go air my dirty laundry. Why not do it? I'm not embarrassed, and who knows my 15 minutes of fame may get me a hell of a lot more good publicity than I may even know.
In other news, Bonnaroo is in 55 days, and my free ticket is on it's way. :) I'm stoked to see The XX, Passion Pit, and Matt & Kim! Last year was a total shit show, and I will NOT be making the same mistakes I did last year.
Things you DON'T do at Bonnaroo in order to have the best experience: IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO GET SHITFACE DRUNK WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS THE NIGHT BEFORE THE FESTIVAL EVEN STARTS. Be careful when you buy drugs, because they're not what you think they are... ever. If you're going just to get fucked up, you might as well just stay your ass home. That's what I did last year, and I remember waking up in my friends car to him saying "hey dude, you're home..." I rubbed my eyes, and said "nah dude, i'm still at bonnaroo..." He pulled me up. "Is that not your house right there?" The last thing I remember is playing slap the bag with some kids, and walking to the Phish so... I was later told that I passed out on some dudes backpack for the whole concert.
Needless to say, this year is going to be a hell of a lot different for me- as an experienced rooer', I'm going to take all the precautions I need in order to actually SEE my favorite bands, rather than pass out at their shows.
In more professional news, I will be taking summer classes at UTC. I have officially (finally, really) become a communications major. The department is already in love with my worldly views, and I can't wait to start writing for The Echo and fulfill my dreams of being a journalist. There is something to expressive about writing; it's mysterious really. Sure, people who read my blog know me, but when I write I become a different person- a character that I created specifically for this. Maybe I watched a little to much Smallville when I was a kid, but I've always dreamed of working at a newspaper with a man just as beautiful as Clark Kent. Once you start allowing your true essence to create, everything falls into place. Needless to say, I'm excited for summer- many great thing are happening, and I'm beginning to thrive. Thank you so much to everyone out there who has supported me in my journey thus far, life is good, and so are you guys!
Until next time,
-Olivia
If you don't know how these silly judge shows work I'll let you in on the skinny: 1. All expenses are paid, including meals, (and probably booze) room and broad, and travel. 2. There is a 5000$ pool of money set aside for the case, and once the judge has ruled the case, the plaintiff gets his/her money, and whatever is left over of the pool of 5000$ is split between the plaintiff and defendant. That's right folks, I'm getting paid to go air my dirty laundry. Why not do it? I'm not embarrassed, and who knows my 15 minutes of fame may get me a hell of a lot more good publicity than I may even know.
In other news, Bonnaroo is in 55 days, and my free ticket is on it's way. :) I'm stoked to see The XX, Passion Pit, and Matt & Kim! Last year was a total shit show, and I will NOT be making the same mistakes I did last year.
Things you DON'T do at Bonnaroo in order to have the best experience: IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO GET SHITFACE DRUNK WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS THE NIGHT BEFORE THE FESTIVAL EVEN STARTS. Be careful when you buy drugs, because they're not what you think they are... ever. If you're going just to get fucked up, you might as well just stay your ass home. That's what I did last year, and I remember waking up in my friends car to him saying "hey dude, you're home..." I rubbed my eyes, and said "nah dude, i'm still at bonnaroo..." He pulled me up. "Is that not your house right there?" The last thing I remember is playing slap the bag with some kids, and walking to the Phish so... I was later told that I passed out on some dudes backpack for the whole concert.
Needless to say, this year is going to be a hell of a lot different for me- as an experienced rooer', I'm going to take all the precautions I need in order to actually SEE my favorite bands, rather than pass out at their shows.
In more professional news, I will be taking summer classes at UTC. I have officially (finally, really) become a communications major. The department is already in love with my worldly views, and I can't wait to start writing for The Echo and fulfill my dreams of being a journalist. There is something to expressive about writing; it's mysterious really. Sure, people who read my blog know me, but when I write I become a different person- a character that I created specifically for this. Maybe I watched a little to much Smallville when I was a kid, but I've always dreamed of working at a newspaper with a man just as beautiful as Clark Kent. Once you start allowing your true essence to create, everything falls into place. Needless to say, I'm excited for summer- many great thing are happening, and I'm beginning to thrive. Thank you so much to everyone out there who has supported me in my journey thus far, life is good, and so are you guys!
Until next time,
-Olivia
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Angsty and Restless
It's been three days since I've been home- well scratch that, five days, but same difference. I'm fucking restless.
The meditation and yoga first thing in the morning has been nice, and studying my intuition has been a great help to knowing where I need to go. I'm done though. I'm done dealing with my mother's immaturity.
You guys will laugh. I go to her house yesterday, just to- go see her. I had gotten some stuff done, and was walking around downtown (met some cool kids from Humboldt Co. and a 30 year old train hopper, she wasn't crusty either) when I decided to take the two mile walk to her house. I get there, and instantly when I walk in she says "Didn't Matt tell you NOT to come here, what the fuck is going on?" Having been yelled at most of my life I was used to her screaming tactics, and just said "Yeah, he didn't. I'm here now. Can you feed me, I'm hungry" Of course her seven sensitive dogs wouldn't stop jumping on me, I knocked them down with my hand... why was she so fucking angry all the time? I mean, I could tell you guys the root of the problem, AND she even knows the root of the problem, but refuses to fix it. She screamed "I'm fucking cooking right now, just get out of my space" I went out on the porch and sat. "Breathe" I said. I took a deep breath. My ultimate goal at all times is ALWAYS peace. She stomped outside, "here eat this bread, peanut butter and jelly" I knew that wasn't all she had, but she didn't want to share. The thing about my mom is that she never learned how to let go of all her past issues, and she has now created a prison within her mind full of sorrow, anger, irritation, and TONS of limitations... rarely does she allow something good to happen to her in her reality... it's sad for me to watch. It's even more sad for me to think that her family created a monster as such, and that I came from that monster's vagina.
I went inside the room and sat down "just stay in there and when I'm done you can come out" I shook my head while I made my sandwich. I had just walked six miles, I needed nourishment. I'm not in jail, she can't tell me where I'm "banished" to, I'll just fucking leave. I thought as I twisted the caps on the PB&J. I handed her her stuff, and filled up the water bottle partially. "OLIVIA WHERE ARE YOU GOING COME BACK I NEED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, HOLD ON, PLEASEEE" I kept walking, as I always do. You can't treat people like shit and expect them to stay around, (a lesson I learned the hard way, but am now very considerate of my friendships and lovers) I got to the gate and turned around. My anger took over me, I threw the water bottle at her "Let me know when my REAL mother comes back, I don't know who this crazy bitch is".
I walked two more miles to a friends house. I dodged the guilt trip I wanted to run on myself, I threw it out the window. It was no longer needed. My mother is her own person, (i forgot to mention that I took some of her leggings because I needed clothes to wear, and she attempted to run after me, tell me those were all the CLOTHES she had, and wrestle me for them) and the reality she creates for herself I am no longer a part of. She's gone completely bilistic, and as sad as it is for me to know that I'm going to have to do this, but this is my goodbye tour to my mother.
Apparently we're going on the Judge Mathis Show, she's suing me for the money she spent on a house she helped me rent in Atlanta, GA... after we get paid for this, I'm done. I'm done playing this reality with her. I feel like I have a debt of gratitude to pay to her, so I can move forward... maybe I'm the only one holding me back. Massage School starts in August, Praise God, and school is paid for freely (no loans), I get my certification in August of 2014, and I'm jet setting to another country. By then all of my messes will be cleaned up, and I can move forward. The people I'm surrounded by, they're all into doing shiesty shit to get what they want; they don't tell the truth at all. I lost a potential beautiful relationship because of my dishonest ways, I've learned how to play the game in a honest manner, and I know that the reward is much better than instant gratification. The only thing I truly need in this moment in time is a relationship with God/My Higher Self, and I have that. I know the rest will come once I have let go of all the old limitations I have put on myself. I am patient. I am gentle. I am loving. I am caring. I am kind. I am beautiful. I am needed in this world. When the time is right God will use me as his instrument to do the things that I want to do. Until then, I'll just sit here "restlessly" and wait patiently.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
The meditation and yoga first thing in the morning has been nice, and studying my intuition has been a great help to knowing where I need to go. I'm done though. I'm done dealing with my mother's immaturity.
You guys will laugh. I go to her house yesterday, just to- go see her. I had gotten some stuff done, and was walking around downtown (met some cool kids from Humboldt Co. and a 30 year old train hopper, she wasn't crusty either) when I decided to take the two mile walk to her house. I get there, and instantly when I walk in she says "Didn't Matt tell you NOT to come here, what the fuck is going on?" Having been yelled at most of my life I was used to her screaming tactics, and just said "Yeah, he didn't. I'm here now. Can you feed me, I'm hungry" Of course her seven sensitive dogs wouldn't stop jumping on me, I knocked them down with my hand... why was she so fucking angry all the time? I mean, I could tell you guys the root of the problem, AND she even knows the root of the problem, but refuses to fix it. She screamed "I'm fucking cooking right now, just get out of my space" I went out on the porch and sat. "Breathe" I said. I took a deep breath. My ultimate goal at all times is ALWAYS peace. She stomped outside, "here eat this bread, peanut butter and jelly" I knew that wasn't all she had, but she didn't want to share. The thing about my mom is that she never learned how to let go of all her past issues, and she has now created a prison within her mind full of sorrow, anger, irritation, and TONS of limitations... rarely does she allow something good to happen to her in her reality... it's sad for me to watch. It's even more sad for me to think that her family created a monster as such, and that I came from that monster's vagina.
I went inside the room and sat down "just stay in there and when I'm done you can come out" I shook my head while I made my sandwich. I had just walked six miles, I needed nourishment. I'm not in jail, she can't tell me where I'm "banished" to, I'll just fucking leave. I thought as I twisted the caps on the PB&J. I handed her her stuff, and filled up the water bottle partially. "OLIVIA WHERE ARE YOU GOING COME BACK I NEED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, HOLD ON, PLEASEEE" I kept walking, as I always do. You can't treat people like shit and expect them to stay around, (a lesson I learned the hard way, but am now very considerate of my friendships and lovers) I got to the gate and turned around. My anger took over me, I threw the water bottle at her "Let me know when my REAL mother comes back, I don't know who this crazy bitch is".
I walked two more miles to a friends house. I dodged the guilt trip I wanted to run on myself, I threw it out the window. It was no longer needed. My mother is her own person, (i forgot to mention that I took some of her leggings because I needed clothes to wear, and she attempted to run after me, tell me those were all the CLOTHES she had, and wrestle me for them) and the reality she creates for herself I am no longer a part of. She's gone completely bilistic, and as sad as it is for me to know that I'm going to have to do this, but this is my goodbye tour to my mother.
Apparently we're going on the Judge Mathis Show, she's suing me for the money she spent on a house she helped me rent in Atlanta, GA... after we get paid for this, I'm done. I'm done playing this reality with her. I feel like I have a debt of gratitude to pay to her, so I can move forward... maybe I'm the only one holding me back. Massage School starts in August, Praise God, and school is paid for freely (no loans), I get my certification in August of 2014, and I'm jet setting to another country. By then all of my messes will be cleaned up, and I can move forward. The people I'm surrounded by, they're all into doing shiesty shit to get what they want; they don't tell the truth at all. I lost a potential beautiful relationship because of my dishonest ways, I've learned how to play the game in a honest manner, and I know that the reward is much better than instant gratification. The only thing I truly need in this moment in time is a relationship with God/My Higher Self, and I have that. I know the rest will come once I have let go of all the old limitations I have put on myself. I am patient. I am gentle. I am loving. I am caring. I am kind. I am beautiful. I am needed in this world. When the time is right God will use me as his instrument to do the things that I want to do. Until then, I'll just sit here "restlessly" and wait patiently.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Monday, April 22, 2013
Luck
It's a real thing. And I would just like to say I am probably one of the luckiest people in the world. Only good things have come to me since I began my journey for Peace. Sure, there are few messes I have to clean up here and there, but what's the world with out a mess to clean up? It's all about how we look at things. Our perception is the judge of what our surroundings are doing, and based on many guidelines throughout history there are MANY ways to see the world. Our ego wants to re-create the perception of the past, while our higher self is DYING to finally come out and play again after being bogged down, and express it's true self. An ego is an ego healthy or unhealthy, it will always be there, and if we allow the One true being to express for us, then our life becomes full of luck.
Today is Mother Earth's birthday, and let me tell you Mother Earth is MY baby!!!! I have cried many tears exploring her beautiful body she allows us to inhabit, and to know that she is thriving on her special day makes me feel good to be alive. I have been practicing trusting my intuition; throughout the day I have slowed down, and taken my time, and stopped and smelled the flowers. I have listened with my heart, and I have taken care of my responsibilities in a timely manner. The power of being in the moment is like the ocean creating a wave, if you know how to ride the wave then you're going to experience a hell of a lot more fun rather than you being washed over it.
I got a facebook message from the ex-boyfriend today. I told him that he hurt me, he told me he wanted someone who would be honest with him. Proof. This back and forth is proof to me that I can let it all go, and just Be Here Now. Wherever your day takes you, whatever might happen to you in the midst of all the chaos, stop, look, and listen... because life ain't all that bad.
Sure we enjoy feeding eachother's drama of life, and listening to the "hardships" and struggles we make... and hell sometimes it feels really FUCKING hard, but someone already took care of the real hard part for us, and now we can sit back and relax and enjoy God creating our life; enjoy our higher self creating our life.
I had a great dream last night. I dreamt that I flew to Hawaii, but the whole time the airplane was flying underwater and I got to see all of the coral, and tropical underwater wild life. When we got out of the plane I was with my lover, and he held me close. He told me that he loved me, and that he was going to love me forever. It felt good. He told me that I was perfect, in fact amazing. That I was his soulmate. That he wanted to grow and change with me.
Your dreams are your reality, your reality is your dream...
until next time,
-Olivia
Today is Mother Earth's birthday, and let me tell you Mother Earth is MY baby!!!! I have cried many tears exploring her beautiful body she allows us to inhabit, and to know that she is thriving on her special day makes me feel good to be alive. I have been practicing trusting my intuition; throughout the day I have slowed down, and taken my time, and stopped and smelled the flowers. I have listened with my heart, and I have taken care of my responsibilities in a timely manner. The power of being in the moment is like the ocean creating a wave, if you know how to ride the wave then you're going to experience a hell of a lot more fun rather than you being washed over it.
I got a facebook message from the ex-boyfriend today. I told him that he hurt me, he told me he wanted someone who would be honest with him. Proof. This back and forth is proof to me that I can let it all go, and just Be Here Now. Wherever your day takes you, whatever might happen to you in the midst of all the chaos, stop, look, and listen... because life ain't all that bad.
Sure we enjoy feeding eachother's drama of life, and listening to the "hardships" and struggles we make... and hell sometimes it feels really FUCKING hard, but someone already took care of the real hard part for us, and now we can sit back and relax and enjoy God creating our life; enjoy our higher self creating our life.
I had a great dream last night. I dreamt that I flew to Hawaii, but the whole time the airplane was flying underwater and I got to see all of the coral, and tropical underwater wild life. When we got out of the plane I was with my lover, and he held me close. He told me that he loved me, and that he was going to love me forever. It felt good. He told me that I was perfect, in fact amazing. That I was his soulmate. That he wanted to grow and change with me.
Your dreams are your reality, your reality is your dream...
until next time,
-Olivia
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Creative Expressions
Everything that we are doing right now, everything that is being said, done, heard, thought, felt, etc. is a form of creative expression. There are many forms of creative expressions, and each expression results in a different effect for the person expressing, and the person watching. Cause and effect; with every action there is a reaction. At a very young age I learned the law of cause and effect, and without even acknowledging I learned to allow God to create through me. God is our higher self, God is our soul, God is our light, God is our true essence begging our ego to surrender. Our ego wants to take control, our ego THINKS it knows what it's doing, and what it wants, but what our ego does not realize is that God already created a life plan for us. Our higher self has lived so many lifetimes by now, and is still in heaven with God, and therefore because our higher self lives within us we are connected to God. We can thank Jesus Christ for restoring our connection with God/higher self, and we can now bring Heaven down to earth, through us. With patience, surrender, and faith our thoughts can now be controlled by the Divine One, therefore our world is now created through the One who created the heavens and the earth is now creating our life for us! A being that created All That Is, is now CREATING MY LITTLE OLD LIFE! All I have to do is sit back, relax, and watch what's happening. Of course you take action when the time has come for you to take action, and of course you express yourself fully, but the thing is our ego wants to get in the way of all of that. It's terrified that it won't get what it wants, or everything is going to go wrong, and more importantly (this one gets me) my ego is afraid that if it stops creating, NOTHING will be created at all! It's not our faults though, which is why we were forgiven for our sins. Allow your creative expression to be guided by the One, allow your unlimited potential to flow!
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Friday, April 19, 2013
The Sadness
Break ups.
It doesn't matter who you are, how many breaks up you've been through, I can say with confidence that break ups hurt. I've only been in one serious relationship in my life, and I've broken up with that person two times. The first time I was in San Rafeal, CA and he told me I needed to go home, and I didn't want to. I remember him running (litterally) away from me, and me just saying "fuck it". I walked to the greyhound bus station and got on the bus. For the first two hours I didn't think much about him, it wasn't until I got on the bus and I had my headphones in (playing Breathe Me by Sia) did the river of tears start flowing down my face. It had taken me that time to realize what I had had and what I had just lost because I was allowing my emotions to ruin my beautiful relationship with a beautiful man. The tears were from a deep place inside of me, a place I hadn't known existed. I wasn't crying because I had lost love, love is always in my heart, I was crying because I had just lost an amazing person to share my life with.
I was excited when we got back together, and the first day I was in Florida was great. We drank wine with a friend, and held each other in embrace. Our lips touched, and the passionate energy tickled me. It was love. It was pure love, it was pure unconditional love. He supported me in my efforts to surrender to the divine power, telling me "it's okay to jump in the lake, you're safe". I took off all of my clothes, and trusted Micheal wouldn't let anything bad happen. I dove in, instantly popped back up and swam back to shore. He was there, he was right there waiting for me.
We laughed. We laughed all of the time. "It helps my elbows" our inside joke would be said over and over throughout the day. He let me cry and yell and scream and let go of all of the bullshit emotions that I was fed; there's noone to blame. we are all just victims of victims. His frustration started overflowing when I realized that I needed to go home; I had a plan for him to come with me, but I created him not coming... some things must be done alone?
I didn't cry when we broke up this time, I didn't even try to run after him. I just walked on the highway like a solider, knowing that I just needed to get home. Last night my good friends gave me a valium so I could calm down; I slept on the way so I wouldn't think about what had just happened.
I cried today. I cried hard. When I realized that he wasn't here anymore. Sobbing, "I'm sorry I lied to you" as the hot tears ran down my face. Forgiving myself, surrendering to the pain in my heart.
Love never leaves you, but this is a once in a lifetime chance to get to experience life in this Time and Space, and if you're lucky you'll find someone on the same page as you to share it with. He wanted a life partner, and so did I. I cry because he's not here to watch me cry, I cry because the sun isn't shining as bright as I might like it to, I cry because I realize that the unconditional love I had with my amazing partner was a very special thing, and my bad habits got in the way. I miss the way he smells, I miss the way he holds his breath when he's cold, I miss the way he smiles at me, I miss the way he makes love to me. I miss him. How do you gain the trust back of someone you love? Let it go. That's what they all say, right? If you love it let it go. I love you Micheal, so I'm going to let you go.
Until next time,
-Olivia
It doesn't matter who you are, how many breaks up you've been through, I can say with confidence that break ups hurt. I've only been in one serious relationship in my life, and I've broken up with that person two times. The first time I was in San Rafeal, CA and he told me I needed to go home, and I didn't want to. I remember him running (litterally) away from me, and me just saying "fuck it". I walked to the greyhound bus station and got on the bus. For the first two hours I didn't think much about him, it wasn't until I got on the bus and I had my headphones in (playing Breathe Me by Sia) did the river of tears start flowing down my face. It had taken me that time to realize what I had had and what I had just lost because I was allowing my emotions to ruin my beautiful relationship with a beautiful man. The tears were from a deep place inside of me, a place I hadn't known existed. I wasn't crying because I had lost love, love is always in my heart, I was crying because I had just lost an amazing person to share my life with.
I was excited when we got back together, and the first day I was in Florida was great. We drank wine with a friend, and held each other in embrace. Our lips touched, and the passionate energy tickled me. It was love. It was pure love, it was pure unconditional love. He supported me in my efforts to surrender to the divine power, telling me "it's okay to jump in the lake, you're safe". I took off all of my clothes, and trusted Micheal wouldn't let anything bad happen. I dove in, instantly popped back up and swam back to shore. He was there, he was right there waiting for me.
We laughed. We laughed all of the time. "It helps my elbows" our inside joke would be said over and over throughout the day. He let me cry and yell and scream and let go of all of the bullshit emotions that I was fed; there's noone to blame. we are all just victims of victims. His frustration started overflowing when I realized that I needed to go home; I had a plan for him to come with me, but I created him not coming... some things must be done alone?
I didn't cry when we broke up this time, I didn't even try to run after him. I just walked on the highway like a solider, knowing that I just needed to get home. Last night my good friends gave me a valium so I could calm down; I slept on the way so I wouldn't think about what had just happened.
I cried today. I cried hard. When I realized that he wasn't here anymore. Sobbing, "I'm sorry I lied to you" as the hot tears ran down my face. Forgiving myself, surrendering to the pain in my heart.
Love never leaves you, but this is a once in a lifetime chance to get to experience life in this Time and Space, and if you're lucky you'll find someone on the same page as you to share it with. He wanted a life partner, and so did I. I cry because he's not here to watch me cry, I cry because the sun isn't shining as bright as I might like it to, I cry because I realize that the unconditional love I had with my amazing partner was a very special thing, and my bad habits got in the way. I miss the way he smells, I miss the way he holds his breath when he's cold, I miss the way he smiles at me, I miss the way he makes love to me. I miss him. How do you gain the trust back of someone you love? Let it go. That's what they all say, right? If you love it let it go. I love you Micheal, so I'm going to let you go.
Until next time,
-Olivia
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Break Ups and Make Up
Yesterday was an adventure alright. Have any of your ever been "in love" or at least felt the joy and excitement of the potential of a life partner standing right next to you? Well, I have. I have because I created it... but God works in mysterious ways and always has a trick up his sleeve, and my fairy tale story of the boy I met travelling turned into a Real World episode of the on again off again couple from hell.
At the beginning of the relationship I told some white lies, out of my insecurities of dating a beautiful man 15 years older than me who had much experience in love... and me be a scared 21 year old fresh out of the factory of a lifestyle full of lies and deceit. I was intimidated.
This energy from before had carried on to the now moment and everyday was a day of him saying "don't lie to me, be honest with yourself, stop lying to me..." and it wasn't any different yesterday morning when we woke up in the woods next to one another. The night before had been magical, I knew he and I had both felt the intimacy building between us... and when he handed me the daisy we shared a kiss, a kiss full of love and passion and pure bliss.
His face was stone cold, I knew that he had had a dream about something or other to make him wonder why the hell he was on this earth still. He rolled over... "this is just life, it's going to be okay, we've already created it" I nodded "yeah, it's just another human being's life" We looked deep into eachother's eyes, I knew he was blocking the connection. "Well, I won't be with you anymore today... let's get you home". We gathered our things, (his things, because all of my stuff got stolen off the side of the road after me naively leaving it there) and walked to the entrance of the highway. I began dancing and sticking my thumb out, and he sat down on his bag. Just to Gainsville, just to Gainsville, that's as far as we need to go and then we can split up. He came up to me "my name's Olivia and I'm a lying, manipulative, control freak" taunting me. I shook my head and raised my eye brows, I didn't want to react. Peace is always my ultimate goal. "When are you going to stop, we're not in a relationship anymore" I pushed him away. I wanted to hit him the face, he told me to, he grabbed his bags and started walking on the highway. I followed. "Get the fuck away from me, I don't want to be anywhere near you"
I let him walk aways ahead of me, until he hopped the bridge and headed into the woods. I leaned over the ledge once I had reached where he had been and said "Bye, thank you for everything".
I was determined to get to my destination, after two weeks of sadness and grief, good music and good food, the ocean, and a shit ton of healing, i was tired and ready to get the fuck home.
I began walking down the highway, singing the good songs from my heart, telling myself that I was protected and everything was going to be okay. Fuck that guy, I didn't need him to do it anyway. The hitch-hiking Gods worked quickly, and within minutes I was in the car with a nice older woman and her dog. We discussed what had just happened, she told me "there are plenty of other fish in the sea" but I wasn't too concerned about the fact that I had just been dumped on the side of a highway in South Florida, I was focused on getting home. I controlled my emotions as best I could, telling myself that it's all going to work out, believing that it's all going to work out.
My heart dropped when she told me I had to get out at the rest stop, but I didn't let it ruin my spirit. I sat down on a bench, and started taking action. I asked four people, and then a good ol' southern church-goin' blondie walked up and said "Get in, i'll take you where you need to go". Never in my life had I appreciated southern hospitality so much. Her name was Alicia, she was taking her 8 year old son to a doctor's appointment. "So Olivia, how old are you?" she asked swerving in and out of the fast lane. "I'm 22" my emotions were running wild, but I didn't want to play the sob story that was going on inside me outside of me so I acted normal. "Oh, 22. I remember those days. So I'm an independent sales consultant for Mary Kay and this year is our 50th anniversary, and we're looking for new sales associates". Was this really happening right now? I went with the flow, and just listened to her sales pitch. I painted a picture in my head of what it would look like if I became a Mary Kay sales woman... Walking down to Sorority Row in Chattanooga with my kit in hand, ready to paint faces for the young sorostitutes. Next reality please. She gave me two dollars and dropped me off close enough to the megabus for me to walk. I asked a couple people how to get there, and the directed me in the way. Stopping in a physics building on the campus of University of Florida to get some water, then finding a chalk board blank and ready for me to write "God is Love" on it. I thought it was funny to write about God in a physics building, granted all physicists may or may not have a concept of God and are more interested in the details of God rather than the love he is. By the time I got to the bus stop I had come up with a master plan to tell the bus driver that all of my things had been stolen, and I needed to get home, is there any way you could just let me on the bus. I ran it over with a couple of people, and they seemed to support my idea. Then an older couple sat down and their banter caught my attention. The man said "I'm sorry I'm not perfect" and of course me being open, loving, graceful Olivia I said "You're absolutely perfect the way you are" he smiled and laughed, and I told the woman she was perfect too. They asked me what I was doing and where I was going, and through the conversation the woman said she would buy me a bus ticket.
God works in mysterious ways, even though everything had fallen apart with me and my man friend I learned so much about myself and my gift.
God has given each of us a gift, and that gift is our true creative essence, and through that gift we perform God grants our every wish. My gift is love, my gift is healing love, and through this healing love I am going to create a product. The product is going to be Hula Hoops. Healing Hoops is now my main focus in life, despite the drama and bullshit of the relationship I just got out of, something great and amazing came from it all.
All people are good, everyone needs love, and when you are patient, hopeful, and believe that everything is going to work out it always will.
Until next time,
-Olivia
At the beginning of the relationship I told some white lies, out of my insecurities of dating a beautiful man 15 years older than me who had much experience in love... and me be a scared 21 year old fresh out of the factory of a lifestyle full of lies and deceit. I was intimidated.
This energy from before had carried on to the now moment and everyday was a day of him saying "don't lie to me, be honest with yourself, stop lying to me..." and it wasn't any different yesterday morning when we woke up in the woods next to one another. The night before had been magical, I knew he and I had both felt the intimacy building between us... and when he handed me the daisy we shared a kiss, a kiss full of love and passion and pure bliss.
His face was stone cold, I knew that he had had a dream about something or other to make him wonder why the hell he was on this earth still. He rolled over... "this is just life, it's going to be okay, we've already created it" I nodded "yeah, it's just another human being's life" We looked deep into eachother's eyes, I knew he was blocking the connection. "Well, I won't be with you anymore today... let's get you home". We gathered our things, (his things, because all of my stuff got stolen off the side of the road after me naively leaving it there) and walked to the entrance of the highway. I began dancing and sticking my thumb out, and he sat down on his bag. Just to Gainsville, just to Gainsville, that's as far as we need to go and then we can split up. He came up to me "my name's Olivia and I'm a lying, manipulative, control freak" taunting me. I shook my head and raised my eye brows, I didn't want to react. Peace is always my ultimate goal. "When are you going to stop, we're not in a relationship anymore" I pushed him away. I wanted to hit him the face, he told me to, he grabbed his bags and started walking on the highway. I followed. "Get the fuck away from me, I don't want to be anywhere near you"
I let him walk aways ahead of me, until he hopped the bridge and headed into the woods. I leaned over the ledge once I had reached where he had been and said "Bye, thank you for everything".
I was determined to get to my destination, after two weeks of sadness and grief, good music and good food, the ocean, and a shit ton of healing, i was tired and ready to get the fuck home.
I began walking down the highway, singing the good songs from my heart, telling myself that I was protected and everything was going to be okay. Fuck that guy, I didn't need him to do it anyway. The hitch-hiking Gods worked quickly, and within minutes I was in the car with a nice older woman and her dog. We discussed what had just happened, she told me "there are plenty of other fish in the sea" but I wasn't too concerned about the fact that I had just been dumped on the side of a highway in South Florida, I was focused on getting home. I controlled my emotions as best I could, telling myself that it's all going to work out, believing that it's all going to work out.
My heart dropped when she told me I had to get out at the rest stop, but I didn't let it ruin my spirit. I sat down on a bench, and started taking action. I asked four people, and then a good ol' southern church-goin' blondie walked up and said "Get in, i'll take you where you need to go". Never in my life had I appreciated southern hospitality so much. Her name was Alicia, she was taking her 8 year old son to a doctor's appointment. "So Olivia, how old are you?" she asked swerving in and out of the fast lane. "I'm 22" my emotions were running wild, but I didn't want to play the sob story that was going on inside me outside of me so I acted normal. "Oh, 22. I remember those days. So I'm an independent sales consultant for Mary Kay and this year is our 50th anniversary, and we're looking for new sales associates". Was this really happening right now? I went with the flow, and just listened to her sales pitch. I painted a picture in my head of what it would look like if I became a Mary Kay sales woman... Walking down to Sorority Row in Chattanooga with my kit in hand, ready to paint faces for the young sorostitutes. Next reality please. She gave me two dollars and dropped me off close enough to the megabus for me to walk. I asked a couple people how to get there, and the directed me in the way. Stopping in a physics building on the campus of University of Florida to get some water, then finding a chalk board blank and ready for me to write "God is Love" on it. I thought it was funny to write about God in a physics building, granted all physicists may or may not have a concept of God and are more interested in the details of God rather than the love he is. By the time I got to the bus stop I had come up with a master plan to tell the bus driver that all of my things had been stolen, and I needed to get home, is there any way you could just let me on the bus. I ran it over with a couple of people, and they seemed to support my idea. Then an older couple sat down and their banter caught my attention. The man said "I'm sorry I'm not perfect" and of course me being open, loving, graceful Olivia I said "You're absolutely perfect the way you are" he smiled and laughed, and I told the woman she was perfect too. They asked me what I was doing and where I was going, and through the conversation the woman said she would buy me a bus ticket.
God works in mysterious ways, even though everything had fallen apart with me and my man friend I learned so much about myself and my gift.
God has given each of us a gift, and that gift is our true creative essence, and through that gift we perform God grants our every wish. My gift is love, my gift is healing love, and through this healing love I am going to create a product. The product is going to be Hula Hoops. Healing Hoops is now my main focus in life, despite the drama and bullshit of the relationship I just got out of, something great and amazing came from it all.
All people are good, everyone needs love, and when you are patient, hopeful, and believe that everything is going to work out it always will.
Until next time,
-Olivia
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Back in the game
Sometimes you open a door for yourself, and you walk in... you like what you see at first, but as you go deeper into the room you had created in a far and long ago dream, you realize you are no longer the person who created the room, and you don't need to be there.
That's what has happened with me and my excursion to Florida. I met a man, well a fake man at that. His age said he was a man (37 to be exact) but his lack of responsibility clearly threw him in the boy category. I didn't care at the time, because I too was in fact running from my responsibilities... I thought maybe we could turn this irresponsibile gravy train around together, and head back up to the place I call home. His inability to relate to my dream world got in the way, and I'm now sitting at a hotel using their nice flat screen Dell computuer, all alone.
I begged him to come with me "please, will you just get me home, so I don't have to hitchhike alone" I whined as I fought off the bugs that had been biting me since we had been camping out. "You'll be fine alone, just go" and that's what I did. Sure, I took all of the blankets, because who knows where I'm going to sleep tonight.... and what kind of "man" leaves a 22 year old girl on the road to hitchhike alone? It's the principle of the situation really. I know that I'm safe, and I'll be arriving back in Chattanooga scott free to head to my court date for an incident that happened a year ago...
Now I'm left wondering why in the world did I create this whole situation? Was there a need for me to recreate my parents relationship so I could know what not to create? Was there something else happening that I needed to miss so I could just come back in to Chattanooga and begin creating the life that I REALLY want?
Once you realize that you are the soul creator of your world, and what's around you the pressure of life seems to increase... I headed down to my roots to see what my family had created for themselves, and as I soon realized that it was a garden full of sorrow and anger did I pull up the roots to create a healing situation for myself. For the past nine months I have been on a journey to discovering my true essence, because the real Olivia was buried with emotional and physical baggage that she could have continued to carry, but has learned to let go. The thing is this, I'm done with the anger and sorrow of my drama of life, and I'm now going to create a pure healing life for myself.
It's a beautiful, wonderful, exciting way to live... as much as I love drugs, sex, and rock and roll I'm over the whole Chattanooga Party Scene. Expect to see me at the Yoga Landing and working at Whole Foods. See you cats later.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
That's what has happened with me and my excursion to Florida. I met a man, well a fake man at that. His age said he was a man (37 to be exact) but his lack of responsibility clearly threw him in the boy category. I didn't care at the time, because I too was in fact running from my responsibilities... I thought maybe we could turn this irresponsibile gravy train around together, and head back up to the place I call home. His inability to relate to my dream world got in the way, and I'm now sitting at a hotel using their nice flat screen Dell computuer, all alone.
I begged him to come with me "please, will you just get me home, so I don't have to hitchhike alone" I whined as I fought off the bugs that had been biting me since we had been camping out. "You'll be fine alone, just go" and that's what I did. Sure, I took all of the blankets, because who knows where I'm going to sleep tonight.... and what kind of "man" leaves a 22 year old girl on the road to hitchhike alone? It's the principle of the situation really. I know that I'm safe, and I'll be arriving back in Chattanooga scott free to head to my court date for an incident that happened a year ago...
Now I'm left wondering why in the world did I create this whole situation? Was there a need for me to recreate my parents relationship so I could know what not to create? Was there something else happening that I needed to miss so I could just come back in to Chattanooga and begin creating the life that I REALLY want?
Once you realize that you are the soul creator of your world, and what's around you the pressure of life seems to increase... I headed down to my roots to see what my family had created for themselves, and as I soon realized that it was a garden full of sorrow and anger did I pull up the roots to create a healing situation for myself. For the past nine months I have been on a journey to discovering my true essence, because the real Olivia was buried with emotional and physical baggage that she could have continued to carry, but has learned to let go. The thing is this, I'm done with the anger and sorrow of my drama of life, and I'm now going to create a pure healing life for myself.
It's a beautiful, wonderful, exciting way to live... as much as I love drugs, sex, and rock and roll I'm over the whole Chattanooga Party Scene. Expect to see me at the Yoga Landing and working at Whole Foods. See you cats later.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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