Sunday, March 16, 2014

New Vision

I've been doing life for 23 years now, and with all of it's ups and downs I have really learned a few things. Probably the most important that I have learned, and am continuing to practice is compassion. Without it, when you are in the down swing you will stay down... thus missing the point of life. I never knew how compassionate I was until I had Iris. She has forced me to learn how to have compassion for myself, so I can in return have compassion for others. It is such a sacred path that I am walking, and I have understood the spiritual aspect of my life since I was born. My intuition was built for me to never forget who I was.... I didn't want to forget. I think that writing down all of what I feel is important, and although most of my blog for the past year and a half have been documents of me doing work with my shadow, I feel like I am now transitioning out of shadow work and am now experiencing the beginning lessons of becoming a teacher. A mom, a spiritual teacher, a community teacher, a leader. This is something that I have always wanted to be, because I know I was made to be this person. My ego was the one in the way. With that being said I am going to start changing what I write about, and am now going to begin documenting the lessons on being a teacher.

Only being 3 months into this lesson, it's mostly been me letting go of the old baggage so I can break free and continue anew. I have moved in with Micheal, Satori, and Avian. We have a vision for the 3500 sq ft house we live in, and with that vision requires us to fully emerge ourselves into practicing what has been taught to us through Buddhism. If you do not know anything about the teachings of Buddhism, I first highly suggest you read a book about it (there are plenty out there) or if you want to know more about the Buddhism that I have practiced you can PM me on facebook. :) The term Boddhitsatva is definied as a soul that comes down to earth lifetime after lifetime to help the human race understand Love more. Boddhitsatva is also something that can be achieved by one who has just started the path, it is not limited to a certain group. To be a boddhitsatva one acts with compassion instead of anger no matter the situation or condition one is dealing with  I began doing this a long time ago, and left it behind for a walk on the wild side, after I came back I realized that walking the sacred path was really all that there was, and other stuff was an illusion; unproductive, and destructive. Back to my point- compassion. It's not a new concept, and in fact if you think about it, when you were a little kid didn't the grown ups around you SOMEWHERE want to teach you about compassion, or tell you to act with kindness? I know I was told at least a million times to treat others how I want to be treated, or to act with kindness.... too bad, I rarely ever saw it happen. There was always some reason for someone to be mad about something. It was weird because I was surrounded by people praciticng Buddhism, but I didn't really understand the sacred way until two years ago. It's been a process, a hard process at that, of consciously awakening to my bad behavior, and I say bad for lack of better term, and pushing myself to respond rather than react. If I am able to respond with compassion rather than react with anger the situation usually turns out much better. There is a difference between giving your power away (for instance, listening to someone tell you all what you did wrong, even though you know you didn't actually do any of those things, and feeling bad) and actually showing compassion for someone. When you give your power away you partake in the other person's suffering. When you have compassion for someone, you understand that their feelings are normal human suffering feelings, and you give them love and hope they find a way out of it. There is no need for you to suffer with them, by suffering you're not changing anything.

Now that I am driven with compassion, I have a new vision for my life... it's the same direction, just more love involved. We are wanting to help the community grow closer to the Divine. We are opening our home up as a sacred place for healing, rejuvanting, and all else that one's spirit is called to do. The new vision for our lives is not just for Iris and I, it is for the community. If you are in the chattanooga area and are interested in what we are doing here at 709 Parsons Lane, contact me.




I haven't fully expressed this, but it has come up twice this week so I am thinking that the time is now to let it go. I cried tears of anger and sadness because I have this beautiful child and no partner to share her with. And it's not even that I am mad at Michael not being here, I am mad that it's not going to work out between us and I am mad that I have to feel this pain. I am not suffering through it though, I am taking it for how it is because I know how not to suffer. I didn't think my plan through when I went to Florida last year, and as much as I hoped and wished and prayed that Michael would be able to get his shit together some part of me knew that it wasn't going to happen. I feel embarrassed and sad when I think about the choice that I made- this is me caring about others opinions. I feel sad that I have nobody to share these moments with me, I feel sad that Michael is missing out on iris life. I seriously do not want this to be an issue for the rest of my life so whatever it is that's holding me back from moving on from this I gotta get through it. I keep asking myself why, and I am not meant to know why.... I keeping asking myself when I will find that partner and I don't know when.... I keep thinking that it will be never... I am angry because there are no answers to these questions.... I am just not meant to know. I keep comparing my journey to others STILL. Why am I still this little girl? This teenage mind of mine has got to go... I am just going to have to accept the circumstances for what they are and do my best. I can't know it all right now, and that's the truth of it all. I just have to keep hopeful and stay moving forward. Having a child with someone and then not being able to experience raising the child with that person is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but with time it will get easier. With time I will feel better. With time I will know more. With time I will grow. 

Until next time,


Friday, March 7, 2014

Expressions of dark and light

Conflict arises and here is my point.

 I gave away my power again. I am not too upset with myself though, because my true intention was to let her feel what she was feeling, and let her say what she was saying. She thought we were friends, and I mean we were in the facebook friend type of way. You see, there is a very particular way that I am attempting to live my life, and if you want to "make memories" with me you're going to have to be on my level, and let me tell you honey, I virbrate pretty high. I come off as arrogant because of it but I have every right to feel this way. These are my feeling and I am entitled to them. I let you say what you needed to say and I showed you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fucking compassion. Fuck, I understood where you were coming from, I listened to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallll of those things you said I did wrong. The truth is, honey... I did all of those things, and you declined. I showed you the kindness, I showed you the love, I taught you the chants, but you didn't listen. You didn't see it. I was showing you the light, I kept it shining bright, but you just didn't see it at all. It's cool because I've had this happen to me before, and now that it's happening again it makes complete sense to me. People are jealous of me because I am SOOOO there. I'm about as there as a 23 year old can get, and you want to be there to. It's rough when you see people in front of you succeeding, and it's suffering when you think you can't do it because I'm doing it. No, you can do it. I want you to do it. I want you to live up here on this vibration with me. It's not an exclusive club, but you do have to work to get to this point, just like everything else. It's very specific, methodic, and you have to be decicated, committed, and completely honest with yourself. It's a spiritual healing, physical healing, emotional healing. You can't blame other pepole for your problems, and you can't put someone at fault for your feelings. If you want to be where I am you have to realize that you're giving your power away to me, and I don't want your power. Your powerful on your own. You possess the same wisdom as I do, but it's a journey in honing that power. It's a journey in becoming your true authentic self. Those masks that you wear, the ones that fill you with hate, anger, fear, and nasty words that's not who you really are. It's not. You may FEEL that way, but that's not really who you are. That's not how you're supposed to act. And here comes my point. We are ALL one, regardless of whether you think so or not, and because we are all one, we all feel the same struggles, the same emotions, the same energy, and it can effect us in different ways. Regardless of how it may effect us, we can still show compassion for other people's struggle... and I showed compassion for your struggle, and if you can't see that, that's when I no longer reflect back to you your energy, that's when I take my power back and I give you back yours, and that's when I let it go. There are other people who can and will and want to struggle with you, but I'm not one of those people. The struggle is real, but you know what else is real? The ending of the struggle. What goes up must come down. I'm on the other side of the tunnel, the light is pulling me closer to it, and your energy is trying to drag me down, but the great part about it is that I am a strong one, I'm really fucking strong, and you can tug and tug and tug but I am gonna keep tugging back because the light is calling my name. Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Kali, Ganesha, Mother Mary, and all of my spirit guides are rooting for me. "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you ain't never gonna bring me down". Just keeping on swimming, just pulling myself up, I can do this, I can get thorugh the whole to experience Divine Healing Light, to be embraced by the extrodanary presence of All That Is. Humans are suffering. I am here to end that suffering. Me and a lot of other boddhitsatvas are here. We know where we come from, and we know what needs to happen. Community, love, laughter, light, HEALING. This is it, either our energies are going to create a New Earth on this planet, or our energy is going to come together and a new planet will evolve in our solar system for us peace keepers to move forward to. Either way, I'm not staying at the level you want me to be on. I send you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much love my dear. <3 <3 <3 <3 Because regardless of what you may feel, it's all love and the other stuff is just an illusion from the past.

Until Next Time,


Tuesday, March 4, 2014

old masks must go


It's the first thing that we learn to do here on this planet. We learn to trust the people who are taking care of our bodies, nourishing us, and loving us. The first five years is all about building trust. Our root chakra soaks in all that is surrounding our little selves during that time, which is why it matters what happened in our childhoods.

My parents hated each other. From what I have been told, and from recently dwelving (just for you Satori) deep into my root, feeling the emotions and such, I have found all the wounds my inner child received during that time. Ever since I started massage therapy school (and even before then) when anybody would touch my thighs I would want to fight back because of the tickles I was feeling. Tickling sensation represents pain, whether it be physical or emotional. I worked on it a lot last semester and it's gotten better since then, but today when I was receiving a hot stone treatment I found myself wanting to fight back again. I couldn't help but clinch up and tense myself when he touched me, and that's when it hit me.

I lack trust in my root chakra because of the fighting, the yelling, the unstableness of my family life when I was younger. I lack trust because my dad left when I was seven years old and it pained me to see him go. I lack trust because any time my dad said he would do something, it wouldn't be done, and there would be no explanation as to why it wouldn't be done. I lack trust because my mom stopped coming to my band recitals when she got sick and could no longer properly take care of me. I lack trust because of all the sadness I saw my mom go through after the divorce; her pain became my pain. I lack trust because I was made fun of in 4th grade for my hair not being "crazy enough" on crazy hair day. I lack trust because despite my efforts to show unconditional love to all who cross my path, the favor is rarely returned and I am left with the short end of the stick. I lack trust because the father of my child said he was going to do this and this and this and he never, nor will ever do any of that. I lack trust because when I opened up my inside world to a man i thought I could have a relationship with, he shut me down and rejected me after the fact.

With all this lack of trust, and knowing the root of this issue, I can now heal, and I can now rebuild. I am surrounded by trust worthy people, I am loved and noticed and appreciated for who I am. I can let the pain of my childhood go once and for all because, well frankly I am done attracting untrustworthy partners to me. I am done attracting incompatible partners, and I am done carrying this needless weight around with me. I am protected, I can open up to receive the love that I need. I can trust the people around me. These old masks that I am carrying can be left behind because they are no longer needed. I honor them, as they protected me when I needed that protection, but now I am safe, and it is all well in my world. This is me asking mother earth to open up and take back what she gave me to protect myself, and transform it into something else. I ask that all my old wounds be healed and filled up with love and light.

Until Next Time,


Monday, March 3, 2014

Midnight ramblings of love

There are things I learned as a child that I still incorporate in my behaviors today.  Chaos. A constant on going source of rage. Anger. Fear. Tons of it. Impatience, sooooo much of it. Crisis. However because I am an optimist I was able to see the true path that I am on. My sacred path. 

Have you ever felt that feeling of oneness? When your spirit and ego align,  and spirit tells ego something it never knew before. Epiphanies. Oh the epiphanies. Emotions. Joy. Stemming from a sense of fear. Wanting to hold my personal power back because it may just be too potent.... Untrue. A learned behavior that I saw. Rearranging of the molecular stucture of my mind, my body, my spirit. Spiraling upward. Who would want to miss the ascension??? The time when we are all looking up and down at the same time, realizing ourselves within our selves. Communicating our truths, with no judgements passing us by. Flowing. Fighting sleep like the little infant does at least once a day, like my little infant in me. Infinity, divinity. 

And now I sleep

Until next time,