I've come to the realization that it's not even the fact that my mother wasn't there for me when I was a child, it was that she didn't take care of herself well enough to provide for my emotional needs for me when I was a teenager causing havoc and chaos in the home up until I left for college. I have a huge scar on my heart from the amount of times I was called a bitch, whore, cunt, motherfucker. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of calling her all those names too, and she probably hurts to know that her daughter has so much beef with her, but this stops now.
I forgive my mother for being insufficient to my needs later in life. I know that she was not taught the best way to deal with her emotions either; if she was even taught at all. This is not just a problem in my family, it is a problem in the world. I know that there are many parents out there that were not taught how to take care of themselves, and went on to raise children, and did the best that they could to take care of another life. I realized how important it is for me to be fully committed to my total health not only for my well being but also for the life that I am bringing into the world. It is my duty as a mother to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. That means meditating, doing yoga, writing about my feelings, being honest with myself, and just fully overcoming the anxiety and worry that I allow to manifest in my life. If I can help it Iris will be armed with the BEST tools to deal with her life, and hopefully one day she will say that I was a great example of how to live and base her model on me. I saw that my mom's life was NOT the best way to do it, and I had to go out and find my own way. I don't hold a grudge for that, but I know that I can do a much better job with my daughter. I know that I can truly give her what she needs as long as I truly give myself what I need.
I want to find out my true dietary needs, I want to discover what it takes to truly heal my emotions, I want to live in a miraculous world where even in times of chaos I am able to stand tall as the wall of water washes over me and know that everything is going to be okay. I want to get over the emotional issues I have with my mother, with women. I want to get over the emotional issues I have my father, with men. It's NOT worth it to me to carry on the pain of what they may or may not have taught me. It's not worth it to me to carry on the guilt I feel for being a bratty teenager. It's just not worth it anymore. I want to feel abundant, and use the abundance of knowledge that I have to make my life, to make my daughter's life, better.
If there is anything I can do for Iris I know it's that I can be totally and completely honest with her about things that have happened in my life, in her father's life (from what I know), and our relationship that we had. She will know that she was loved by both of us, and she will know that it was never her fault. I will be more sensitive to her needs, because I am more sensitive to my needs. This is my promise to myself. This is my promise to my daughter. This is my promise to life. I chose to learn this way this lifetime, and I am so thankful for the gift that I have. Whatever it takes for me to feel on top of my game at all times I will do. Society asks us to bring out the best in ourselves for the sake of us and others. I am probably going to be tired at school, but I know that I'm going to make it through. I would have rather woken up and gotten this out than laid in bed tossing and turning, antagonizing myself over how I need to feel guilty for not inviting my mom to a party, for "dropping the ball" with Micheal... because that's nothing to feel guilty over. I'm still learning, and the great part is I'm wise enough to actually learn from my mistakes and apply spirituality to the emotions so I can heal this shit. It's not worth it to carry around the restraints of guilt, and I know that nobody wants me to feel bad about myself. Learning how to communicate my feelings properly and effectively to my mother, to women, to others will be a lesson learned. I understand the seriousness of life, and the power of choice and what we can do with it. I understand how important it is to portray my true authentic self to the world, otherwise I will be criticized for my actions. I appreciate my ability to learn this at a young age of 22 so I set in the habits now.
I am aware of what I need to do in order to live up to the high expectations society and others hold to me, the high expectations I have for myself. I can do this. I can be my best self. I am my best self. I can manifest my best self.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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