Coming into my last trimester of this long transformational journey of being pregnant, I am starting to realize the amount of things that I am going to have to change about my lifestyle in order to provide the best possible life for my little girl...
and i am scared as fuck.
Did I really sign up for this? Am I really even ready for this? I mean, okay so I know I can do it, and I know it has been done by girls who are younger than me, and 22 is a pretty normal age to start popping out babies... but when I think about the way I live, and I think about the things I've done, I realize HOW MUCH THIS IS ABOUT TO CHANGE ME. And change is not a bad thing, it's not a bad thing at all. I am ready for the crying, and the changing of diapers, and the watching her sleep, and the making sure she has a person that I trust watch her while I finish massage school... but I don't know if my brain is ready to start thinking about this little human 24/7, at all times.
but i am really excited.
When I think about her actually being here, and me holding her, and telling her that she is safe and loved, and watching her grow, and putting clothes on her, and doing her hair, and cooking dinner for her, and making sure she drinks enough water, and breast feeding... all those things that come with being a mother really excite me. I think about when she is 2 or 3 or 4 and how she is going to start talking like me.... ahpwearuiawieourpewoiruawpeoriuewpoqiru.dvjkhadklpg!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY REALITY RIGHT NOW! I, Olivia Claire Madlock, former party diva, homeless living, acid tripping, bonnaroo going crazy hippie chick, am going to be a mom!! A MOTHER. what.the.fuck. She is going to be here in three months. I'm going to push a baby out of my vagina?!?!??!?!?! I'm going to raise my baby alone, without her father around?!?!??!?! I have no idea, absolutely no fucking idea, what to except. I am litterally just hoping and praying that I am going to have all the help I need, I'm going to take care of myself in the way that I need to be taken care of, and I'm going to take care of her in the way that she needs to be taken care of.
Its really not a matter of "am I going to do this" anymore, the decision has been made for me, and was made far and long ago... this is the path my soul chose. My daughter and I are going to share a crazy cool bond, and I know when she rebels as a teenager, just as I did, I will do the best I can to just make sure she is safe. I don't want to spank her, I don't want to yell at her, I really just want to love her, and give her disicpline in loving ways. This is my journey. This is my journey as a parent. It doesn't matter if anybody else thinks I'll be good at it or not, and my intentions are nothing but pure. I vow to always provide a peaceful, loving enviornment for Iris, I vow to always provide stability, I vow to always provide her basic needs, and I am going to do the best I can do to teach her the things that she needs to know about herself, and about the world so she can go out there and be amazing. I vow to let her know that it is okay to express emotions, and it is okay to cry, and when you cry that means it's gone forever, and God's light will fill you back up with unconditional love. I will let her know the truth about me, I will share the truths I know about the universe, I will allow her to be her true authentic self, never trying to change her, giving her freedom to create. I will teach her the boundaries (even though she will know from the beginning that she is a limitless being) of the Earth plane, and she will know to respect them. I will teach her to challenge her peers in a healthy way, and I will teach her how to stand up for what she believes in because the time is always now to spread the light... THE TIME IS ALWAYS NOW TO SPREAD THE LIGHT.
Iris Athena Madlock come Decemeber (insert date here) 2013, you will come into this world, and I will laugh, cry, and feel the ultimate rush of hormones release from my body when you are born. You will know your grandma and you will even know your grandpa, you will know your dad and his side of the family too. So many people love you, and even though you already know me as your mom, I promise you Iris, I will be more than a mom, I will be a friend too.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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