Due to the fact that I know myself well enough to know that I am incapable of dealing with loss in an emotionally balanced way I have decided to keep my daughter. I didn't realize that the loss and pain that I was going to put myself through would be so intense. I had a glimpse of this pain on Monday night after my first (awesome) day of massage school. I went home and imagined not being pregnant anymore, and missing my daughter so much for just not being in my belly... that brought on the tears. Then when I realized that the decision I was making, to give my baby away to people that I didn't have any idea about except a book, was going to effect me more negatively, cause me so much more pain, than it would help me. I realized that it would be MUCH easier for me to change the few things about my already "broken" self and make them better because I would have a reason to make them better, than it would for me to deal with the mass emotional pain adoption causes.
Her name is going to be Iris Athena. Iris is the Greek Goddess that brings heaven and earth closer together. She travels between the underworld, earth, and heaven by rainbow. Athena is the Greek Goddess of wisdom. The initials of her name are going to be IAM, representing the I AM presence of God. <3 <3 <3
Massage therapy school has started and I know that I am totally on the right path; I already love the profession I am going into. It has allowed me to truly focus on the light within me, which feels great. I feel the balance kicking in, and although I can no longer enjoy the refer (R.I.P. Mary Jane) I am still willing to explore the darkness.... I think it's kind of a good thing though, that I can't smoke weed. I tend to get lost in the darkness, and when I get lost I want to get as far away from this world as possible. I have to stay the true course that my soul came down here to work.
In school, we keep referring to Jesus; our teacher says that we're not healers, we're not Jesus. My instant reaction is "we're not Jesus... yet". There is an opportunity for all of us to become as powerful a healer as Jesus, and of course you have to be chosen to do that, but in the bible it did say something or other about how "I and my Father are One", which to me represents that God exists within me and I have the chance to become Him fully manifested. More and more keeps making sense to me, but it is not fully ready to be shared... and I know how important it is not to push the creative process within. Massage is definitely going to help me release a lot of emotional pain that I carry around... being touched every day is really nice. It's like I'm going to be training my hands to find the pain, and pull it out to the best of my ability. It truly is a spiritual thing, massage. Almost everyone in my class has some sort of understanding of God.... and the great part is they are all open to learning more. I've just begun walking down a great path, and I can't wait to see where it takes me.
Until Next Time,