I did it again, but this time it didn't hurt so much.
I opened my heart to another one of those amazing men, and of course it got shut down pretty quickly. Do I do this to myself? Is this my karma? Maybe a man isn't what I need? I feel like the universe is fucking with me.... but then again I am the creator of my world My heart doesn't hurt, but I am realizing that my root chakra needs some serious healing love and light... and that I have been doing. Loving myself. Loving the fucking shit out of myself. Every step of the way.... love love love love love.
My mind is the selfish one. I think about what I want out of this life the majority of the time, and my desires just overwhelm my thought consumption. My mind has a fucking mind of it's own.... it's so weird. I am constantly fantasizing and dreaming about the day I meet my future husband, that when I meet any guy I instantly want to make him that person.
God how I wish I could go home and just lay down and go to sleep, but there is so much to do... all the time. Adjusting to mom life, work life, my new life. It's all an adjustment... which is why I am taking psychology of adjustment next semester... learn a thing or two.
So here's the new deal I am making with myself. From now on I am going to be selfless when I am doing my work as a therapist, when I am with my daughter.... and then when I am by myself I am going to nourish myself with thoughts that make me feel yummy and orgasmic. I want that more than anything. I want to love and be loved. So I'll do both for myself right now. My life is so amazing, and I am so happy with the financial success I will be achieving within a few months, which is definitely going to make my life a lot easier... I'm not one to leave a trace, ya know? That guy will come. I know he will. I just have to stop wanting it so badly that I don't let myself have it.
I'm still a human. I am a spiritual being having a human experience, and I am still a human.
<3 <3 <3
this too shall pass; one day when I'm with my husband I'll look back and laugh at myself so hard for wanting to be with him so bad when the time just wasn't right.
Until Next Time,