attachments to external objects, becoming internal subjects

I bet you all have been wondering where the in the hell I am, right? I know I have. Sometimes in life you're going about your day, thinking you're going one way, then all of the sudden the wind blows... and when the when blows the direction of the sailboat turns. Well, at least that's what's been happening to me. You see, I was blogging, and I was at my grandmother's hosue, and I call my ex-boyfriend. Calling him would probably be considered a mistake by most, but by me, it was an important learning process. I end up getting persuaded to go back up to Arcata, CA (where I had already been living in the redwoods for 3 months prior my excusion down south to hash it out with the family) and get back together with the young lad I had called my boyfriend. Grandmother bought me a bus ticket, and of course the goodbye was utterly dramatic to say the least; "you're calling him birthday boy? He's using you olivia"! I could see the digust on her face, and it only turned my heart into pure sadness knowing she was living in the fear of it all. I waved goodbye and proceeded to give love and let go, that's the only thing i knew how to do. 2 months later, after 60 whole days of travelling with the boyfriend, we ended up breaking up in Santa Rosa, CA; this time my mother came to the rescue. SHe bought me a bus ticket down here to San Diego, where I am stationed now for the time being. I had never felt emotional pain in the way I felt when the man I loved unconditionally was telling me it was over, always and forever. We had made so many plans for our future, and had gone through such a deep transformation together, my mind could not wrap my head around the idea that we weren't getting married and having kids. I knew something had to be done, I wasn't going to allow this breakup to break me, myself, and I up. I went straight to the body, I turned my mind off, and I felt where the pain was; I felt where the tears were coming from, and the right side of my heart breaking. I cried until I couldn't cry any longer, and it was done. If there was anything I learned from the situation that led me to where I am right now, it was how to let go in a healthy manner; and the funny thing is I am still learning. Emotional attachements are the basis of my problems in my life; whenever it comes to anything that I "feel" upset about its because of the emotional attachment I have to the object or subject at hand. For instance, as I am wiritng this blog right now I clicked a wrong button and it looked as though all of what I had just written ahd gone away. My first HUMAN reaction was to be upset, and second, was to try to figure out how I had did that. Forturnately, because of my training my whole life as to losing things, I was able to let it go, and I clicked the button I thought I had clicked, trusting it would come back to me; and it did. Emotional attachments to creative work is not so much of a problem for me; my creativity flows at all times. Now, now. Don't go about thinking that I am perfect, or that I am trying to present my perfection to you. There is definitely a huge emotional attachment I have and this will be the hardest to let go. My attachments to people. When I say people I don't want to nessecarly use that word loosely, therefore let me define what I mean. I have emotional attachments to my family (my brother and mother), to people that have watched me grow in my learning process (friends, best friends, extended family) and finally I have an attachement to people who I have made love with. What it really all comes down to is the feeling that I have allowed myself to feel throughout my 21 years of life when all these experiences with all these people happened, and it was BECAUSE of that emotional attachment to the people, which created the emotional attachment to the past experiences, that make our PAST real. IT IS THE EMOTIONS WHICH MAKE LIFE REAL. Without those attachments to our feelings how would we remember? Is the memory important? If it is importnant what is it important for? These are the questions I am asking myself, and until I find out the answer I will not be able to see why in the world being attached to your emotions is such a bad thing. I am discovering more and more about myself every single day, and the quest to infinite intelligence is soon to become my reality. There is no reason for the world to fear "The Self" anymore. God is real in ALL aspects of life, and he lies within our conciousness. For anybody reading this; if you are having a hard time in your life, STOP searching outside of yourself and go within; float into the place where space and time no longer exist, and all your answers will be clear. I am talking to myself as well, because we are all students of the one great Master. Until Next Time, -Olivia