stop, look, and listen

I have found myself in many of the same situations time and time again. The surroundings were the same, and even though I was three thousand miles away from the friends I had left behind in Tennessee, the people who I had met were exactly the same. I couldn't quite wrap my head around why in the world I was changing and progressing so much, but my surroundings were not. I would go from town to town and continue to manifest the same "cool shit hippies" I had met before. I must say though, it didn't bother me too much this last time, because I had come to learn to accept this as a part of me. I love hippies, I love acid, I love weed, I love having a good time and talking about world peace and how the government needs to die. Ocean Beach, CA was the last place I thought I would end up on this journey, but I'm sure as hell glad I did; the lesson I learned there catapulted me to the place where I wanted to be. I met a man 5 days after being in Ocean Beach. His name was Q. I was sitting in the park after walking around by myself, wondering what in the world I was doing here all by my lonesome. He caught my eye with his long, blonde hair and beautiful chest. When I looked up to check him out a little more, we locked eyes. "Hi" I said in my sweet southern girl voice. "Hello" his voice reigned heavenly over all of the other people around. It was as if a magnetic pull from his body to mine had gravitated us together in this moment, and as I found myself getting up to go toward him, he put his guitar and backpack down and walked toward me. In the moment of us meeting in the middle we hugged like we had known each other many lifetimes before. It didn't take long for the attraction to set in, and we ending up making love under the stars that night. I was excited because I had just gotten out of a relationship and was in need of some good loving; my egotistical mind (and the actions that were being portrayed by my partner)jumped to conclusions, and even though Q was going to see his mother for the holidays, I knew he would be back and we would begin our lovely relationship together. I continued wandering around Ocean Beach, taking care of the little things I needed to get done, and walking through my mind trying to find the answers as to why I was still suffering. I had made friends, who I later called family, and they all loved me for who I was. Q came back a week later, and it wasn't until the slap in the face he gave me (not literally) did I realize that I was not in OB to do anything but learn about emotional attachments, and God. He quickly saw how I acted toward him, and could tell that in my mind I was considering us dating. I played my manipulative game with him, and that will honestly be the last time I ever do that. Manipulation is a reaction to the fear of loss of love. I wanted to feel love so badly by him, more importantly being on the streets, and homeless, and a pretty girl in a city full of heroin and meth addicts, I wanted to feel protection. He told me we were NOT dating, and we never were to sleep together again. As much as this hurt, I continued to push through, because even though I had no idea what I was doing at the time, I knew there had to be SOMETHING to gain from this experience. Q had all these books. The first one I began reading on new year's eve was written by the Free Masons. It discussed how our relationship to the I Am presence (God) was the ultimate key to unlocking the "secret" to life. I read and read and read, and continued reading for the next 10 days. I started my period, and caught a cold, and continued smoking weed, and cigarettes, and eating junk food, and drinking because everyone else around me was and hell... i wanted to escape my reality for that moment in time. The only thing that kept me alert was my yoga, and the books. The emotional attachment I had to Q was continuing to manifest itself, and I knew deep down that it wasn't what needed to be happening right now, even though I wanted it to happen so badly. I was with two people I had met, taking bong rips of hash in the car when it happened. As we all laid down to go to sleep, I closed my eyes. A purple body with no face popped up in my vision, I had a feeling it was going to take me somewhere, and that it did. I astral projected; it flew me around the universe, and showed me all that needed to be seen. The last stop was a warehouse where more purple people were climbing up and down ladders, and in God's voice I heard them chanting "work harder, work harder, work harder". They wanted to take me down farther, but I jolted up quickly and woke myself up because the fear of leaving my body still exists. The vision stuck with me for the next couple of days as I continued to read A Parenthesis in Eternity, a book that broke down the God Consciousness, saying in order to live a life full of peace, harmony, and happiness we must allow the I Am presence to live through us; we must allow our sense of self (i.e. calling myself Olivia) die. Our ego must DIE. The person that we THINK we are must surrender to the fact that we are not what we think we are. I wanted answers as to how to do this, the book was giving me the answer of being still and silent, but I wanted Q to tell me how. He would say "you must not ask ME anything, I am not of this world, you must be still and silent, you MUST meditate". I wanted to be free, I wanted peace so badly, but mostly I wanted the emotional attachments I had to the hippie culture to disappear because they were holding me back completely from where I wanted to go. I spent hours on the beach by myself, practicing silencing my mind, meditating, and listening to my body for the signs of which emotions I was storing into my body. The day came when God lived through me and I was allowed to witness it. I had smoked weed only once that day, and the high got me to the place where I needed to be. I was on the beach walking through the ocean, and God started signing through me. The most beautiful song came out of my mouth, and Olivia, my ego, was STILL there, yet she was witnessing the Divine living through me. I cried when I realized I had reached that point. I ran and told Q, and appreciated God for giving me someone to share my success with in the exact way that I needed it at that time. I went to sleep that night knowing I was on the right path. When I awoke the next day, I immediately found Q so I could start reading more of the book, hoping to gain more knowledge of God and how to break down my ego so I could live a fulfilled life. I smoked weed once again, and the high got me EXACTLY where I needed to be one more time. I walked off by myself, away from the family, to figure out what was going on. As I got into the ocean, and began hula hooping on the beach God intervened again. The I Am presence took over my body, told me to release all judgements of myself, and just allow the music to flow through my body and hula hoop to the beat. That's exactly what I did. I allowed my body to be used as instrument for God, which is WHAT WE WERE MADE TO DO. I ran back to the wall to tell Q that I had achieved it once more, and more and more understanding was happening as I spoke. I sat down and turned around, to find myself looking at yet another beautiful blue-eyed long brown hair man in front of me. The soul connection was intense. "What's your name" I said with excitement. "Christopher" I jumped off the wall and sat down next to him. We didn't say much of anything to each other, just allowed the energy to flow through us. It was the light, it was pure, it was amazing. I knew I had to know him for a least a while, and that came true. I am now in Yuma, Arizona living with him, his mom, his girlfriend, and her child. Letting go of that emotional attachment I had to the "healthy" ego I had created for myself was the catapult I needed to get where I wanted to be. IF it were not for my determination to become better, to allow God to live through me, I would not be here today. I would have never stopped, looked, and listened to my surroundings. Being in the present moment is the MOST important thing anyone can do if they are wanting change in their life. God lives in all of us, whether we want to believe it or not. Stop your mental chatter, look around as to where you are, and listen to the people around you. We are ALL capable of becoming everything we want to be and more, and the ultimate goal for most is pure happiness. Accept that there is a God power, accept that we have no control over our life, realize that god is in you, realize that having a relationship with the I Am presence (your higher self) is the best thing you can do for yourself. Live in the light, live in the love, enjoy your mother-fuckin life!!! Release all emotional attachments, become what God wants you to become. Until Next Time, -Olivia