Tuesday, October 8, 2013

confessions of my inauthentic self

I went to bed with the feeling of anger and rejection lingering over me.

Why is it that I am always put in situations where I am either going to have to reject someone or someone is going to have to reject me? I know that I need to be true to myself, I need to really understand what I need to thrive emotionally, phsyically, mentally, and spiritually, and I am in need of a life partner who can understand this, but this trial and error process of me finding someone who can last a lifetime is becoming a truly life long lesson.

I have this book called spiritual astrology, and ever since I've gotten it I have been able to align my life more and more each day to God's will and what the One wants me to do in order to fully manifest it's undying, unconditional love in the earth plane. The lessons that my soul has come down here to learn pertain to jealousy, possessiveness, detachment, love without attachment, and objectivity. This seems to make sense because I have felt this horrible feeling of clinging on to people, situations, things and feeling jealous when I was ignored and being extra possessive over my friends. I have felt this need to be detached to situations, but it has been an ABSOLUTE struggle for me to do so because I am so afraid of losing my friends. I see how my egoic fears in this lifetime pertain to what my soul has come to let go of, and I am MORE than willing to let go of them, in fact I am taking the nessecary steps in my life TO let go of them.

I'm tired of feeling overly attached to situations, because frankly it causes distractions to the purpose of my life, it causes havoc and chaos in my emotional body, and it makes me feel horrible on the inside. For instance, I'm in this situation right now where I am "dating" this guy. We just started hanging out and at first I was not attached to him at all, but of course the deeper I have gone into this "relationship", the more and more my demons have come out and the more and more he is seeing my jealous, over-attached, inauthentic self manifest in the flesh... and I am just done. I'm done feeling this heavy burden of emotional weight thinking "is he going to talk to me today, am I going to see him, I have to find a way to see him...." it's horrible. I feel fucking horrible when I allow those emotions to start flaring up. It's like I have rhemtoid arthirits in my emotions, and when jolts are triggered it's as though it's the que for my inauthentic self to just manifest fully. I have to stop this. I have to let this go. I have to learn how to love without attachement. I have to let go of the jealousy and possessiveness I feel, thinking that the person only loves me for what I can give them... what if they just love me because I'm me? Isn't that a possibility?

I read two articles this morning about surrender, and I am so ready to do just that. I'm done playing these games in my mind; I'm done feeding the monster of jealousy, possessiveness, and attachement. I have a daughter to think about... and that's the thing, if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone I have to make sure that I can show my daughter how to have a healthy relationship first and foremost, and I have to make sure that person is going to know and be willing to have a relationship with little Iris, because we're a package deal now... and if you're not down with that, on to the next because I'm doing this thing right, and that's that.

Until Next Time,


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