old masks must go

Trust.

It's the first thing that we learn to do here on this planet. We learn to trust the people who are taking care of our bodies, nourishing us, and loving us. The first five years is all about building trust. Our root chakra soaks in all that is surrounding our little selves during that time, which is why it matters what happened in our childhoods.

My parents hated each other. From what I have been told, and from recently dwelving (just for you Satori) deep into my root, feeling the emotions and such, I have found all the wounds my inner child received during that time. Ever since I started massage therapy school (and even before then) when anybody would touch my thighs I would want to fight back because of the tickles I was feeling. Tickling sensation represents pain, whether it be physical or emotional. I worked on it a lot last semester and it's gotten better since then, but today when I was receiving a hot stone treatment I found myself wanting to fight back again. I couldn't help but clinch up and tense myself when he touched me, and that's when it hit me.

I lack trust in my root chakra because of the fighting, the yelling, the unstableness of my family life when I was younger. I lack trust because my dad left when I was seven years old and it pained me to see him go. I lack trust because any time my dad said he would do something, it wouldn't be done, and there would be no explanation as to why it wouldn't be done. I lack trust because my mom stopped coming to my band recitals when she got sick and could no longer properly take care of me. I lack trust because of all the sadness I saw my mom go through after the divorce; her pain became my pain. I lack trust because I was made fun of in 4th grade for my hair not being "crazy enough" on crazy hair day. I lack trust because despite my efforts to show unconditional love to all who cross my path, the favor is rarely returned and I am left with the short end of the stick. I lack trust because the father of my child said he was going to do this and this and this and he never, nor will ever do any of that. I lack trust because when I opened up my inside world to a man i thought I could have a relationship with, he shut me down and rejected me after the fact.

With all this lack of trust, and knowing the root of this issue, I can now heal, and I can now rebuild. I am surrounded by trust worthy people, I am loved and noticed and appreciated for who I am. I can let the pain of my childhood go once and for all because, well frankly I am done attracting untrustworthy partners to me. I am done attracting incompatible partners, and I am done carrying this needless weight around with me. I am protected, I can open up to receive the love that I need. I can trust the people around me. These old masks that I am carrying can be left behind because they are no longer needed. I honor them, as they protected me when I needed that protection, but now I am safe, and it is all well in my world. This is me asking mother earth to open up and take back what she gave me to protect myself, and transform it into something else. I ask that all my old wounds be healed and filled up with love and light.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia