Emotionalism

I haven't fully expressed this, but it has come up twice this week so I am thinking that the time is now to let it go. I cried tears of anger and sadness because I have this beautiful child and no partner to share her with. And it's not even that I am mad at Michael not being here, I am mad that it's not going to work out between us and I am mad that I have to feel this pain. I am not suffering through it though, I am taking it for how it is because I know how not to suffer. I didn't think my plan through when I went to Florida last year, and as much as I hoped and wished and prayed that Michael would be able to get his shit together some part of me knew that it wasn't going to happen. I feel embarrassed and sad when I think about the choice that I made- this is me caring about others opinions. I feel sad that I have nobody to share these moments with me, I feel sad that Michael is missing out on iris life. I seriously do not want this to be an issue for the rest of my life so whatever it is that's holding me back from moving on from this I gotta get through it. I keep asking myself why, and I am not meant to know why.... I keeping asking myself when I will find that partner and I don't know when.... I keep thinking that it will be never... I am angry because there are no answers to these questions.... I am just not meant to know. I keep comparing my journey to others STILL. Why am I still this little girl? This teenage mind of mine has got to go... I am just going to have to accept the circumstances for what they are and do my best. I can't know it all right now, and that's the truth of it all. I just have to keep hopeful and stay moving forward. Having a child with someone and then not being able to experience raising the child with that person is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but with time it will get easier. With time I will feel better. With time I will know more. With time I will grow. 

Until next time,

-Olivia