Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I'm just being honest

I love you then I hate you, I want you then I need you to leave. My emotions continue to create (of course) a chaotic, bumpy road for me to go down, but this stops now. I am done toying with my emotions, I am done trying to play with yours too. There must be something wrong with me, because I gain a certain sort of pleasure with this power and control bullshit... it comes so naturally to me. I want to be mature about this, I want to be healthy about this.

I already had made the unhealthy decision to run away to Florida to come be homeless with you, and then I ended up getting pregnant, and then you came and saw me, and now we're here. You're gone, which is obviously what I needed because I declared that I would NOT re-create my parents relationship, and I made the healthy decision to do adoption. But then I realized that I MAY be able to do this alone, but it really comes down to the question of whether or not I want to do this alone.

If this story were fictional I would probably end up having my character kill you out of spite, just to get her aggression out. Unfortunately this is my real life, and you're a real person, and I am going to forever know you as the father of my child. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Good Job Olivia, GREAT JOB ACTUALLY. You couldn't have just stayed your ass in Chattanooga... nooooooo you had to go FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND MAKE A FAMILY WITH HIM. Lies. If anything you really just lied to yourself, but of course I forgive you. I can't even be mad at Micheal, because he chose to play my game with me, because he actually loved me and all that jazz,  and I was a manipulating little girl trying to work out her daddy issues. It doesn't even really hurt to admit that... because it's the truth.

I must say I am very thankful for this life growing inside of me, and hell I'm even thankful for the way you came about. I am SOO thankful I don't have to pretend to be in love with someone when all I really wanted you for was your nice penis (you're welcome for the ego boost). I gotta get my emotions together though. I realized that my sacral is probably the most imbalanced of my chakras, and being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder means I have a chemical imbalance. So I realized that I am going to attract people with chemical imbalances as well... until I become balanced. Taking medicine is NOT the answer, but what I have been doing lately has actually really helped me (yoga, meditation, counseling, etc). I am so used to the highs and lows, it has become a part of my psyche to think that I have to be high and then low, and that I can't just have a regular balanced life. That pattern is done, as of right now. Seriously, why can't I just make a decision, know that it's the right decision, and then stick with it? I think I need to stop entertaining so many scenarios that could happen and be realistic. I need to know when to quit. I need to know what I can REALLY handle, not what I think I can handle.

Truth is, I can't handle a mature adult relationship with a partner right now... I'm not even to the point of being much of an adult myself. Truth is, by admitting all my flaws to myself (and to the public of whoever reads my blog) I am clearing the air, making room for new... and none of this is really coming out of a bad place, because my intentions are to be balanced in all of my chakras, and to have the healthiest emotional body I possibly can have. You were a huge part of my pain body, and the fact that I even cared so much about you that I got you to come here just so I could be the one to break up with you this time, because my little ego couldn't handle the fact that you left me not once but twice... God, how immature of me. I can't even ask why I do the things I do, because I know that it doesn't even matter... my intentions are to gain some sort of satisfaction out of the action that I commit, but then when I impulsively do something it leaves me with this feeling of "wait... why the fuck did I just do that".

I am learning to enjoy the build up, which is helping me understand that patience really is a virtue. I have a lot of great things going for me right now. I start school in less than three weeks, I sold some hula hoops yesterday, and am continuing to make them, I have GREAT friends who know who I really am and can see past the bullshit that I make out to be "real life" (and also because I've stopped trying to ruin friendships), I do yoga, make hula hoops, exercise, write, and meditate everyday. My life is getting better because I am no longer drinking and drugging myself to death, and I am no longer (as of now) making impulsive decisions just to satisfy my emotional pain body... because that pain body doesn't even know what true satisfaction is. I know how to act in a healthy manner now, and I am taking the nessecary steps to do so. With Micheal and I being over my pain body part of me that wants to ruin things, hold on to things, act impulsively, lie, steal, cheat, live off of other people, remain in a state of constant paranoia, gain attention because I feel the need to be noticed, say mean things just to hit him where it hurts, maybe that girl can just go ahead and die already. Because I'm not impressed with you, and nobody else is either. Nobody really likes you, and I know that you just do that because you feel the need to protect/defend yourself... but you're just living in fear. People love THE real you which is why they stick around; people love the person you are and they love what you bring to the table. So Olivia (yeah this one is for you), just stop creating drama, and go out and create a reputation worth living up to.

Until Next Time,


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