Discombobulated is the word that comes to mind right now. Lack of inner peace. Struggling through my fears, approaching the surface, and breaking through the pain to see the light. I get criticized so much, day in and day out. Why do I subject myself to such things? Positive criticism is good, and I have friends that I do that with. There are friends that criticize me based on the actions that I portray to them, and then there are friends that criticize me based on the decisions that I have made for my life.
This morning I was told that it was wrong of me to give my baby up for adoption, in fact it was selfish. When I get overwhelmed with emotions I know that I am not being my true authentic self, and I know that my intuition is not functioning properly. It is very important for my intuition to be aligned with the true authenticity of my self or else I will lead myself astray. When I try to cater to others' emotional issues, forgetting that I am a sensitive being that feels much more than the average person. I feel so much that it causes me physical pain, sometimes so much that I have to lay down until it passes through. I evoke the emotional pain through my strong arrogant human nature sometimes; lack of willingness to back down, listening to others and giving them credit where it is not due.
I want to be emotionally healed so I can heal others emotionally as well. I want to feel as though I have a sense of belonging in the world, isn't that what everyone is searching for? Are your criticisms actually helping me? Are your intentions to hurt me when you say those things to me? We, as humans, play emotional games with one another. We create these scenarios within our minds, and act them out through our intuition. There must be a better way to relate to one another, and I know that I have seen another way for people to live. I want to get to that level of financial, emotional, and overall inner peace where I am just there and I know that it is okay. I want to be completely honest with myself and release all unnecessary actions that portray my character as something other than what I truly am, or can be. I want to let go of the things that are not meant for me.
I find such difficulty in actually wanting to live a financially stable life, because I'm so used to not being stable in that way. I'm so used to getting free food from the church, and eating unhealthy because that's all I can afford, but my spirit desires something better for me... I desire something better for me. I have to go what's emotionally grained in me, I have to re-write my sacral chakra, and I have to be confident in my skills to budget, my skills to make money and be a professional, my skills to take responsibility for the debts I have created and pay them off. I have to know how to save money (something that I have never done before) and I have to know how to ultimately manage my money in a responsible way. I can't just go out and blow money on things that I want in the moment, I have to say it for things that I will get me to that place of peace, that place where I want to go. The scariest/stressful part is that I have to make enough money to do all the things that I want to do. I can't live this way anymore. I'm done being impoverished. I choose to tap into the abundance that exists within me. I choose to manifest my true, responsible being... I choose to be mature.
I guess the first step is admitting to the bad habits that I have. I blow money on weed, eating out, etc. when what I really want to be doing is saving that money to move to California. I write out a budget but then I don't stick to it. I borrow money, with no intention of paying it back and just allowing the debt to occur. I don't take into account the necessary expenses, and always end up cheating myself and not nourishing myself in the way that I had planned. The way I handle my money is immature, irresponsible, and downright horrible. I have to fix this part of me. It's not something that can be changed overnight, and I definitely am willing to do the work to get where I need to be. The journey has just begun.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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