Tuesday, August 6, 2013

To The One I Love

It's difficult to overcome my heartbreak when images of us running around Northern California and falling in deep love with one another keep playing in my head. Or when I think of the imitate nights laying next to one another in bed, heads pressed together, staring deeply into each other's eyes, forming a connection of unconditional love. I think of the last time we made love, and when you whispered in my ear "i love you" I knew that it was real. I knew that you meant it. You said "I'm not here to change you, I'm here to love you" the unfortunate part was, I was here to change you... in fact I was going to need for you to change in order for our love to truly grow and stick. Sure, I could have not honored myself and at one point I was even ready to just take care of all expenses for you, me, and our child.... just because I love you.

Even though we give the feeling of unconditional love, compassion, ecstacy, and pure bliss to one another there are many sides to you and I both that are not healthy for each other. I express my anger vividly when I feel like someone isn't listening to me, and it comes out even more when that anger is toward my intimate partner. You run away from things like that, and I don't blame you. I wasn't going to listen to you call me a liar, a manipulator, I wasn't going to fight with you about how I slept with other people when we broke up, I wasn't going to defend myself and then have you tell me that we had never broken up, we had been together for all these 10 months. I wasn't going to become completely detached from my true authentic self that I have been striving so hard to bring out to fight with you because you were planning on laying on the couch, and not getting a job, and just watching me not only grow our child, but birth it, and then take care of it financially, emotionally, spiritually.... I might as well be a single mom rather than have another child as a husband. Maybe I was attempting to predict the future, and maybe I listened way too much to the advice your mother gave me because she has seen you do this for 15 years.

At first I thought it was that you didn't love me, but that's not the case, you love me to the moon and back and I know that, now I think it's just that you've gone of the deep end... you're not here anymore in this reality, and I live in your dream world with you, because many times you have told me that you dreamed me before you met me. You wanted me. Olivia Claire. I hated when you would talk so stern to me, because I knew you weren't understanding where I was coming from, and I felt there was no way of communicating to you what I was saying because you would have defied it; you would have wanted to argue with me.... and I have a tendency of arguing for the sake of arguing, and that generally blows up in my face. I just needed you to leave. I needed you to not be here because I was losing focus on what actually NEEDS to be done in order to survive, thrive, and be the best absolute person I can possibly be this lifetime. I need to fufill my destiny.... I keep replaying the day I pushed you away, and I see how it could have gone totally differently,  but I chose to react a certain way, and now I'm writing a whole blog trying to justify my actions. The truth is, I fucking love you Micheal, more than I have ever loved anybody else, and in a totally different way. There is this huge part of me that just wants to say "YES I WILL MARRY YOU, YES I WILL BE YOUR SUGAR MAMA AND TAKE CARE OF ALL THE FINANCIAL NEEDS FOR YOU, ME AND YOUR CHILD, YES I WILL PUT UP WITH YOUR PHASES OF PARANOIA, YOUR PHASES OF DETACHMENT, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU" Yet, for some reason all of that seems unrealistic. I wish it was real. I wish it could be a reality. I wish you would come back and we could talk like adults, and actually make a life together, because I want to go through life with you... but sometimes what you want isn't what you need. This is where I need to ask my higher self "Is Micheal the partner that I need" and I'm the only one who can tell me that.

We need some more space, and I need to become more solid and secure in myself before I make a decision... adoption, or me being a single mom, or me being a single mom and then allowing you to walk back into my life. You're my cryptonite, when I'm around you I can't fight the feelings I feel for you, I just cave, I become a vulnerable creature that just says yes to every ridiculous idea you have, and I forget that I'm Olivia Madlock and I have my own life to live, and I have things to do this lifetime too. I'm pretty sure a relationship is a partnership, and we need to play as a team, and we need to communicate as much as we need to know about each other. You always find a way to turn it back around on me, you never ever have said "i'm sorry" to me for the way you have made me feel... and I have apologized many times.

I don't know your intentions, and I sure as hell don't know if that you're intentions are good or not. We see things completely differently, and in order for us to have a relationship there are some things we are going to have to see at face value, for what they really are not for what we "think" they may be... which is hard to do when you're intimately involved with someone, but shows a sense of maturity when it can be done. I'm looking for a mature relationship, because I'm getting too old to play high school games. I have no doubt that you're not going to contact me sometime soon, and if you left Chattanooga already, I know you'll find you're way back. I just can't take care of you, I can't provide everything for you, and our child and still be happy. I need to take care of me, before I can take care of we. My needs will come second when it comes to the child, which makes this time that I have now just for me even more important to ensure my status as healthy emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. I know the answers will come.

Until Next Time,


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