I need to feel these emotions, I can't be afraid of them. If I don't feel them I will never grow. They flow through me like the ocean tide pulling back and forth. Sometimes the energy begins to feel overwhelming, and my world begins to shake, and I am not too sure as to what's happening, but the vibrations within my intuition help my eyes perceive this world as something truly miraculous. It feels like I am constantly telling myself the same things over and over and over and it is the utter frustration that my higher self is probably one of the most fucking confusing things I have ever encountered. I am frustrated that I will never know.... that I will never know what love is.... I will always see love as something separate of me. I will always see love as something that needs a two in order to make the one. I guess I'm just asking myself what I want from myself, because the only person who is capable of giving me a peace of mind is me.
Actor 1: teaches me love without attachement.
Actor 2: teaches me jealousy and posseiveness=fake confidence
When you're not trying to make anything, the times when you want to try the most but you don't have any sense of knowing what difference your move will make for you and those around you, who do you ask for help? Do you ask for help? Are you worth knowing? What really matters? It physically frightens me to think that actor 1 and actor 2 could potentially have sex, that is a possibility but does that actually mean the stars are aligned that way- wait I need to stop myself. I mean I understand that this is important for growth, but how much of this actually matters? It matters because I need to berid myself of these feelings of fake confidence, jealousy, and possessiveness. "You don't own me, and I don't own you"
Everyone has their own sexual energy. Everyone creates things in their own ways. The way I interpret sex... I don't think it's dirty, I think it needs to be done in a very specific way. I think there needs to be loved involved. I think it needs to be treated as sacred, and I have no fucking idea how to do that. Well, I thought I did know how to do it... or at least I thought the bible told us how to do it... is that the "right" way to do that? Or is is what feels right for you? Okay I've had both; Can love only be shared between a man and a woman? A lot of people have their definition of love, it's all one...
I don't know if it's just the way things work, or if I have to see what I want before I can have it. Is too much of me to ask for the relationship I see.... seeing is believing, right?
Things I would like to avoid:
1. feeling smothered
2. feeling jealous
3. feeling possessive
4. feeling angry
5. feeling sad
6. feeling confused
7. feeling as though I have a lack of understanding
8. feeling unloved
9. feeling fake
10. feeling unsure of my decisions, but still continue to make the wrong decisions
11. using my ability to fuck things up for myself/other people in spite
12. feeling as if there isn't a solution to the problem I have
It's funny because learning who you are is a huge fucking life long journey.... it's eternal, and I am beginning to understand that life=love=learning=eternity.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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