Sometimes when I sit down to write I find it hard to find that true voice inside of me that's screaming to come out; it's like I have to dig to find her. Sometimes I have to force her out, and sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the feeling to write that I just have to gush.
My writer is my introverted side, my deep voice within that sees and feels and loves and laughs and cries all while watching her life pass her by. My writer is my warrior, who will never give up fulfilling her dreams. My writer is my fear-based ego, my writer is my spirit, my writer is my truth. I am my writer, my writer is me. I can move forward from writing about the non-existent fear I feel.... It's interesting because I may "feel" the fear, but I know that the fear is not the truth, fear is just a side effect of not knowing the truth. I find more truth in myself each and every day, and with this truth the fear seems to disappear. People are afraid of the truth, because it may actually set them free. I used to be one of those people.
TRANSITION.
I can look at my life and say that I have been on "this" particular journey since the day I was born, and that would be true. Throughout this journey there have been check points, and one of the most recent check points started when I was nineteen years old; when I started tripping a lot of acid and mushrooms as a result of me getting kicked out of Agnes Scott College. From that person I became a wild child for two years, and when I was 21 I finally decided to stop running from my responsibilities by, well running from my responsibilities to go take care of the one of the most important things, myself. Above all else I needed freedom from the responsibilities that I wasn't taking care of in order to find some sort of inner peace in myself because the pressure was weighing down, and I felt like I was at the bottom and there was nowhere to go but up, and I had to fully hit the 3 dimensional rock bottom of being homeless, to un-ground, to re-ground.
I started the transition of awareness taking the masculine approach first; I had to master my mind to even to begin to feel spirit in my heart. Positive affirmations, conquering the voices in my head that I was holding onto; there was a point last year where I heard my mother's voice in my mind screaming at me "you're not good enough!" I heard her voice, and that was the day that I just let it all go. That was the day that I said fuck it, that was the day that no longer would I hold hate in my mind. Because of this I found spirit in my heart.
I am now sitting here on December 18, 2013 at 10:02pm, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Iris Athena is her name, and she has come here to restore peace in my life. Her energy is vibrating high, and it's truly so surreal that my emotions, my body, my mind, my heart went into growing a tiny human; her spirit is enlightened and pure, beautiful as the rainbow she uses to travel from the underworld to heaven. My transition of the masculine energy within myself last year has brought me to this point to what is about to be another intense transition; my feminine transition, my initiation into the feminine energy.... giving birth. I am aware of how deep of a transformation this is going to be, and I am immediately casting out all fear. What a beautiful thing it is to be able to have two deep transformations so close to each other. Throughout being pregnant I have learned so much as to what my body needs as a woman, as a human. I have discovered how important it is to really be mindful of what you are putting in your body because it does effect your emotional state; if your body is working too hard to digest things, or if it is filled with things that it doesn't need, or if does not have enough of what it needs it will cause dis-ease,thus causing imbalance physically, and in many cases emotionally. Nourishment is key to a healthy, happy physical and emotional state. Meditation and awareness is key to a healthy, happy spiritual and mental state. The mind and body can work together as one, and when they are doing so the better and better life gets. I am an example of this, I am going to continue to live my life this way.
Letting go, or rather moving forward, is always a part of the journey. Iris is about to move forward from womb to earth, I am about to move forward from my 19 year old emotional state, predominately masculine based, to my 22 year old emotional state, predominately feminine based. It's going to be a beautiful transition in all honesty; I am able to do this the way that I want to thanks to a lot of things. Every way that I receive I am so grateful, and right now I have a lot of financial support until I am able to legally make money as a massage therapist and then I will be able to give and receive all in one. I will still receive support for schooling, and that is definitely NOT a bad thing. Moving forward from hating on the government and all they do, and truly appreciating the amount of wealth they dish out on my behalf as a single mother, student taking all of the necessary steps to establish freedom, individualism, and the ability to use MY creative energy to give to the system. That is completely possible. I am not going to stay on welfare for long, I will overcome this just as I overcome everything else. Patience is key. I have all of the time I need. I will produce results in the investments I have made. I will pay back all of the money that I have borrowed from the government in some way. For some reason I really feel the need to affirm and voice that here on my blog, I think once us as a people stop hating the government, bashing them for all the wrong decisions they make, then something will change. They are taking on too much responsibility for any humans to deal with successfully, and I do believe its up to us to show them that we don't need them, and in us showing them that we don't need them something will have to change. But right now, I need the government. I need them to give my money so I can go to school, eat food, buy diapers, I need the government to help me out right now... and then once I have my job working and giving 4 massages daily as a massage therapist (which I am making happen right now) I will be able to take responsibility for my own survival in this system.
This is me staying the course, this is me affirming that positive things are going to happen, and this is me finishing my ramblings and going to sleep.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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