I keep waking up at 3am angry as fuck because I'm not having contractions yet; literally that is my initial reaction. I was dreaming that I went to the doctor on Monday and they told me that because her head was low so that means she is ready to come.
Seriously these last few days are building up the anticipation even more, and all I ask is that she comes before January because I would really like more then 16 days with my little girl before I have to go back to massage therapy school. I feel the hormones raging already, and I know that I am going to have to deal with the challenges of a new born baby with grace and gentleness or else I am going to fuck myself up. I should be enjoying these last few days as a single woman with no kids, but I am just so damn ready to start this next phase of my life! The universe is probably giving me time to soak it all in, soak in all of the lessons that I have learned in the year of 2013 and just marvel at how well things have turned out for me.
I know that I am going to have to definitely have a strong sense of authority in myself because EVERYBODY is going to want to tell me what to do, how to hold her, how to feed her, blah blah blah....
hormone reaction: back off bitches, this is MY baby.
appropriate reaction: thank you for your wonderful advice I will be sure to keep that in mind
I don't want to be one of those super possessive moms that doesn't allow anybody else to hold Iris (not that that would happen anyway) and I definitely don't want to be one of those moms that just doesn't hold her baby at all (not that that would happen anyway); I am probably going to find some balance between. Also, I'm sick of everyone telling me how "hard" it's going to be... Okay, so I know that being a mom isn't like the easiest job in the world, I'm not flipping burgers at the McDonald's, no. I am teaching a little human all the basics of love, all while learning more about love at the same time. But damn. Let's not make it so scary anymore okay? Let's just recognize that as women we were designed for this hard work, we were MADE to be mama's, so with that being said if I was made to do this, then I'm going to be just fine. It's not that anybody is saying that it isn't going to be fine, but I just always feel this sense of "fuck off" when people want to tell me how I am going to react to the experience of being a mom....
you don't know me, and if you think you know me, then you know that I don't do it how everyone else does it, now do I?
Now that we have gotten a bit of the hormone rage out of the way here is how it's going to be. I am going to adjust perfectly fine to my little new born baby. I plan on getting her on a good schedule so when I go back to school it will be a lot easy for her to function....
people always seem to forget there is ORDER in CHAOS.
It's all about mindset, so if I see my new born as something that brings me challenges and such, then that's what I'll get. If I face the sleepless nights with compassion and understanding that this little human being just got to earth and has no idea what's up or what's down, then that's what I'll get in return. Law of attraction at it's finest.
change excites me.
I think about what the majority of my generation/people my age are doing right now; probably passing out on a friend's couch after a long night of drinking and smoking and doing the do that the 20somethings do, and I am going to be learning how to love on a whole another level. I know I have always wanted to be different, and I may have taken this one pretty far this time, but I know I'm going to do a good job as a mama. The confidence has definitely kicked in, and all of the sudden I feel like my mind knows what to do, THANK GOD. I am pretty excited for this change, I don't want to feel like I am waiting for the discomforts of contractions to get me going, though and I am praying praying praying and asking that she comes before the end of December, please little girl!
they say you find your real friends when a baby comes.
And ain't that the truth. One of my best friends was officially called it off with me. It hurts, yeah. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass, but I still want to honor the loss that I am at right now. I know that it's for the best, because I don't have time to play these silly little ego games that she wanted to inflict on our relationship every single time we hung out, and it hurts me that she couldn't find a way to just grow up, grow out of it, stop making the illusion real, and recognize the reality of it all. Talk about energy vampires... I forgive her, but there was just a lot left unsaid, and I think that it's just going to have to be that way... because if we try to say anything to each other I will get distracted from my new path and she will just feel emotionally drained and imbalanced. So it is what it is, and I love you all the same, and I know that it's time to go our separate ways.
So here are the things that I am going to focus on:
1. Get a weekend job paying 9-10$ an hour (save money!)
2. Get a reliable, affordable car
3. Find a cheap two bedroom house in St Elmo w/ awesome/trustworthy roommate to share with
4. FOCUS SOLELY ON MY MASSAGE AT SCHOOL DO NOT COMPARE ANYMORE
5. love my baby like I've never loved anything else
6. Show compassion for myself, love myself in all areas of my life
7. Maintain balance in the upcoming events of my new busy ass life
Enough ramblings, rants,raves, and goal setting for this girl here. Signing off.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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