A couple of things I would like to communicate on this fine morning.
1. I woke up feeling like I wanted to grab my AK and go kill three people, grab a sausage biscuit at Mickey D's, and then come home to mow the lawn. Seriously, what the fuck is up with me waking up and instantly feeling guilty for an incident that happened a year or more ago? I'm over this ego trip I go on about how "careless" and "thoughtless" I am. It turns into this feeling that I need to prove myself to the world, I need to redeem myself, because who you really saw a year ago wasn't the REAL, true authentic me... and I sold myself short by not caring about what other thought of me.
2. After restarting my day, finding my center, and do some yoga I came back down to earth and of course forgave myself for the evil thoughts I would never pursue (thank God for the power of choice). Micheal is going to be here today, maybe, if he can get a ride from Nashville to Chattanooga, and let's be honest I'm sort of freaking out. My mom came over yesterday and I learned a lot about the relationship she and my father had... This one time my Dad had gotten home from picking me up from daycare, and my mom wasn't home yet. He wanted to go smoke some crack with the boys so he came up with this master plan. He called my mom while she was at work (at the time she was a paralegal) and told her that he had AIDS and needed to come home. This was when I was a year and a half, and she's sitting at work crying her eyes out thinking I have AIDS, she has AIDS, and what the fuck would happen if she died and who would take care of me.... That's the kind of relationship my parents had. Pretty fucked up, but for some reason it makes me laugh so hard because my dad has the nerve to lie about something SOOOOOO important, something life and death, just so he could go smoke some crack.... like, seriously what the fuck were you thinking?
Which brings me to this. Micheal thinks I'm a liar. He thinks I'm a liar because we had just finished doing the do and were walking to the Whole Foods to grab some more wine, and I was telling him about this guy I had slept with before he and I met, (mind you this was immature, insensitive to other people's feelings Olivia) and he asked "Did you use a condom" of course we didn't because it was spur of the moment and we were drunk, but I said we did... he knew that I was lying, and he was like "you're lying" and I was like... "Yeah I am, we didn't..." This was eight months ago, and to this day he still is calling me a liar. Probably one of the worst fights we had in our relationship was him calling me a liar and then leaving me on the side of the highway to hitchhike home from Florida by myself.
Okay, so the only reason I'm hashing all of this and putting myself on blast is because I can now see the root of the issue... subconsciously we all recreate our parents relationships if we have not let go of the behavior we saw when we were children (if the behavior was bad then we're fucked). I saw some pretty fucked up behavior out of both of my parents, and my intuition has been recreating their relationship... and it's biting me in the ass. If anything I was taught what NOT to do in a relationship, and now I'm learning more and more each day through my healing process how to have a healthy relationship with a man... because that's important to me... I want to find a partner to settle down with and have children with one day. I've come to terms with the fact that Micheal may or may not be that person, regardless the child is still going up for adoption, because I have a lot of transforming to do before I'm to the point of feeling the unconditional-compassionate love of God resonating through my ego, creating truly loving, blissful relationship. It's not a means to an end, more of a journey that needs to be done alone, or with someone who is fully supportive and understanding of my inconsistencies, lack of knowledge on how a loving relationship between a man and woman really works, and my healing process. Preferably someone who has gone through it, and is no longer at the point I'm at, someone who has become the master of their mind, or is working on becoming the master... someone who will push me to be my best self, and not my worst. A man who is full of compassion, understanding, and kindness... someone who can bend and flow with ease.... a healer.
I'm not going to go out and seek this man, because I know once I get there myself, or once I feel as though I'm ready to grow with beautiful divine light, the universe will provide him for me. The last time I fell into a relationship I was desperate to fill the void of my dad leaving, and I thought all the insecurities could be fixed if I had a healthy sexual partner... not to say I didn't learn a lot, and now I can let go of "power and control" because that's not what love is; love is a give and take... a balance, the highest consciousness one can reach. Where ever that consciousness is, however long it takes me to get there, I'm going there, I'm going that way. And so it is.
Until Next Time,