I'm not entierely too sure as to what is really going on, and I can't even really comprehend a fraction of it because it's happening so quickly, that I'm just moving along with the flow hoping that all of the answers will be reveiled soon.
Micheal never showed up. He called me on Wednesday and said he was almost to Nashville and that he should probably be here on Thursday, it's Sunday and I've heard nothing from him. I honestly don't know if I'll hear anything from him at all because three thrings could have happened; he could have gotten arrested again, he could have got hit by a car and died, or he could have just said fuck it I'm not going to Chattanooga becuase she wants to give the baby up for adoption and I have no chance of getting back together with her. I remember when I was standing at the Blue Hole Suck Creek on Thursday, listening to the deepest wisdom inside me when all of the sudden a clear voice came from my heart and said "raising a child is a privilege, not a right" and that is when I realized adoption is the answer, because I would not look at this as a privilege, it would be a struggle. I know that I'm going to give this privilege to a family who deserves it and is ready for it and has worked for it. I thought of Micheal when I heard this voice, because he felt that because he got me pregnant it was a right to raise a child, I knew better though. I keep imagining if he's dead, and how I would find out, and how maybe it was his fortune to die because he could finally be free and back with God, and come back down when he was truly ready to learn the lessons he needed to learn this lifetime but had avoided for so long. I imagined myself crying, and just sending love to his soul, and being thankful that he was able to pass his genes along before he died. I imagined him in jail again, sitting there, thinking about how close he was, yet how far away he had become. I don't love him in that way anymore, and there is no chance of me loving him that way ever again. I'm not that girl that fell in love with him, and it's not that the girl I was had something wrong with her... she was wandering and searching for the correct path she needed to be on. She thought that maybe he would go with her and grow with her, but what she didn't realize is that some things must be done alone.
I had these crazy dreams last night, of girls just shooting each other with guns while I was trying to start my job at the new restaurant. I saw a friendship end maliciously yesterday due to jealousy and obsession. I get jealous, but I am honest enough with myself never to lie to someone about what another did in order to excommunicate them from my friend group... I know that most of my problems come from inside me, and I know that there is a solution to these problems. If we created the problem, then obviously we created the solution. Now we are all on this journey of discovering the answers to the mystery, and infinite intelligence is guiding us if we allow the One into our life. I woke up with a sense of mysteriousness, not necessarily fear but more of just like "I'm tired, and I don't know the answer right now, so I'm just going to not even try". I feel dangerous when I get like this, as though I am losing my seeking mind. I know that's not true, I need to respect that sometimes I need a break because shit get's real... fast.
I'm building trust with others, I'm building a trustworthy foundation within myself. I asked one of my best friends to grow with me, and she said she felt weird because her roommate and I weren't like best friends too... I love everyone unconditionally, but I can also tell when my forceful healing energy can cause others to feel uncomfortable, so I stay clear of them. I don't ask too many questions, and I don't get to know them because I feel like they don't want me to get to know them on that level. She tends to be in a different space than me when I'm around, and I know my job as a person who is Present is to stay Present at all times, and that's just it. I have to take the action at all times to be Present. I am in control of my emotions. I know that I've broken a lot of cycles this weekend, and it may have just been for me, and for nobody else, and I think that's okay too... because what's good for me is good for the whole. However, I still feel like there is a question that I've asked, and I don't remember the question, but the answer is soon to be revealed.
I have to take the action in order to see it done, and I am willing to do that. I have to take right action, and I am willing to do that. I also have to allow myself the time and space to hear the answer. I feel as though a plateau period is coming; I've made it up the hill and I've made it down the hill, and now I'm walking a straight road going exactly where I need to go. There is time for listening, there is time for speaking, there is time for taking action, there is time for reaction. There is a time and place for everything.
There is this girl that I love, and have loved since I met her. She is my best friend, my journey buddy, my soul mate. I could see myself growing with her from now... until forever. I think we may have done this whole life things together before, so that makes it a whole lot easier. I trust her with my whole being. Even when I feel unsafe, I feel safe. Even when I feel frustrated, I feel the love. I know when she needs her space, and she knows when I need mine. We create amazing magical worlds together, we discover the truths of Time and Space together... now the question is if I choose to love her for the rest of my life, will she choose to love me for the rest of my life? I think that neither one of us want to commit to another person until we are solid in ourselves, and I respect that need that I have, and I respect the need that she has. It's been a year, and sure Micheal came along, but I always told him it was never like the connection I had with this wonderful girl. I know you probably have more than one soulmate, but what if there is one just for this lifetime? We'll see.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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