Wednesday, July 17, 2013

these are my confessions

Okay. I'm here. And there is a lot that is about to come out, so before you read this be forewarned that this is going to be probably the most truthful blog I've written. It's going to reveal the true woman behind the mask of this face. The soul that has entered this body combined with the mind that is driving my inutition I have discovered many important details about myself... about the true person living within. The more and more I discover about her the more and more I want to share her. But there is this hesitation, this feeling stopping me, and I can pin point it to the T- it's the hesitation that I won't be accepted into this world... but yet I can now see another side to where this lack of feeling accepted comes from... it's the deep feeling that, dare I say, my ideas are the best... that what I have to say is what can change the world, and anybody who denys this is someone who is not there yet.

Many of you who read know about the chakra system... spirit world, past lives, where we came from before, and how to apply all of this to your daily life. I have this too. I'm thankful that this part of life comes to easily and freely to me, and sometimes as much as I want to teach what I know I become my own worst enemy. I hold myself back, I trip over my feet when I start going to fast to catch up to where I think I should be, I don't allow the flow of life to just... fuck, flow through me. I want to edit it, help LIFE along, but sometimes... sometimes, if I don't listen I just trample over the path that life gave me and I don't even realize what I am doing. My horse nature comes out, and as strong as I am, I forget to use my strength to get me what I really want. Do I really seriously think that it is possible for every person that I work with in the massage therapy feild to be as open and receptive to the healing force of the universe to give me as many chances as I need to get things right? No. Which is why I'm practicing now. I'm becoming what I need to become in order to pursue my career, passion, and gift as an emotional healer of the world. I know that along the way things will pop up, but when they do I will have mastered my gift enough to share it with as many as possible.

At Abuelo's (speaking of which I got fired for crying, but that's a whole another pain body "Olivia" story for antoher day) all they cared about was image. Nobody there understood what was actually going on, but I wasn't making it any better because I was ignoring what criticism they had to say about others.... and when I did hear them it pissed me off because they were so mean about it. "YO UNEED TO FILL THOSE DRINKS UP NOW" but it was just like... are you trying to find a reason to fire me? I can't go on a tanget about the unawareness of my fellow coworkers, and I don't want to boast on mine, but I will congratulate myself for staying aware as much as possible. Finally, when my emotional body decided that was enough, she said "dude, you're ignoring me, and you're going to go on a self destructive path..." so I got fired. It's not the logical reason but part of it was to do with because I didn't fix the problem fast enough for them... but I felt rushed, and I needed to take my time, because sometimes I'm not ready to heal some of the shit inside of me because it can get really FUCKING reasl when you realize that a part of you manipulated another human being into feeling something they had never felt before, and now it's manifesting before your eyes... and if you think you manifested it for the wrong reason it sure as hell isn't going to feel too good. Have you ever felt so bad you wanted to die? Have you ever felt like such a sick, horrible, guilty, nonforgiveable  bag of scum that you literally thought there was no more to do in this life but to just kick the bucket? I have. And I want to know where this feeling is coming from and I want to gently, and lovingly bring this little girl inside of me to the light. I want her to know that she is a precious child of God, and is a miracle. I want her to know that the problems you may precive will one day be off in the far distance, and that there is nothing she could ever do that she couldn't forgive herself for. I want to teach this little baby Olivia ego inside of me how to do things right, and go with the natural flow of life, whether it be good or bad, taking everything in stride, and knowing that whatever she did she did her best to maintain the balance. I want to tell her to relax because everything is going to be okay, and everything was already okay in the first place. I give her the courage to do all the things that she thinks she may not be able to accomplish, and allow her the time and space to do all the things she wants and needs to do in order to grow into her true authentic self. My confessionals can just go on and on, but this inner dialouge feels greatly manifested. The silence is peacful. The balance is bliss. I'm giving the keyboard once last kiss with my fingers... until tomorrow of course!

Next blog: how about sending the white light to everyone you can?!

until next time,


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