Monday, July 8, 2013

Being Human

A part of being human is making bad decsions, mistakes, or harships for your life, and then surrendering to the almighty power of God/Universal Power/Higher Self to get it fixed. You see, I'm pregnant. I'm 14 weeks pregnant, and I came to the conculsion it was the best decision for me to have an abortion. 1. I didn't want to be nine months pregnant at the end of massage school because that sounds fucking uncomfortable, 2. I didn't want to be connected to the father for the rest of my life, and with the information that I recieved a couple days ago, he didn't want to be connected to me either... 3. I wanted to find the easiest way to establish my freedom again. So for the past two weeks my ego has been fighting with my higher self, creating angst, anxiety, and just downright hormonal outburts of crying trying as hard as it possibly could to convince itself that having an abortion was the best decision. My higher self didn't listen to ego, because something that my ego was unaware of was happening... not only was my mom praying for me to just give the baby up for adoption, so was my best friend, her mom, and my brother... After finding out that an abortion at this stage would be almost 800$, I cried, and I surrendered my creative power. I called everyone I needed to call, and I am now under the process of giving the baby up for adoption.

I know that everyone has an opinion on what I'm doing, and how I'm going about it, but you guys must know that I am doing the best I can fucking do with what I got. I'm not going to sit here and blame my past for my present state, and I'm not going to fear my future because of the state that I'm in. Everything changes, all the time... ALL OF THE TIME. I am afraid because a baby is a permanant mark on the world, the most permanant you can get, and if I were to keep this child I would come second. I would have to think about that kid first and foremost... and that sounds like a struggle that I am not REMOTELY prepared for... because being a mom is something you have to be ready for. I am ready, however to be human and to be grounded in this world. I'm ready to actually fufill my dreams of travelling, living in another country, and paying off my debts. I know that there is a man and woman out there who is more than ready to have a child, and if I can't give the baby the best life that it deserves, I know someone will.

I'm impulsive, I see all angles, and I too quickly take into account the hardships I might handle, and because I am strong and courageous I say "it doesn't matter which way I go, I know that I'm going to be okay". But this time it really DID matter which way I went... if I had an abortion I may or may not have regretted killing a life at such a late stage, but I told myself that it would be okay... I was too afraid to explore what this might actually do to me, because everyone is different, and I can't nessecarily listen to what someone else thinks I should do. If I had decided to keep this baby, I know that I would love and adore it, but yet again I was too afraid to explore how I would feel when my friends were taking road trips to Colorado or hiking the Appilachian Trail or  backpacking through Europe and I was at home taking care of a kid all by myself because the father never came around. I would actually say, I did explore that... and I saw for a second how it would have felt; I thought about how my child would have felt... growing up without a father has dug some deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep scars within my emotional body, that I am STILL healing, and there was no way I was going to pass along that karma to the innocent soul within me. I imagined it growing up and asking me "why didn't I have a dad" and my heart would just break over and over, because I would have to say "your mom fell in love with a man who didn't love her back, who was incapable of loving her back, and as much as he said he wanted you, he didn't want you... he didn't know what he wanted" and that would hurt.

Accepting pain as a reality is a tough one for me, because I want to stay in the clouds, and all of my pain comes from my bottom three chakras. But I know that somewhere, somehow, something inside me that is grounded to this world feels pleasure. I know that my emotional body is capable of feeling peace, harmony, joy, content, love, and pleasure, and I just have to find it. I have to go through the pain to get through the pleasure. It gets hard, it gets overwhelming, and I get scared. I think that I won't survive, or that I'll get fired for being too emotional at work, so I just push through, and I just keep that smile on my face and I trust that it's going be okay. I want to find that love, that true love that exists within me, and outside of me. I had a dream the other night, and I was seeing beautiful trees, and blue skies, and a voice was showing me mother earth and it said "you already know true love" and in that moment in my dream I felt the most pure uncondtional love I have ever felt... and I want that to last. I say that I want to do all these things, and I have my bucket list written out (which is like the millionth one I've written) and I feel guilty for not following through on a lot of the goals that I have set for myself, but I think that I didn't think I could do it. Now that I know that ANYTHING can happen, and I can choose to be open to the unconditional love that is all around me, and I can actually make a plan, make a goal, and work towards it, I know that this bucket list will come though.

The new journey has been laid out for me, and the man that I thought I loved and could love forever is no longer a part of the plan. My mourning period will not last long, soon I will be organized in ways that I have never thought of, and I'll be on top of my game. I am slowly but surely paying off all of my debts, getting to the point where I am going to start eating and nourishing my body in a very healthy way, and cutting through the bullshit to see what's actually out there. Life is not just a walk in the park, there are decisions to be made and action to be taken. It is up to me to make my life what I want. The fetus inside of me will live, and the life that it will have with the beautiful family that is going to raise it will be great.

No guilt.
God forgives.
God knows shit gets rough.
God does not blame me for anything.
God is unconditional love.
I am forgiven.

Until Next Time,


No comments:

Post a Comment