1. To anybody that I have pushed, or pulled, to change and they were not ready for it to happen, thus I created havoc change rather than a harmonic change I do apologize; I am learning to master my gift right now, and in due time I will be able to lead people to the change they want to see without forcing them... or they may just come to it on their own... this is the over-confidence issue I have when I want to rush the process for people. I am learning that everyone has their own pace, just as I do... yet I don't tend to ever feel rushed, because I'm always open to the change. I know that whatever somebody else is saying to me my ego (third chakra, solar plexus, which is directly connected to my second intuition, third eye) is already saying, I'm just not listening.
2. Sorry for being super sparatic on the blogs. You'll get that story... right now!
My baby daddy is almost here. In fact he'll probably be here tomorrow... after five months of intense emotions, going back and forth, not really knowing what Olivia (me) wants, I finally had a breakthrough yesterday. I saw they way I could change the world, I saw the way that I am going to change the world, and I'm going for it... and that's when I realized that it was a total choice to keep this child, not something that I had to do. Just as it was a choice for me to go to Florida to be with Micheal, just as it was a choice for me to attempt getting pregnant... I know realize that in me getting pregnant I was wanting to fill the void that the pain body created within me, but rather than filling that void I am in the void, and I'm learning so much about myself and the person that I am and why I do the things I do based on the exposure I got when I was a child and throughout my life. I am learning more and more each day about my intuitive powers, and when left unkept, how they can create chaos and havoc in my life.
You guys have been reading and following on for five months now, and I have finally chosen which crossroads to go down (and i'm beginning to realize that this is one of many more I will face...). When we were in Florida, we met this man who watched me sob all day because my stuff had gotten stolen off the side of the highway, because my dumb ass just thought it would be safe there... Anyway, he let us camp out with him that night, and he good sense my white light, and he performed a ceremony on me with sage. He opened my heart chakra, and I heard the voice of a strict Japanese man, and in his native language he spoke. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but I felt what he was saying, and I could hear the intensity of his voice. It created some sort of protection within me, and for the millionth time in my life I was learning cause and effect, a lesson that I had learned many times before. After that, he brought me back to this reality with the gentle nudge of a weed pipe, and he looked at me and said "you are at your first crossroads". It took me until now to realize what the crossroads truly was, and now I can see.
A crossroads is not one way is right and one way is wrong, it's the power of choice, and where those choices will take you. I am going to be a motivational speaker, and I am going to travel and speak the truths of the universal power and the One life and encourage and motivate people to heal their life; on top of that I am going to be a massage therapist, writer, small business owner, and whatever else comes my way through these four paths that I am laying out for myself. Finally reaching the breakthrough within myself, and today coming to terms with the self-doubt that I carry on my front side, I asked myself "can you see yourself adding mom to that list" and I said no, not right now. I told him today, "what do you think about adoption" and he said, "we'll talk about it when I get there"... a lot better response than what I thought it would be.
This led me to a point where I was hanging out with my mom today and she began talking about all the things she wants to do for my brother (hence the apology for pushing people to change when they are not ready :p), and to make a sort-of long story short, I began to recognize guilt and how that guilt can create two things: First, I think guilt can be good, but in moderation. For instance, guilt is a sign of remorse, and can show that the other person actually has a sense of understanding for how their actions may have portrayed lack of compassion for their feelings. Second, guilt can be a horrible thing if you feel bad for something that happened so many years ago, and if you are holding on to a guilty conscious then you are going to create guilt along with other symptoms of pain wherever you go. I have this on the back of my chest, on the right side, and it's this weight that I'm carrying on, and part of it is this guilt I have for feeling jealous of others. I know that it's wrong to feel jealous, so I feel guilty when I do. But my question right now is how do I NOT feel jealous when someone has something that I want and I don't have it yet? Jealousy can manifest from self doubt, and that self doubt is lack of confidence in my ability to fulfill my destiny, (and let me tell you my destiny is pretty big this lifetime) which is all just fear. Fear seems so fucking real to the ego. It comes up with these excuses, and all they are are just insecurities that I am incapable of growing into the person that is going to fulfill my souls destiny.... but from what I've been reading, all I have to do is want to change, take the necessary steps to change, and then wa-la! I'm there. I'm definitely confident in my ability to change, to overcome my arrogance, jealousy, over-confidence, and abrasiveness... I'm pretty sure my loudness is going to come in hand, and if I let all of those go the loudness will come out in a beautiful way. I can't compare myself to other people, I just have to get in the zone and do it.
I have to write that book.
I have to go to massage therapy school.
I have to start making those healing hoops (btw I order the material today!) and teaching classes
I have to begin working on speeches to prepare for my motivational speaking
These are the ways I am going to start expressing my creative talents, mother is going to be for another time and place (God Willing), and I am going to make some family very happy.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
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