Sometimes, just to be nostolgic, I remember what it feels like to be sad... and I get to the point where I would want to ball my eyes out, and feel absolutely hopeless and without direction, I smile. I smile because the saddness isn't even real anymore, and I can't convince myself that it's real. Within a year I completely transformed my life, with the help of many great healers and guides along the way. I found true authentic self, I have tapped into Christ Consciousness, I have gone home to heaven where my soul resides waiting for me to come back with lessons learned in order to advance further into the infinite life of the universe.
So this saddness card that I play, it's just a reminder for me... something that shows me that I did indeed struggle, I felt that guilt, I felt that anger, I felt that down right "i'm a horrible person" vibe... I used to say it in my head. I could think back to a time when I ate one of my roommates eggs and I cried myself to sleep because he was just screaming at me, and I was just saying in my head "God, Olivia you're such a horrible person, you're such a bitch" even after I offered to buy him a whole another package of eggs... how ridiculous was I to think that I was a horrible person that deserved to be punished because I ate an egg? I can laugh now, and I can forgive and let go.
I can remember how badly I wanted to fit in with the friends that surrounded me last summer, and I remember how uncomfortable I would make myself in order to do that. But I believed that they were the best friends I had ever had, and they were the only friends I was going to have... that fear of loss was eating at me. I remember what it felt like to get that text message from you saying how we were never to speak again, and how I let that hurt me. I remember what it felt like to let you watch me cry when you told me that I was no longer allowed at your apartment, because my self destructive behavior was too out of hand. I remember what it felt like a couple months ago when I got a message from you saying that we were not friends and it was clear that we were never going to be. The funny thing is, the only reason why I would ever reach out to any of you is not because I want to be back as a constant in your life, more so because I know that I wasn't that great of a person, I wasn't my best self, and I accept my faults, and because I did that I have changed, and because I've changed I can come to you with love in my heart regardless of how you feel about me. My tattling mouth may or may not have ruined your relationship, I may have left with your laptop in my hand, I may have stuck my fingers in your spaghetti one morning before work and you caught me... my intentions were always good no matter how bad the action may have seemed at the time, and that's how I know I'm a good person.
The love I have found for myself is not for anybody else, it was for me, Olivia Claire Madlock. I am a human being, and I deserve love just like the rest of you, and I have worked for the love and loyalty that I have earned... and I will continuing working for it. Maybe I owe you an apology, and maybe you owe me one too, for enabling each other's bad behaviors... and for me just being your doormat, allowing you all to talk shit about me behind my back, and then act as if we were best friends at work. I never called you out on your shit because I felt like my shit stank so badly it wouldn't have mattered. The point is this, I wish the best for every single one of you that may or may not have used to been a part of a group we called Team Murder Swag, and hell I LOVE every single one of you and the shit that you have that stinks up the place. Sure I was the butt of the jokes, the one who fucked a lot shit up, but it was never to hurt anyone, and it was never out of hatred... my intentions were always good. This is the first blog that I've written about you all, and I am at peace with everything that has happened.
I was pretending to be someone that I wasn't, and luckily that girl went away and figured out who she really was. I love that girl for doing that, and I love you all for pushing me out of your lives so I could do that. The more and more pregnant I become the more I begin to realize how easy it is to have healthy, honest relationships with people... and how good it feels. I don't take things without asking anymore, I don't take loans without knowing that I can pay them back, and I don't get so drunk on everclear I step on someone's laptop and break them (btw I know you still hate "me", but happy birthday). There are no hard feelings on my side for the unkind words, death threats, and lack of acknowledgement. You all are doing the best you can do, and the great part about it is I'm doing the best I can do too.
So here's to the nights we spent in the lower levels of hell drinking, drugging, listening to Girl Talk, and just being down right ronchy ass motha fuckers with no direction at all. Thank you for helping me grow, thank you for pushing me toward the light even when I didn't want to go. For that I will always love you Team Murder Swag... and there's that.
Until Next Time,