Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Relationship Ramblings

Sometimes I come to my blog with someone in mind and those trapped emotions ready to flow through my finger tips, other times I come to my blog and I want to tell a story but the words haven't quite formed so I am unable to tell the tale I want to. There is something about my writing that I have to feel in order to fully express my being of the moment... and my best pieces come from a place of passion.

I've expressed many things on my blog about the father of my child, mostly rants and raves of his unfortunate characteristics that hold him back from being a man. I have expressed many things about my friends, one in particular, who effects me in a way a lover would. I have expressed about my feelings towards a man who I was dating for a short period of time, his presence effecting my daily life. All three of these relationships that I have had, had something in common with one another... they all bring out this part of me that is not-so-healthy.

Micheal: The Baby Daddy 
Really, probably the first person in this embodiment that I have loved in a romantic, intimate way. It all happened so fast; one day we were just meeting each other in California, the next day I was having his baby... what the fuck just happened here? I can't help but wonder how the stars had to be aligned in order for us two individuals to meet, fall in love, and make one individual. It's like I have the best of him sitting next to me in the embodiment of this little girl, who is precious and adorable and wonderful. But how did Micheal not get this far with me? Alright, so if you have read any of my blogs from the past you can tell by the way I speak of Micheal that he has not made... well he has not made any good choices for his life; in fact I was probably the best choice he ever made. You see Micheal represents (to me) my rebellious side; the girl inside of me that wanted to say "fuck you society, fuck you court system, fuck you everyone" yeah that's what Micheal represents. That's who I was when I met him... (un)fortunately that MO didn't work out too well for me, and I ended up having to change.... I didn't realize that Micheal was STUCK, and has been stuck in a lifestyle for the past 16 years and there probably wasn't any chance of him ever changing... The heart ache I felt when I realized that the man I was in love with and having a baby with was never going to change hurt more than I could imagine heart break hurting... and although it doesn't hurt anymore, I still feel this lingering air of hoping that he will call me and say "hey, I love you, I want to change my lifestyle, I want to find out my purpose/role in society...." but it's too late for that, and besides if he didn't want to change the way he lived for himself, why would he want to change for Iris and I? The truth of the matter is, although he and I rocked each other's world, and shared a feeling of ecstasy for one another, our relationship was based on lies of one another, and the foundation fell apart quickly. Thank you for the beautiful daughter, you're not healthy for me, so I'll be on my way.

Kalika: The Best Friend 
I love this girl more than life, I have cried tears of pure unconditional love for her, and if I think hard enough about it I could muster up the tears to do it right now. She enabled a lot of my bad habits at first, until the day we said no more and rebelled against it all.... there is so much karma in this relationship, so much love, so much hate, there is just SO much to who Kalika and I are, who Kalika and I have been, and when she tries to pretend that she doesn't care I don't believe her because I can tell in her heart that her "hate" for me, is her "hate" for herself. We know too much about the other, so much that we can tell what the other is supposed to be focusing on and learning... and instead of supporting the other with compassion and understanding, we (and by we I mean she) find(s) a way to make it as though the said bad habit/action is being done to the other on purpose, thus causing distrust, havoc, and chaos in the relationship. I couldn't tell you how many times in the past two years that I have been best friends with Kalika, then we hang out, then we aren't friends for a while, then we are friends again after much needed space to learn how to express our creative selves in a healthy way.... the unfortunate part of all of this is that when we finish one obstacle, another is shoved in our face, and the cycle repeats itself. How can this be? I just want my best friend and I to get along. I want to relate to her in a way that we can actually enjoy each other's company rather than hate on each other's flaws. Anger needs compassion.

Gabriel: The Fuddy 
It started off like Pretty Woman; you know the part where they go to the polo match... yeah that was my life for a second. I had the guy, and we went on the field and we did the duggets, and we looked at the horses, and we kissed in my room when we got home. It was super cute, it was what I needed for the time... that rebound from Micheal was definitely what I needed. Then I started moving things along quickly; I was about to have a baby, I needed to know if he was going to get serious with me... I needed it to be one way or the other, I couldn't do the whole in between. He brought out my anxiety which turned into my jealousy which turned into my over emotional expression of my feelings of rejection. I am beginning to think I created it all in my head with my thoughts.... and I mean, I totally did. I felt like he was a drug, something that I couldn't get enough of... but I knew if I had it all the time I would easily get bored with it. We had a few things in common, but there was a whole lot we didn't have in common. He liked to carry a gun, and I'm definitely not about that life. It ended for the best, and it was a short lived fantasy... Fear of rejection caused me to pick a person who was not compatible for me. I am beginning to believe that I can be accepted for who I am, and the person who I would be most compatible with, most balanced with, will accept me once I accept me.

Why do I talk about these relationships? Because  last night I found myself yearning for all three of these people...

Micheal had called, and the rush of hormones sent me into a love spell once more, and I couldn't say anything to him accept "you're not healthy for me".

 Kalika stays on my mind, we are very in tune with one another's energy, and there are times when I want to call and tell her how baby Iris and I are doing, and there are times when I cry because I miss her so much. We let our egos get in the way of the reality that we are both two very amazing human beings on our path, creating love and light whereever, however we go. I hope she finds her way back to me, because in my heart I will never leave her side.

Gabriel still crosses my mind.... I told him I could love him, and I probably could have, but I'm happy I didn't try. I wasn't ready to bring much compassion to that relationship, we would have ended up fighting and making one another feel rejected and miserable. I think I just liked the fact that he was super into me... he was calling me and texting me and was chasing ME. He was accepting me, and then I let my jealous/possessive ego come out to play and attempted to make it a reality, and that's when he was rejecting me. I would reject someone like that too... nobody wants a jealous, possessive partner.... FUCK I don't want a jealous, possessive partner. I think he impacted me because he allowed me to see my dark side in the light of it all.

I wanted to shame myself for not being able to go out on new year's eve, not having someone to kiss at midnight, not getting drunk with my friends. I wanted to shame myself for staying at home and going to bed before midnight because I have a new born baby and I'm tired all the time. I wanted to shame myself for not being a sufficient partner to any of these people, I wanted to make it my fault that our relationship has failed/is failing. I didn't do that though. I told myself to stop.

I have come to realize in the years of my life that sometimes what everyone else is doing is NOT what I need to be doing. My birth chart said I have an internal battle between my wants and needs, and this is a prime example. I WANT to be with Micheal, but I need to stop rebelling against the system and go on with my life because that's what I came down here to do. I WANT to be hanging out with Kalika, but I need to grow up (something that she is not necessarily doing right now), not take so many risks with myself, and care for my life. I WANT to hang out with Gabriel, but I need to be focusing on accepting all of myself so the right man will come my way. This battle in these three relationships has to come to an end if I am to ever reach my goal of having a healthy, balanced, intimate, romantic long term relationship with someone.

It's the first day of the year, my 23rd birthday is in 28 days, and I am a mama now. My resolution is to continue on my path of becoming closer to who I truly am each and every day, perform my daily tasks with ease and a heart of gold, and learn how to have a healthy, intimate romantic relationship with a man. I can do all these things because I have a say in who I am, who I am becoming, and who I will be.

Until Next Time,


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