Sunday, November 11, 2012

I wanted you

I wanted you from the moment I saw you.

It was instant attraction, I wanted to take your clothes off right then and there, and just fuck the shit out of you, and that be that. I couldn’t wrap my head around how that would happen, or if that was even possible. I felt so ugly, gross, and unattractive. I didn’t even KNOW how you and your bad self could be attracted to me. There were the little things that made me feel hopeful. When we would sleep in the bed next to each other, when we would cuddle in the bed together, when we would get close and all. When we would kiss, when we would just be physically touching.

I told myself it could never happen. I told myself that you didn’t want me, if you did you would have tried. I told myself that you weren’t attracted to girls like me based on your track record. I told myself that I was too sensitive to just have sex with you; we were too good of friends to do that. I made ALL of the excuses in the book. Finally when I was ready to have sex with you, when I REALIZED that I could ACTUALLY have sex with you, it was too late. We were at the end of the friendship. It was done, we were done. We had grown apart. I thought maybe if we had sex at that point, it’d bring us back together, I thought that it would bond us again. I was desperate. I didn’t understand why you were leaving me. i couldn’t wrap my head around why you were abandoning me. I didn’t know, I couldn’t stop myself from texting knowing that you would ignore me, i couldn’t stop myself from thinking about you, masturbating the thought of what you were doing, wondering why we weren’t friends anymore. I still can’t. I still don’t want to.

So here I am. I have this guilt for coming to California for imagining seeing you again, imagining fucking you so it’ll bring us back to the place where we started. So I can fulfill that fantasy of us having children together, of us building a home together and being presidential together. It’s funny because I asked for it, and I feel guilty for asking for that… but there in my soul I actually KNOW that is going to happen, because it is SUPPOSED to happen. Because I still want it to happen. I don’t have to focus on it anymore though, I don’t have to think about you now, or ever really. Because WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT you’ll be back in my life again. I can just let you go. I can let that guilt go, I can let that guilt of loving you unconditionally go. It’s just fear that you don’t love me back. It’s just fear that I’m not the person you want. But I’m the person I want. I want to have amazing sex with you. I will. I know I will. I want to have amazing sex with a lot of people. a part of me letting go of that emotional attachment is me letting go of the idea that “I will be yours forever” because really I don’t want to be anybody’s forever.

I have done SUCH a good job dealing with those emotions today, and I can just let it go. <3

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