Sunday, November 11, 2012

I'm mad at you

I’m mad at you.

I’m mad at you for deserting me; for telling me that i have to do this all on my own, for telling me that you were mad at me, and that you had to get it out in your own home. I’m mad at you for making me feel abandoned. I’m mad at you for making me feel weak in my emotions, like i’m not good enough. I’m mad at you for making me feel like i’m not enough; that i did something wrong, and i’m being punished. I have nobody to share my thoughts with now, except me. I have nobody to say “i want to tell you what i did today”
I have nobody to cry to when I feel sad. I only have me now.

I’m mad at me. I’m mad at me for wanting to run away from me, for wanting to blame what I’m feeling on you. I’m mad at me for thinking that we can’t talk anymore. I’m mad at me for thinking that we aren’t friends anymore. I’m mad at me for being so dramatic about all of this. I’m mad at me for feeling alone. I’m mad at me for deserting myself. I’m mad at me for WANTING you to come back. I’m mad at me for telling myself that I’m okay, but in actuality I’m not at all. I am mad at me for stabbing desperately every chance I get to talk to you, even though I know that you’re done with me. I’m mad at me for thinking that I’m not capable of letting go. I’m mad at me for holding on to you, grasping at the bit, to constrain you back in my realm of reality. I am mad at me for making that voice in my head that tells me i’m amazing, that tells me that i am wonderful, and loving and beautiful and free, your voice; when reality I want it to be me.

I want to love and accept ALL of myself just as much as you do. I am very good at convincing myself that I’ve already done that; my ego is strong, she is bullheaded, she pushes through shit, and just says “i do accept myself fully” when in fact she is just saying that out of fear. She knows that she doesn’t. She is still SO afraid that not all of her dreams are going to come true, that her writing isn’t good enough, she is SO afraid of what she is going to show to the world, it’s not going to be good enough. She is SO afraid to focus on the goal, finish, and prosper. She is so afraid of actually succeeding, she actually just brings up old road blocks that she let go in order to hold herself back; and by doing that she is fearing the future once more. She is afraid that what she is doing isn’t enough. She is afraid that she is not enough for herself; she is afraid that her emotions are so heavy that she is not capable of supporting her own emotions. She is afraid to take responsibility for her emotions, understand them, accept them, and let them go. Why? Why is she so fearful? Because she feels like she doesn’t deserve this amazing reality her soul created for herself. She feels like if she let’s go of some HEAVY baggage that ways her down, she’ll change forever, and she doesn’t like change. She is afraid of the success she has created for herself, she is afraid that the success will change her, into an evil person; someone who “forgets” about the little people. She wants to get down to the bottom of it, she wants to be SHOWN how successful she is going to be. SHE wants to actually BELIEVE that she is going to be successful; that she doesn’t have to try and find a place within society; she wants to know that her plan is working; she wants to know that her book is going to be a best seller; she wants to believe herself when she thinks that… is she enough though? She knows though, she knows the secret to life. It all starts with you. She knows that if she 100% BELIEVES something then of course it’s going to come true. She knows that her mom, Mother Earth, is supporting her in all of her causes.
She wants to change her diet. She has a tendency to trick herself into think meat, cheese, and bread is all she needs, when in reality she functions much better on fruit, vegetables, and nuts. She wants to let go of lying to herself just to make herself feel protected.

I accept me. I accept all of me

1. the trusting one; the one that 100% believes in me all of the time; the one that is ALWAYS there even when I’m not conscious of it.

2. the doubter; the one that doubts it’s going to happen, but STILL believes in me

3. the guilty one; the one that feels bad for not doing what other people die, but STILL believes in me

4. the runner; the one that sprints away from emotions, even though she knows they’re going to catch up to her sooner or later, so why not sooner, but STILL believes in me.

5. the angry one; the one that gets so mad when other people doubt her, especially her family, BUT still believes in me

6. the traveler the one on a journey always searching for the next enlightenment, the next lesson, the next fix and ALWAYS believes in m e

7. the fearful one; the one who is SO afraid of what people will think of her, what the spirit world wants to do with her, how she is going to die, BUT still believes in me

8. the emotional one; the one who feels everything, and deep down at the core, wants to be accepted the most, but STILL believes in me

9. the impatient one; the one who wants everything to happen now, who wants to see it now, who wants to be happy ALL OF THE TIME and never feel any other emotion, but STILL believes in me

10. the perfectionist; the one that wants to be perfect ALL of the time; the one that wants to be accepted by all, the one that wants to show the world how amazingly awesome she is. She allows herself to be beaten down quite frequently by her other voices, but overall she STILL believes in me

11. the body; the one who brings pain into my reality quite frequently, grasping my attention and telling me “hey, listen to your emotions” and ALWAYS believes in me

12. the patient one; the one who tells me to calm down, and that i am at the right place at the right time; that i am only 21 and everything is fine, and ALWAYS believes in me.
Let me tell you something girl, I believe in you, I accept you, I am all of you all the time. I love you. I love all of you. You are amazingly wonderful. You are exactly where you need to be in this lifetime, and even though you feel as though too much is going on at once, you have control over your mind. you have control over your emotions. you have control over your body. I choose to take responsibility for my life. MY LIFE. Not her life, MY LIFE. I, right here, right now, am choosing to release all these fearful emotions, and I right here, right now, am choosing to continue forward in my life. Mother Earth supports me, she is my home, my mother, my power, and i love her. I am her. I am me. I love me, I accept my power and good. I am at peace.

I’m in love with you.

I’m in love with me.

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