Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Angsty and Restless

It's been three days since I've been home- well scratch that, five days, but same difference. I'm fucking restless.
The meditation and yoga first thing in the morning has been nice, and studying my intuition has been a great help to knowing where I need to go. I'm done though. I'm done dealing with my mother's immaturity.
You guys will laugh. I go to her house yesterday, just to- go see her. I had gotten some stuff done, and was walking around downtown (met some cool kids from Humboldt Co. and a 30 year old train hopper, she wasn't crusty either) when I decided to take the two mile walk to her house. I get there, and instantly when I walk in she says "Didn't Matt tell you NOT to come here, what the fuck is going on?" Having been yelled at most of my life I was used to her screaming tactics, and just said "Yeah, he didn't. I'm here now. Can you feed me, I'm hungry" Of course her seven sensitive dogs wouldn't stop jumping on me, I knocked them down with my hand... why was she so fucking angry all the time? I mean, I could tell you guys the root of the problem, AND she even knows the root of the problem, but refuses to fix it. She screamed "I'm fucking cooking right now, just get out of my space" I went out on the porch and sat. "Breathe" I said. I took a deep breath. My ultimate goal at all times is ALWAYS peace. She stomped outside, "here eat this bread, peanut butter and jelly" I knew that wasn't all she had, but she didn't want to share. The thing about my mom is that she never learned how to let go of all her past issues, and she has now created a prison within her mind full of sorrow, anger, irritation, and TONS of limitations... rarely does she allow something good to happen to her in her reality... it's sad for me to watch. It's even more sad for me to think that her family created a monster as such, and that I came from that monster's vagina.
I went inside the room and sat down "just stay in there and when I'm done you can come out" I shook my head while I made my sandwich. I had just walked six miles, I needed nourishment. I'm not in jail, she can't tell me where I'm "banished" to, I'll just fucking leave. I thought as I twisted the caps on the PB&J. I handed her her stuff, and filled up the water bottle partially. "OLIVIA WHERE ARE YOU GOING COME BACK I NEED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, HOLD ON, PLEASEEE" I kept walking, as I always do. You can't treat people like shit and expect them to stay around, (a lesson I learned the hard way, but am now very considerate of my friendships and lovers) I got to the gate and turned around. My anger took over me, I threw the water bottle at her "Let me know when my REAL mother comes back, I don't know who this crazy bitch is".
I walked two more miles to a friends house. I dodged the guilt trip I wanted to run on myself, I threw it out the window. It was no longer needed. My mother is her own person, (i forgot to mention that I took some of her leggings because I needed clothes to wear, and she attempted to run after me, tell me those were all the CLOTHES she had, and wrestle me for them) and the reality she creates for herself I am no longer a part of. She's gone completely bilistic, and as sad as it is for me to know that I'm going to have to do this, but this is my goodbye tour to my mother.
Apparently we're going on the Judge Mathis Show, she's suing me for the money she spent on a house she helped me rent in Atlanta, GA... after we get paid for this, I'm done. I'm done playing this reality with her. I feel like I have a debt of gratitude to pay to her, so I can move forward... maybe I'm the only one holding me back. Massage School starts in August, Praise God, and school is paid for freely (no loans), I get my certification in August of 2014, and I'm jet setting to another country. By then all of my messes will be cleaned up, and I can move forward. The people I'm surrounded by, they're all into doing shiesty shit to get what they want; they don't tell the truth at all. I lost a potential beautiful relationship because of my dishonest ways, I've learned how to play the game in a honest manner, and I know that the reward is much better than instant gratification. The only thing I truly need in this moment in time is a relationship with God/My Higher Self, and I have that. I know the rest will come once I have let go of all the old limitations I have put on myself. I am patient. I am gentle. I am loving. I am caring. I am kind. I am beautiful. I am needed in this world. When the time is right God will use me as his instrument to do the things that I want to do. Until then, I'll just sit here "restlessly" and wait patiently.
Until Next Time,

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