Friday, April 19, 2013

The Sadness

Break ups.
It doesn't matter who you are, how many breaks up you've been through, I can say with confidence that break ups hurt. I've only been in one serious relationship in my life, and I've broken up with that person two times. The first time I was in San Rafeal, CA and he told me I needed to go home, and I didn't want to. I remember him running (litterally) away from me, and me just saying "fuck it". I walked to the greyhound bus station and got on the bus. For the first two hours I didn't think much about him, it wasn't until I got on the bus and I had my headphones in (playing Breathe Me by Sia) did the river of tears start flowing down my face. It had taken me that time to realize what I had had and what I had just lost because I was allowing my emotions to ruin my beautiful relationship with a beautiful man. The tears were from a deep place inside of me, a place I hadn't known existed. I wasn't crying because I had lost love, love is always in my heart, I was crying because I had just lost an amazing person to share my life with.
I was excited when we got back together, and the first day I was in Florida was great. We drank wine with a friend, and held each other in embrace. Our lips touched, and the passionate energy tickled me. It was love. It was pure love, it was pure unconditional love. He supported me in my efforts to surrender to the divine power, telling me "it's okay to jump in the lake, you're safe". I took off all of my clothes, and trusted Micheal wouldn't let anything bad happen. I dove in, instantly popped back up and swam back to shore. He was there, he was right there waiting for me.
We laughed. We laughed all of the time. "It helps my elbows" our inside joke would be said over and over throughout the day. He let me cry and yell and scream and let go of all of the bullshit emotions that I was fed; there's noone to blame. we are all just victims of victims. His frustration started overflowing when I realized that I needed to go home; I had a plan for him to come with me, but I created him not coming... some things must be done alone?
I didn't cry when we broke up this time, I didn't even try to run after him. I just walked on the highway like a solider, knowing that I just needed to get home. Last night my good friends gave me a valium so I could calm down; I slept on the way so I wouldn't think about what had just happened.
I cried today. I cried hard. When I realized that he wasn't here anymore. Sobbing, "I'm sorry I lied to you" as the hot tears ran down my face. Forgiving myself, surrendering to the pain in my heart.
Love never leaves you, but this is a once in a lifetime chance to get to experience life in this Time and Space, and if you're lucky you'll find someone on the same page as you to share it with. He wanted a life partner, and so did I. I cry because he's not here to watch me cry, I cry because the sun isn't shining as bright as I might like it to, I cry because I realize that the unconditional love I had with my amazing partner was a very special thing, and my bad habits got in the way. I miss the way he smells, I miss the way he holds his breath when he's cold, I miss the way he smiles at me, I miss the way he makes love to me. I miss him. How do you gain the trust back of someone you love? Let it go. That's what they all say, right? If you love it let it go. I love you Micheal, so I'm going to let you go.
Until next time,

No comments:

Post a Comment