Coming into my last trimester of this long transformational journey of being pregnant, I am starting to realize the amount of things that I am going to have to change about my lifestyle in order to provide the best possible life for my little girl...
and i am scared as fuck.
Did I really sign up for this? Am I really even ready for this? I mean, okay so I know I can do it, and I know it has been done by girls who are younger than me, and 22 is a pretty normal age to start popping out babies... but when I think about the way I live, and I think about the things I've done, I realize HOW MUCH THIS IS ABOUT TO CHANGE ME. And change is not a bad thing, it's not a bad thing at all. I am ready for the crying, and the changing of diapers, and the watching her sleep, and the making sure she has a person that I trust watch her while I finish massage school... but I don't know if my brain is ready to start thinking about this little human 24/7, at all times.
but i am really excited.
When I think about her actually being here, and me holding her, and telling her that she is safe and loved, and watching her grow, and putting clothes on her, and doing her hair, and cooking dinner for her, and making sure she drinks enough water, and breast feeding... all those things that come with being a mother really excite me. I think about when she is 2 or 3 or 4 and how she is going to start talking like me.... ahpwearuiawieourpewoiruawpeoriuewpoqiru.dvjkhadklpg!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY REALITY RIGHT NOW! I, Olivia Claire Madlock, former party diva, homeless living, acid tripping, bonnaroo going crazy hippie chick, am going to be a mom!! A MOTHER. what.the.fuck. She is going to be here in three months. I'm going to push a baby out of my vagina?!?!??!?!?! I'm going to raise my baby alone, without her father around?!?!??!?! I have no idea, absolutely no fucking idea, what to except. I am litterally just hoping and praying that I am going to have all the help I need, I'm going to take care of myself in the way that I need to be taken care of, and I'm going to take care of her in the way that she needs to be taken care of.
Its really not a matter of "am I going to do this" anymore, the decision has been made for me, and was made far and long ago... this is the path my soul chose. My daughter and I are going to share a crazy cool bond, and I know when she rebels as a teenager, just as I did, I will do the best I can to just make sure she is safe. I don't want to spank her, I don't want to yell at her, I really just want to love her, and give her disicpline in loving ways. This is my journey. This is my journey as a parent. It doesn't matter if anybody else thinks I'll be good at it or not, and my intentions are nothing but pure. I vow to always provide a peaceful, loving enviornment for Iris, I vow to always provide stability, I vow to always provide her basic needs, and I am going to do the best I can do to teach her the things that she needs to know about herself, and about the world so she can go out there and be amazing. I vow to let her know that it is okay to express emotions, and it is okay to cry, and when you cry that means it's gone forever, and God's light will fill you back up with unconditional love. I will let her know the truth about me, I will share the truths I know about the universe, I will allow her to be her true authentic self, never trying to change her, giving her freedom to create. I will teach her the boundaries (even though she will know from the beginning that she is a limitless being) of the Earth plane, and she will know to respect them. I will teach her to challenge her peers in a healthy way, and I will teach her how to stand up for what she believes in because the time is always now to spread the light... THE TIME IS ALWAYS NOW TO SPREAD THE LIGHT.
Iris Athena Madlock come Decemeber (insert date here) 2013, you will come into this world, and I will laugh, cry, and feel the ultimate rush of hormones release from my body when you are born. You will know your grandma and you will even know your grandpa, you will know your dad and his side of the family too. So many people love you, and even though you already know me as your mom, I promise you Iris, I will be more than a mom, I will be a friend too.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
late night healing is good for the soul
I've come to the realization that it's not even the fact that my mother wasn't there for me when I was a child, it was that she didn't take care of herself well enough to provide for my emotional needs for me when I was a teenager causing havoc and chaos in the home up until I left for college. I have a huge scar on my heart from the amount of times I was called a bitch, whore, cunt, motherfucker. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of calling her all those names too, and she probably hurts to know that her daughter has so much beef with her, but this stops now.
I forgive my mother for being insufficient to my needs later in life. I know that she was not taught the best way to deal with her emotions either; if she was even taught at all. This is not just a problem in my family, it is a problem in the world. I know that there are many parents out there that were not taught how to take care of themselves, and went on to raise children, and did the best that they could to take care of another life. I realized how important it is for me to be fully committed to my total health not only for my well being but also for the life that I am bringing into the world. It is my duty as a mother to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. That means meditating, doing yoga, writing about my feelings, being honest with myself, and just fully overcoming the anxiety and worry that I allow to manifest in my life. If I can help it Iris will be armed with the BEST tools to deal with her life, and hopefully one day she will say that I was a great example of how to live and base her model on me. I saw that my mom's life was NOT the best way to do it, and I had to go out and find my own way. I don't hold a grudge for that, but I know that I can do a much better job with my daughter. I know that I can truly give her what she needs as long as I truly give myself what I need.
I want to find out my true dietary needs, I want to discover what it takes to truly heal my emotions, I want to live in a miraculous world where even in times of chaos I am able to stand tall as the wall of water washes over me and know that everything is going to be okay. I want to get over the emotional issues I have with my mother, with women. I want to get over the emotional issues I have my father, with men. It's NOT worth it to me to carry on the pain of what they may or may not have taught me. It's not worth it to me to carry on the guilt I feel for being a bratty teenager. It's just not worth it anymore. I want to feel abundant, and use the abundance of knowledge that I have to make my life, to make my daughter's life, better.
If there is anything I can do for Iris I know it's that I can be totally and completely honest with her about things that have happened in my life, in her father's life (from what I know), and our relationship that we had. She will know that she was loved by both of us, and she will know that it was never her fault. I will be more sensitive to her needs, because I am more sensitive to my needs. This is my promise to myself. This is my promise to my daughter. This is my promise to life. I chose to learn this way this lifetime, and I am so thankful for the gift that I have. Whatever it takes for me to feel on top of my game at all times I will do. Society asks us to bring out the best in ourselves for the sake of us and others. I am probably going to be tired at school, but I know that I'm going to make it through. I would have rather woken up and gotten this out than laid in bed tossing and turning, antagonizing myself over how I need to feel guilty for not inviting my mom to a party, for "dropping the ball" with Micheal... because that's nothing to feel guilty over. I'm still learning, and the great part is I'm wise enough to actually learn from my mistakes and apply spirituality to the emotions so I can heal this shit. It's not worth it to carry around the restraints of guilt, and I know that nobody wants me to feel bad about myself. Learning how to communicate my feelings properly and effectively to my mother, to women, to others will be a lesson learned. I understand the seriousness of life, and the power of choice and what we can do with it. I understand how important it is to portray my true authentic self to the world, otherwise I will be criticized for my actions. I appreciate my ability to learn this at a young age of 22 so I set in the habits now.
I am aware of what I need to do in order to live up to the high expectations society and others hold to me, the high expectations I have for myself. I can do this. I can be my best self. I am my best self. I can manifest my best self.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
I forgive my mother for being insufficient to my needs later in life. I know that she was not taught the best way to deal with her emotions either; if she was even taught at all. This is not just a problem in my family, it is a problem in the world. I know that there are many parents out there that were not taught how to take care of themselves, and went on to raise children, and did the best that they could to take care of another life. I realized how important it is for me to be fully committed to my total health not only for my well being but also for the life that I am bringing into the world. It is my duty as a mother to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. That means meditating, doing yoga, writing about my feelings, being honest with myself, and just fully overcoming the anxiety and worry that I allow to manifest in my life. If I can help it Iris will be armed with the BEST tools to deal with her life, and hopefully one day she will say that I was a great example of how to live and base her model on me. I saw that my mom's life was NOT the best way to do it, and I had to go out and find my own way. I don't hold a grudge for that, but I know that I can do a much better job with my daughter. I know that I can truly give her what she needs as long as I truly give myself what I need.
I want to find out my true dietary needs, I want to discover what it takes to truly heal my emotions, I want to live in a miraculous world where even in times of chaos I am able to stand tall as the wall of water washes over me and know that everything is going to be okay. I want to get over the emotional issues I have with my mother, with women. I want to get over the emotional issues I have my father, with men. It's NOT worth it to me to carry on the pain of what they may or may not have taught me. It's not worth it to me to carry on the guilt I feel for being a bratty teenager. It's just not worth it anymore. I want to feel abundant, and use the abundance of knowledge that I have to make my life, to make my daughter's life, better.
If there is anything I can do for Iris I know it's that I can be totally and completely honest with her about things that have happened in my life, in her father's life (from what I know), and our relationship that we had. She will know that she was loved by both of us, and she will know that it was never her fault. I will be more sensitive to her needs, because I am more sensitive to my needs. This is my promise to myself. This is my promise to my daughter. This is my promise to life. I chose to learn this way this lifetime, and I am so thankful for the gift that I have. Whatever it takes for me to feel on top of my game at all times I will do. Society asks us to bring out the best in ourselves for the sake of us and others. I am probably going to be tired at school, but I know that I'm going to make it through. I would have rather woken up and gotten this out than laid in bed tossing and turning, antagonizing myself over how I need to feel guilty for not inviting my mom to a party, for "dropping the ball" with Micheal... because that's nothing to feel guilty over. I'm still learning, and the great part is I'm wise enough to actually learn from my mistakes and apply spirituality to the emotions so I can heal this shit. It's not worth it to carry around the restraints of guilt, and I know that nobody wants me to feel bad about myself. Learning how to communicate my feelings properly and effectively to my mother, to women, to others will be a lesson learned. I understand the seriousness of life, and the power of choice and what we can do with it. I understand how important it is to portray my true authentic self to the world, otherwise I will be criticized for my actions. I appreciate my ability to learn this at a young age of 22 so I set in the habits now.
I am aware of what I need to do in order to live up to the high expectations society and others hold to me, the high expectations I have for myself. I can do this. I can be my best self. I am my best self. I can manifest my best self.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Friday, August 30, 2013
Update
Due to the fact that I know myself well enough to know that I am incapable of dealing with loss in an emotionally balanced way I have decided to keep my daughter. I didn't realize that the loss and pain that I was going to put myself through would be so intense. I had a glimpse of this pain on Monday night after my first (awesome) day of massage school. I went home and imagined not being pregnant anymore, and missing my daughter so much for just not being in my belly... that brought on the tears. Then when I realized that the decision I was making, to give my baby away to people that I didn't have any idea about except a book, was going to effect me more negatively, cause me so much more pain, than it would help me. I realized that it would be MUCH easier for me to change the few things about my already "broken" self and make them better because I would have a reason to make them better, than it would for me to deal with the mass emotional pain adoption causes.
Her name is going to be Iris Athena. Iris is the Greek Goddess that brings heaven and earth closer together. She travels between the underworld, earth, and heaven by rainbow. Athena is the Greek Goddess of wisdom. The initials of her name are going to be IAM, representing the I AM presence of God. <3 <3 <3
Massage therapy school has started and I know that I am totally on the right path; I already love the profession I am going into. It has allowed me to truly focus on the light within me, which feels great. I feel the balance kicking in, and although I can no longer enjoy the refer (R.I.P. Mary Jane) I am still willing to explore the darkness.... I think it's kind of a good thing though, that I can't smoke weed. I tend to get lost in the darkness, and when I get lost I want to get as far away from this world as possible. I have to stay the true course that my soul came down here to work.
In school, we keep referring to Jesus; our teacher says that we're not healers, we're not Jesus. My instant reaction is "we're not Jesus... yet". There is an opportunity for all of us to become as powerful a healer as Jesus, and of course you have to be chosen to do that, but in the bible it did say something or other about how "I and my Father are One", which to me represents that God exists within me and I have the chance to become Him fully manifested. More and more keeps making sense to me, but it is not fully ready to be shared... and I know how important it is not to push the creative process within. Massage is definitely going to help me release a lot of emotional pain that I carry around... being touched every day is really nice. It's like I'm going to be training my hands to find the pain, and pull it out to the best of my ability. It truly is a spiritual thing, massage. Almost everyone in my class has some sort of understanding of God.... and the great part is they are all open to learning more. I've just begun walking down a great path, and I can't wait to see where it takes me.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Her name is going to be Iris Athena. Iris is the Greek Goddess that brings heaven and earth closer together. She travels between the underworld, earth, and heaven by rainbow. Athena is the Greek Goddess of wisdom. The initials of her name are going to be IAM, representing the I AM presence of God. <3 <3 <3
Massage therapy school has started and I know that I am totally on the right path; I already love the profession I am going into. It has allowed me to truly focus on the light within me, which feels great. I feel the balance kicking in, and although I can no longer enjoy the refer (R.I.P. Mary Jane) I am still willing to explore the darkness.... I think it's kind of a good thing though, that I can't smoke weed. I tend to get lost in the darkness, and when I get lost I want to get as far away from this world as possible. I have to stay the true course that my soul came down here to work.
In school, we keep referring to Jesus; our teacher says that we're not healers, we're not Jesus. My instant reaction is "we're not Jesus... yet". There is an opportunity for all of us to become as powerful a healer as Jesus, and of course you have to be chosen to do that, but in the bible it did say something or other about how "I and my Father are One", which to me represents that God exists within me and I have the chance to become Him fully manifested. More and more keeps making sense to me, but it is not fully ready to be shared... and I know how important it is not to push the creative process within. Massage is definitely going to help me release a lot of emotional pain that I carry around... being touched every day is really nice. It's like I'm going to be training my hands to find the pain, and pull it out to the best of my ability. It truly is a spiritual thing, massage. Almost everyone in my class has some sort of understanding of God.... and the great part is they are all open to learning more. I've just begun walking down a great path, and I can't wait to see where it takes me.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
taking the necessary actions
Discombobulated is the word that comes to mind right now. Lack of inner peace. Struggling through my fears, approaching the surface, and breaking through the pain to see the light. I get criticized so much, day in and day out. Why do I subject myself to such things? Positive criticism is good, and I have friends that I do that with. There are friends that criticize me based on the actions that I portray to them, and then there are friends that criticize me based on the decisions that I have made for my life.
This morning I was told that it was wrong of me to give my baby up for adoption, in fact it was selfish. When I get overwhelmed with emotions I know that I am not being my true authentic self, and I know that my intuition is not functioning properly. It is very important for my intuition to be aligned with the true authenticity of my self or else I will lead myself astray. When I try to cater to others' emotional issues, forgetting that I am a sensitive being that feels much more than the average person. I feel so much that it causes me physical pain, sometimes so much that I have to lay down until it passes through. I evoke the emotional pain through my strong arrogant human nature sometimes; lack of willingness to back down, listening to others and giving them credit where it is not due.
I want to be emotionally healed so I can heal others emotionally as well. I want to feel as though I have a sense of belonging in the world, isn't that what everyone is searching for? Are your criticisms actually helping me? Are your intentions to hurt me when you say those things to me? We, as humans, play emotional games with one another. We create these scenarios within our minds, and act them out through our intuition. There must be a better way to relate to one another, and I know that I have seen another way for people to live. I want to get to that level of financial, emotional, and overall inner peace where I am just there and I know that it is okay. I want to be completely honest with myself and release all unnecessary actions that portray my character as something other than what I truly am, or can be. I want to let go of the things that are not meant for me.
I find such difficulty in actually wanting to live a financially stable life, because I'm so used to not being stable in that way. I'm so used to getting free food from the church, and eating unhealthy because that's all I can afford, but my spirit desires something better for me... I desire something better for me. I have to go what's emotionally grained in me, I have to re-write my sacral chakra, and I have to be confident in my skills to budget, my skills to make money and be a professional, my skills to take responsibility for the debts I have created and pay them off. I have to know how to save money (something that I have never done before) and I have to know how to ultimately manage my money in a responsible way. I can't just go out and blow money on things that I want in the moment, I have to say it for things that I will get me to that place of peace, that place where I want to go. The scariest/stressful part is that I have to make enough money to do all the things that I want to do. I can't live this way anymore. I'm done being impoverished. I choose to tap into the abundance that exists within me. I choose to manifest my true, responsible being... I choose to be mature.
I guess the first step is admitting to the bad habits that I have. I blow money on weed, eating out, etc. when what I really want to be doing is saving that money to move to California. I write out a budget but then I don't stick to it. I borrow money, with no intention of paying it back and just allowing the debt to occur. I don't take into account the necessary expenses, and always end up cheating myself and not nourishing myself in the way that I had planned. The way I handle my money is immature, irresponsible, and downright horrible. I have to fix this part of me. It's not something that can be changed overnight, and I definitely am willing to do the work to get where I need to be. The journey has just begun.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
This morning I was told that it was wrong of me to give my baby up for adoption, in fact it was selfish. When I get overwhelmed with emotions I know that I am not being my true authentic self, and I know that my intuition is not functioning properly. It is very important for my intuition to be aligned with the true authenticity of my self or else I will lead myself astray. When I try to cater to others' emotional issues, forgetting that I am a sensitive being that feels much more than the average person. I feel so much that it causes me physical pain, sometimes so much that I have to lay down until it passes through. I evoke the emotional pain through my strong arrogant human nature sometimes; lack of willingness to back down, listening to others and giving them credit where it is not due.
I want to be emotionally healed so I can heal others emotionally as well. I want to feel as though I have a sense of belonging in the world, isn't that what everyone is searching for? Are your criticisms actually helping me? Are your intentions to hurt me when you say those things to me? We, as humans, play emotional games with one another. We create these scenarios within our minds, and act them out through our intuition. There must be a better way to relate to one another, and I know that I have seen another way for people to live. I want to get to that level of financial, emotional, and overall inner peace where I am just there and I know that it is okay. I want to be completely honest with myself and release all unnecessary actions that portray my character as something other than what I truly am, or can be. I want to let go of the things that are not meant for me.
I find such difficulty in actually wanting to live a financially stable life, because I'm so used to not being stable in that way. I'm so used to getting free food from the church, and eating unhealthy because that's all I can afford, but my spirit desires something better for me... I desire something better for me. I have to go what's emotionally grained in me, I have to re-write my sacral chakra, and I have to be confident in my skills to budget, my skills to make money and be a professional, my skills to take responsibility for the debts I have created and pay them off. I have to know how to save money (something that I have never done before) and I have to know how to ultimately manage my money in a responsible way. I can't just go out and blow money on things that I want in the moment, I have to say it for things that I will get me to that place of peace, that place where I want to go. The scariest/stressful part is that I have to make enough money to do all the things that I want to do. I can't live this way anymore. I'm done being impoverished. I choose to tap into the abundance that exists within me. I choose to manifest my true, responsible being... I choose to be mature.
I guess the first step is admitting to the bad habits that I have. I blow money on weed, eating out, etc. when what I really want to be doing is saving that money to move to California. I write out a budget but then I don't stick to it. I borrow money, with no intention of paying it back and just allowing the debt to occur. I don't take into account the necessary expenses, and always end up cheating myself and not nourishing myself in the way that I had planned. The way I handle my money is immature, irresponsible, and downright horrible. I have to fix this part of me. It's not something that can be changed overnight, and I definitely am willing to do the work to get where I need to be. The journey has just begun.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Thursday, August 15, 2013
It's kind of about the money...
Alright, so bear with me as I try to find out where this feeling is flowing from. I need to get this off my sacral and heart. I feel the block there, and I hear the thoughts, so it's just time for this to go.
Money. Yes, that's right ladies and gents I'm going to talk about the "root of all evil" as some would like to say. But here's the thing... we all want to say "it's not about the money" and I mean I absolutely agree, it's not ALL about the money, but to a certain extent it IS about the money. In fact when I called T-Mobile to see if they would let me do a payment arrangement becasue I won't have money until around the 29th, it was definitely about the money. And when I went to City Cafe the other day to eat before the Writer's Guild, it was defnitely about the money. So with that being said, it's about the fucking money. We all need it to survive, and if we choose not to survive with it, we live a completely different lifestyle. I've lived that lifestyle, and I did experience a certain sense of freedom and abundance while I had none. However I was not "allowed" to experience A LOT because I didn't have money. When I realized that I wanted to travel around the world, go to Hawai'i and see the dragons and walk through time warps, I came to the conclusion that I was going to need some money. I basically had chosen not to give my creative power to the world in the way that they wanted it, and instead I was going to just live off the grid and attempt to heal people on the streets. I felt like a modern day Jesus.... but then I realized what I was capable of. I understood how I could actually hone my healing power, and be able to spread it to EVEN MORE people if I just went back home, went to massage school, got my license and get paid for it... in return I could go to Hawai'i and see what I wanted to see, I could make many connections in the world I may not have been able to make because of my homelessness status I was rocking a little over six months ago.
So here is where I'm at right now. I'm on the road to success, I am going in the direction that I wanted to go, and not only am I starting massage school but I am starting my own business with my dear friend Mike Frazzitta, and we are in the midst of applying for grants to get funding. These great things are happening, and I'm actually getting the chance to fulfill my destiny and passion for life through the monetary system... and it feels great. I'm so excited and so thankful for the many opportunities, but today I realized that I was still living in poverty.... and I realized how DONE I am living in poverty. I live such a limited life, but I am filled with unlimited potential to create my own little heaven on earth. I've been doing abundance meditations, because I know that when we say "it's not about the money", what that really means is "hey, money isn't the only thing that can bring you abundance... let's talk about spirit" and I totally agree with that. I want to feel abundant in my mind, my body, and my spirit, thus creating a holistic way of living. I feel a little bit of stress and pressure because I know that the road that I'm taking will lead my to prosperity and wealth, and I know the pace that I'm taking it will insure that I will be happy and fulfilled on the inside when I get there.... we say that when we have no money "I'm broke" and to a certain extent that's true. Everyone in the entire world has the potential to be infinitely abundant, because all that money represents is faith... we all have faith that this green piece of paper is going to get us exactly what we want in order to satisfy our needs. When we're broke, that means we aren't utilizing all the faith that exists within our heart chakra, we are still enthralled in the dark side of things. I'm not too sure getting rid of the dark side is the answer, and it probably isn't, but I think illuminating the darkness within me will help me achieve in this lifetime.
I know that I am very capable of doing all the things that I want to do in this lifetime, and I know that I have been very honest about the darkness within me, partly because when I'm near or at the top of my game I don't want any "scandals" coming out about my past sabotaging my reputation.... if people already know the choices that I have made, they have no reason to say that I wasn't honest, and I think that's what people want the most out of anybody who is a prestige leader in their community, total honesty. Money brings you a lot of power, and with a lot of power comes a lot of decisions, and with a lot of decisions, you have to know how to make the right choice not only for you but for your peers as well. Ultimately we are all in this together, and the people who gain power are the ones who have worked to find that power within themselves to shine their light the brightest. I want my light to shine as bright as it possibly can.
I was going to talk about how I feel stressed about getting my scrubs in time for school to start, paying my phone bill so it won't be turned off for a week or two, and blah blah blah.... but I don't have time to feed that monster in me that wants to create stress. Soul has already figured out a way to get around it, and now it's my job to tap into that manifesting power and ensure that it won't happen. Taking action is probably the most important thing down here; if we didn't do it, it would never get done. I can't get mad at the people who have the power to take my freedom in this world away.... because obviously I wanted to regain it this way or I wouldn't have come down here this lifetime.
Freedom will be regained. Heaven will be restored. This is the beginning of a revolution.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Money. Yes, that's right ladies and gents I'm going to talk about the "root of all evil" as some would like to say. But here's the thing... we all want to say "it's not about the money" and I mean I absolutely agree, it's not ALL about the money, but to a certain extent it IS about the money. In fact when I called T-Mobile to see if they would let me do a payment arrangement becasue I won't have money until around the 29th, it was definitely about the money. And when I went to City Cafe the other day to eat before the Writer's Guild, it was defnitely about the money. So with that being said, it's about the fucking money. We all need it to survive, and if we choose not to survive with it, we live a completely different lifestyle. I've lived that lifestyle, and I did experience a certain sense of freedom and abundance while I had none. However I was not "allowed" to experience A LOT because I didn't have money. When I realized that I wanted to travel around the world, go to Hawai'i and see the dragons and walk through time warps, I came to the conclusion that I was going to need some money. I basically had chosen not to give my creative power to the world in the way that they wanted it, and instead I was going to just live off the grid and attempt to heal people on the streets. I felt like a modern day Jesus.... but then I realized what I was capable of. I understood how I could actually hone my healing power, and be able to spread it to EVEN MORE people if I just went back home, went to massage school, got my license and get paid for it... in return I could go to Hawai'i and see what I wanted to see, I could make many connections in the world I may not have been able to make because of my homelessness status I was rocking a little over six months ago.
So here is where I'm at right now. I'm on the road to success, I am going in the direction that I wanted to go, and not only am I starting massage school but I am starting my own business with my dear friend Mike Frazzitta, and we are in the midst of applying for grants to get funding. These great things are happening, and I'm actually getting the chance to fulfill my destiny and passion for life through the monetary system... and it feels great. I'm so excited and so thankful for the many opportunities, but today I realized that I was still living in poverty.... and I realized how DONE I am living in poverty. I live such a limited life, but I am filled with unlimited potential to create my own little heaven on earth. I've been doing abundance meditations, because I know that when we say "it's not about the money", what that really means is "hey, money isn't the only thing that can bring you abundance... let's talk about spirit" and I totally agree with that. I want to feel abundant in my mind, my body, and my spirit, thus creating a holistic way of living. I feel a little bit of stress and pressure because I know that the road that I'm taking will lead my to prosperity and wealth, and I know the pace that I'm taking it will insure that I will be happy and fulfilled on the inside when I get there.... we say that when we have no money "I'm broke" and to a certain extent that's true. Everyone in the entire world has the potential to be infinitely abundant, because all that money represents is faith... we all have faith that this green piece of paper is going to get us exactly what we want in order to satisfy our needs. When we're broke, that means we aren't utilizing all the faith that exists within our heart chakra, we are still enthralled in the dark side of things. I'm not too sure getting rid of the dark side is the answer, and it probably isn't, but I think illuminating the darkness within me will help me achieve in this lifetime.
I know that I am very capable of doing all the things that I want to do in this lifetime, and I know that I have been very honest about the darkness within me, partly because when I'm near or at the top of my game I don't want any "scandals" coming out about my past sabotaging my reputation.... if people already know the choices that I have made, they have no reason to say that I wasn't honest, and I think that's what people want the most out of anybody who is a prestige leader in their community, total honesty. Money brings you a lot of power, and with a lot of power comes a lot of decisions, and with a lot of decisions, you have to know how to make the right choice not only for you but for your peers as well. Ultimately we are all in this together, and the people who gain power are the ones who have worked to find that power within themselves to shine their light the brightest. I want my light to shine as bright as it possibly can.
I was going to talk about how I feel stressed about getting my scrubs in time for school to start, paying my phone bill so it won't be turned off for a week or two, and blah blah blah.... but I don't have time to feed that monster in me that wants to create stress. Soul has already figured out a way to get around it, and now it's my job to tap into that manifesting power and ensure that it won't happen. Taking action is probably the most important thing down here; if we didn't do it, it would never get done. I can't get mad at the people who have the power to take my freedom in this world away.... because obviously I wanted to regain it this way or I wouldn't have come down here this lifetime.
Freedom will be regained. Heaven will be restored. This is the beginning of a revolution.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I'm just being honest
I love you then I hate you, I want you then I need you to leave. My emotions continue to create (of course) a chaotic, bumpy road for me to go down, but this stops now. I am done toying with my emotions, I am done trying to play with yours too. There must be something wrong with me, because I gain a certain sort of pleasure with this power and control bullshit... it comes so naturally to me. I want to be mature about this, I want to be healthy about this.
I already had made the unhealthy decision to run away to Florida to come be homeless with you, and then I ended up getting pregnant, and then you came and saw me, and now we're here. You're gone, which is obviously what I needed because I declared that I would NOT re-create my parents relationship, and I made the healthy decision to do adoption. But then I realized that I MAY be able to do this alone, but it really comes down to the question of whether or not I want to do this alone.
If this story were fictional I would probably end up having my character kill you out of spite, just to get her aggression out. Unfortunately this is my real life, and you're a real person, and I am going to forever know you as the father of my child. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Good Job Olivia, GREAT JOB ACTUALLY. You couldn't have just stayed your ass in Chattanooga... nooooooo you had to go FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND MAKE A FAMILY WITH HIM. Lies. If anything you really just lied to yourself, but of course I forgive you. I can't even be mad at Micheal, because he chose to play my game with me, because he actually loved me and all that jazz, and I was a manipulating little girl trying to work out her daddy issues. It doesn't even really hurt to admit that... because it's the truth.
I must say I am very thankful for this life growing inside of me, and hell I'm even thankful for the way you came about. I am SOO thankful I don't have to pretend to be in love with someone when all I really wanted you for was your nice penis (you're welcome for the ego boost). I gotta get my emotions together though. I realized that my sacral is probably the most imbalanced of my chakras, and being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder means I have a chemical imbalance. So I realized that I am going to attract people with chemical imbalances as well... until I become balanced. Taking medicine is NOT the answer, but what I have been doing lately has actually really helped me (yoga, meditation, counseling, etc). I am so used to the highs and lows, it has become a part of my psyche to think that I have to be high and then low, and that I can't just have a regular balanced life. That pattern is done, as of right now. Seriously, why can't I just make a decision, know that it's the right decision, and then stick with it? I think I need to stop entertaining so many scenarios that could happen and be realistic. I need to know when to quit. I need to know what I can REALLY handle, not what I think I can handle.
Truth is, I can't handle a mature adult relationship with a partner right now... I'm not even to the point of being much of an adult myself. Truth is, by admitting all my flaws to myself (and to the public of whoever reads my blog) I am clearing the air, making room for new... and none of this is really coming out of a bad place, because my intentions are to be balanced in all of my chakras, and to have the healthiest emotional body I possibly can have. You were a huge part of my pain body, and the fact that I even cared so much about you that I got you to come here just so I could be the one to break up with you this time, because my little ego couldn't handle the fact that you left me not once but twice... God, how immature of me. I can't even ask why I do the things I do, because I know that it doesn't even matter... my intentions are to gain some sort of satisfaction out of the action that I commit, but then when I impulsively do something it leaves me with this feeling of "wait... why the fuck did I just do that".
I am learning to enjoy the build up, which is helping me understand that patience really is a virtue. I have a lot of great things going for me right now. I start school in less than three weeks, I sold some hula hoops yesterday, and am continuing to make them, I have GREAT friends who know who I really am and can see past the bullshit that I make out to be "real life" (and also because I've stopped trying to ruin friendships), I do yoga, make hula hoops, exercise, write, and meditate everyday. My life is getting better because I am no longer drinking and drugging myself to death, and I am no longer (as of now) making impulsive decisions just to satisfy my emotional pain body... because that pain body doesn't even know what true satisfaction is. I know how to act in a healthy manner now, and I am taking the nessecary steps to do so. With Micheal and I being over my pain body part of me that wants to ruin things, hold on to things, act impulsively, lie, steal, cheat, live off of other people, remain in a state of constant paranoia, gain attention because I feel the need to be noticed, say mean things just to hit him where it hurts, maybe that girl can just go ahead and die already. Because I'm not impressed with you, and nobody else is either. Nobody really likes you, and I know that you just do that because you feel the need to protect/defend yourself... but you're just living in fear. People love THE real you which is why they stick around; people love the person you are and they love what you bring to the table. So Olivia (yeah this one is for you), just stop creating drama, and go out and create a reputation worth living up to.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
I already had made the unhealthy decision to run away to Florida to come be homeless with you, and then I ended up getting pregnant, and then you came and saw me, and now we're here. You're gone, which is obviously what I needed because I declared that I would NOT re-create my parents relationship, and I made the healthy decision to do adoption. But then I realized that I MAY be able to do this alone, but it really comes down to the question of whether or not I want to do this alone.
If this story were fictional I would probably end up having my character kill you out of spite, just to get her aggression out. Unfortunately this is my real life, and you're a real person, and I am going to forever know you as the father of my child. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Good Job Olivia, GREAT JOB ACTUALLY. You couldn't have just stayed your ass in Chattanooga... nooooooo you had to go FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND MAKE A FAMILY WITH HIM. Lies. If anything you really just lied to yourself, but of course I forgive you. I can't even be mad at Micheal, because he chose to play my game with me, because he actually loved me and all that jazz, and I was a manipulating little girl trying to work out her daddy issues. It doesn't even really hurt to admit that... because it's the truth.
I must say I am very thankful for this life growing inside of me, and hell I'm even thankful for the way you came about. I am SOO thankful I don't have to pretend to be in love with someone when all I really wanted you for was your nice penis (you're welcome for the ego boost). I gotta get my emotions together though. I realized that my sacral is probably the most imbalanced of my chakras, and being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder means I have a chemical imbalance. So I realized that I am going to attract people with chemical imbalances as well... until I become balanced. Taking medicine is NOT the answer, but what I have been doing lately has actually really helped me (yoga, meditation, counseling, etc). I am so used to the highs and lows, it has become a part of my psyche to think that I have to be high and then low, and that I can't just have a regular balanced life. That pattern is done, as of right now. Seriously, why can't I just make a decision, know that it's the right decision, and then stick with it? I think I need to stop entertaining so many scenarios that could happen and be realistic. I need to know when to quit. I need to know what I can REALLY handle, not what I think I can handle.
Truth is, I can't handle a mature adult relationship with a partner right now... I'm not even to the point of being much of an adult myself. Truth is, by admitting all my flaws to myself (and to the public of whoever reads my blog) I am clearing the air, making room for new... and none of this is really coming out of a bad place, because my intentions are to be balanced in all of my chakras, and to have the healthiest emotional body I possibly can have. You were a huge part of my pain body, and the fact that I even cared so much about you that I got you to come here just so I could be the one to break up with you this time, because my little ego couldn't handle the fact that you left me not once but twice... God, how immature of me. I can't even ask why I do the things I do, because I know that it doesn't even matter... my intentions are to gain some sort of satisfaction out of the action that I commit, but then when I impulsively do something it leaves me with this feeling of "wait... why the fuck did I just do that".
I am learning to enjoy the build up, which is helping me understand that patience really is a virtue. I have a lot of great things going for me right now. I start school in less than three weeks, I sold some hula hoops yesterday, and am continuing to make them, I have GREAT friends who know who I really am and can see past the bullshit that I make out to be "real life" (and also because I've stopped trying to ruin friendships), I do yoga, make hula hoops, exercise, write, and meditate everyday. My life is getting better because I am no longer drinking and drugging myself to death, and I am no longer (as of now) making impulsive decisions just to satisfy my emotional pain body... because that pain body doesn't even know what true satisfaction is. I know how to act in a healthy manner now, and I am taking the nessecary steps to do so. With Micheal and I being over my pain body part of me that wants to ruin things, hold on to things, act impulsively, lie, steal, cheat, live off of other people, remain in a state of constant paranoia, gain attention because I feel the need to be noticed, say mean things just to hit him where it hurts, maybe that girl can just go ahead and die already. Because I'm not impressed with you, and nobody else is either. Nobody really likes you, and I know that you just do that because you feel the need to protect/defend yourself... but you're just living in fear. People love THE real you which is why they stick around; people love the person you are and they love what you bring to the table. So Olivia (yeah this one is for you), just stop creating drama, and go out and create a reputation worth living up to.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
To The One I Love
It's difficult to overcome my heartbreak when images of us running around Northern California and falling in deep love with one another keep playing in my head. Or when I think of the imitate nights laying next to one another in bed, heads pressed together, staring deeply into each other's eyes, forming a connection of unconditional love. I think of the last time we made love, and when you whispered in my ear "i love you" I knew that it was real. I knew that you meant it. You said "I'm not here to change you, I'm here to love you" the unfortunate part was, I was here to change you... in fact I was going to need for you to change in order for our love to truly grow and stick. Sure, I could have not honored myself and at one point I was even ready to just take care of all expenses for you, me, and our child.... just because I love you.
Even though we give the feeling of unconditional love, compassion, ecstacy, and pure bliss to one another there are many sides to you and I both that are not healthy for each other. I express my anger vividly when I feel like someone isn't listening to me, and it comes out even more when that anger is toward my intimate partner. You run away from things like that, and I don't blame you. I wasn't going to listen to you call me a liar, a manipulator, I wasn't going to fight with you about how I slept with other people when we broke up, I wasn't going to defend myself and then have you tell me that we had never broken up, we had been together for all these 10 months. I wasn't going to become completely detached from my true authentic self that I have been striving so hard to bring out to fight with you because you were planning on laying on the couch, and not getting a job, and just watching me not only grow our child, but birth it, and then take care of it financially, emotionally, spiritually.... I might as well be a single mom rather than have another child as a husband. Maybe I was attempting to predict the future, and maybe I listened way too much to the advice your mother gave me because she has seen you do this for 15 years.
At first I thought it was that you didn't love me, but that's not the case, you love me to the moon and back and I know that, now I think it's just that you've gone of the deep end... you're not here anymore in this reality, and I live in your dream world with you, because many times you have told me that you dreamed me before you met me. You wanted me. Olivia Claire. I hated when you would talk so stern to me, because I knew you weren't understanding where I was coming from, and I felt there was no way of communicating to you what I was saying because you would have defied it; you would have wanted to argue with me.... and I have a tendency of arguing for the sake of arguing, and that generally blows up in my face. I just needed you to leave. I needed you to not be here because I was losing focus on what actually NEEDS to be done in order to survive, thrive, and be the best absolute person I can possibly be this lifetime. I need to fufill my destiny.... I keep replaying the day I pushed you away, and I see how it could have gone totally differently, but I chose to react a certain way, and now I'm writing a whole blog trying to justify my actions. The truth is, I fucking love you Micheal, more than I have ever loved anybody else, and in a totally different way. There is this huge part of me that just wants to say "YES I WILL MARRY YOU, YES I WILL BE YOUR SUGAR MAMA AND TAKE CARE OF ALL THE FINANCIAL NEEDS FOR YOU, ME AND YOUR CHILD, YES I WILL PUT UP WITH YOUR PHASES OF PARANOIA, YOUR PHASES OF DETACHMENT, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU" Yet, for some reason all of that seems unrealistic. I wish it was real. I wish it could be a reality. I wish you would come back and we could talk like adults, and actually make a life together, because I want to go through life with you... but sometimes what you want isn't what you need. This is where I need to ask my higher self "Is Micheal the partner that I need" and I'm the only one who can tell me that.
We need some more space, and I need to become more solid and secure in myself before I make a decision... adoption, or me being a single mom, or me being a single mom and then allowing you to walk back into my life. You're my cryptonite, when I'm around you I can't fight the feelings I feel for you, I just cave, I become a vulnerable creature that just says yes to every ridiculous idea you have, and I forget that I'm Olivia Madlock and I have my own life to live, and I have things to do this lifetime too. I'm pretty sure a relationship is a partnership, and we need to play as a team, and we need to communicate as much as we need to know about each other. You always find a way to turn it back around on me, you never ever have said "i'm sorry" to me for the way you have made me feel... and I have apologized many times.
I don't know your intentions, and I sure as hell don't know if that you're intentions are good or not. We see things completely differently, and in order for us to have a relationship there are some things we are going to have to see at face value, for what they really are not for what we "think" they may be... which is hard to do when you're intimately involved with someone, but shows a sense of maturity when it can be done. I'm looking for a mature relationship, because I'm getting too old to play high school games. I have no doubt that you're not going to contact me sometime soon, and if you left Chattanooga already, I know you'll find you're way back. I just can't take care of you, I can't provide everything for you, and our child and still be happy. I need to take care of me, before I can take care of we. My needs will come second when it comes to the child, which makes this time that I have now just for me even more important to ensure my status as healthy emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. I know the answers will come.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Even though we give the feeling of unconditional love, compassion, ecstacy, and pure bliss to one another there are many sides to you and I both that are not healthy for each other. I express my anger vividly when I feel like someone isn't listening to me, and it comes out even more when that anger is toward my intimate partner. You run away from things like that, and I don't blame you. I wasn't going to listen to you call me a liar, a manipulator, I wasn't going to fight with you about how I slept with other people when we broke up, I wasn't going to defend myself and then have you tell me that we had never broken up, we had been together for all these 10 months. I wasn't going to become completely detached from my true authentic self that I have been striving so hard to bring out to fight with you because you were planning on laying on the couch, and not getting a job, and just watching me not only grow our child, but birth it, and then take care of it financially, emotionally, spiritually.... I might as well be a single mom rather than have another child as a husband. Maybe I was attempting to predict the future, and maybe I listened way too much to the advice your mother gave me because she has seen you do this for 15 years.
At first I thought it was that you didn't love me, but that's not the case, you love me to the moon and back and I know that, now I think it's just that you've gone of the deep end... you're not here anymore in this reality, and I live in your dream world with you, because many times you have told me that you dreamed me before you met me. You wanted me. Olivia Claire. I hated when you would talk so stern to me, because I knew you weren't understanding where I was coming from, and I felt there was no way of communicating to you what I was saying because you would have defied it; you would have wanted to argue with me.... and I have a tendency of arguing for the sake of arguing, and that generally blows up in my face. I just needed you to leave. I needed you to not be here because I was losing focus on what actually NEEDS to be done in order to survive, thrive, and be the best absolute person I can possibly be this lifetime. I need to fufill my destiny.... I keep replaying the day I pushed you away, and I see how it could have gone totally differently, but I chose to react a certain way, and now I'm writing a whole blog trying to justify my actions. The truth is, I fucking love you Micheal, more than I have ever loved anybody else, and in a totally different way. There is this huge part of me that just wants to say "YES I WILL MARRY YOU, YES I WILL BE YOUR SUGAR MAMA AND TAKE CARE OF ALL THE FINANCIAL NEEDS FOR YOU, ME AND YOUR CHILD, YES I WILL PUT UP WITH YOUR PHASES OF PARANOIA, YOUR PHASES OF DETACHMENT, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU" Yet, for some reason all of that seems unrealistic. I wish it was real. I wish it could be a reality. I wish you would come back and we could talk like adults, and actually make a life together, because I want to go through life with you... but sometimes what you want isn't what you need. This is where I need to ask my higher self "Is Micheal the partner that I need" and I'm the only one who can tell me that.
We need some more space, and I need to become more solid and secure in myself before I make a decision... adoption, or me being a single mom, or me being a single mom and then allowing you to walk back into my life. You're my cryptonite, when I'm around you I can't fight the feelings I feel for you, I just cave, I become a vulnerable creature that just says yes to every ridiculous idea you have, and I forget that I'm Olivia Madlock and I have my own life to live, and I have things to do this lifetime too. I'm pretty sure a relationship is a partnership, and we need to play as a team, and we need to communicate as much as we need to know about each other. You always find a way to turn it back around on me, you never ever have said "i'm sorry" to me for the way you have made me feel... and I have apologized many times.
I don't know your intentions, and I sure as hell don't know if that you're intentions are good or not. We see things completely differently, and in order for us to have a relationship there are some things we are going to have to see at face value, for what they really are not for what we "think" they may be... which is hard to do when you're intimately involved with someone, but shows a sense of maturity when it can be done. I'm looking for a mature relationship, because I'm getting too old to play high school games. I have no doubt that you're not going to contact me sometime soon, and if you left Chattanooga already, I know you'll find you're way back. I just can't take care of you, I can't provide everything for you, and our child and still be happy. I need to take care of me, before I can take care of we. My needs will come second when it comes to the child, which makes this time that I have now just for me even more important to ensure my status as healthy emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. I know the answers will come.
Until Next Time,
-Olivia
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)