Below is an email I wrote to a friend in August of 2012 right before I left on my journey to becoming a Goddess. :) I just thought I would share it to encourage people that it is possible to change yourself, the odds are in your favor, the time is now. Light, love, and healing. <3
There are so many things that keep coming to my mind each and every single day. I feel myself getting closer and closer to it all, and I can feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I need this year in chattanooga to fix things with my mom. I know that if I can let go of the past, realizing that it can't be changed, and the only thing I can change is my future with my present thoughts only projecting positivity, I can just be happy every single day. I keep thinking to myself that I was looking for happiness outside of myself for all these years, when all along it was right inside of me. Once I can tap into that happiness, and be stable and at peace with my mind, I can start helping other people. I still have to figure it out a little bit more, but I was just having so many ephanines every single day last week my mind was seriously blown. Like for instance, I was in the car with Shannon (this girl from Humboldt Co. you gotta meet her, she's on our level of thought and wants to help people too) and I was thinking about something that Mikey said to me a long time ago, and it was "insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result". That's when it hit me, Mikey has been doing everything that he does right now getting fucked up, fucking girls on the side while he's in a serious relationship (which he is STILL doing... he's trying to get our friend Shannon to fuck him before she goes back to California), and thinking the same way since he was 12 years old. It all hit me at once, Mikey thinks he's insane... but the thing about it is, he KNOWS he can change, but he just doesn't want to change for whatever reasons... and that's when I let go of him. That's the day I realized that he and I have a very deep bond, always have and always will, but he has got some shit to figure out, and he will, because he has all the tools in his head. And when he does figure it out, he's going to do great things with his life. For right now I am probably not going to hang out with him anymore. School is starting, I'm working on staying as focused as possible on my positive thinking, and I have some things to take care of within the next coming weeks.
I started writing about, what I call it, my new found religion. But it's not a religion really, its a way of thinking. I guess it's what the Buddha was attempting to tell people all along? I don't know. Yesterday at work I made myself trip. When you're tripping your whole entire brain is stimulated, which is why people feel as though they are in a state of enlightenment sometimes. I realized that if I slow my thoughts down in my head, and if I focus really hard I can reach that state and be here now. I did it when I was at work. Something happened, and I was just like "wo, acid flashback". I walked over to Mikey and he was like "i heard you were having acid flashbacks" I said "yeah, i'm pretty sure I'm using 100% of my brain right now" and that's when he said "Those aren't even real, I think you're confused". It wasn't even something I thought about before I said it, but I was like "I love you, but your opinion doesn't matter to me anymore really". I walked away and it felt so good. I seriously didn't feel the need for him to be like "what, why? my opinion should matter to you" I just didn't care anymore.
Everybody's life is hard, that's something I've been realizing more and more every single day. I was sitting outside with this girl I've known since high school, and this guy was sitting next to us smoking a cig. He started talking to us and came out with his life story. He was from Arizona and lived on a Native American reservation. I got really excited and asked him how it was; without hesitation he said "pure hell". He said the gang violence, the amounts of suicide in the schools, and the alcoholism made the reservation miserable. He said countless numbers of his friends and family had been killed or killed themselves. He moved away from Arizona to start a new life, so he could be happy. The whole time I was just soaking in his background and realizing that for real though, EVERYONE'S LIFE IS HARD.
The power of my thoughts are ridiculous. I think something Jennilee, and it fucking happens. The number of South Americans who have been coming into Panera is countless. I met this family from Argentina the other day, and they gave me great aspect on where to go and where not to go. I have been thinking a lot about my background, and this black guy I work with name Demtrius, he and I have started talking about a lot of deep shit, and he's on that level to, which really suprised me because he's straitght up hood, but is helping me understand where my Dad came from, because he was like that. He told me that it was a good thing that I still talked to my Dad, because that's my black background, and I need to understand that so I can understand myself. SHIT SERIOUSLY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Then he went on to say that I shouldn't be afraid because if I can surround myself with positive people, everything is going to be alright. WHAT THE FUCK. This is the kid who gave crack to Mikey, and he's speaking such words of wisdom. That experience made me realize that the power of positive thinking and reaching the higher self is seriously in EVERYONE. I'm interested more and more each day about people's backgrounds, because like you said, everybody does come from a different background.
When you asked me if I was in this to make a name for myself, my ego was. The real Olivia, the higher self Olivia, the Olivia who I have always been, but lost track of along the way, was always in this to help others. I've had this knowledge my whole entire life, I've felt it. I just let the outside world distract me, discourage me, and beat me down, and lost sight of it all. Once I get the hang of this all, once I start mastering my mind every single day, once I can start dreaming while awake, then I will begin my journey to helping others. I get lazy sometimes, and I don't want to work on it, but I also know working on this every single day will not only benefit me, it will benefit all of humanity