Tuesday, January 7, 2014

shadow work at its finest

This morning as I was staring at my daughter, holding her little head in my hands, soaking in the unconditional love she was sharing with me, the healing light rushed through my veins, and I cried those big, sobbing tears of unconditional love... like the tears I cried when I was in Santa Rosa with Micheal and God touched me with his light. I found myself through someone else, and it may or may not work out, and it probably won't work out, I mean to say that I probably have no idea how the fuck that would work, and I don't really know if my heart desires that... If my heart truly desires Micheal, and if I do truly desire Micheal then how in the world do I make that work? How do we take back all of the things we said? How do we find ourselves in ourselves? I can't be with him because there are so many trapped emotions in my root chakra, and I just have to keep coming into my Goddess self, my Divine Feminine will allow me to balance, will allow me to thrive. The trick is being completely and 100% honest and raw with myself... and there are so many things that I just really didn't like about Micheal, because there were so many things that I didn't like about myself. All I know is that I want my life to be as simple and stress free as possible and my intuition tells me to not even worry about that... but that still doesn't answer the question, is that what I truly desire? It was what I thought I truly desired... it was my first taste of unconditional love, and that is something that I truly do desire. I have a feeling that Micheal is an ego game, but there is this part of me, this Goddess self of me that say if I am capable of being my Goddess self, I will attract my partner, God self to me. I think of the times where Micheal and I were just completely 100% in love and in the moment, and flowing with the infinite, and sure it was mostly when we were tripping acid, but every once and a while I would get a glimpse of what Micheal really was.... The day I met him I felt like a Goddess; I remember I had my hula hoop in hand and I had just learned a ton of new tricks; the sun was shining, I was discovering my divine feminine, Gaia was vibrating high above herself through me; I couldn't help but want to fall in love that day. I created a child with someone, that is a sacred union. We merged our DNA's, we created the baseline for the lesson our little girl is going to use to breakthrough karma. I don't have to feel guilty for not making a sacred relationship with Micheal; I wasn't even near that. I was still a wounded warrior, healing my wounds from the past. I am now moving into my Goddess self, the Divine Feminine energy that is waiting to pour through me, and all of the other women in the world. I cannot not wait to see what she can manifest. As far as the question goes for Micheal, a real Goddess does not worry about where her Divine Masculine is coming from, she knows that when the time is right he will appear in her presence. Although I honor my ego and respect her feelings, I must not allow her to block me from what I want, and that is a sacred relationship.

On another note,

I have all these weird feelings toward the people I am in massage therapy class with. I feel weird because like people want to connect with me, and I want to connect with others, but I want to connect with other people's God/ess self, not ego self. Therefore I immediately put up walls, and exclude myself from connecting with them. It's interesting because last semester I felt so much anger toward the girls who sat in the back corner and talked shit about me... I want to honor these emotions, because ego asks that I do. I felt angry out of defensiveness because what they were saying about me was not the truth of who I am, and ego's first instinct was to get angry... I have been carrying around this anger for quite some time and it will start to turn into resentment if I don't let it out. I felt a shit load of competitive energy in our class last semester, and because I am a natural at massage, and my soul's journey, and being the wounded warrior that I was, I attracted a lot of backlash/hate toward my being. This backlash/hate that I was feeling toward me in the classroom definitely effected me, confused me, and actually hindered my performance of my gift. It threatened me, it told me I wasn't good enough... I told me that I wasn't good enough. There is this one girl in particular who reminded me of myself in many ways, and also reminded me of the girls in middle school who I thought hated me. I began to look at her has the biggest competition, and I mean I even went so far as to sabotage myself and give a really bad massage just so she could feel worthy.... the anger I felt toward her and her clique was hindering me. All of the drama that goes on in the classroom was forced upon me since day one; Ms. Renee wanted us to feel like family, she wanted us to mesh well... and that just didn't happen. It didn't happen because it didn't need to happen... everyone is on their level, and I am functioning on another level than every single person in that class. I can offer them help in their lives, but I must let go of this anger and function at all times with complete compassion and joy. I must receive from the divine feminine to embody my Goddess self so I can overcome my struggle. These feelings of being left out, hurt, of not ever fitting in with my peers brings confusion; am i merely placed in certain places just so I give compassion and joy where it truly is needed? My ego wants to say "that if I try to act like a saint, the girl in the back of the classroom will say things about me", my ego wants me to worry about what others think of me. My ego is blocking my Goddess self from shining through and coming in, my ego need not protect me from compassion and joy. My ego has her reservations because she has showed kindness before and she has gotten put down for being nice. My ego has her reservations because she feels like she wants to give help to them, but she doesn't want to receive from them because she feels like they have nothing good to give her in the first place. This turns into a downward spiral of feeling guilty, feeling guilty because my ego wants to be able to have her own car, but she has to wait 3 weeks to get it, and she have to find a way to get to school, and rely on someone again. She thought maybe one friend would be able to help, but my ego now feels judged and put on the block because apparently "her parents just aren't having it" and that makes no sense to my ego, and that just proves to my ego that she was right, nobody in the class wants to help her... nobody can help her. And these are the emotions my ego feels, and these are the emotions that flow through my physical being, and even flowed through in words last night. My ego wants to make sense of what and how she feels this way. I must stop resisting, I must surrender and let go. I feel like I come off has a little bit damaged, a little dangerous and rebellious, and people don't like that. People tend to steer clear of the wild child, and let's face it, a lot of me is super wild. I feel guilty for having done bad things in my life... rephrase: i feel like I scare/have scared people away because my energy emanated "danger" and "risk".... but that was never my intention. I have falsely shown myself to the outside world for years, and I want to allow my Goddess self to shine through bright and loud and clear because now is her time to thrive. I am not a heartbreaker, I am not toxic energy... I no longer wear the mask of my wounded warrior, she is healed and she is falling more and more in love with life and herself each day. I ask for help, I ask for the Goddess and Gods that have come before me, as I bow in gratitude, to show me the way, help me release these trapped emotions in my intuition When I feel like I cannot act as my Goddess self, and my ego wants to break through, I create the boundaries needed to allow the Divine Feminine to flow freely.

Until Next Time, 


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