My most recent ego obsessive behavior has been reminiscing on the past months when I was pregnant. The cycles I created based off the old paradigm I used to believe are back to haunt me. I have shown growth, because I am aware of these cycles and they are not the ones that are in control, I am standing my ground and staying heart center (probably because of all the yoga I have been doing lately), those cycles are merely background noise to the peace I feel.
There is something deep inside of me I feel really guilty about, and it has to do with Iris. I realized how irrational, unrealistic, and unreasonable it was for me to think that if I went to Florida I could convince the man the I "loved" (and I'm beginning to realize that I loved the idea of him, not who he actually was) to come to Chattanooga and live there with me was untruthful, beyond my reach, and impulsive. I am still trying to ask myself why I did it, and I feel guilty because I knew so much better than to do that, but I was so in fear.... and I was caught up in the magical world, and I wanted to learn how to use my new found power, but I didn't realize that by using my power I would first need to get rid of all the blocks so my intentions could be clear. I feel guilty and angry at myself because I added something into my life that wasn't a part of Divine Order, I used my free will to get what I wanted, and I still don't even know what it was that I wanted... Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Iris, it's just that I am still confused as to why I didn't use my brain.... I was following my heart, I had just gotten out of jail, I guess I should show compassion for myself.... regardless of whether or not I fully understand what I was feeling.
Part of the cycles I go through is impatience.... I get out into the world and I see everyone with their awesome boyfriend/girlfriend and my ego instantly is like "I want and need that, and I need it now" (which also may have been part of the reason why I ran away to Florida) and so I go out and seek it. I was told that I needed patience by a spirit guide of mine right before I left for California, and when I got to jail I was wiped with a wonderful healing light and cleansed by that spirit guide. She told me I had learned patience. I practice patience in almost every area of my life, but there are some things I feel like I can't live without, or that I have lived without it for so long that I am tired of waiting for it, and it feels like it is never coming. Impatience at its finest. It's the sense of angry and "why me? why do I have to wait so long to find the love of my life" Which turns into me trying to rush people into falling in love with me, which blows up in my face, EVERY SINGLE TIME. This self-destructive cycle has got to go.
I have just recently decided that I am in to win it, and that means there are going to need to be a lot of changes. The doubts I have about my writing are... there are no words for it. Language is a representation of communicating feel through symbols. We have done it since caveman era, the smybols have now developed into circles and angles that have a certain meaning. Progress. Growth. I should study language.
Enough ramblings for toeday
Until Next Time,