This weekend I went down the road of nostalgia; My lesson this lifetime is to learn how to let go of the past so I can continue to grow, and if I don't do that because I'm comfortable where I am, I will miss out on a lot of the stuff I came here to experience this lifetime. I wanted to feel what it was like when I was drinking and smoking cigs, and not giving one shit about life... irresponsibility at it's finest. I don't know why I wanted to experience that again... It's something that I crave, and the next morning when I woke up and I got a call from my mom telling me how horrible of a person I am I realized that all irresponsibility brought on was unhealthy relationships, BUT because of that last phone call I got from my mother I set an important boundary for my life, and I decided that it's not worth the risk to talk to her anymore. I love my mother very much, and if any of you know me, our relationship has pretty much been the same since i was a teenager... and it's funny because she expects me to do all the changing, and it's funny because I have actually done A LOT of the changing, yet she is still stuck in the same emotional body she has been stuck in for a long time. SO this is me saying, I love you, but I need my space from you, goodbye. And that's that.
Boundaries, they're my friends now. I didn't realize how important it was to set boundaries until recently having a little human. There is a lot of energy out there, and this tiny being is super sensitive, and her chakras are just now developing, and anything that feels uncomfortable will cause imbalance, so I am working my hardest to balance my root chakra right now (that's the chakra she is developing right now) so Iris can have a balanced root chakra; thus I need to set boundaries in order to protect my child from ill energy. I thought boundaries were some sort of restriction on life, something that said "no, you can't do this because I said so" and maybe that comes from how I grew up, and I always wanted to defy what my mom told me because I just didn't give a shit about what rules she was setting, and then again maybe it was because she really didn't know how to set boundaries either. Mother Earth is the creator of boundaries, I learned this past week. Boundaries are created to protect us from the energies that we do not need to be around. This type of energy is allowed in my home, and this type of energy is not allowed in my home... boundaries. I'm okay with boundaries now. I am going to set boundaries for myself at school, I start back up on Thursday.
School is filled with youngens who just got out of high school and are trying to make it in a big world; they were probably taught that competition was a reality (God Bless them), and they probably have a lot of insecurities, just like I did. Last semester I played out a lot of my insecurities, like all of them basically. These next two semesters that is not my intention to do that.... in fact, I want to feel secure in my creative power. I want to know that my creative power is healing and my touch is good and my massage is always improving. I want to be able to support others in their massage, and I want others to feel like they can be honest with me about my massage. I truly want to intend to portray my best self. I feel my insecurities mostly in my sacral chakra. Sensuality, sexuality, creative power. I am done feeling insecure about my sexuality, sensuality, and my relationships in general. In fact, I am now affirming that I attract only healthy relationships into my life. I deserve healthy relationships, and I will have them.
So, where I started with all of this. I wanted to see what it felt like to be irresponsible with my actions, and when I came home the next day, my circulation was completely wacked; my arms and legs and hands were completely numb, and I was afraid that I was dying. I smoked a HALF of a cig and this happened.... I pulled the Goddess Card, White Tara the next morning (I had actually pulled her three times in the past week, but I wasn't paying attention, I had to learn first hand) and it read "stay away from harsh chemicals and energies you are becoming increasingly sensitive" which is a part of the ascension I am undergoing right now. I realized that regardless of how I wanted to be, I had no choice but to be responsible for all areas of my life. I am probably never going to get drunk again, and that's really hard and sad for me to say because I used to love being drunk as hell with my friends.... I loved being wild, and not giving a shit. I loved the rebellious Olivia, but that Olivia can be no longer. It is my souls mission in life to incorporate a good reputation, and I can't be wild anymore.... i physically can't be wild anymore. I am going to have to find new ways to express my freedom because I know myself and if I don't feel free I don't do the things that I am supposed to do. That's enough for today.
Until Next Time,