Friday, January 17, 2014

Seeing the Big Picture


The journey to excellence has begun. Mostly what I want to talk about today is the relationship I have with my mom. This is something that I have resisted talking about for many years because I want to feel like there is a difference between "talking shit" about my mom and just expressing how I feel about how her actions have made me feel my entire life. There is a thin line between disrespecting her and honoring her all while trying to figure out what boundaries I need to create to protect myself from her emotional vampire tactics. 

My mom has a lot of emotional issues, and because she never really tried to deal with them for whatever reasons (probably because she felt like she had to take care of everybody else) she started treating my brother and I like shit. I have spent the past year and a half accepting her, forgiving her, and gaining compassion for her. She doesn't want me to be mad at her, and I truly have forgiven her, but two weeks ago she verbally abused me because of the friends I have, what? It gets old, and it's tiring, and every time I'm with her I feel drained. 

Today I finally set the boundary, I told her that until she started showing respect for my creative power that I would not be wanting to be around her and seeing Iris. I just need this time to really establish how I nourish myself, and being around her makes me feel like I'm denying myself nourishment. I end up feeling guilty and drained or angry and frustrated after hanging out with her. I need my space to figure out how to develop a healthier relationship with my daughter so we can change this family karma... my mom did the same thing when she had me, creating distance from her mom. 

It's not that I don't want my mom to know Iris, that's what I want more than anything, but now is not the time. I need to figure out things for myself, and feeling guilty and angry is definitely not a part of my path anymore, and it's no longer needed. 

I see where I need to improve my mothering skills... 1. talking to Iris in baby voices rather than in serious voices (she likes the baby voices best) 2. lessening my frustration (I mean I don't get frustrated that much, but I would like to lessen getting frustrated. 3. Interacting more with her when she is awake. Maybe singing to her more, and dance around with her. I need to have more fun around her, outwardly. I think that's important. I am one of those people that takes life pretty fucking seriously... I kind of have this rigidness about me sometimes; I love to have fun, but i have this idea of what fun should be.... are there "fun" gods out there? how does spirit have fun? I definitely need to have more fun in my life, and lighten up a whole lot. I focus so much on healing myself, which is not a bad thing at all, but damn I'm not all fucked up, and having fun and laughing and being playful is super healing in itself!

The journey has only begun, and I'm definitely seeing that I need to start seeing the big picture of thing, and receive more fun in my life, because this could be my last time I come down to earth, and there is no other place like this.

Until Next Time,


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