Tuesday, May 21, 2013

i remember

I remember the day that you said we were done. My emotional body couldn't handle the thought of being left again. Now I'm sitting here listening to this song, and it strikes the same chord in my emotional body as you striked the day you said we were done. Emptiness. Regret. Sadness. Longing for. The good memories all rush back, and I think about how much fun we had together... and how much fun we can still have together. But you fucked up, you fucked up and so did I. We did exactly what we said we didn't want to do; we rushed. The time is not now. The time is later. Way later actually. Ten years down the road for me, but I convinced myself that I loved you so much that of course I would want to have a baby with you.  You lied to me, you lied to me so many times, and yeah I lied to you too... you said you had things that you had never had before, but I overlooked all of it... I overlooked it because I believed that you would change for me. But then I have those visions, those visions of the girl you let get away, and how you're still in love with her... because she was the only girl that you ever loved, and she's going stay that way. I'm not going to be second. I'm not going to be second best. We brought out the worst in each other, and I would be stupid to think that you coming here is a good idea, in fact... I'm not that stupid. I am not going to take care of you because you're mourning period is over, and it's lasted 15 years too fucking long. I feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for you because you know that I'm your only hope at making it in this world again, and you need me to push you- but you don't like being pushed.... and I digress, because it's not me that you really need. You need yourself to learn how to play by the rules. I write all of this, and I mean it all, but there is this part of me that just loves you.... I love you so much that I would take the risk with you every single time,  but if I give this baby away to a family who has it all, the chances of you and I being together probably would be slim to none... and I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with keeping the child just so you and I would be together, you mean a lot to me, but I mean a lot to me too. Your irresponsible actions have made you have no choice in this matter, and as you sit in jail not knowing what I'm going to do- I know you realize how much you fucked up.... but that's only half the battle. The other half is actually taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Stop wasting your creative energy with the formless, because we in fact are of form, and we are meant to do things with our form. I realize this, and I'm going to create a life for myself. I'm going to put myself first, and I'm going to make the decision I know that Olivia Claire Madlock is going to make- and you have no stability,  no necessities to provide for a child, and niether do I. I am in the midst of building my reality the way I want it, and we met in a reconstruction period, thought we could create together, but we did the rush job... and this is what rushed work gets. Lesson learned for me, I wish I could say the same for you. I now know that my impulses are not always right, I know now that I need to think the big stuff through, I know now that I am a Divine expression of life and I am allowed to be a form that is a part of the creation process. Writing, massage, reiki, spirituality, relaxation, healing, all those things are a part of my form and I choose to express them openly and widely. You can no longer be a part of my creation. And that's what my heart says.  It's time for me to grow up, it's time for me to be a big girl now, and this baby in my womb is going to go to a nice family that has it all- and when I see the kid in 18 years I know that they'll be happy I gave him/her up for adoption. Maybe you'll call, maybe you'll get out of jail, but my decision is going to be the same. I have a life to live, I have dreams to fulfill, I have the world to travel! Being a mom is no longer on my list of things to do. Indecisiveness is no longer a part of my form- all of the decisions I make are clear.  I'll be the first to admit that I have made inadequate decisions, turned down a lot of roads to nowhere, and eventually found my way back on the road to Heaven.  I'm done with that, I'm healed.  Until next time,  -Olivia

No comments:

Post a Comment